todays and tomorrows.

so, the yellow team, consisting of jason appel, karri and i definately dominated in flyness at the newspaper lazer tag extravaganza. we had some amazing black bandanas, which lead kyle rich, this kid that would be amazingly cute if he wasnt a complete douche bag and didnt hang out with the dumb popular kids, to name us the bandana sisters. which well probably be calling eachother til the end of eternity now. the newspaper staff was just as cohesive out of school as it is during fifth period, though it does get a little bit clicquey at times. which is okay, i guess, since we cant all be friends. but most of us are, and i think thats so cool. i mean, i know that ive talked about it before, but honestly. like DW and karri and now, jason appel, are some of my best friends. and what other club spawns bestfriendships? certainly not chess club, id wager. but anyway, i looked badass in my mafia bandada, check the facebook for pictures. oh and APPARENTLY one of sarah's friends met zach, and im a dyke now, according to him. i dont know how that happened, since we went out and everything. i laughed at the story, but i'd really like to punch him in the face. too bad i probably won't have a chance to do that any time soon.

my parents decided to let me go with mil and karri to kalamazoo! suprising right?! ohh my goodness, im so freaking excited i dont even know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. thats more than twenty four hours with mil...its exactly what i feel like we need. i didnt really get a chance to hang out with him today, but i did see him a couple times getting karri and taking her home. it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him finally, after that long week of being apart. im a little nervous though, since its going to be an overnight thing. because i dont want him to see me all disgusting...definately not because i think anything sexual in nature is going to happen, because i know for certain that it wont. because i dont want to, and neither does mil. we both know that we arent ready, which is a good feeling since i know i dont have to worry about the 'negative side effects' generally associated with sex. we have something good going on right now, we dont need to fuck that up with that extra complication to the relationship. i know im not mature enough to deal with that...im just glad that im smart enough to figure that out on my own. some girls arent as lucky i guess, and they end up crossing the line and regretting it. well, i dont regret things. thats why i think long and hard about this stuff i guess...but anyway. karri says there's nothing to do at these people's house, so i guess we'll just be sitting around. which is good, i guess. watch the ball drop, consume liquids sparkling in nature, then sleep. ohhh, it would be nice to fall asleep with him, to wake up in his arms....and its possible. life is good.

i realize that this could possibly be my last post of the year two thousand and eight, which makes me feel slightly excited, but also, kind of sad. so much has happened this year, for better and for worse, but overall, id say that i improved over the course of it. im much more concious, thoughtful, and forward thinking than i was at the beginning of the year. i think before i act now, to an extent, and i made leaps and bounds in discovering who i am. i think that the most important thing i accomplished, however, was learn how to keep myself happy. last year, i let myself get sucked back into the same thing over and over again, and it wore on me. but now i know that i can get past it, and sometimes its better to just let go. ive hardened myself, made myself stronger. i can deal with people that talk shit better than i could before. maybe thats bad though, since people are talking shit. ohh well, i guess they're just jealous? who knows. i've made and lost and strengthened friendships, like i will continue to do throughout my life. when i think about it, i dont really know why people hype new years up so much, besides the fact that its a drinking holiday, and everyone loves those. i mean, today is a day and so is tomorrow...why are they different from all of the rest of the todays and tomorrows? life is not filed in chapters, that bind themselves together into a volume to be stored on a shelf until it is thick with dust and then read not often enough. if it were, with the way i live, i would burn those books. in life, i want to move forward, not waste ny time looking back.

so thats my single new years resolution: to keep going. in two thousand and nine, common era, i, katherine suzanne phipps vow to keep living my life with the intensity and the momentum that i know i deserve to enjoy.

love, kaatie

at a loss.

i am officially in over my head. which to be perfectly honest, suprises me, due to the sheer number of relationships ive been in. i thought that i could handle it all...haha NOT. actually, ive never ever actually craved intimacy with someone else. ive been a loner for most of my life, my social circle containing exclusively erica and the current boyfriend almost all the way through elementry and middle school. and then erica and i had that falling out last year. since then, it feels like i havent been able to find anyone that i just click with like that. its always been easy for me to bounce around though, i think you may have deduced that from reading this blog over the course of its existance. i just live fast, i guess. anyway. but now, i really really feel like i want to be closer to mil. like i said yesterday, its like i know him, sure, but i dont really know who he is. and it really is bothering me, but not as much as the fact that i cannot for the life of my figure out how im going to solve this problem. truth is, i actually dont know how to get to know him better. but i do know that it wont get any better if we continue things as they are now. we hang out out side of school, sure. but when we do...well, not a lot of talking gets accomplished. so we're going to work on that. the wierd thing is though, he feels the EXACT same way. he said something along the lines of, i feel like i dont know you at all when we were talking on the phone tonight. i thought he'd either found this or talked to karri, but he said that he's been thinking about it for like a week now. so maybe this is a normal feeling? DW said just give it time. anyone else ever feel like this? id sure like some advice right now.

but besides that crazy emotional bullshit, today was good. it was sunny again, which meant that i got to look superfly. ohh, i truely believe that i have an unhealthy obsession with those sunglasses. i noticed that last night i said "i look so hotttt in them!" and that disgusts me. it sounds like washed out, prep sheep speak. which is nasty. smack me if i ever do it again. tomorrow is the newspaper lazer tag adventure, which is thrilling. me and jason appel and karrigan and going to destroy the rest of the staff, since we are superior human beings. and we'll look amazing in the process, with our amazing bandanas that we're going to purchace before such events take place. and then the next day is new years! ohh my goodness, i got some exciting news. well, not really news. but mil and karri are going to kalamazoo, michigan to idk, paula's sisters for new years, and i got invited to go with them! the parents still have to discuss it, since its an overnight deal and everything, but even so, im way totally excited beyond belief. this takes stoked to a new level. since karrigan and mil are two of my favorite people in the whole world. its so convienient for them to be in the same family. which was wierd to think about in the beginning, but now its chill. i dont even think about in anymore. oh i just remembered i was going to talk about derek and his influence on mil. but i dont really want to anymore. since i dont know him and all, i dont need to be assessing such things. or at least, i dont want to be just yet. 666 is being ridiculous right about now, on a more random note. he's a nosy little fucker. i dont know why i even bother talking to him this late at night. its like im asking for it.

but then again, when am i not asking for it?
love, kaatie

i crave the sick sweetness.

well today was interesting. yesterday i guess, but im pulling a half assed all nighter with karrigan. ohh yes, shes sitting next to me, and were discussing people with waterbeds. apparently their warm comfort went out of style years ago. if you have one, prepare to get teased. im in the weirdest mood, not going to lie. and for once, it doesnt have anything to do with lucifer or steven. it actually has a lot to do with DW, and his advice hotline, as its been deemed by karrigan. and its a twenty four hour hotline....thrilling, no? anyway. i texted him in need of council after i started thinking about how i really dont know anything about emilio. i just noticed that today. i dont really feel close to him. its like, we talk, right? but its always about stupid stuff. the weather, school, tv. not even music, really. i want to have what i felt like [imagined?] that i had with zach. yes, i hate to bring him back up after so long, and after ive found countless ways to tell myself that he wasnt worth it, that what we were wasnt good for me, that it just wasnt a good situation to begin with. but still, there was all of those feelings that i had, legit or not, that i like. the ones that made me feel safe. warm fuzzy feelings, and i dont get that with mil. i still feel like im at a distance and i hate it. its like crossroads right now: i can either decide if i want to keep moving forwards or if i want to start to pull myself away. but lingering here, basically strangers on the most important emotional level...itd kill me. fuck tevyn. i honestly just want to throw myself at mil right now, unguarded, and let him catch me if he means what he says. for once, i want that sickly sweet, adorable, giggles and sunshine relationship. if only for a day.

my dad woke me up at aproximately 6:49 this morning to apoligize for what he said the night before. i was a little groggy and pissed [since my alarm was set for 11], but he was apoligizing all over himself for the night before. for berating me and not being tolerant of my mistakes, he said later. he says he feels terrible, and that he's never going to drink again because of the bad example it set for me and jackie. which i find interesting, but its strange. so he was drunk, and he said some shit. its all fun and good i guess, but theres no point in feeling all guilty when you were under the influence. like i said, if you say it while your drunk, it can most of the time be written off as the drink speaking. it was good that he said something to me though, and even more interesting that he woke me up to do it. i guess he is solid after all. which is comforting. i had a hockey game this morning, against "parents and alumni". i think it was a waste of ice time, personally. it would have been ten times more productive if we'd just had practice. but no, we played. and on the way home, the sun was out, which meant that i could wear my amazing red ray ban wayfarers without looking like an idiot. theyre so amazing, i swear to god. i look so hotttt in them! i feel like there was something else too...it had something to do with mil. oh yeah, him and his older brother. ill talk about that tomorrow i guess, if i feel like it. im getting tired now, so i think im off to bed or something. another giggle fest with karri, more likely.

love, kaatie

the drunken bible crusade.

YESTERDAY
you'd think that a parent run holiday party would be dull, uneventful. certainly not the source of mischif. and most definately not the source of mischif. and most definately not a reason to cry yourself to sleep. hell, wouldnt it seem like all of tha could potentiall come from leaving two troubled and confused home alone for like five hours [like steven and myself] would be the more likely cause? i think its ridiculously ironic that though we had many chances, absolutely nothing happened. We had a grand time, actuall. We cleaned up the kitchen, played mario kart for wii, and watched Batman [it was really creepy]. in fact, everything was completely fine until my parents got home. mother made a beeline for the bedroom, claiming headache [lightweight?!] but dad wasnt so lucky, since he still had to take steven home. i could smell the alcohol on him, but my first clue that he was utterly inebriated was that he said fuck. ive only heard him swear like once in my life...i just figured he didnt. or didnt around me and jackie, at least. he dropped steven off, and then asked me if anything bad happened. and since i didnt do anything wrong, i was feeling pretty confident about saying that everything was splendid. It was empowering, actually. But ironically, (again?!) It lasted about 30 seconds . He started to lecture ma about something that happened on Friday. We were playing Mario Kart and i got zapped or something and went from first to like last place only feet before the finish line. And being the sailor that i am, i said something resembling the GD word..."gahdahngit" or similar. I know i didnt straight up say it, because i barely cught myself. Of course, Jackie made a big deal about it. My mom just gave me a look and said, "watch your mouth." I figured it was done, buried. Apparently not. Dad's "talk" lasted for twenty minutes.

From his lecture, I have learned three valuable life lessons. More than that, probably. When its all said and done. First though, let me tells you what i know about alcohol. There are people that should drink, because they're charming and silly when they do so. And then theres the kind of the drunks that should be banned from drinking because they become faggy assholes when they're intoxicated. my dad is undoubtedly in the second catagory. my theory: the first group of people started drinking started drinking before they were twenty one, and therefore associate it with excitement. The second group denied themselves, and there you have it, bitter fools. Anyway, i really think that if i am a mean drunk, i wouldn't do it. My dad is, mil's dad is...jeez. i mean, he actually made me cry! With his nonsensical bullshit! Life lesson one: the sweet drink of the Gods makes people speak in tounges, and what is said under its influence, must be disregarded to a point. I picked up on that one when daddy started to contradict himself and babble about things that made no sense. Second: things that are brought before you in absurd ways, communicate the message the strongest. i think i learned something about myself during the talk...when i have to unscramble the words...what he is saying basically reads clearer, because he is saying exactly what his cloudy brain is saying. It wasn't pleasent, i dont plan on talking to him tomorrow, not after some of the things he said. I'm not as strong as id like to pretend, and he hit below the belt Plus, i respect(ed) him, so i'm inclined to take what he says to heart. And third: drinking is not as cool as i thought. Plain as that. DW is right, it's kinda dumb. If i render myself to such a state that i make myself into an unintelligible blubbery mess, whats the fun? It definitely knocked my trust for daddy down a notch, which makes me tear up as i am writing this. I thought he was solid, but i guess not. since he decided to go on a drunken bible crusade.

so im pretty upset, i want to call mil or somebody, but my phone is downstairs and so is my father.
love, kaatie
[partially scrolled by guest dj karrigan]

in the moment, not ahead of it.

its the afternoon, i think. well almost. noonish. but im super tired. mother dearest made me get up at ten to help her clean up for her party tonight. i dont mind, really, except for the fact that i didnt get to sleep until aproximately five in the morning. it was dumb, admittedly, but i needed something to occupy my mind. i was texting tevyn, aka lucifer, aka 666 since thats easier to spell than lucifer, according to karri. And i think that ive got this whole situation under control now. believe it or not, we most talked it out. and i discovered that in essence, we think the same way, down to fears and whatnot. he acts cocky and confident. so do i. apparently, unless he's bullshitting me, hes afraid of putting himself into a relationship just to be tossed to the side when is all said and done. and lord knows how i feel about putting myself in that vulnerable place. god, its like he reads my mind. and then of course, i say something thats just a little too far, and way out of my comfort zone, and its terrifying because i know that i have the potential to turn something that could be good into something very bad REALLY quick. he said that im perfect for him, but it would end badly. which i understand better than he probably knows. its like zach all over, but in a more intellegent, and well, more real form. at least im learning to master my emotions through all of this. he also, apparently, doesnt want me to make things bad for mil. he said he knows what that feels like [so do i!]. it makes me think of what ethan told mil when he said that he didnt want any games with me. ethan had it right: thats all i ever do.

is it totally wierd that i know that i do all of this stuff? i feel like im evaluating someone else, instead of actually living this. its strange and all, but i dont want it to stop. which probably isnt fair and definately isnt how things are supposed to work, i know that. i logically cannot have mil and tevyn at the same time. it would probably fuck up the world order, like when brutus kills caesar and the world falls to pieces. no, im going to have to concentrate on living in the moment.. im starting to realize that i have something good. but anyways. tonight is that party, and then my parents and their friends will be taking the fun bus to other locations for the night. and steven's going to come over to watch monty python with me, and other fun nefarious activities. i guess you could say that we made up. i didnt chew him out like i wanted to. actually, i gave him the silent treatment, and true to form, 24 hours of unanswered texts later, he was begging for forgiveness. which i dont mind so much. at least i got that much from him. so im going to shower now, and do other fun things. life is good.

love, kaatie

sell out boy.

DECEMBER 24, 2008. 12:02 AM
now that ive vented and switched pens, id like to wish everyone a merry christmas. honestly, i just want to forget everything for the next few days and relax for once. life is made of highs and low, i know that better than most, this is like a high and a low at the same time, it its mostly just like the low feeling ive come to accept as a normal happening. its turbulent, i guess. but like everything else, this too shall pass. thank god for that. i dont really remember what i asked for for christmas, but whatever i get, its chill. the only thing i really covet right now is a new phone with a QWERTY keyboard. i know im getting a set of golf clubs and rockband, which is exciting, no lie. OH and nana is getting me a pair of wayfarers. which is thrilling.

And fall out boy, despite the fact that island has made them all radio whores, still has kickass lyrics. provacative, witty, amazing. Folie a Deux is decent ONLY because wentz is an exceptional lyricist. thats all i have to say about that, i guess. its too bad that they had to let me down, because i truely worshiped that band. but now, they're known to me as sell out boy, the faggy losers. wow.

love, kaatie

dont call me a whore.

DECEMBER 23, 2008. 11:51 PM
its really frustrating that i have to take my computer downstairs at night, because its damned hard to blog when i dont have such a device to blog on. And during the day, i never feel like i have anything to write about. After i say goodnight to my parents and turn off the lights is when im assulted by emotion on most nights. but then again, writing it all down manually works fine too. i guess as long as my devoted fans [eye roll] get told about my troubles, its all good. since i know soo many people read this [*insert sigh] oh well. i still get a nice release from this, a writer's high, if you will.

there are a couple of tings that seem to be clouding my thoughts that should be merry, since in 3 mintues it will be christmas eve. it doesnt feel like christmas though. what it feels like is a nightmare. the major characters in said nightmare are myself, tevyn, and steven. all people that usually cause me trouble, i know. but with so many things going on so quickly, and at the same time, everything feels a little dreamlike and surreal. its not good, because i think that might be because im feeling a little guilty. but ill get to that in a minute.

okay so, i want to talk about steven first, because thats what fresh on my mind, it seems as though he's my only solid friend, and thas kinda stange, but whatever. but last night, he called me to tel me that he was "the only imperfect thing in my imperfect life." at first, i was upset, sad, and whathaveyou. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is the BIGGEST attention whore ive ever met in my entire life. i know because whenever he bitches about how much his life sucks, i bend over backwards to try and fix it. and do i ever get repaid with anything? i think not! i dont even get loyalty. as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he decides that he doesnt need me. dumb fucker. ill have none of that, i fully intend on telling him all this next time i see him, and i honestly dont care if he things im a bitch. it really has to be done, or else hell never realize that he needs to quit complaining and GROW UP.

now tevyn: ohhh goodness. yesterdat we were texting and he [not me] suggested that we watch a movie. except, he meant at his house, just the two of us. and his film suggestions were even sort of erotic: sweeny todd and moulin rouge. so i decided that it would be better if we went to carmike and actually saw a movie in theatres. so i recruited parker and erica to go see yes man with us [it was dumb, not that funny] so we went. it was eerily like a double date, except it was a mearly for fun, friendly outing. to me, at least, since me and tevyn are not dating. we talked alot, before, during, and after the movie. about almost everything, including beliefs and religion, which i hardly talk about with anyone. not even mil, as of yet. there was no physical contact, though he tried to kiss me a few times during the movie. i kind of wanted to at the time, but im SO glad that i didnt. the chemistry we have [or it seems like we have, anyway] is addicting and exciting, but i know where to draw the line. and kissing is definately across that line. going anywhere at all might be added to across the line very soon. i did decide that i want to give him a shot eventally though. i think itll be good. the hired help at arbys thought we were a couple, which was ironic in a bad way but funny at the same time. ah, well. at least it seems like ive gotten my fix for a while. i wasnt as impulsed to text him today. ugh. i really am terrible.

so as you can see, i happen to be a very fucked up individual. if you must comment, dont tell me that im a dumb whore. i already know that.
love, kaatie

weaknesses and redundancy.

ho, hum. ABC family is a christmas guilty pleasure of mine, but today they decided to let me down and play the incredibles and cars. and then, the incredibles and cars again. i mean honestly, i love animated movies almost as much as i love art and music, but my god. the same bland plotlines twice in a row!? and cars goes on and on and on. ive never actually been able to watch the whole thing without getting distracted and walking away. but oh well. i would definately rather be watching a classic stop motion christmas movies, but whatever. im in the wierdest mood right now, and id like to dedicate this post to blaming tevyn james bell for my strife. oh and, emilio is going to be in florida for the next week or so with his dad for christmas. and when i heard this, i immediately asked myself, why do i date people that are not from around here? i know the answer: because i hate it here, and like to pretend that this is not my home town. but honestly, all i could think about was zach and his stupid trips home to new york. but i dont talk about him anymore. jeeez.

so anyway. back to tevyn, or as me and karri affectionately nicknamed him, lucifer. because he is like the devil but i just cant get enough of him, or so it seems. when i first met him, i was overwhelmed by the reasons i thought that i should be with him. you know, like we have so much in common, we would be good for eachother, so on, and so forth. but then i got control over myself, and i was like, no katie, he's just playing games, he's clearly just messing with you. and i thought that it would be better from then on. but it didnt get better. like last night, we were chatting it up on facebook. i started with my usual resolve, countering his, you know you want me with a little what the hell does someone like you want with someone like me? But then, suddenly, he was confessing [fakely?!] that he's a closet romantic and that he only gets emotionally involved when he wants to. but we're so similar, i get to thinking. if we went out, wouldnt it work like, amazingly? wouldnt we know exactly what the other one wanted and needed and hated? because we're practically the same person. we understand what we mean, even on stuff that the whole rest of the world thinks is a little off base. compatibility is not something that ive ever gotten to experiance in a relationship before. like, me and emilio dont have anything in common. but nonetheless, our relationship is fabulous. tevyn is a fabulous talker, and i admit that i have a weakness for those. just like i have a weakness for smart people and redheads. and guess what? he's both of those.

me and jason appel plotted about warped tour oh nine today, and its going to be the shit. 30h!3, breathe carolina, bayside, brokencyde, cash cash, escape the fate, every avendue, hit the lights, i set my friends on fire, scary kids scaring kids, millionaires, sing it loud, the ataris, the devil wears prada, the maine, the white tie affair, there for tomorrow, and valencia. oh, and i met a really cool kid named alex taylor. he's fly.

love, kaatie

best friend stealer.

okay so, im a jealous person right? you all know that already, its one of my less than endearing qualities. but its the wierdest thing: im jealous, and fiercely so, of stevens new girlfriend. It pisses me off mostly because she's a freshman. and i dont like steven in that way, but honestly. she's absolutely adorable and smart, apparently. and she does hardcore drugs, which in stevens eyes, probably makes her infinately cooler than me. so in other words, ive been replaced by a freshman. an asian freshman, no less. not that i have anything against asians, duh. but she's just so perfect looking with her almond shaped eyes and thick black hair and perfect skin. i decided that i hate her, and he way she stole my bestest friend. but whatever, i guess. they wont be together forever, and when they break up, ill still be his bestest friend. and she'll be the bitch. its not like theyre getting married or anything. he only talks to her on the bus. thats where they met, which is the dumbest thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. i mean, seriously. yeah, im dating a kid from my bus. he's awkward looking with her. they dont look like they fit. all in all, the situation pisses me off. i dont want to be with him, but i loved his previously undying devotion, that died. i loved the fact that even though i rejected him, we still had that super strong bond that nothing could come between. i didnt even let mil come between us. he was still the most important person in my life. but ohhh, no. one day of bus girl and suddenly, he doesnt even tell me that he loves me, something that we've been saying to eachother for more than a year. and he doesnt sit with me on the bus anymore. what the fuck kind of bus buddy best friend is that?!

tomorrow is going to be great, i think. its the last day of exams, and i only have drawing and newspaper. blowoff test and a christmas party. and its ugly christmas sweater day. my sweater is kickass, check my facebook sometime for pictures. i have amazing christmas presents to give to everyone too, but i wont say what they are in case people are reading this. well, i guess i can say everyones except my lovely hashbrown....i got mil an AE hoodie. steven's getting a chinese fighting fish [hes dating an asian, how ironic]. karri's getting an really cute F21 hat and scarf. stephology, amazing shoelaces. and caylin, i havent decided what to do. i got a somewhat generic F21 necklace, but she's been quite a bitch to me, so i dont really want to give it to her. i know that sounds terrible, but hey. if we arent going to be friends, i dont want to give her a christmas gift. i might give it to erica instead. thats terrible, isnt it? she texted me last night, and was like, im sorry i blew up at you the other day. i dont really think texts can make up for her blatent rudeness, and i find it hard to believe that she values our friendship at all. but ill think about it. im generally pretty forgiving.

i dont know why i have all of these hateful feelings right now. oh wait, yes i do. pms.
love, kaatie

things i never want to be.

there are some things i would never like to be. one of them is fat. seriously, if any of you notice that in my facebook pictures that im starting to look a little porky, let me know immediately! and then stab me with an ice pick in the back of the neck. and then promptly put me on a diet. other things on the list never to be is repulsive in any way, shape or form. and never to smell, with the exception of after hockey games/practices, because if i dont smell like sweat after hockey, it means i didnt sweat, and if i didnt sweat, i didnt work hard enough. i also dont want to acquire a straight up bad reputation. like, i know that my ways make people talk, which is hilarious because of all things im definately not a slut, no matter how many boys i talk to. but i dont want to be labeled as a loser or something. unless that label contains the words arrogant, pretentious, or something else of that nature. because i definately am. i dont know, thats probably why i feel like i have to get this out there: if i was nasty, i dont know how i would be able to go on! seriously, if people smell or are really fat, other people remember and talk about it. or at least, i know i do. and i dont want to be talked about like that. plus, it would be such a waste of my charm and good looks if i was gross, dont you think?

my facebook account is unavalible right now, which is annoying. who knows, thats probably a sign that i need to get up off my ass and get the driveway snowblown, since it snowed like two inches last night. i dont mind so much; i would prefer real winter to the puss winter with slush and lukewarmness anyway. or maybe its a sign that i need to get offline and study for my chemistry final, which looms over my head scarily. todays finals included algebra II, which wasnt so bad i guess, and fashion, which was super easy. you know. i used to think i was a good test taker, but not so much anymore. i hate taking tests, especially ones in math and chemistry. i work so slowly, i never have time to finish, which frustrates me because i feel like if i could get the damn things finished, i could get a halfway decent grade. but no. i hate those classes so much, but i discovered that i have at least one friend in both of them next semester.

thats decent, i guess, except my friend in chemistry happens to be tevyn, and i dont care what my instincts tell me, that is not good. im making a logical case with myself to never talk to that kid again, because honestly, he means trouble. its not that i like him, really. i know that about ninty percent of what he says to me he doesnt mean, and what he does mean, he's only telling me because he wants to get in my pants. im fully aware of these things, but i talk to him anyway. and whats worse: i look forward to talking to him, and sometimes i text him first. believe me, i confuse myself with such actions also. but its like, ive never known someone who has such an addicting effect to me like that. he draws me in and makes me want to keep talking to him. he makes the utterly impossible things he proposes sound like no big deal. AND he makes it seem like he's supremely attractive and like im extremely stupid for not wanting him. i do want him though, at least a little bit. because for everything thats wrong with him [the fact he wants me to cheat on mil, the fact that he's already hooked up with at least two other girls at carroll, and theyre both in show choir and theyre both disgusting, the fact that hes in showchoir himself, the fact that he dresses awkwardly sometimes, his bad hair] we still have things in common and he still has those magical blue eyes...and he's still a total womanizer [excuse me while i sing, that song is stuck in my head.] i guess the bad out weighs the good, but that doesnt make me like him any less. possibly because im an idiot?

oh well. i have to study. more later, or tomorrow.
love, kaatie

triumphant return.

hey, guess who?! hell yeah kids, its katie. in case you forgot, im that easy breezy hippie swinger that loves music, art, and fashion and delights in a good time. things have been so crazy lately, and i was a bit to wrapped up in my own head for a while there, so i decided to take a break and detox, if you will, from spending so much time every day talking about my pathetic life. but things have changed so much in the last month, i kid you not. i believe i am a completely different person. that concert was amazing, by the way. my warped tour shoes are complete, and carolina liar is definately one of my new favorite bands. i guess they have been for a while...a lot of bands have joined those ranks as of lately though. and some unlikely songs hailing from the mainstream have found their way into my heart..er, head. forever by chris brown and womanizer by brittany spears. chris brown cranks out hits that are purely radio every now and then, so it doesnt surprise me that i like forever. but brittany spears....thats different. stab me, but i love her. her videos suck ass, but her music...its not that her lyrics are good. but all of her recent stuff is fabulously catchy. so, there you go. i submit to some popular songs/musicians. but hannah montanna still makes me bleed out the ears.

but more important things have happened to me since i last posted than finding a few new favorite songs. for starters, caylin and i are not really friends anymore. she's a piece of work though, lemme tell you. its not that i dont like her, really, but her attitude is tiresome. all she ever does is cause drama, and she definately acts like she doesnt want to be friends anyway. so i decided that it wasnt worth my time. but, as easily as i seem to lose best friends, i find them easy to replace. fickle bitch says you? easier that way, says i. seriously though. ashley and i reconnected, which is amazing. and karri, aka karrigan marie aka my sister in law serious journalism partner in crime is my bestest friend ever. we have good times in newspaper and we're basically the shit. that unmentionable boy, well, his name is troy temple and he joined the army. he's fun to bother sometimes. and dustin? he actually isnt creepy at all. in fact, DW is one of the smartest, sweetest people i know. totally dateable, though, even though i use the word sweet, if he's reading this. he's an intellegent boy, proof that they really do exist. i consider him the big brother i never had. and ill love him forever, even though his sister is BW and she likes emilio. or so we thing. and let's not forget emilio...i didnt think it would last this long, but things are still absolutely fantastic. its the exact sort of relationship i imagined would result from having your first kiss together under the stars. we fight, but its cute, and there's always a lot of making up afterwards. im not sure love is the word, because im not going to go through all of that again, but i care about him more than i expected to. things are perfect in my perfect life.

or at least they were, until this other boy came crashing into my life. i met him in chemistry class, of all places. the one class where i dont need any distractions. but oh my god, he's a distraction and a half times infinity. his name is tevyn bell and he's probably the most attractive boy ive ever been good friends with. he likes all of the same music as i do, plays seven instruments, plays soccer, is smart, gets good grades, and is from south africa. he has the most amazing blue eyes, the kind that remind you of the sky in july, but are deeper and kinder and a hell of a lot more intoxicating. i know, it sounds like there's something going on, doesnt it? well, i wont deny that i like him. it hard not to. even emilio is friends with him. tevyn is a whole new thing for me...its like meeting myself as a male. he's confident and flattering and even has red hair. but i do my best to not let myself think about him too much. its hard though. and uh....did i mention that he wants to be friends with benefits?

yeah. more on that later. im sure its going to come up about every day. but at least its almost christmas! only one more week of school...finals start on wednesday. and then a half day friday, which hopefully, ill be spending at mil's. but i think i need some sleep now. this was nice. i kind of forgot the release i got from blogging to anyone and everyone that cares to read my innermost thoughts. which arent that inner after theyre on here, are they? perplexing. goodnight.

love, kaatie

two days until the concert.

its either very late or very early, and im so tired, but i figured that since ive been depriving myself of this outlet i would post tonight because im going to be gone tomorrow and sunday. tomorrow, i have two hockey games, then its off to michigan to see we the kings, the academy is..., hey monday, and carolina liar. im so excited, you have no idea. i hope i see ezekiel the merch guy again. that would totally make my day, because hes so tight. and if i could meet travis clark again and have the rest of the band sign my shoes...ohh, life would just be amazing. and william beckett....yumm :]

things with steven were...interesting today. i didnt say anything to him, but i couldnt stop thinking about it. i told mil, and he was supportive and appropriately shocked. i almost cried as i was telling him though, which i think may have freaked him out a little bit. then i felt bad, and a little self centered. i wont let it happen though. ill have him at my house every day. i wont let him out of my sight [steven that is. not mil, although i want him to be with me all the time so badly its crazy]...thats how ill make sure everything is fine. tonight we went to the haunted jail in columbia city, which was the scariest thing ive ever experianed in my life. i did a lot of screaming and i didnt let go of mil if i could help it...it was cute the way he held me. but we were both terrified. im so jumpy anyway. i bet it was hilarious to see the two of us, at least for the actors there. then we chilled at taco bell. which was exciting, no lie. we make good three muskateers.

i must sleep. and dream of 1) my man. and 2) my other man, travis clark. but mostly my own, because i dont think you can top that.
love, kaatie

things that matter and things that dont.

i know some things: kissing my boy makes my head spin and my heart race. steven scott grim is my best friend and i would be absolutely nothing without him. newspaper class is absolutely amazing. my life has its little ups and downs, but is absolutely amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

my first story is silly, and trivial. today, karri mentioned a secret and i mentioned it to mil, and he obviously had one, so i like finally got it out of him. apparently, like last tuesday, he was in earthspace science and this girl came up to him and asked him if he was dating me. and for some random reason he said no. probably because we'd been going out for less than twenty four hours and people had been asking us both for the entire month we'd been talking. my guess is, he answered automatically, like he was used to. which is fine with me, personally. because going out doesnt make you a part of eachother. thats what time does. but anyway, as soon as he said it, he started to freak out. because apparently, he thought that his subconcious was trying to tell him that he didnt want to really be with me, which was not the case, as ive been assured by karri. but he made a huge deal about it and i thought it was funny. ohh, boys and their silly ideas. but honestly, things with us couldnt be better.

but this is serious. nick lytle, my favorite baby daddy and best friend ever, told me something that made me cry and made me scared and is making me not want to sleep for the rest of my life. he said that steven wants to kill himself. and i dont really know what to do. immediately, i thought of similar events and about how ive been in this situation before. i told someone, and ultimately, they were alright. it took a while, and it took tears and hard work, but it paid off. so i want to tell someone. but then...steven is different. hes depressed and does drugs and is into all the wrong things, and doesnt care about much of anything that matters. i dont know what would happen if i told someone what was going on with him. he would obviously get help, but wouldnt he get in trouble also? would his parents even be supportive? would they care? but the smarter side of me wants to go to someone first thing in the morning, and talk to them about it. i know this is serious, every health class ive ever talken has drilled this into my head. but im scared...to lose him as a friend, but i guess if i dont do anything, i might lose him completely. and i dont know if i could ever recover from that. he told nick he was giving it a year.

i guess i know what i have to do, but i dont know how to do it. im crying and im scared, and thinking about it makes it all the more real to me. it makes me wonder if i could have prevented this somehow. actually, it makes me wonder something very specific: if we were together, would any of this be happening? someone help me.

love, kaatie

political soup.

today at school there was a motivational speaker instead of homeroom and activity period. not going to lie, he was probably the most inspiring person ive ever heard speak in my entire life. his story was so touching that i cried, and it really made me want to change for the better. he talked about forgiveness and moving forward in your life, which really hit home because of the way things are with my mom. after his presentation, im willing to let everything go and just work on forming a better relationship with her. i kind of wish that she heard him speak too, though. actually, i think everyone should hear this guy speak once in their life. yeah, hes that good. maybe we should elect him president, if barack obama doesnt work out. speaking of my man obama, im super jazzed that he won the election. but my dad was saying something about his bailout plan affecting my ability to go to Pratt for college because i wont be able to get student loans to pay for it. which would REALLY piss me off. no lie. so now, even though obama won and ive been for him from the beginning, im a little uneasy. i mean, its waay exciting that im consiously living through such a historic election. i dont mean that hes the first african american president, even though thats why people are calling it historic. i dont give a damn if hes black. or white, or mexican, or gay, or rich or poor. those kinds of things couldnt mean less to me. rather, im fascinated by obamas socialist ideals. i find the idea of socialism to be good and beneficial, so to be young while such practices might be implemented in the united states...wow. ive always wondered what it was like to live through things like the USSR or WWII or the French Revolution. did those people know that the things that went on in their world, the politics that their parents debated at the dinner table, the things they chatted about with their friends....the things that were actually going on in the world...if those things would actually be a part of history to come. bush was possibly the worst president in american history. i think, historically, he will be one of those leaders, like for instance, stalin, who came in to change something and left the whole world wondering, what the fuck were you even thinking? and now that our world [our precious PRINCIPLE OF INTERVENTION >:(] is a such a critical point, im ready to witness some history. congratulations, president obama.

four more days until i see my beloved travis again!
love, kaatie

i never cease to thrill.

i discovered, much to my surprise and probably the surprise of many others, something about myself today: i am a commitmentphobe. the feeling hit me all at once. but when i think about it, long term relationships have never really been my thing. when i think about it, after the guy and me actually sit down and talk about being official, things change. for me at least. and thats why it always feels like relationships change the second that they start for me, i think. when we're talking, everythings fine. because im not scared, then. but then WHAM all of a sudden, were together. a couple. we have to do everything that that horrible, nasty word entails. not that i dont like being in a relationship. deffffinately not that. i love the feeling of being loved, and being in a relationship give me some amount of tangible security, i guess. but i dont like all of the things that couples think theyre supposed to do. like, for instance, celebrate 1 month anniversaries, and spend every waking minute together. talk every passing period. you know, all the formalities and such...i dont know. i just think its wierd. does this even make any sense to anyone? i just like things to be the way they are before things are labeled, i guess.

which brings me to the point of my story. today, mil stayed after school with me to keep me company during layout night. and after a while of just staring at my homework, we decided to go mess around somewhere [carroll high school has many amusing locations to do such a thing, you just have to search for them. and always be on your toes. you never know when a janitor is going to pop out of no where!] so we went on that little jaunt and ended up coming back down the stairs by the room where the newspaper staff was chilling, holding hands and just like, talking. and this one girl was like, "WHOA what were you guys just doing?!" and im like, "uhh, nothing abby." because shes wierd and i dont think ive ever talked to her in my life. and then she said "well, you never know. but nine months later..." and i was just like, ok. thats wierd as hell. so we were sitting in the newspaper room by karri. so later i said something about us being in a crowded room, so maybe such pda was not wise, and he was like, why? your my girl. and that really made my day. thats what relationships should be about...not labels or commitment. just solid feelings, trust, and that tingly feeling i get every time he touches me. :]

ELECTION DAY = OBAMA'08
love, kaatie

sweet freedom.

Im ungrounded, a few days early which excites me to an extreme. like you dont even know. so im going to start blogging regularly again, which may or may not be a good thing in the grand scheme of things. if anyone cares, then its your lucky day. and its my lucky day, because i can like, share things now. things have been good for me lately with the exception of today, because today was just a little...wierd. i mean, not really wierd, but not usual...who even knows. im just waaay out of it. probably because im tired and so stressed out that i dont even know if ill be able to handle it. thats why im blogging at this moment, by the way. i need to unwind before i can start my homework.

but things happened today: for one, justo lamas came to our school and preformed a bitchin concert in spanish. me and stephanie decided that it was a warmup for the amazing show were going to on sunday [which is in 6 days!] anyway. if you dont know who justo is, then you're definately missing out. hes basically this spanish pop star type deal that preforms at schools to teach spanish and raise awareness [get ready for this - its crazy] schitzofrenia/suicide. he sings and dances for three whole hours, while people scream and pretend that hes cool because he doesnt speak much english [during the show, he criticizes himself for not taking english in highschool. because he didnt think our language was important. pfffft, what was he thinking?] and take pictures with flash because thats encouraged i guess. his favorite dance moves include swaying he knees back and forth, and pelvic thrusts. and he flipped his greasy, shoulder length blonde hair upside down exactly 146 times during the show. during one song, he walked up and down the two main aisles in the large auditorium and sang, for some unknown purpose. actually, i think the purpose was so that people sitting in the aisle could touch him. AND I DID. yes, he suggestively squeezed my left hand. you know you're jealous. after the show, i got a picture signed and whatnot. i was aproximately 3 feet away from a creepy argentine man that sings for little children and dances suggestively. what a day, what a day.

basically, nothing else has changed. me and mil are still good. we've been going out for a week. on halloween, he came over and we passed out candy. my parents still suck.

now, i must go waste time elsewhere.
love,kaatie

officially official.

its been quite a while, but honestly, im not freaking. kindof, because i broke the whole pattern of posting everyday or at least at every single oppurtunity i could, but not so much on an emotional level. probably because things are going well, amazingly. i havent felt like this before. which is extremely cliche and i realize that, but its one of those feelings that makes you want to get out of bed at five oclock and get to school early just to talk to that someone. in my case, mil. one of those feelings that lingers, and makes everything, no matter how mundane, exciting, because you know theres someone who wants to hear all about everything. someone who wants to hear every detail about your days, whos fascinated with every part of you...it really is wonderful. and i still cant believe that i found someone like that. seriously, i mentioned him in a post when i met him. and now, less than a month later....

not much happened last week, as far as wednesday is concerned at least. the poetry reading went great. school was a half day on thursday, and then me and mom and jackie chilled around the house and cleaned. my room recieved a much needed cleaning. friday, we shopped. and i got some cute stuff. then we took my dad out for dinner for his birthday, which is actually tomorrow, but hes in arizona. then i spent the night at caylins with her and steph. we watched some movies [silent hill and se7en are both scary as hell. my goodness. i dont recommend watching them without guys, which is what we did.] and chilled. then went to caylins volleyball thingy. then i had to go home by myself. but i was pretty freaked out. so i called mil, and we talked for about...4 hours. sunday, we didnt leave the house, so i had a disney marathon. alice in wonderland is so trippy. and beauty and the beast remains my favorite one, the little mermaid a close second.

monday was probably the most amazing day of my entire life. i went over to mils house at like 11ish, and we hung out til like 4. he asked me to be his girlfriend, so we're definatly official :] ohhh wow. get details from me if i love you. all i can say is wow. i think i found a keeper. hes just so amazing, and it was so unexpected. i found something good.

yesterday and today; school. ive been quite keyed up, so i havent been sleeping that well, but i think its a good thing. because ive been lying awake thinking happy thoughts about someone that i may or may not love but definately have some strong feelings for. yknow. halloween is the day after tomorrow, and apparently im too old to trick or treat so i think that mil is coming over here to pass out candy with me. then, arrianas party on saturday. im definately pumped. and i know i say this kind of a lot, but damn, my life is good.

love, kaatie

trend.

your new trend is such a disaster
dont try and fool us with pretentious laughter
i think i can see but its not very clear
i know you know what happened here
death cab comes, quick bolt the door
bloody kleenex all over the floor
glorified and glamorized
try and forget their sunken eyes
its on your hands and heres a tip
we dont care if youre really hip
you said shoot up, come fly with me
the habit wouldnt set them free
you models are beautiful, dont get me wrong
emaciated junkies have been in all along
down your runway, hell comes faster
your new trend is such a disaster.

critique?

preforming artist?!.

ohhemmgee! tonight is ms ococks poetry reading at firefly coffee house. im waaay effing pumped. a band is going to be there, called dark room. apparently its ms ococks friend from college or something, and hes tight as HELL. not even joking. he was in english class today to talk about music and poetry, and i thought i was going to die. literally. its a damn good thing that i sit in the back of the classroom. for one, he was a ginger. with amazing hair.. second only to travis's, but sexy FO SHO. i just wanted to like, run my fingers through it. for two, he had great style. like, he just looked cool. and then...oh my god his voice. check them out on myspaceee, hes tight. im so glad that im in honors english. AND his favorite band is death cab for cutie, because of ben's amazing lyrics. so basically, it was the best class, not only english class [exageration, yes. but still] ever.

so im nervous for this whole reading thing. i mean, i love to write, and i know im good at it [uhh, yes, concieted] but like, i like to think of myself as a visual artist. i mess around on the guitar, but im by no means a musician. but, in spite of nerves and apprehension, i shall overcome. :D ill post my poem next. things with mil are going splendidly. we actually hung out today, even though it was before school. but still, it was time together.

it was a good day.
love, kaatie

a little jaded but what else is new.

its strange. ive had so many wierd thoughts lately but nothing to say...thats a lie. i have plenty to say, but when i actually have time to sit down and just spill it all out, i cant think of any words to accuately describe what im thinking. its not like last weekend [or at least i think it was last weekend, where i could barely even talk because i was just so dumbfounded by emilio and the whole host of feelings that suddenly materialized with him] but its uncomfortable in the same way. my sanity depends on being able to talk about what im feeling so that i can understand it. and im not able to do that when i have to spend the entire weekend with 13 year old boys and my sister. ugh. hockey season has begun. the highlights of my weekend include being called a pedophile and being asked not one but three times if i went to michigan state university.

i feel a little jaded, and it might have something to do with ethan meyers [hes a part of that not so exclusive club of mine. you know, the ex's.] telling [warning?] mil that i get bored with guys easily and that im a bitch and that i go through boyfriends like no tomorrow and that if he gets involved with me, it wont last more than a week. so mil like freaks out and calls me on thursday night to find out if its true [accurate answer: probably]. of course i told him that ethan was probably just jealous, and not to worry about it. but im extremely furious. ethan meyers does not have long to live. gage said that he just wants to get back with me. AS FUCKING IF. but it got me to thinking: what if thats really what other people think about me? that im just going from guy to guy for entertainment, that i just wanna mess around and be done [although ethan definately never got any from me]. i mean, yeah i get bored easily, but thats because no one interests me. if i found someone who actually made me love them for something, someone that made me feel the way i want to feel, which is not like a freaking middle school crush. [like zach. i never got bored with him] i want to be in real love. i want a relationship that keeps in coming back day after day, someone i absolutely can not stop thinking about if i try...is that too much to ask? apparently, yes.

i need some ice cream. goodness gracious. at least i have school tomorrow. i need a hug, and i think i know exactly where i can find a good one.... ;]
love, kaatie

tagged.

:o i got tagged by almostjade. that means people are reading my blog. which makes me intensely happy. so im writing this, like, bouncing up and down. with excitement.

WISHES
1) for things to work out with emilio
2) to have enough money to get my fashion fix
3) to find friends that are mature and do not add to the stress in my life
4) to marry travis clark and have a ginger child :]

DESTINATIONS
1) New York City
2) Haiti
3) London
4) Madrid

CAREERS
1) fashion design
2) music industry
3) journalism
4) photography

AT THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, GODS GONNA SAY
1) hey katie,
2) we have plenty of people that are eager to meet you,
3) because of the things you did during your life
4) youre about to have a great time

VICTIMS
1) hashbrown
2) jbaby
3) aren
4) jocelyn


love, kaatie

times like these.

whoa hey. im a little bit spazzed out todaybecause of the PSAT and last night being, well, basically one of the best nights of my life, EVEN THOUGH my math homework took me all of like four hours and i only got like five hours of sleep because my stupid hair was in stupid rollers. but it turned out cute so im happy. kinda. i hate wearing my hair curly most of the time because i think it looks dumb but everyone else says its cute. i took a photo and when my computer moves back upstairs when i regain custody of it in like 3 more weeks, ill upload it. but anyway. back to last night.

everyother tuesday is layout night, so of course, that set the tone for the most amazingest evening. so i went to the newspaper room, with karri and mil [:)]. so i was like, working on my math, and me and karri were making fun of mil because he doesnt speak like any spanish at all and were both really fluent. obviously we were talking about him. and about how hes whipped, pre-relationshiply. so then karri disappeared, and me and mil hung out for quite a while. then we went to the vball game to watch caylin. and then i realized that bri anderson [who hates me with a passion] and liz jones [mil's ex :o who, if she didnt hate me before, probably hates me now] are both on the volleyball team. and sure enough, mil and i were recieving death glares from both of them. i thought it was funny then, but now i sorta feel bad. a little. because it would have been a little like zach going to a golf match and then being all over taylor. OUCH. but they only like went out for a week and that was like a month ago, so its not quite as bad. but what can you do? im not smart enough to do something like that on purpose. then mils older brother derek came to pick them up, and lemme just throw this out there: if mil turns out like derek, then we will certainly be getting married because my GOODNESS that boy is CALIENTE. oh man. then, well, i think we all know what happened next. the second was better than the first :]

its a different kind of like right now, and im slowly starting to figure out why mil isnt like the other flames this year. for one, he knows how things operate, and i think he values space like i do. but in that, he doesnt let anyone, myself included, that hes completely crazy about me. hes adorable. at first, i thought that him being a master at making my heart race made him also a master player, but not anymore. not after orin and andy both told me that he talks about me constantly. he just makes me feel comfortable around him, and more importantly, comfortable with myself. looking back, im not sure that zach ever made me feel like that. in fact, im starting to think that all of the feelings i had for zach were partially imaginary. because we really didnt see eachother that much for me to be that 'in love' with him. i dont want to let those feelings go, but i know that i can now, because i found someone that makes me really feel like that. for real.

its times like these that make this rollercoaster worth riding.
love, kaatie

i got kissed under the stars.

im baaack....did you miss me? well, actually, im definately not back because im definately still grounded, but i had a very interesting weekend so ill take a few minutes from my intense review writing for the charger to talk about it. i missed my blogging more than ever as i sat around feeling very apathetic and so confused after friday night. not that it went badly...contrarily, it was amazing. well, mostly. ill get to that in a minute. but the feelings i had...i wish i could have documented them. because im sure that ive never felt like that before. it was so wierd, because the way i was thinking was so removed from what i was feeling. and then this morning, they totally completely shifted on me. like, one of those 'was i really thinking that or was i imagining it?' kind of deals.

friday night was...amazing. i wont bore you with the details [but if you ask me, i just might telll you the juicy parts ;)] overview: we watched the STUPIDEST movie ive ever seen im my life, called session 9 about a crazy guy, i think. the plot was so confusing and all over the place that i didnt even totally understand what went on, except that the one guy killed all the other people because he was insane and the voice in his head [whose name was simon...i did pick up on that. simon also liked in this dead girl's head and made her kill her brother and parents. i think. that was just kindof in the movie randomly.] it was rated R, but im not exactly sure why. really, the only thing that happened was the kid was rolling a j and they said fuck like twelve thousand times. so who knows. so then the movie ended and me and mil decided to just go like, walk around outside. so we walked around in pine valley for a while, just talking and such. it was quite romantic, if i do say so myself. then we chilled on some random person's swingset and looked at the stars. and then [for those of you that cant see this coming] he kissed me :]

well, then we got back to stephanie's house, and caylin was PISSED like whoa, and i got attacked because caylin doesnt have a boyfriend [i maintain that i also do not have a boyfriend, at least right now] and shes lonley, blah blah blah...what was i supposed to do? that was definately a wierd conversation, but whatever. i have a plan, which i will most likely share when things are settled. all that needs to happen is steven needs to stop being an ass, and then things shall be good. but even all that didnt ruin my friday. i dont think anything could, really.

the confusion is basically unjustified and stupid, so i wont even go there.

the rest of the weekend was emotional nonsense. jackie had three games, so i went to those, but basically did nothing. i finished the colored pencil drawing, and it looks absolutely terrible. i hate it. i got an eighty five though, and that was suprising. at least i dont have to work on it anymore. i wrote a kickass poem for english class. and newspaper was good. me and karri just talked about things [trevor and mil, haha. duh.] and laughed alot. tomorrow is layout night, which makes me happy.

love, kaatie

quick, before someone comes home.

no one is home right now except for me and the damn bird. my dad and sister went to hockey practice on the other side of town, and wont be home for another hour and a half. my mother is somewhere around indianapolis for a trace adkins concert. i used to find the fact that she went on these three day concert excursions mortifying, but now its only mildly embarassing. not that i like, tell people though. idk. but anyway, that leaves me here to play music as loudly as i please and draw and get on the computer to tell you all about my day. arent you lucky?

well actually, today was pleasant. spanish went quickly, and it was remarkable, except i had to be partners with ethan for an actividad and it was awkward. but you know me, or maybe not....i stop at nothing to resolve an awkward situation. which basically means i babble endlessly about things that do not matter whatsoever and that makes things even more awkward and soon things go disasterously. anyway. then i had drawing, during me and sean and jessi made a giraffe and a trophy and a tree out of our erasers. it was quite intense. there was also a highly inappropriate conversation across the room about the acid levels in someones moms vajayjay. and mr kilmer was a bit wierded out. but that is typical of carroll art classes, i suppose. its no worse than our convos with mr mcfarren last year about such topics as drugs, parents, rebellion, and relationships. newspaper....oh god. the unmentionable boy heard me and karri talking about mil and he immediately got all pissy. which definately means that he had feelings for me, which is BAD. bad to the twelve thousandth power. bad bad bad timing. like whoa. i honestly have no idea what to do. suggustions would me greatly appreciated. in seventh period, ms ocock assulted us with a suprise test. just grand, right?

basically, things with mil couldnt be better. were gonna go to stephs tomorrow to watch scary movies. and im pumped. because i think that something may happen :D

love, kaatie

who even knows.

OH SNAP. its been too long. i didnt realize how completly dependent on this i am...i really really do need an outlet or else sporatic thoughts bounce around in my head and i cant sleep at night. but im grounded, so posts will be few and far between for the next, well, month. its so very unfortunate that i wont be able to tell the world about my conquests for twenty eight more days...i do rather hate being grounded. it sucks. since like, now that i dont have anything else to do, my teachers have been giving me virtually zero homework. so basically, i sit around and chill. and play tetris on my calculator.

my hair is amazing. absolutely incredible. its short...barely touching my shoulders. its mostly red, with big random peekaboo blonde highlights underneath. very layered, with relatively short side bangs. that can be made into the kind that go straight across. its sweet, especially because short hair can be styled so many ways...its sorta overwhelming, actually, to someone that has never gone beyond the simple mousse, dry, and straighten. its edgy. i feel like it totally captures my personality. and thats what everyone else says. honestly, i think the only person who doesnt like it is ashley prindle. but thats probably because shes hatefully jealous of my bangin bod, talent, brains...taste, style...ability....and about everything else. silly gossiping fool. oh, and my parents. i think. they acted awfully angry for liking my new look. thats why im grounded. because i guess i didnt follow the chemical process restrictions while i was getting my hair done. and i gave them sass. but whatever, at least i have cool hair. allyce said that she just made this style up in her head, which means that no one has it. mission accomplished.

im not sure about the unmentionable boy and his feelings. like, it seemed like it was going somewhere for a while, but i might have imagined that. so im just going to like, see where that goes, but not really pursue it as much. newspaper is mostly filled with talking to karri about emilio these days [emilio was previously nicknamed million, but since were practically talking now, i feel as though his name can be used]. hes adorable and such...not straightlaced at all, but he has a cleancut, preppy style. maybe not my fave, but at least he has style. totally cute. hes the only guy ive ever like that pulls off short hair really well. so im going to see where that goes...weve been spending virtually all free time together at school since we met last thursday night. sitting together at lunch and stuff...and he walks me to all my classes. its cute. i just dont know though...it seems so in reach that it scares me. do i really want to be in love again? has it ever worked out before? the answer is no, for anyone that felt like debating my rhetorical question.

who knows whats going to happen while i cant tell you all about it. its depressing to think about...ill post when i can.
love, kaatie

music hunter, yours truely.

i think that i might have a new interest. not love interest, which might suprise people, since it seems like thats all ive been talking about since zach and i broke up over a month ago. my goodness, it seems like its been way longer than that. but anyway. this is not a post about boys or relationships. because its saturday and i talked to zero boys today. and thought about them only a little bit, i confess. nothing conclusive. BUT ANYWAY.

new interest: well actually old interest, but ive never seriously considered it as a career. but the music industry! my goodness, how cool would it be to work for a record company, like street team or something. or go on tour with bands and work in merch or promotion or something? i seriously think that that would be among the coolest careers ever. i got a taste today, when this band called stealing jane messaged me on purevolume. i gave them a listen, and really liked them. so then the guy, bryce, asked me if i had friends that would be interested [of course i do, and those friends are also avid name droppers. so even better]. i told him yes, and then thought of something else...podcasts! i never got a response from FBR on the friday night boys [im not sure how i feel about that] so i havent done a music review yet. but i figured that an unsigned band like SJ would love to be featured on something like that, to get their music out. so i asked him, and he was like YES PLEASE DO, which made me feel ultracool and super excited to be on the charger staff. i sent him a couple questions, and hes gonna send me some background info and some unreleased tracks to listen to and play in the podcast...whoa its intense. wouldnt it be intense to make a name for myself as an online band promoter? i do love finding bands with new sound that beg for a fan base...its all i can do to help them out. its my new quest.

epic haircut is tomorrow. tonight, i go to caylins to chill and whatnot. it shall be enjoyable as always, im sure. man oh man, life is good right now.

love, kaatie
[buy stealing jane's album on cdbaby or itunes!]

sneak attack.

you know that you're a complete loser nerd when you sit around and play games on your calculator in sweats at nine pm on friday night. yes, i qualify. but i think i needed a night to just sit around and chill. i went out last night, so i guess it might be alright. and i have that stupid art project to finish. but every time i start working on it, i just get mad and quit because it sucks and i just want to light it on fire. mr kilmer said that my portrait is good enough to win an award in the scholastic art competition after christmas break, so id much rather be working on that than a stupid piece that i actually AM going to light on fire after its graded. because i probably wont get higher than a B on it anyway. so whats the point? well, by now, im at the point where im just kinda coloring it. i officially do not give a damn anymore.

i hate when you think you know how you feel about something/someone, and then you do a suprise attack on yourself. you're just bopping along, being, say, lovesick over someone, and things are going great. then WHAM out of nowhere! comes someone else. and then you cant even decide what to do! like, the unmentionable boy was all i could think until i started talking to this new fellow [codename, million. just go with it. when i figure this out, ill let you know his real name and it will all make sense.] it was like, so wierd, too. because i just met him like yesterday. but he told karri that hes totally into me. and he sounds completely adorable, from what ive heard. soo. yknow. im just a little like, confuzled right now...

like whoa, im tired. i think im going to go to sleep, and maybe tomorrow do some serious thinking. and some serious golfing, with my daddy. then some serious saturday night churching, then to caylins! to get my hair did! im sooo excited. you dont even know.

love, kaatie

general school day, with flirtation.

school was fast today, and i dont really know what else. in newspaper, i spent a great deal of time talking to the unmentionable boy and dustin, the business manager. it might be silly, but talking to such persona, them both being seniors, makes me feel kinda special. well, flirting with the unmentionable boy is always exhilirating. especially since he flirts back :] humm...dustin from newspaper is kinda creepy. im not sure that i like him that much, as far as newspaper friendships go. he makes comments that make he think that he likes me, which will be really wierd if i go out with the unmentionable boy. but oh well. i was looking at some old pictures of him on facebook, from when he was a sophmore. he was actually really cute then! so im like, uhhmm...what happened? i really like last day of the production cycle thursdays, which mean a full block period of just walking around and talking to people. wandering the school, if i wish. not that i want to leave the pub room. but you know.

i went to the school play, and it was quite adorable. i was with karri, and one of her other friends, and her stepbrother, whose in my grade. i was a little suprised when i talked to him, because hes like, reallyreally nice and such. and idk. nice. thats really all that happened.

love, kaatie

fast times

lets see. today flew by, even though today is wednesday and i hate wednesday. my tests were easy enough, i suppose. i pretty much just played tetris on my calculator all day, which was amusing. the unmentionable boy [kudos to janna on the code name!] said hi to me TWICE in the halls, even though we didnt have a class together today. it was pretty intense. steven and i are having a...situation, if you will. im not so sure that i like it, but then again, i cant seem to get it off my mind. so there you have it. i guess somewhere in my twisted, manipulative little brain, there are some unknown feelings for steven. they can stay locked away in their dusty corner thought, because ill have none of that. he WAY isnt my type. my type is hipster, fashionable, busy, smart, talented. steven is none of those.

after school me and my mom and jackie went to the vera bradley sale preview at the coliseum. there was no fights, because apparently the people who buy tickets [like my mom and myself, because we are terrible about these events, who managed to walk out with $250 plus worth of bags] are more cultured. i did see a fight once, and it was probably the best experiance of my life. two women were like beating eachother for a messenger bag. THE LAST ONE. ohh man. but anyway. i kinda hate vera bradley, but i found this one bag in this one color that might be kinda kitsch. possibly. but whatever. the sale is fun, like a secert agent mission with a giant pink shopping bag among rows and rows of stacks of bags. there was an oddly large number of males working there, but they were actually like, really hot. i was impressed. i purchased three adorable golf gloves, a cargo sling, a change/ID wallet thing, and another zippy type article, all in a color called mod floral.

love, kaatie

qualms.

this emotional business is getting a little bit old for me. i feel stressed and frazzled even though nothing is really going on right now. at least the newspaper deadline was yesterday, so ill be doing nothing in fifth period on thursday. i guess i do have a huge fashion test tomorrow and quizzes in chemistry and algebra 2...damn, thats every class tomorrow. oh well? at least i get to sleep in, i suppose. layout night was boring beyond belief because that one kid that im absolutely head over heels for [i really should come up with a code name for him... :D] had to work, so he didnt go. so i was the sophomore slave, running around and helping other people do their work and such. in the end, it made for an satisfying couple hours because it felt like working for a real publication. kindof like interning, since im a staffer. i ate about twelve brownies, which didnt help me feel any less bloated but were chocolately and delicious. add me on purevolume, because i set up my profile while i was there. its CATASTROPHIK_KAATIE. i cant wait to see how many of you silly geese set up accounts because i have one. because im a trendsetter like that.

hmm, what else. im about to get the most epic haircut/dyejob EVER. its going to be totally amazing, significantly less tame, and quite a bit more edgy than anything ive ever had before. i feel like i need a change like that, something that matches my personality. because brown with red tint, caramel highlights, side swept bangs, and long layers are a little too boring for my taste right now. i need intense change. and that change will be taking place either on saturday night or sunday. so check out my new profile pic at that time. im pumped. i watched the new episode of the hills a little while ago, because i am completely addicted to that show. brody is being amazing, like always. im in love with him, even if LC isnt. im about to get games for my TI 84 graphic calculator, so while im sitting there in smart kid math feeling dumb, i can play intense games of tetris.

love, kaatie

epic discovery.

well, yesterday was probably the best day of my life, NOT even kidding. wanna know why? well ill tell ya! yesterday, i discovered that there is actually a word for that certain type of person i hate. im sure ive mentioned it to you before...the kind of person that pretends to be into the music/fashion/art industry because they think it makes them look cultured, pretends to have opinions on politics/issues/other things that they really could care less about, pretends to be edgy and cool. i have the er, the pleasure of knowing several of these creatures, titled pseudo-intellectuals. urbandictionary that shit. it made me laugh for like ten minutes straight. probably because i know a person or two who fit the bill perfectly.

i am officially losing my mind. earlier i was sitting at my computer, thinking crazy thoughts about zach and wondering if he still wonders about me like i still wonder about him. i found his page on facebook [i defriended him, if you didnt read that entry like three weeks ago] and my cursor was over the friend request button. and then i thought to myself: WHAT are you DOING!? i seriously dont know what i was thinking. and like on saturday, i was tempted to just like, clear things up with taylor. why, i have know idea. not like i want to be her friend or anything. because really, i have a deep hate in my soul for that girl. hmm...im still ridiculously head over heels for that boy in my newspaper class. tomorrow is layout night, and that means a couple of hours after school during which all the newspaper kids are forced to stay and do nothing! aka, t time, as me and karri decided it should be called. i kinda hope that that goes somewhere soon, because i really really hate all of this nonverbal shit. mm, but hes worth the wait :]

love, kaatie

repeat cycle.

wow, my last post was probably the worst one yet. last night wasnt really a good night. ive been feeling a little depressed and kinda lonely lately. last night was just super bad. i havent really talked to ken for a few days, and i dont know what else is wrong with me. its bad though, and i dont like it even a little bit. it feels like this is always going to go on, even though i know it wont. because things like this never last. eventually ill be going out with someone and then ill feel loved and warm and safe. ill be happy, if hes nice to me that day. then it will eventually end and ill come crashing down, probably dangerously hard. repeat cycle. isnt it funny how that affects my mood so much? i dont think so at all.

my computer is running so slow today. its really pissing me off. but anyway- the regional was this afternoon. we shot the same as last weekend, and got fifth. we didnt make it to state, which is ok with me i suppose, but im disappointed. everyone was a little bit, except ash, because she wont the whole freaking tournament. i had the same split as last weekend, which torked me off a little bit. i left so many on the back, it wasnt even funny. but oh well, what can you do? next year were gonna be killer, since we arent losing any varsity golfers and were gonna practice as a team all winter. and i might be quitting softball...more on that later though. hmm. i dont really know what else i can say about today, haha all i really did was golf. i have to write my editorial and my article for tomorrow, which is basically going to suck. and the colored pencil drawing...ugh. a busy sunday. my favorite?

love, kaatie

emotionless.

today was basically uneventful. i played eighteen at cobblestone, then went to autumn ridge and hit on the range and chipped for a long time. it was kinda relaxing, and i think ill do fine tomorrow. even though cobblestone is kinda narrow, i think im going to do fine. i didnt get to talk to anyone really today, so i dont really have that much to post about.

i feel quite apathetic tonight. i dont know why. things with steven have me so confused...last night was probably one of my worst in a while. i really really like that one kid.

love, kaatie

dont worry about me, im just here.

ok so, heres the dish. i dont want to get off the computer because im emotional as hell. i just watched all of season 4 of the hills thus far, and i really got into it. like, i wanted to cry for LC like every five minutes. shes so strong. i dont care if its real or not. her character goes through so much, and since im constantly up in the air with all of my friends i know kinda what shes feeling. its hard to trust anyone when things are like that. and in fact, i dont really trust anyone. i feel like theres people that i talk to, but they'll probably just come and go in waves like people always do. its just stupid, and i dont like it. i wish that i had a solid crew that i ran around with and always chilled with, but thats not what ive set myself up for. i want to start over, and have a new group of friends that fits who i really am. i think that ive changed a lot since...well i dont really know when this changing took place but it did. and i cant deny it. what it comes down it is pathetic: im so lonely because i really dont have good friends right now.

so lonely, in fact, that i called the one person i knew would always love me no matter what: steven. i want to talk to him so badly right now, which is waay confusing, since ive been looking at someones facebook pictures for like an hour. im such a creeper, but im obsessed, alright? i need some interaction, but ken is like, grounded or something, stevens phone is off...and i dont even know who of the girls i would call. so goofy. im parched, but i dont want to move. and im getting a little sleepy, which means ill fall right to sleep and then wake up in what feels like five minutes and itll be time to go golfing. thats what i need right now: nothing bad for me. just a little bit of peace and a lot of sleep. i just wish i knew what was bad and what was good for me, so i could be sure to avoid the things that make me feel this way.

love, kaatie

i need help.

so someone needs to help me understand this concept of this...of open relationships. because i think im going to find myself in one pretty soon. i think that its totally okay, dont get me wrong. ken is amazing, and i think im in love with him, or at least i could love him if he lived close enough that we could be together easily. i really really wish that i could be with him. and i would do just about anything to just be near to him. i havent given up on him and i never will. i dont think that i could. but obviously, chicago is way far away...and theres someone i see everyday that i really can see myself with, and really like. so what am i to do? my my my. if you have advice, lemme know. please.

today was chill. i interviewed an extremely hot kid named jake thats a musician as well as a senior. and he gave me his cell number at the end of the interview, in case i had any more questions. hmm...yeah, only about a thousand. first of which is: will you marry me? not really, but man. and this stoner kid in my drawing class, chris meyers thinks that im hot, i guess. or at least thats what he told bri. hes not too bad himself...he has really cool hair. dreadlocks. i dont know what it is about lately, but i just have a few too many boys hanging around. i just dont know what to do with them all. and its all at once, too. theres that unnamable person and ken. and steven. its a little too much for me right now. but it makes school super interesting, and im not gonna say that i dont enjoy the attention. things are going well right now.

then theres golf. we had another team dinner, which was basically us just cracking up for about three hours straight. we were looking through a yearbook and whatnot, and it was intensely amazing. i really do love them. except maybe goblah. but yknow. the regional is on saturday, and im nervous. but i dont know. hopefully things will go good and well go on to state. that would be amazing! so im going to play tomorrow with dad and velpel and her dad, and its about to be hilarious.

so im going to bed, because its an early morning tomorrow. ugh. like usual.
love, kaatie

the unanswerable question of femininity.

it is at times like these that i ask myself a question that can not be answered with a statement or even a soliloquy. the question is: WHY the fuck do you put yourself in these situations? readers, fans, friends, stalkers and ex flames might be having the same thought: here we go again. but honestly, i would like someone to help me out! i dont like my little emotional roller coaster. i actually absolutely hate it. all of this crushing and liking people and then not liking them and being mad or creeped out...its stupid and it needs to not happen anymore. i think that im lonely and am the kind of person that likes the security and challenge of being in a relationship, but its kinda obvious that im not the the point where i can hold one down for a respectable amount of time. either im too mature [not likely] or im a very subtle type of immature that results in me just acting way to cool to be a teenager without any idea of how to be in a relationship or function in the real world [very likely]. im too picky, also. that might be part of my problem. the other part of my problem is that I AM QUITE OBSESSED WITH THIS NEW CRUSH thats in my fifth period. i can see us together and so can sarah. but that never works, and the friendship is left in shambles. what am i to do? it kinda seems to me like our 'relationship' [my crush and my relationship, that is] is headed out of friendville very quickly based on the amount of random conversations that he initiates [good sign! :D]. im not sure if im ready for that.

ah. ok. now that thats out there. today was pretty boring. i texted all day and did basically nothing, except in fashion ms mulligan talked about the advanced fashion course at carroll and it basically sounds like the most exciting thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. so im pumped for that. in homeroom i audited a religious debate between a questioning christian, a reform jew, an agnostic, and a hardcore lutheran. needless to say, homeroom is about to be the best 30 minutes of the week. i practiced really well at golf...i was hitting my irons so well and super straight. and my putting is very much improved. my goal for this weekend [the regional tournament!] is to shoot an 87 or lower. thats a 46 41 split, and thats very achievable. im so excited, and nervous at the same time. i hope that this goes well and we make it to state. i really really do.

im about to go work on my colored pencil drawing that im absolutely sick to death of, but ill probably come back and vent again. jeez. i cant believe that i get sucked into this all the time. maybe ill become a cat lady...except i hate cats.
love, kaatie

what sarah said.

well today was interesting on a couple levels. for one, i decided that i had to tell people about my crush on that one guy in that one class that is my favorite between chemistry and fashion. i told karri, who thought it was super cute, and sarah, who said that it wasnt out of reach at all. that part made my day, possibly my week. i decided that i was actually going to go for it, even though he seems so out of reach. sarah's known him for a while and if she thinks so...well i dont know. sarah is wise in many subjects. and i told caylin, who was just like, ok. i told steven, because hes my bestie and all. and he like, flipped out! hes telling me right now how he would do anything to get me back and how hes changed and how it would be a lot better than the last time that we dated, which i dont even believe a little bit. i mean, sometimes its like i have some feelings for him, but i really dont think so. i just think its the way i can tell him anything that makes me want to subconciously like him. but i conciously like that one guy. my god, it makes my heart beat fast when he comes over and talks to me. and i can totally see myself with someone like him. also today, i found out that ethan thinks that me and steven are together, which i find somewhat hilarious. but mission accomplished.

love, kaatie