in the moment, not ahead of it.

its the afternoon, i think. well almost. noonish. but im super tired. mother dearest made me get up at ten to help her clean up for her party tonight. i dont mind, really, except for the fact that i didnt get to sleep until aproximately five in the morning. it was dumb, admittedly, but i needed something to occupy my mind. i was texting tevyn, aka lucifer, aka 666 since thats easier to spell than lucifer, according to karri. And i think that ive got this whole situation under control now. believe it or not, we most talked it out. and i discovered that in essence, we think the same way, down to fears and whatnot. he acts cocky and confident. so do i. apparently, unless he's bullshitting me, hes afraid of putting himself into a relationship just to be tossed to the side when is all said and done. and lord knows how i feel about putting myself in that vulnerable place. god, its like he reads my mind. and then of course, i say something thats just a little too far, and way out of my comfort zone, and its terrifying because i know that i have the potential to turn something that could be good into something very bad REALLY quick. he said that im perfect for him, but it would end badly. which i understand better than he probably knows. its like zach all over, but in a more intellegent, and well, more real form. at least im learning to master my emotions through all of this. he also, apparently, doesnt want me to make things bad for mil. he said he knows what that feels like [so do i!]. it makes me think of what ethan told mil when he said that he didnt want any games with me. ethan had it right: thats all i ever do.

is it totally wierd that i know that i do all of this stuff? i feel like im evaluating someone else, instead of actually living this. its strange and all, but i dont want it to stop. which probably isnt fair and definately isnt how things are supposed to work, i know that. i logically cannot have mil and tevyn at the same time. it would probably fuck up the world order, like when brutus kills caesar and the world falls to pieces. no, im going to have to concentrate on living in the moment.. im starting to realize that i have something good. but anyways. tonight is that party, and then my parents and their friends will be taking the fun bus to other locations for the night. and steven's going to come over to watch monty python with me, and other fun nefarious activities. i guess you could say that we made up. i didnt chew him out like i wanted to. actually, i gave him the silent treatment, and true to form, 24 hours of unanswered texts later, he was begging for forgiveness. which i dont mind so much. at least i got that much from him. so im going to shower now, and do other fun things. life is good.

love, kaatie