qualms.

this emotional business is getting a little bit old for me. i feel stressed and frazzled even though nothing is really going on right now. at least the newspaper deadline was yesterday, so ill be doing nothing in fifth period on thursday. i guess i do have a huge fashion test tomorrow and quizzes in chemistry and algebra 2...damn, thats every class tomorrow. oh well? at least i get to sleep in, i suppose. layout night was boring beyond belief because that one kid that im absolutely head over heels for [i really should come up with a code name for him... :D] had to work, so he didnt go. so i was the sophomore slave, running around and helping other people do their work and such. in the end, it made for an satisfying couple hours because it felt like working for a real publication. kindof like interning, since im a staffer. i ate about twelve brownies, which didnt help me feel any less bloated but were chocolately and delicious. add me on purevolume, because i set up my profile while i was there. its CATASTROPHIK_KAATIE. i cant wait to see how many of you silly geese set up accounts because i have one. because im a trendsetter like that.

hmm, what else. im about to get the most epic haircut/dyejob EVER. its going to be totally amazing, significantly less tame, and quite a bit more edgy than anything ive ever had before. i feel like i need a change like that, something that matches my personality. because brown with red tint, caramel highlights, side swept bangs, and long layers are a little too boring for my taste right now. i need intense change. and that change will be taking place either on saturday night or sunday. so check out my new profile pic at that time. im pumped. i watched the new episode of the hills a little while ago, because i am completely addicted to that show. brody is being amazing, like always. im in love with him, even if LC isnt. im about to get games for my TI 84 graphic calculator, so while im sitting there in smart kid math feeling dumb, i can play intense games of tetris.

love, kaatie

epic discovery.

well, yesterday was probably the best day of my life, NOT even kidding. wanna know why? well ill tell ya! yesterday, i discovered that there is actually a word for that certain type of person i hate. im sure ive mentioned it to you before...the kind of person that pretends to be into the music/fashion/art industry because they think it makes them look cultured, pretends to have opinions on politics/issues/other things that they really could care less about, pretends to be edgy and cool. i have the er, the pleasure of knowing several of these creatures, titled pseudo-intellectuals. urbandictionary that shit. it made me laugh for like ten minutes straight. probably because i know a person or two who fit the bill perfectly.

i am officially losing my mind. earlier i was sitting at my computer, thinking crazy thoughts about zach and wondering if he still wonders about me like i still wonder about him. i found his page on facebook [i defriended him, if you didnt read that entry like three weeks ago] and my cursor was over the friend request button. and then i thought to myself: WHAT are you DOING!? i seriously dont know what i was thinking. and like on saturday, i was tempted to just like, clear things up with taylor. why, i have know idea. not like i want to be her friend or anything. because really, i have a deep hate in my soul for that girl. hmm...im still ridiculously head over heels for that boy in my newspaper class. tomorrow is layout night, and that means a couple of hours after school during which all the newspaper kids are forced to stay and do nothing! aka, t time, as me and karri decided it should be called. i kinda hope that that goes somewhere soon, because i really really hate all of this nonverbal shit. mm, but hes worth the wait :]

love, kaatie

repeat cycle.

wow, my last post was probably the worst one yet. last night wasnt really a good night. ive been feeling a little depressed and kinda lonely lately. last night was just super bad. i havent really talked to ken for a few days, and i dont know what else is wrong with me. its bad though, and i dont like it even a little bit. it feels like this is always going to go on, even though i know it wont. because things like this never last. eventually ill be going out with someone and then ill feel loved and warm and safe. ill be happy, if hes nice to me that day. then it will eventually end and ill come crashing down, probably dangerously hard. repeat cycle. isnt it funny how that affects my mood so much? i dont think so at all.

my computer is running so slow today. its really pissing me off. but anyway- the regional was this afternoon. we shot the same as last weekend, and got fifth. we didnt make it to state, which is ok with me i suppose, but im disappointed. everyone was a little bit, except ash, because she wont the whole freaking tournament. i had the same split as last weekend, which torked me off a little bit. i left so many on the back, it wasnt even funny. but oh well, what can you do? next year were gonna be killer, since we arent losing any varsity golfers and were gonna practice as a team all winter. and i might be quitting softball...more on that later though. hmm. i dont really know what else i can say about today, haha all i really did was golf. i have to write my editorial and my article for tomorrow, which is basically going to suck. and the colored pencil drawing...ugh. a busy sunday. my favorite?

love, kaatie

emotionless.

today was basically uneventful. i played eighteen at cobblestone, then went to autumn ridge and hit on the range and chipped for a long time. it was kinda relaxing, and i think ill do fine tomorrow. even though cobblestone is kinda narrow, i think im going to do fine. i didnt get to talk to anyone really today, so i dont really have that much to post about.

i feel quite apathetic tonight. i dont know why. things with steven have me so confused...last night was probably one of my worst in a while. i really really like that one kid.

love, kaatie

dont worry about me, im just here.

ok so, heres the dish. i dont want to get off the computer because im emotional as hell. i just watched all of season 4 of the hills thus far, and i really got into it. like, i wanted to cry for LC like every five minutes. shes so strong. i dont care if its real or not. her character goes through so much, and since im constantly up in the air with all of my friends i know kinda what shes feeling. its hard to trust anyone when things are like that. and in fact, i dont really trust anyone. i feel like theres people that i talk to, but they'll probably just come and go in waves like people always do. its just stupid, and i dont like it. i wish that i had a solid crew that i ran around with and always chilled with, but thats not what ive set myself up for. i want to start over, and have a new group of friends that fits who i really am. i think that ive changed a lot since...well i dont really know when this changing took place but it did. and i cant deny it. what it comes down it is pathetic: im so lonely because i really dont have good friends right now.

so lonely, in fact, that i called the one person i knew would always love me no matter what: steven. i want to talk to him so badly right now, which is waay confusing, since ive been looking at someones facebook pictures for like an hour. im such a creeper, but im obsessed, alright? i need some interaction, but ken is like, grounded or something, stevens phone is off...and i dont even know who of the girls i would call. so goofy. im parched, but i dont want to move. and im getting a little sleepy, which means ill fall right to sleep and then wake up in what feels like five minutes and itll be time to go golfing. thats what i need right now: nothing bad for me. just a little bit of peace and a lot of sleep. i just wish i knew what was bad and what was good for me, so i could be sure to avoid the things that make me feel this way.

love, kaatie

i need help.

so someone needs to help me understand this concept of this...of open relationships. because i think im going to find myself in one pretty soon. i think that its totally okay, dont get me wrong. ken is amazing, and i think im in love with him, or at least i could love him if he lived close enough that we could be together easily. i really really wish that i could be with him. and i would do just about anything to just be near to him. i havent given up on him and i never will. i dont think that i could. but obviously, chicago is way far away...and theres someone i see everyday that i really can see myself with, and really like. so what am i to do? my my my. if you have advice, lemme know. please.

today was chill. i interviewed an extremely hot kid named jake thats a musician as well as a senior. and he gave me his cell number at the end of the interview, in case i had any more questions. hmm...yeah, only about a thousand. first of which is: will you marry me? not really, but man. and this stoner kid in my drawing class, chris meyers thinks that im hot, i guess. or at least thats what he told bri. hes not too bad himself...he has really cool hair. dreadlocks. i dont know what it is about lately, but i just have a few too many boys hanging around. i just dont know what to do with them all. and its all at once, too. theres that unnamable person and ken. and steven. its a little too much for me right now. but it makes school super interesting, and im not gonna say that i dont enjoy the attention. things are going well right now.

then theres golf. we had another team dinner, which was basically us just cracking up for about three hours straight. we were looking through a yearbook and whatnot, and it was intensely amazing. i really do love them. except maybe goblah. but yknow. the regional is on saturday, and im nervous. but i dont know. hopefully things will go good and well go on to state. that would be amazing! so im going to play tomorrow with dad and velpel and her dad, and its about to be hilarious.

so im going to bed, because its an early morning tomorrow. ugh. like usual.
love, kaatie

the unanswerable question of femininity.

it is at times like these that i ask myself a question that can not be answered with a statement or even a soliloquy. the question is: WHY the fuck do you put yourself in these situations? readers, fans, friends, stalkers and ex flames might be having the same thought: here we go again. but honestly, i would like someone to help me out! i dont like my little emotional roller coaster. i actually absolutely hate it. all of this crushing and liking people and then not liking them and being mad or creeped out...its stupid and it needs to not happen anymore. i think that im lonely and am the kind of person that likes the security and challenge of being in a relationship, but its kinda obvious that im not the the point where i can hold one down for a respectable amount of time. either im too mature [not likely] or im a very subtle type of immature that results in me just acting way to cool to be a teenager without any idea of how to be in a relationship or function in the real world [very likely]. im too picky, also. that might be part of my problem. the other part of my problem is that I AM QUITE OBSESSED WITH THIS NEW CRUSH thats in my fifth period. i can see us together and so can sarah. but that never works, and the friendship is left in shambles. what am i to do? it kinda seems to me like our 'relationship' [my crush and my relationship, that is] is headed out of friendville very quickly based on the amount of random conversations that he initiates [good sign! :D]. im not sure if im ready for that.

ah. ok. now that thats out there. today was pretty boring. i texted all day and did basically nothing, except in fashion ms mulligan talked about the advanced fashion course at carroll and it basically sounds like the most exciting thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. so im pumped for that. in homeroom i audited a religious debate between a questioning christian, a reform jew, an agnostic, and a hardcore lutheran. needless to say, homeroom is about to be the best 30 minutes of the week. i practiced really well at golf...i was hitting my irons so well and super straight. and my putting is very much improved. my goal for this weekend [the regional tournament!] is to shoot an 87 or lower. thats a 46 41 split, and thats very achievable. im so excited, and nervous at the same time. i hope that this goes well and we make it to state. i really really do.

im about to go work on my colored pencil drawing that im absolutely sick to death of, but ill probably come back and vent again. jeez. i cant believe that i get sucked into this all the time. maybe ill become a cat lady...except i hate cats.
love, kaatie

what sarah said.

well today was interesting on a couple levels. for one, i decided that i had to tell people about my crush on that one guy in that one class that is my favorite between chemistry and fashion. i told karri, who thought it was super cute, and sarah, who said that it wasnt out of reach at all. that part made my day, possibly my week. i decided that i was actually going to go for it, even though he seems so out of reach. sarah's known him for a while and if she thinks so...well i dont know. sarah is wise in many subjects. and i told caylin, who was just like, ok. i told steven, because hes my bestie and all. and he like, flipped out! hes telling me right now how he would do anything to get me back and how hes changed and how it would be a lot better than the last time that we dated, which i dont even believe a little bit. i mean, sometimes its like i have some feelings for him, but i really dont think so. i just think its the way i can tell him anything that makes me want to subconciously like him. but i conciously like that one guy. my god, it makes my heart beat fast when he comes over and talks to me. and i can totally see myself with someone like him. also today, i found out that ethan thinks that me and steven are together, which i find somewhat hilarious. but mission accomplished.

love, kaatie

regional bound!

Blogs of note. I was reading the one from september 12th, and i saw that each post about random nothing in a random 27 year old girls life, and that each one had about a hundred comments on every post. and i had a wierd jealous response. it was crazy: i was like, kinda angry that people care about her life and im just here in indiana struggling to keep my individuality and sanity day after day. and she has like eight hundred followers. while i have 2. and then i thought something interesting. a week ago, she was nobody, just like me. so maybe theres hope, even though my blog features the excitement of indiana. well, yeah. you know...im not that special.

but why am i talking about my emotional responses to people that have things that i want when i have amazing new to tell?! THE LADY CHARGERS GOLF TEAM QUALIFIED FOR REGIONALS! yes. its been so long since we've done that that the school doesnt even have a record of it. we shot 355...i shot a 91. my game was definately on yesterday, and i made some stupid mistakes that could have taken off even more strokes. a 91 is good for me, and im pleased, no lie. but i mean, it was the difference between us getting second and beating leo when i took a 7 on a par 3. frustrating. i did totally drain a 20 footer on the last green with a whole crowd of people watching, and that was quite a rush. my goodness, im so excited. and then we tped the coaches to celebrate. oh, how i do love the golf team. OH and our score would have beat homestead, who won their sectional with a 368. and guess who shot a 91 also! taylor, their number one player. god, that was pretty great. i tied her even though i left like 7 strokes on the course. it was a good day.

me and steph went to coffee cafe to see taylor [fredricks] play some guitar. we had an adventure on the way there, and ended up on [DONT LAUGH] pontiac street. for those of you that dont know, like ninty percent of fort wayne shootings occur on pontiac street. it was SO scary. but we got there eventually and taylor was sexylicious and sounded amazing. :D

later. i have homework and then golf!
love, kaatie

my mind works in interesting ways.

well, carroll LOST its HOMECOMING GAME for the SECOND year in a ROW. wow. i just wanted to point out why thats so embarassing. i wish i went somewhere else. i dont know where exactly, but carrolls pretty lame. my dad mentioned something about moving to maryland the other day. and that sounds pretty amazing right now, no lie. a fresh start would be nice. i just have way too much going on right now to deal with to be content. i feel a little antsy and very nostalgic. its kinda lame, how little things make me feel insanely sad, or how big things [well, big things that happen to other people] have no effect on me whatsoever. its like, no one cares about my problems, so i have to focus on not like, freaking out all the time, and that means i cant focus on being other peoples therapist all the time like i used to. and then they all get super pissy and so on and so forth, blah blah blah, it creates drama. i dont know. im just not a compassionate person right now. i wont detail because i dont really want to think about some things that were said to me tonight at the game. i really dont want to get back on and read what im thinking right now. i just want it to be buried, like so many other painful things. that reminds me of an amy tan quote.

music is keeping me going right now. and newspaper class, which if i wasnt so busy, i would allow to consume my life. unfortunately for me, i have a HUGE crush on someone in that class that i havent mentioned on this. its unfortunate because im currently on my single quest right now. and because i have absolutely NO shot in the world, probably because hes super smart and funny and cute [smokin!] and talented anddd...my god. now hes someone i would date in a heartbeat. im not sure i want to tell anyone about this, like out loud in a confessional sort of way. because that would make it too real for me. hopefully this is going to pass. and soon. but ohhh god. i kinda cant stop thinking about it...and how he initiated conversation twice today. and yesterday. and the day before that. who even knows. my mind works in strange ways.

golf sectionals are tomorrow and i really dont know how i feel about that.
love, kaatie

confusion.

im going to go to bed early tonight, because im going to ride the bus to school in the morning. which sucks, and i hate, but i have things to do tomorrow. i have to clean my locker, and then theres the pep session before school. and i kinda wanna spend some time with steven. and im not exactly sure why. this whole thing with him is confusing to me, but i kinda do like it. im struggling, internally. i think i might just be able to ward off any urges to be anything more than FWB with him for like a week. aka pretend boyfriend for a while, and then move on to my singleness. who needs boys anyway?

homecoming is tomorrow and im decking out in the charger blue and white. whooo....? im so effing glad that those sashes are done. i was like, freaking out. but now its out of my hands, and thats a HUGE relief. its a little pathetic, but im skipping powderpuff to practice at autumn ridge before the football game. sectionals are on satuday and im nervous as HELL. we have a shot at the regional as a team and i dont want to blow it for the team. but who knows, i guess. today i was kinda nostalgic, and i dont know why. and ive been really pissy for the past few days. i think im just a little [LOT] stressed. i hope thats about to end..not likely.

bedtime!
love, kaatie

three things were finished today.

im alot less stressed today because of my accomplishments of the day.

ok, well i finally finished the sashes AND took my reference photos for art class...i knocked out two major looming tasks in one day. yay for me. i dont know about the sashes though. i hope on one hates them...or hates me for making them. i think that they look cool, but that might just be me. who knows...i guess if im going to be a famous fashion designer, ill have to gather some confidence. but i shall do that by wearing my own creations...making the sashes for the homecoming king and queen probably was not the smartest jumping off point in my design career. but everyone has to start somewhere, right?

i admire coco chanel very much, if the lifetime movie is actually being straight up about her life. she was so strong, so confident...it takes alot to go against the social norms to do what you really want to do. i think she just earned herself a place among my favorite women in history, besides audrey hepburn and marilyn monroe and louise nevelson. i give her credit for my new favorite quote, and we all know how i feel about quotes. well, maybe you dont. i love them, absolutely. more can be said in a quote, or a line in a song than prose can ever say. for me, music is about fifty percent about what the band sounds like, but then fourty nine percent what they actually say in their songs. and about one percent what they look like, because you cant go around supporting a band of really ugly guys. i cant think of a band where all four or five members is disgusting - OH WAIT yes i can. relient k. their singer is especially disgusting.

today was a good day. istep, then i spent a majority of newspaper scouring purevolume for bands to check out. i ended up finding like six and downloaded a hundred new songs after school. then in fashion, more of the coco chanel movie. english was....english, typical boring miss ocock being annoying. there wasnt even any innuendos to laugh at today. golf was boring too...then i came home and sewed. that was basically my day.

things with ethan are OVER and me and steven are in love! ahahahaha :D
love, kaatie

"To be irreplacable, one must always be different."
-Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

for my friends and ememies.

humm...i wasnt in the mood yesterday. so i posted nothing. i still dont think im in the mood, but ill bust something out. i feel a sense of duty to my fans. haha, fans...yeah right. friends and enemies, more like.

istep testing started today at school, and therefore i did absolutely nothing. well, thats kindof a lie. i took four tests this morning, then went to newspaper and did my first podcast with karri, then went to fashion and watched an amazing movie about coco chanel, and then went to english and passed notes with jacob and megan about the poetic orgasm in some futuristic ecology mumbo jumbo. i have no idea what ocock was talking about because i was paying basically no attention. as usual. its a little dissapointing that my favorite subject is so boring...well, the learning part is boring. that class is kinda halarious. megan and jacob keep things lively. and velpel is in that class. so its all good. lets see...then i had a quite awkward conversation with ethan after school which basically consisted of him trying to understand golf team insiders. then practice...we did pushups because we all suck at putting. which made us angry. then we cracked up for like 3 hours straight at ash's house for the team dinner. it was kinda intense. were gonna tp the coaches this saturday, and all wear different shirts for the match on thursday. itll be pretty funny. the rest of my week is gonna be great: tomorrow, nothing but tests. thursday, match against snider and more istep. friday, the charger comes out and the homecoming game, saturday, sectionals, coffee cafe with steph and karri, then the team sleepover/tping the coaches. and hopefully partying because were going to regionals. ahhh, im so excited. i decorated my homecoming t and its super cute.

the highlight of my day was talking to ken, not gonna lie :] thats about all i got for ya. and whoever the anynomous comment was from: yes, check my facebook. or comment again if you cant.
love, kaatie

good weekend, considering the epic battles of friday.

today was long, and lazy. i labored at my sewing machine ALL day, not even kidding, to make the homecoming sashes. and in reality, only finished one. but i guess all i have to do for the other is handstitch the letters AND the trim...tie the bow....my god. this is a hell of a project. i better get at least a little bit of compensation. maybe a picture in the yearbook? actually, if they said my name over the PA at homecoming, as the sash designer, i would be pleased. but i will likely get no recognition. which sucks.

i was supposed to shoot my self portraits this weekend, but didnt have any time because of the sashes and conference and my journalism adventure with karri. but when i get everything else out of the way, ill take pictures. and mr kilmer can choose one then. conference, by the way, went alright. i played TERRIBLE on the front nine, but managed to get things under control on the back to shoot a 99. we got fifth. out of eight. oh well, what really matters is the sectional, and thats next weekend. it shall be good, i think. i love zollner.

journalism adventure: while i was polling for my article about things to do in fort wayne, someone told me that there was a really tight coffee shop in georgetown. so me and karri were like, lets go check it out! well, the kid couldnt remember the name, so we just kinda went to a coffee shop in georgetown called Coffee Cafe. and it was like, the tightest place ever. they have the most delish panda frappes, live music all the time, and a really hot kid that works there. it might just have to be my new favorite hangout :]]] and the owner said that she'd advertize! which means that i only have to get one more ad to complete the assignment. whooo. so that was super exciting. i hope this manager for the friday night boys emails me back soon, because i really dont want to write another podcast. and because that would make me feel cool. i guess. ahaha.

things with ethan are starting to just get annoying. i hate drama. and im starting to feel a little stressed, but thats life...istep is this week, which means alot of sitting around and doing nothing. perfect for relaxing.
love, kaatie

hurdles.

tonight, i feel a little bit inspired. and i have absolutely no idea why. inspired to do what? i dont have any clue about that either. i feel like doing something powerful...maybe thats the feeling. empowered. i can make anything i want happen. anything at all. it might take time, and it might hurt people and myself a little along the way, but thats life, i guess. the road to happiness, and the hurdles along the way. my life is full of tiny, frequent hurdles. they are the occurances that define my days but also shape who i am, and what i can handle.

tomorrow is the conference tournament. i will shoot better than a ninty, because i know that i can. i can feel it. this is going to be big. im working on the sashes for homecoming, and people will see them and hear that i made them and be like, whoa, thats tight. i will design for a living. i will. i can. i want to. it doesnt matter what happens between now and the time that i move out. ken and i will be together. we both know it. the only thing that can stop us is ourselves. i will not give up. these are the things that im going to fight for in my life, because i fully believe that what you dream will be achieved. i will no longer have to pretend that i am happy and that i am satisfied with myself. because i will be.

that said, i shall sleep.
love, kaatie [wish me luck!]

speechless but unaffected, more or less.

today was by far the most interesting day ive had in a long time. as far as the amount of stories i told to people, it felt like the day that i broke up with zach. but, since im so wonderfully single, i didnt break up with anyone. me and ethan had a...fight? i wouldnt call it a fight, it was more of a......yeah actually it was a fight. its disturbing, kinda, because no guy has ever gotten legitimately mad at me before. i dont exactly know whats up, because i got two different stories from him and sarah. plus, since hes probably going to read this, im not going to exactly recap what went on. all that anyone needs to know was that a) it was a little bit crazy, because NOTHING like this has ever happened to me before, and b) the thing that really got me fired up.[this is the only part that im going to tell] we were having a civilized discussion, but it was progressing towards an angry discussion about me being stalked [!] and he told me that he was just a nosy person. so i was like, well then this is NOT going to work, kinda loudly [i was subconciously aware that a table full of his guy friends were staring at me, and i realized that my wish had been granted. it was just like in a movie.] and then he shot back, rather quickly and just as angrily, "well, that doesnt suprise me!" it was a lot like a slap in the face. and i was speechless. no ones ever said anything to me like that, or called me out on anything, for that matter. it was insane. i still dont even know whats going on with him. we shall see.

class today was pretty good, i suppose. spanish was awkward. algebra 2 was tolerable. drawing was good, as usual. mr kilmer and i talked about my portrait, which im going to shoot this weekend. check my facebook for the pictures. the chem test was hard, and long. newspaper was kinda stressful but still rewarding, at the same time. i have to email around to get permission to podcast Thats What She Said by the Friday Night Boys, which is exciting, because it makes me feel like a real journalist, once again. i have to finish my second article, but thatll be easy. its mostly written already. fashion was boring. english was chill. we didnt have golf, even though our conference tournament is tomorrow at grey goose. ohhh goodness. im nervous, but kinda not. i decided to add two more college options to my short list of possibilities: colombia for a general arts major and a journalism minor, to play golf, and the art institute of new york. just some more things to consider. i was watching the new this morning while eating an orange cranberry bagel and they were talking about sarah palin and her interview with charles gibson. and she bombed. honestly, i dont like her. her story is cool and everything, and shes a normal mom. but that isnt enough for me. the way she didnt understand the bush doctorine, and the way she contradicted herself...it wasnt working for me. just because im a woman doesnt mean that shed have my vote, if i could vote. obama '08.

love, kaatie

tolerable, if not pleasant.

its a little late, so this is going to be a shortie. today was pretty tight, actually, even though it was kinda stressful. there were more spiders in my bathroom, so i promptly moved upstairs again. if there are spiders involved, ill happily accept defeat. those things are absolutely terrifying. i was pretty stressed because i had homework to be turned in that wasnt finished, because i had to talk to mulligan about the jank sewing machine, and conduct three interviews during lunch...all of that had to be accomplished during fifth period newspaper. but i got it done! which excites me, actually. i was calmer after that. my article is going great, and my podcast is all written, so i just have to record it. which reminds me...im going to put up a link to the website for our school paper. check me out, alright? or at least, listen to my podcasts :] spanish was boring as usual, and clendenen didnt count me late even though i walked in like five minutes after the bell. it was great. then in drawing....mr kilmer actually talked me into drawing a self portrait instead of one of erica. because colleges prefer to see self portraits in their applicants portfolios...which sucks, but hey- i need one such portfolio. so this weekend, ill be taking scene portraits of myself. in english, we had a little socratic seminar with speaking chips. that was kinda ridiculous, because we were only allowed to contribute five points to the discussion. but it was also good, because i didnt feel like an idiot for talking more than everyone else.

i wish i was older.
love, kaatie

it might hurt a little.

basically, today was frustrating. i didnt have a very good morning for two reasons [one of them, i wont post for the world to read] but the other one was kinda funny, in retrospect. but also quite traumatizing. you see, im absolutely terrified of spiders. and my bathroom happens to be in an area of the basement where the spiders like to live, despite my dads regular sprays with spider killer. its gross...they arent normal ones, like little daddy long legs or whatever. these spiders are the real deal. the biggest one ive seen had a body about the size of a quarter, and the smallest, which picked this morning to attack had a body about the size of a dime. i was straightening my hair, and i saw it crawling along the wall out of the corner of my eye. and i flipped out, screeched, pressed myself against the opposite wall...i didnt have my contacts in yet so i didnt see exactly where it went. which was a mistake, because when i crept back to see where it went, i couldnt find it. but i knew that it had been creeping back towards my navy h&m cardi that i was planning to wear. .......i was freaking. so i picked it up by the tag and started shaking it, but nothing fell out. i wasnt convinced. i took it up to my mom, who was still in bed at that point, and told her to check it out. shes considerably less claustrophobic than i am, so she did. i was eating breakfast and she came out of her room, laughing. apparently, the spider was in there...hiding on the inside of a sleeve. isnt that disgusting?

school was pretty boring. algebra 2 was dull, as math class always is. the quiz took me almost the entire period, and i felt retarded. then homeroom...which was fun because i got to just sit and talk to orin. i missed him this summer. then in chem we did a lab and reviewed for the test. in fashion, everyone dressed up like the decade that they were supposed to present. my group had the 90s, and my salmon pink t and mom jeans with a thick black belt actually looked really good. i was pleased, considering i didnt try any of it on, and i forgot until this morning on the way out of the house. golf was golf, of couse. then i got home, and i was going to work on the homecoming sashes, because homecoming is like, next friday. but my effing sewing machine is so jank that the internet does not hold the secret of getting the bobbin to work. i was about to throw it at someone, but then i thought...that might hurt a little bit. so i refrained. i think that after this project is done, ill take up sewing as a regular thing. i know at least pratt requires sewing in your admission portfolio...FIT and FIDM probably do too. plus, if i sew stuff, itll be unique and also cheaper. sounds like a good time, to me at least. newspaper class tomorrow, and im interviewing. first period wont go fast enough, especially because third fifth and seventh are all going to be enjoyable tomorrow. stupid spanish.

i guess i should go to bed, and dream about my 11:11 wish that should most certainly come true. because he promised.
love, kaatie

journalist extrodinaire, and the balancing act.

humm, what to do, what to do...i have rather complicated algebra assignment looming over my head, as well as that damned colored pencil drawing thats quite uncomplete. i could also be writing my podcast or roughdraft or interview questions for newspaper. i could be studying for chemistry. but, of course, instead, im camped out in front of my computer. and, per usual, i wandered from facebook to blogger in search of something to occupy my time. i dont know why i feel so frazzled today. it might be because im pmsing. but maybe not. who knows, these days? maybe its because i have so much to do, and no motivation to do it. or because im completely antsy because of certain issues pertaining to my love life. in either case, theres no outward cause this...mood. i think i want to go and get a cookies and creme milkshake, but i neither need the calories nor want another distraction. justin came over [since he lives at ipfw now] and chilled for a little while, but then he left. my mom is working the concession stand at the volleyball game against northrop. i guess id rather be there, cheering for caylin...because she started today. thats good. i hope shes playing well. now is not a good time for me to be home alone, i dont think. i feel precariously placed, between about twelve different things. if i dont explode from the tension, im going to fall. i really hate not being able to text, because it feels like i havent talked to ken if for-freaking-ever. speaking of ken....maybe this is the aftermath of our conversation last night. i swear, i layed in bed last night for longer than i think is healthy, thinking about a boy whos far away and likely out of reach. i know how things go. its easy to promise. but waiting...well, i think everyone knows what waiting is like. and i know better than most that people get tired of waiting. ...im not sure why it doesnt bother me. my overactive imagination, probably.

journalism is something thats easy for me to be passionate about. ive always love to write, but its different than writing for me. i like to write because its all telling lies. and saying what i want to say without anyone knowing that its how i really feel. its safe, its anyonomous. but in newspaper, youre telling everyone what you think. its completely amazing to me how i can sit and think of an angle to take, and then talk to maybe fifty kids at lunch, and find exactly the information that i need. i get so stoked when i find someone who can tell me what i need to know. the thrill of the chase, the excitement i get when i see my words, my thoughts in two thousand copies to go to two thousand people...it fires me up.

love, kaatie

my timing is a little off.

today some good things happened: ethan seemed to be a little more chill, which was good, and it actually helped me calm down a little about that situation. i went to c lunch and talked to him and some of his friends. it was a good time. i found out that i did not, in fact, fail the chemistry quiz...in fact, i got a c. thats a ton better than i expected, so therefore i am pleased with that, even though its still low. you can recover from a c. but usually not for a complete f. so there is hope in chemistry. things werent so good for steph, though. she actually did fail it. poor her. i got about a hundred new songs, of alot of really good bands. and then the last thing...i was plesantly suprised when i logged into blogger today with the new reading list, and how you can see who follows your blog. and i have one! yayy! it makes me feel kindof special.

i feel like im always up and down with my feelings these days, so i think im going to stop focusing on them in these posts. they sorta get me in trouble anyway. i was thinking today about how i really want to say something to someone someday that sounds like its from a movie. you know...like its so good and so right, and right at the exact right time; its just like WHAM. i think of these things after the fact, mostly. so someday, im gonna nail it. and its gonna be great. anyway. i cant get my mind off of a certain someone.. and i dont mind at all. in fact, its kinda keeping me going for the time being. just knowing that there IS someone out there...nevermind. its making me daydream. steven wants me to go to the leo football game with him on friday, and im not sure if thats such a good idea. especially in light of past events. but i do miss hanging out with him, like when we were best friends. hmm, never thought i would. but whatever. i dont even know what im thinking most of the time. it keeps things interesting, for sure.

its raining, and that makes me happy. i like fallling asleep to the sound of rain. and these days, it reminds me of ken. like....just about everything, actuallly.
love, kaatie

lazy day.

somehow, i managed to avoid getting in trouble after quite a bit of yelling. im not even sure how i managed to accomplish that one. but i did, and thats all that matters. i went to mcmillen with jackie, and we skated and whatnot, had a good time...i dont know. today was generally boring, the highlight being hearing ken's voice for the first time in a week. it definately made me think about last weekend, and i realized that theres no way im going to keep him out of my head. so i guess im going to have to figure this one out. its plausible, no doubt. its just going to be...challenging. besides getting screamed at by my mother, the worst part of today was finding out that im completely out of texts for this month. which sucks, let me tell you. i think im going to die. until wednesday. thats when it resets itself. but until then...im somewhat incommunicado.

today was just kinda chill. i didnt do much, besides church and skate and homework. well, some homework. i didnt actually get around to doing some of it. and i did some laundry. i had a lot of time to think about stuff, which is never good but happens alot. i didnt talk to ethan all weekend, which was a little wierd. i really have no idea what its gonna be like with him tomorrow at school, but i guess we'll see. im pretty sure hes still reading this. which im not sure how i feel about, but whatever i guess. its his call. i have a fancy new disclaimer, which i posted in all sincerity. it breaks my heart to tell people not to read my beloved blog, because i want about everyone to read it, but when i get confronted about things that i say on here...that is where i draw the line. but fans, by all means, read and tell others to do the same. AND COMMENT!

love, kaatie

untitled 0654.

stare at the
the same sky, you and I saw
that night, wish we could be
together
now, a thousand miles
cant keep you out of my head

wanting so
badly to be with you
tonight, I wont deny
that it almost hurts
not to see your face
I need your voice so
I’ll replay that day again

telling a
different lie to myself
for why I cant breathe
I know its you
its so hard to sleep, here alone
tonight ill dream that im with you instead

and

ethan's statuses always confuse me.

love, kaatie

having a boyfriend is rather pointless.

today was good, overall. actually, it was really good. we had a pony club carwash which was about the most unponyclub approved thing ever. we were washing cars in the tsc parking lot belong to [whoda thunk?] all guys. it was pretty great. me madison and erica basically just had a good time standing by the road, running across coliseum, and spraying the cars. and then there was the excitement when the power was out and we couldnt get any water. so what did we do? we shopped up tsc in the dark and put on some penguin suits and put erica in a cage and smacked eachother with paddles. we also told stories that could probably get us disowned by the pony club. but oh well. good times. and then after i helped coach a softball tryout, and had to comfort a crying girl that sucked, i went to a movie with erica. which was good. and suuper funny. like old times, i suppose, making mischif and such. and getting isocks from the gas station, talking to steven, and getting ten cheesytots instead of nine. and then getting locked out. we found some tracts in a box [which idk what they are] but one of them was like DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT and we thought that was pretty funny because of the whole steven guilting me into doing stuff. so i posed for a photo. i laughed alot tonight, which made me feel better.

because i definately had a like five minute period where that old depression, that low feeling snuck in. it feels like nothing in your life [love life, that is] is ever going to work out because of the person you are, and even though youre trying hard to make it better, its not working, only making things more complicated and horrible and so on and so forth. after seeing a romantic comedy, i kinda wished that i could date someone in my entire life that was sweet and sensitive and cute...like, the whole package. i dont really know of anyone that i would consider the whole package. most of the guys i know have like, one aspect, or two at most. i didnt think that i would ever come to this point, but im about to put my foot down. maybe i just shouldnt date anymore in highschool, or at least take a VERY long break. like, 6 months to a year, to just let me work things over and figure stuff out. find myself. realize that i dont need the first guy that comes along. because really, i dont. im loving being single right now. i feel rather free. like i can do anything i want. well, not really that. but i love that im not burdened by worry and thoughts that im supposed to be having about a boy. i can actually sleep at night because im not thinking about anyone. boyfriends used to make me feel secure, but lately im thinkin that theyre a pain in the ass. i just had a thought! im not going to have another boyfriend until that magic day when i turn sixteen and im legally allowed to date, according to my parents. well. maybe thats going a little too far. but im going to wait a while at least, and enjoy my sweet freedom.

love, kaatie

i shall be drawing a hipster.

good news! i thought of a portrait to shoot and draw for drawing class. im like, so pumped for this. its going to be this hipster, thats really pretty and everything, standing at her bathroom counter getting ready. she has a ton of makeup on and scene hair and everything, and shes just standing there judging herself, and she isnt pleased with whats in the mirror. basically, the portrait expresses her insecurity and the way she sees herself negatively, where the rest of the world is seeing something different. i wonder if kilmer would let me draw a different, uglier face as the reflection, and have the actual girls face be about flawless. ill have to ask him about that. i have the angles and lighting and everything planned out in my head..its going to be freaking sweet even though its going to be a graphite drawing. but i figure if i get the tightest reference photo ever, ill be inspired to work extra hard on it. and graphite is like a million times easier than colored pencil, so itll be a nice change, even if i am cheating and using mostly graphite on my colored pencil drawing, to make an easier grey. so things should turn out good. especially since i actually did find a good subject - erica!

basically, nothing else exciting happened today. so i guess this is just an art update.
love, kaatie

thursday.

i did it. i defriended zach and his little homestead crew on facebook and blocked him on aim. so there shall be no more reminders in my minifeed or on my buddylist. im so proud of myself, because although its easy to click buttons on the computer, its hard to tell myself that this really is the end. which it is. im certain.

today was sorta boring, but also sorta...invigorating? that isnt the word for it. i was definately antsy all day, but not because things with ethan were awkward. they were just the opposite, actually. it felt like about a thousand pounds was lifted off my chest all at once. like i didnt have to hold anything else in, because he'd already read it all. that felt really good, actually. it just felt like he was a little bit confrontational about it. which is totally understandable. considering what he ready, im really suprised that he wasnt like, seething. but thats guys for you. i dont think ive ever been able to acomplish making a boy mad at me for more than like, five minutes at a time. i guess i dont have the kind of skill. whatever works, though. all he needs to do now is figure out that the more he tries to press and the faster he tries to go, the longer im going to want to wait. and im especially not feeling the whole 'right now' thing. im loving being single. i feel quite..free. i could really get used to it. ashley sat with us at lunch today, and i enjoyed that. im glad things are getting better between us.

the first issue of the charger comes out tomorrow, and im ridiculously excited. i dont quite know why, but something about journalism just fascinates me. being on newspaper is so exciting and i have so much fun. like today was amazingly exciting, even though we did absolutely nothing except sit and then go and chill in c lunch. i think that i might possibly want to intern at a magazine either before or after art school [or during, like LC] to get a taste of what thats like. i doubt itll be anything like a school paper, but still. we have good times in the a&e section. its my best class of the day, by far. well, actually...drawing is tied for first, but thats a given. ive been trying to think about my portrait, and ive mostly been drawing blanks. its highly unlikely that ill do the subject that i was considering doing, because it would be a little awkward and it wouldnt be expressive enough. or at least, i dont think it would be. but people surprise me every day. and a sidenote, while im on suprises...the end of breaking dawn was suprisingly suckish. like, i was so dissapointed because she just left me hanging on so many things. but she has plenty of room to keep going with her story. soo, theres hope.

im super excited about the strong possibility that september 27 will be the best day of my entire life. like, you dont even know. and im not going to tell you until i know for sure, or at least have some idea of whether or not its a yes or a no. but if its a yes...oh my goodness. i will be so happy.
love, kaatie

awareness raised.

wow, my parents make me very angry. it seems like their new favorite hobby is checking my grades online, and yelling at me about assignments that arent like, a hundred percent. its annoying. the particular test in question was a c. and i took it today, so i didnt even know what i got, or what i missed. in fact, it was news to me that i did bad on it, because i was actually feeling pretty good about that chapter. damn, i guess im just too dumb. i bombed a chem quiz. like majorly, terribly, indisputably. ill be very suprised if i even got a fifty percent on it. and im sure that my parents arent going to be happy about that. i expect that ill be grounded for quiteee a while. whoo.

so its been brought to my attention that people are like, reading this. people besides the ones that i already knew. like, specifically, people that i talk about all the time. which is a little [well, a lot, actually] creepy. i had no clue, and i also thought that it was semi private. so ive been quite open with what i post. and let me tell you: that is NOT going to change. i thought about it, and considered changing the url or whatever so it would be a little more private, but i dont care enough to do that. im posting this stuff online, right? so i guess it only makes sense that people are reading it, finding it, etc. at least people know what im thinking. im not going to censor, and im not going to keep that sorta thing into consideration when i write. for instance: i thought of something REALLY funny today: i could dwell on the past, sure. but things could be a lot worse...i could have a widow's peak. that would be ultimate. theyre about the ugliest things around. and i know someone who's currently sporting a big one. i feel really bad for her. that was easy, and a little liberating.

"he crashed into my life so fast that at first i didnt know how to react. Should i be sad that he would come and go so quickly? Or happy that i had the chance to know someone like him? I chose to be hopeful, because we both know that no matter what, that sunset, that goodbye...it wouldnt be the last."

that sums me up, at this moment. it happens to be my favorite quote right now. i really feel like working on that novel i started about three months ago..i feel quite inspired. i love it when new characters walk right up and introduce themselves..since it seems to be loosly autobiographical. but thats a secret...if anyone asks, its complete fiction. but for now...i need sleep.
love, kaatie

stress point.

i guess things never are the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you wish for them to be right or what way you spin it. i guess, in complete actuality, you really cant ever win. im to the point where i would give just about anything to forget that i ever met zach, and go back to life how it was. i dont remember anything ever hurting this much for so long in my entire life. its making me a little bit crazy, to be honest. i cant do anything, think of anything. everything reminds me of him. and now, its not that im mad at him or whatever, or shocked that it happened. im past that part, i think. i just really want it to not have happened at all. i really want to know what hes saying to taylor and hilary and what hes thinking, since he hasnt really told me anything. but thats like beating my head against a brick wall. i guess i just need to accept that, and move on. but its just so hard! like i want to forget him. i want to be past it. to look back and laugh. but obviously, remembering isnt forgetting. will he ever be completely in the past? its hard to say, but im doing my damndest to put him there as quickly as my...i dont know what - pride, my bleeding heart? my reasoning? anyway - will allow. all of this has created a stress point: bend it too far, and im going to snap.

it seems as though my days have turned into a whirl of emotion and pain and confusion. among the things that make it worse: ethan, and the need he feels for a serious, very committed relationship, and the way hes about to guilt me into it by being so freaking nice and sweet and caring all the time. ken, being so perfect but so far away, who crashed into my life i think to distract me from the way i feel. believe me, if i could walk to him in chicago, i would. forrr sure. ashley, and how i thought that maybe she would have said something by now, because it seemed like things might have been coming around with janna. golf, and how i suck at it when im stressed out, which is all the time these days. i picked today to cry my eyes out, instead of the day that something actually happened or that some certain people said stuff to me. maybe because its all finally feeling real. god. im remembering again. i need to like, do something to get my mind off of this. like sleep for about a month and wake up free and able to drive and do whatever i want. free to get away from this place and the baggage that seems to be tied up here.

cheer me up.
love, kaatie

experiment.

i want to give something a try.

hello, my name is katherine suzanne phipps. im your everyday average girl. i would rather accept what im told than ask questions and find things out for my self. i dont like learning much. im not very smart, but i try hard in all of my classes because i really want to go into medicine when i get out of school. i go to carroll, by the way, and i love it. my favorite class is math, because i love a good challenge. im a very conservative republican, and i like to do things by the books. i hate taking crazy chances and avoid risks at all costs. im closed minded. it doesnt bother me at all when people copy what i do, because everyone knows that imitation is the highest form of flattery. it would be perfectly alright with me if i grew up, went to college, spent a few years in a career and then had a couple kids and became a stay at home mom. in fact, i want to have three or four kids because i love them! and definately not a redhead, because everyone would make fun of them for being a ginger. that wouldnt be very cool. i want my husband to work a nine to five, white collar job. and he better not have piercing and he better believe exactly what i do. i want to live in the subburbs, in a nice house with a yard and a picket fence. i like clingy people, and im a hopeless romantic. its hard to make me sad, and im the strongest person i know. i cant remember the last time i broke down and cried. when i fall, it takes me only a matter of minutes before i pick myself up again, and keep living my life. im fearless. right now, things arent looking bleak and hopeless for me, theyre looking happy and bright. i got over zachary john hodgson in one day. i do not hate taylor lamphier. things really couldnt be better.

yeah, thats what i thought. its so easy to tell lies.
love, kaatie

chicago is my happy place.

happy september, happy labor day. i didnt post yesterday because i got home super late. me and caylin were beachin' it up at weko beach in michigan. i guess eleven isnt that late, but i was experiancing a whirl of emotions that i didnt want to spell out in writing. i think that might have messed up the perfection of the feeling, if i tried to analyse it. but no, i just layed in bed and stared at the ceiling and wished that i was in chicago. or laying on the beach, looking at the stars...

...with ken. let me start at the beginning: me and caylin decided that we wanted to kill two birds with one stone...i wanted to meet some guys to celebrate singleness and she wanted to pwn some kids at volleyball. and there happened to be some guys playing at the time. so we went and joined their game, and started chatting them up...well, eventually we got bored of volleyball. and we decided to go run around on the dunes. so we did, and it ended up being a trek through the woods..well me and ken pretty much just talked the whole time. and we really hit it off. the creek we were following opened up to the beach, and we kinda started walking along the shore...exciting. and about 45 minutes later, we wanted to go back into the woods. and as it turned out, luke and caylin had stopped following us, so far away that we couldnt see them. it was pretty funny. so we turned around, kept talking...it was pretty sweet. hes sweet. damn those boys that are just about perfect that live so far away! we watched the sunset over lake michigan, and it was a little bit romantic. things were pretty good, i guess you could say. i miss him already.

i really dont know what else to say. except that i hate this and i hate what im feeling and i hate that i cant just get over him already. i guess its pretty stupid that my heart leapt when i saw that zach facebook messaged me...but of course, it was about taylor. my god. could this be any more painful, zach? could you please just stab me in the throat already?

ill just let my mind wander to its happy place: the dunes at weko beach.
love, kaatie