downward spiral.

i feel like things are getting a little bit [a lot, actually] out of control. i cant seem to get a grip or even understand whats going on. things are going way to fast for me to comprehend, and i cant make enough sense of the present to stop them. so essentially, im powerless to all of this. of course, if i could just wake up and say no, or at least say something, i might be able to keep my life from slipping entirely from my grasp. everything seemed fine this week, but i think that thats because i had school to distract me from whats going on inside my head. i dont know what i was thinking: everything is about as far from perfect as it could me. things with ethan are approaching freight train speeds. i dont think that anyone understands that. not sarah, even though shes been trying to help me from the beginning. definately not caylin. i dont know whats up with her lately. she always seems a little involved with her stress, and worried about all the wrong things. maybe i should try that...worrying about all the unimportant things. or maybe its the opposite, and im the one that should be thinking about different stuff. either way, she wont listen. i cant talk to ethan. ill explain that in a minute. i think ashley is in such a state that she wouldnt even want to listen. janna...maybe. but not likely. besides, i dont want to extend my drama into their weekend. its supposed to be the best three days of their lives, after all.

ethan is different than any guy that ive ever talked to, much less dated. way different. and to be perfectly honest and clear, i am absolutely scared to death. the way he sees it, you should only go out with people you truely care about, and said relationships should last a long time. kisses should mean something every time, and if it doesnt mean something, you shouldnt be doing it. hes almost ridiculously romantic. and i know, about a week ago, i was praying that i could find someone like that, but man, is this hard to grasp. that someone could actually be more into love and romance than i have always been. or previously was, as im starting to think. i guess its back to the upper hand thing that i talked about a long time ago. yes, if i date him, ill have it. but at the same time, i couldnt bear to be in control because of the sincerity that hes putting into all of this. thats not going out, its getting married. and at this point, at least, im not ready for that kind of commitment. not at all. that might be because one week ago, i was totally and completely shattered, but still. its highschool. this is not the time...if there ever is a time. and i dont see someone like him and someone like me staying together. once again, im dipping below those standards that i set for myself, trying to make it so i wouldnt go out with any more of those guys that only piss me off. hes not as bad as steven, but still. all of this is just freaking me out. i want it all to stop, to just go away. actually, what i want is zach. badly. not going to lie.

speaking of zach and stressing me out, who the hell does this taylor lamphier think she is? she actually messaged me on facebook and tried to play it off like she didnt do anything, and neither did zach. that everything was just peachy. she said sorry about twelve times in a twelve line conversation. it was extremely sketchy and only made me more mad, and all the more curious. obviously, she did something. and honey, if you tell me that you hate to think that someone doesnt like you, i am going to go out of my way to make sure whoever plays with you on tuesday gives you that impression. and the entire carroll team, for that matter. i know they will too [except maybe GoBlah, but no one likes her. everyone else has my back] i hope it effects your golf game, taylor. a fair trade for fucking up my life.

i wish i could sleep without dreaming. but maybe better, now that ive gotten this off my chest.
love, kaatie

TGIF.

i dont have much to write about, except that school was good again, and the football game was fun. the most exciting thing that happened during the day was forgetting to do my letter to amy tan for english. i got to sit out in the hall with megan the entire class period. and just chill. every once and a while miss ocock would stick her head out the door and be like, hows it going? and we would say something to the effect of, oh, were just working hard! and she would shut the door again. good times. megan is pretty amazing. art class was good, i think im getting the hang of colored pencil. at lunch, me and some other staffers figured out that our crystal lights were like two and a half years expired, so we took them back to the lunch ladies and scored a free one each. i started my article, and its going to be good, i think. youre welcome in advance, band kids. im really talking you up. i pretty much slept through chemistry, until mrs bell called on me. and then, i said the wrong answer to the question she asked, making everyone else chuckle. but hey, it was fourth period. about the time my coffee wears off. afternoon classes...bombed the test in fashion but still somehow have almost an a+. now thats skill. actually, its because of my kickass poster that mulligan absolutely loved. then english.

then golf, dinner, and the game. all whirled by, a little too fast, if you ask me. but no one did. no one ever does, i dont think. except ethan said something that really made me think.

we were texting and stuff, and somehow the conversation got to kissing. and he said he didnt think we were to that point, or something like that. and i was like, ok? so i was confused by that, and i asked him to explain himself. so he did. he said that basically, he didnt just want it to be another kiss. he wanted it to mean someting. which isnt a strange concept, or even a bad one. it was just so crazy to actually have someone tell me that, about two weeks after i decided that guys like that didnt exist. that there was no noah calhouns. no supermans. no one cared like that, it was only in the movies. but ethan...i think he really does care. its too bad i didnt meet him before i gave in to a life of cynicism. but i think i may have met my match: someone to turn me around.

love, kaatie

my streak continues.

so today was good also. its kinda wierding me out, how well school and golf and friends and other things of that nature are going. especially considering what happened monday. i didnt expect this to be probably the best week of my life. everything just seems to be clicking. things with ethan are good, and the little speed issue has been handled. meaning, we had a little conversation about how waiting is a good idea. rushing into relationships is very bad. VERY bad. look at what happened with steven. [maybe i never told that story. that was preblog, i think. well, what happened was: steven told me that he liked me and one week later guilted me into making out with him/ going out with him. it lasted less than a month but i was miserable the entire time. because he pissed me off and he was a loser and he wasnt my type. among other things. moral of the story = dont date your best guy friend. and dont rush into relationships, also. obviously] at least ethans down with that though. it wouldnt be very helpful if he was one of those guys that liked the security of actually being an established couple. but maybe this will actually be beneficial. it might prevent the effect of dating: that gross coupleyness. who knows? i expect things will work out, either way. school was good again today. in kilmers class, we talked about out next assignment, which is a graphite portrait. suprisingly, im excited about it, even though i hate graphite, and i hate portraits. but i have a subject in mind...yeah. but thats a secret, for now. im still working on the colored pencil, anyway. in newspaper, me and kari ran around and interviewed some freshman. i had a hot showchoir date with sawyer and watched the sq's dance for a while. exciting, right? we laughed the entire time, basically. then we went and talked to some seniors and a junior that mr k told me was a freshman. it was the most fun ive had in a while, basically. now i have to write the article. it shouldnt be too tough, though. because i got the exact kind of interviews i needed. in english, my group totally bombed our presentation. but it was kinda funny, and i dont care anyway. so i wont complain. golf was fun even though we played grey goose, which is the shittiest course in existance. i shot a 46, and had two pars and an eagle. YES, AN EAGLE. ON A PAR 5. it was so exciting. we won. and velpel was just losing it. soo funny. i definately love her, and sarah.

tomorrow is the a chinese dinner date with caylin and stephanie, then the football game. which is super exciting, in my opinion. and thats basically it. im glad that my 50th post was about happy stuff.
love, kaatie

i thought i could kid myself.

the next one will be my 50th post, which is pretty nifty, in my opinion. ive kept this up for quite a while now, and so many things have changed. like that intro post is only about half true, i think. i dont know. i havent read it in a while. actually, i havent read anything old for a while. but i definately think i should, so i have something to laugh at. maybe i should recap some of those moments that i was previously so angry with zach, to try to relight that fire. because getting over him is definately not going to be as easy as i thought. actually, its going to be very, very hard. i dont know what it is about him, either. hes not that special. he never called me back when he said he would. just generally not that great. he was awkwardly tall, too. its wierd though, because after what he did, i just kinda figured i would hit the ground running, bounce right back, and be happy right away. which is not going to happen. i miss him, despite everything. and what i said a few posts ago, that i was just a little pissed, is a lie. im more than a little pissed. i didnt cry that day. i was trying so hard to just be brave. but now its not on my mind all the time. but remember those little things that all reminded me of him? how they used to make my day? well, all those little things about made me cry today. every single one. i swear to goodness, ive never felt so pathetic, or weak. he cheated, for the love of god. i should still be seething two days later. i should be so pissed. way incredibly angry. but im not. because i know deep down, that i still love him. and i probably always will.

but that doesnt mean that im not trying. i know what i want, so im going to use this to my advantage. i know im shallow, and semi attractive is a minimum. and semi fashionable. but that you can change, i suppose. he must be mature, and sweet. but not disgustingly so. theres always a balance. i also know that i need my space, and if i dont get my space im a very unhappy person. whoever is so lucky to date me next better not make me the center of his universe. that pisses me off like no other. he better do other stuff besides text me all the time. be busy sometimes. and i like kissing. alot. thats kindof important, i think. im pretty chill about who i date, obviously. so, as long as ethan fits the bill, i think i may be all set. except for one thing. i seem to be quite stuck on the past. i never saw a reason not to say i love you. like, its usually no big deal for me, because i tend to throw myself at whoever im with at a particular time. and fast isnt a word that i would have used to describe ethan, say, yesterday. but my god. one hug [which was, to say the least, the best hug ive ever recieved in my life. from anyone. and while it was a nice change to not be a whole foot shorter, i definately missed that adorable awkwardness for a split second before he said it. and i was like, no. that is not ok. because i still think that i love zach. and thats why im so confused.

but i guess itll be better as time passes. maybe.
love, kaatie

it was chill and i loved it.

yes, called it! today was just as good as yesterday. and oh my god. mulligan asked ME to design the sashes for the homecoming king and queen. i find that amazing and a little intimidating. but seriously, how exciting is it when the fashion teacher asks you, out of the whole school, to actually design the sash for homecoming. super exciting, and totally a big deal. i was like, freaking out. in a good way of course. i also got to attend two lunches because of newspaper and having nothing to do. snuck around school for a while. talked to ethan alot. told the story about how zach never called me back last night alot. got to play in a foursome with sarah for the east noble golf match, and a ginger! but it was a girl one, and an ugly girl at that. so we basically just made fun of her alot and both played incredibly bad. but a good time was had by all. except our number one girl, ashley shot a 52, which has never happened before. it was crazy, let me tell you.

my favorite part of the day was the following:
me: mom, zach still has my golf club.
mom: ok, call him and tell him to bring it back.
me: hell no, i dont want to talk to him. you call him.
mom: ok.

so she did. funniest thing ever.

so. thats about it.
love, kaatie

so thats the end of that.

zach cheated on me, and i broke up with him. im not really all that upset because he didnt care anyway. im mostly just a little pissed that he lied and that i was right, again. i guess i didnt learn much from that one, except sometimes you just have to do it. and that youll survive, no matter what. oh well. im on to better things. like someone who actually gives a shit. ashley got mad at me, i decided that i didnt really want to drag that out because theres some things about her that have bothered me for a really long time. it sucks though, because now ill probably never get to meet janna. not that she wants to meet me anymore, i dont think, but yknow. we were soul sisters at one point. her letter got returned to me in the mail, because i forgot to put a two cent stamp on it. go figure. i guess it doesnt matter though, because all of the things that i wrote about are completely invalid, like me being excited because i was going to hang out with zach in three days, and because i was coming to tennessee if i could convince my parents. ill rewrite one. one thats relevant.

so i guess thats the end of that.

all of my classes are going great, which is kind of suprising because this is about the point in the year where school usually catches up to me. about the same time that the drama catches up with me, in other words. sra. clendenen's first period is amazing. no question. hands down. favorite period of the day. felix is one of the only things keeping me sane right now. thank god for him. i have an a in algebra 2 honors after a whole chapter, which includes homework that ive done all of, a quiz, and a test. miracle. kilmers drawing class is great, because its art. miss briana amazes me every day. and the girl on my other side gets to listen to us talk about our troublesome relationships. which is awkward, but sorta funny. anyway. chem honors is tolerable because mrs bell is crazy. it makes the period go super fast. METER BOX! ITS SO BIG THAT I COULD HAVE SOME PETS IN HERE! OR FRIENDS! COME JOIN ME IN THE METER BOX! haha. insider. newspaper is amazing and kari is like the best partner ever. we're vip and we like to wander around school making mischif after lunch. in fashion, mulligan said that im going to suceed at fit or pratt, when i go there. which was pretty sweet to hear, because it makes me all the more confident in my future. the school part. not the zach part, because thats definately not going to be happening. which is good, because the more i think about it...its kindof gross to marry your highschool sweetheart and he doesnt really fit the bill of my dream guy. just throwing that out there. then seventh period english. our clique. its allll good. then after school! golf team is so much better than last year, because of our relationship therepy sessions with williams, and standing up for inben [sp??!] and her sunscreen. making fun on favorite and FF and CP and goblah with velpel and alysia and sarah, whom ive come to love dearly. shes amazing. who wouldve guessed? i just wrote out all that good stuff about today...wow.

friday is ethans pond party and the marion football game. and i am beyond excited. im even excited for school tomorrow because i know its gonna be drama free. im just gonna sit back, and enjoy it while it lasts.
love, kaatie

ideal sunday.

this is not the first post of an online war, if you were wondering. quit reading if you dont want to hear my point of view. if you have no idea what that means, then nevermind.

yes, well. we all do things wrong, i suppose. i accept that i am a human and that i have my moods and go though phases and periods and the like. i know that i can be a little obnoxious and maybe i am kinda arrogant. but i really dont think i did anything wrong this time. i can see how i might have been able to improve the situation to make ashley happy. what can i do now though? its definately after the fact, and after the fact you can change nothing. am i right? yes. i dont even know exactly why she is so veryvery angry, how ive been acting wierd, etc etc. i cannot change the past, or take back what i did or said, nor do i want to make excuses or beat around the bush and draw something out thats unnecessary in the first place. drama drama drama drama drama. that is not my ideal sunday. my ideal sunday involves being content and mulling over saturday night. which was fabulous and confusing, all at the same time. AND FOR THE RECORD: no plans were made and zach did not come over to caylins. ok? ok.

that project for fashion class [which im supposed to be working on right now] is going wonderfully. a good mistake allowed my mom to give me a fabulous idea which should make mine one of the best, if not the coolest poster ive ever created for anything. which is saying something, because both times i did llama club [hell yes! in third and fourth grade, haha] my poster was grade champion and went on to state. i dont know, i just think i have a good eye for stuff like balance and design. which is a little concieted, i know, but i think its pretty exciting.my other homework was pretty gay, which is normal. and ive been texting felix all day, which basically makes up for the squabble thats taking place. it defiately does. i think the only thing that would make me happier would be if zach called me, all on his own. but i think for the first time in a while, i would be ok if he didnt. i guess you could say that im confused, but know exactly what i want. if that makes any sense to you. im still trying to get it all figured out in my head. at least i know that whichever way it goes, things are going to be alright.

im starting to realize whats good for me.
love, kaatie

low.

life is confusing sometimes. it seemed like i knew exactly where i was going. i saw it. i was close. but then i glanced away, and when i looked back up, i couldnt see my destination anywhere? where had it gone? i asked myself, and then i realized that i couldnt even remember where i had been going.

i still cant.

i was running headlong for freedom, counting the days until i turn sixteen then eighteen then to the day i graduate. i dont even remember a time when i didnt. i couldnt wait to get out of this house, away from my parents, away from the restriction and opression and whathaveyou. i couldnt wait to be on my own, where i didnt have to fake anything for my parents. where i wasnt pressured to do things i dont really care about. where i could just be me, for me. so i could be with who i wanted to be with. now it feels like all of that is vain and selfish, and a little cruel to my parents. maybe a little stupid, and immature. ive never felt like this in my life. maybe it has something to do with being called closed minded, a slut, arrogant, and condescending all on the same day by my dad, who was previously my only ally in this house. its just an eye opener, i guess...maybe im a bitch, maybe im closed minded. maybe i love zach a lot too much. those are all likely possibilities. but all of these new thoughts dont really get me anywhere: all i really want is to not be pressured in golf, to spend more time with my friends, and to see zach more. and my parents are being obnoxiously stubborn and adminstering guilt trips left and right, making me feel like what theyre saying is actually legit.

ugh. everyone must think that im absolutely retarded for having another one of these parent fight posts the effing day after one about being happy, and feeling invincible and whatnot. it always happens like that though: one day high, the next low, the next night im crying myself to sleep, then im feeling loved and on top of the world. today did have one good part though: ethan and i sorta bonded. and it was pretty cool. im beginning to love first period. y yo no se porque a mi me gusta. es raro, no? ;]
love, kaatie

honestly, things are good right now.

ive been going out with zach for two months today, which means ive had this blog for about two months as well. which is pretty exciting, although i am neither more famous nor more respected. but i guess it does help with my mental health and i did start the fabulous blogging trend among several others, which makes me feel kinda cool. hell, when dont i feel cool? im a pretty cool kid.

i think joining newspaper was one of the best decisions i made while scheduling last year. i thought it would be a little nerdy, making me a 'word nerd', if you will, since it would have displayed my obscure love of writing. but its definately not like that at all. as i was sitting in class this morning drawing on the desk because we were learning about things that didnt interest me, i noticed that there are some nifty kids in that class. it kindof dawned on me that i was a part of a really smart, chic [as i looked at scott, who looks like a male model, and kyle, who has the best style of any guy ive ever seen, and jackie, who always looks amazing], involved group of kids. what other club offers that? ive already made friends, too. sarah and i were kinda friends from golf, but this year were like, actually good friends. and scott, and kari. i predict good times. starting with kari and my adventure title The 26o...in which we spend the day driving around fort waste looking for music and art related things to do that are actually fun...its going to be a benefit to fellow chargers since fort wayne is so freaking boring. there must be some underground music or art or something around here. surely the second largest city in indiana must have some culture.

i feel a little reckless today, but at the same time, content. there isnt anything that i really desperately want from life right now. i have a new set of challanges, friends, goals..a great relationship that remains important but not like smotheringly so. the golf team, which means always having something to do. my parents and i have been getting along lately, so things are relatively good at home. so i guess ive reached not a lull but a plateau of emotion, so to speak. its high, consistantly. with all of that, i want to do things that i normally wouldnt consider, because of random insecurity and the like. its not that i want to go crazy. i guess im just comfortable with myself right now. ima big sophomore now, watch out!

i really wish that i was older right now. just because. actually, theres a couple specific daydreams that made class go really fast today, but i dont want to write em out. something about writing things of that nature out just turns me off. id rather let it roll over and over in my mind and let it keep its hold on my imagination like it almost always does. its nice to have an imagination like i have: it keeps me entertained alot of the time.

i want to vote in the 08 election, for senator obama. but alas. not until next time. im sure by then, ill be even more solid in my blacksheep beliefs.
love, kaatie

subpar, for sure.

the acadamy is's new album that came out yesterday, and its pretty amazing. not gonna lie. its a close second for my favorite album ever, the best ever being we the kings, and then third place viva la cobra. but anyway. today was block day, and it was boring, like every other block day that ive ever experianced. fashion was pretty slow because jessica is like the most annoying person in the entire world, and she sat next to me and pissed me off way incredibly much just by being alive. but whatever, i guess? were doing the coolest project ever. we have to pick a celebritry and a country, and then style that celeb in that country for a 5 day promo tour. which is like, amazing, and not even like homework. i picked gabe saporta, because he has amazing style anyway. and south africa, because it would be fricking sweet to go there and party in jo'burg and cape town. seemed chic to me. anyway. of course, everyone else in the class picked someone from the fucking disney channel and a country in europe. except for the ones that picked ashlee simpson and paris hilton, and paris and milan and london. the teacher didnt catch that one. i almost told her, but i dont know. shes just a little dumb. but at least she hates miley cyrus and the jo bros as much as me. its kinda strange, i told my mom that she was almost retarded, and my mom called me arrogant. wierd, right? oh well. im arrogant, im a bitch, and i got asked if i was pregnant. interesting days.

i really hate when people try hard to be something theyre not. i hate cliches, and i hate when i get copied. or when people copy things in general. its kinda like....couldnt you be at least a little creative? i get inspired by stuff, but i like to put a little bit of my own spin on things. blatant idea stealing turns me off. i also hate the disney channel. just throwing that out there.

im especially wish that i was with zach tonight, just so you know. so im going to go lay on my bed and think about stuff.
love, kaatie

tuesday.

today was almost as good as yesterday. i decided that scott is hotter than ethan and kyle. we had golf pictures. i got started on my colored pencil drawing in art, which is going to be tough to draw because the perspective is so wierd in it. oh well though, that just means its gonna look extra cool when im done, and ill be better in the long run. i do hate colored pencil though. really really do. so this project has its ups and downs, i suppose. im super excited, because me and bri signed up for mr mcfarrens animation club. not that im like, into animatin, but mr mcfarren is amazing. seriously, he was more like a..friendly uncle? than a teacher. hes just like, easy to talk to and he gives like really good advice and stuff. so that should be fun. i definately love my new music player. and i definately hate chemistry class. i have to go in early on friday to make up a lab, since i had the wrong kind of lab notebook. its retarded.

it was so crazy. in fashion, ms mulligan definately was teaching a lesson on labels, like sterotypes and cliques and cliches. it was the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard in my life. the girls in that class are like, i dont know. i want to say stupid, but not necessarily. they just think of fashion as like, spending daddy's money. thats why i honestly think i can suceed in the industry...im alot more intelligent and introspective than alot of people, and im driven. and i dont label, or accept labels. i just like to experiment with clothes. because its fun.

i dont know why im not in the mood to write today. it seems like its an everyother day thing..which isnt good because i want this to be like a daily thing. but i guess if im not feeling it, im not feeling it. im kinda sleepy, but i get to sleep in tomorrow since its wednesday. yay!
love, kaatie.

newspaper class is definately my fave.

yeah so i didnt really feel like being on the computer yesterday, so i definately didnt post. well, i was, but that was just to put a couple [500, lol] of the essential songs on my new mp3 player, which is friggin sweet. its a creative zen. anyway. i didnt do anything, so i didnt have anything to write about. i still dont really, except school. which reminds me, today was pretty good! actually, it was really good, considering that its that time of the month and i usually want to rip peoples heads off. but not today. i just feel very chill and happy. i discovered that im in a better mood if i just put him out of my mind when i dont talk to him. and it works. ive been worry free for aproximately 20 or so hours: an absolutely fabulous miracle.

i cant decide whether i like newspaper or spanish better. or rather, wheter ethan hess or kyle schiffli is hotter. i do know that sarah is my new best friend, because she definately assigned me to be kyles partner during the 'interview skills' part of newspaper. it was probably the best activity ive ever participated in in school. ready for this? partnered with an extremely cute junior [dark brown eyes, long thick eyelashes, curly hair, football player thats into writing and good music! my god, what more can you ask for?], sit and talk until lunch. [bonus! hes in my chem class! the one with no seating chart.] YES, that was a school activity. and then after lunch? sit and 'interview' another cute junior [scott, the soccer playing sports editor. yum.] so that class was great. now that i think about it, spanish doesnt even come close! well, ethan is very cute. in that quiet, smart way, you know? anyway, hes my partner every other week :D i think i should feel bad about this. but i dont. not even a little bit. shoot me? im not cheating.

golf was blah, except we got our sweats. theyre super cute, and pink. instead of blue tiedye, thank god. kilmer like my reference photos for the colored pencil project.

i never thought that it was possible, but i really do think that jon lancaster and i will become actual for real friends. which is good for him, i suppose, because i dont think hes ever had a real friend before. that sounds really shitty, but seriously. for shiz. everyone makes fun of him for being a super genius, but i think since im also a super genius, i understand him a little better? and then theres jacob, who for some reason i always feel like im flirting with, because of the way he acts. but that is in no way possible. and megan! oh, how i do love english class. even miss ocock is cool. sweeet action.

so i have to do my homework now. but like, thats fine with me [!?] i guess because im in such an uncommonly good mood.
love,kaatie

im in love with noah calhoun.

once when i was thirteen years old, i was at my best friends house, and we watched a movie. actually, i was there alot, and actually, we watched about a thousand amazing movies. but one time, i fell in love and lost my faith, all at once. it was a graceful fall, a painless demise. and a happy ending, dont get me wrong. i watched the notebook for the first time fell head over heels, flat on my face, for noah calhoun.

today i went through my usual swing of emotions: happy and carefree at caylins. jovial [haha] and frustrated on the golf course with my daddy. insanely mad beyond belief at zach, then not, but of course, not with him. and then...loved, and not, at the same time, watching the notebook. and now im left with an emotional hangover. a mix of all of those. mostly just tired, and a little fed up. and missing him too much, as usual. i dont know. watching the notebook makes me cry every single time i watch it, because its such a powerful movie. i want a love like that. actually, thats about all i want right now..someone to want me so bad that it hurts, that he cant sleep at night, that its all he thinks about. i dont think that allie hamilton was a stupid girl when she fell in love that summer, nor do i think she was stupid to go back to noah. i think that loving him with everything she had was simply what she had to do. not had to because someone was making her. just because it was going to happen. i think that loving like this, recklessly, when it hurts me, makes me far stupider than she could ever be. this time, i cried hard. and only because i realized that. it was one of those times that you think about everything thats happening, and how much you wish it could stop, and you feel powerless to it all and sort of lose yourself for a moment. and but the world keeps turning, and you with it.

i figure there are two kinds of crying: the kind that hurts your body, and the kind that hurts you. i think i get too much of the kind that hurts me. and thats why i dont mind doing it anymore. it makes people ask. and its so much easier to tell when someone asks. thats all i really need. i wish zach read this, so he would see what im thinking, and i wouldnt have to tell him. maybe then he could evaluate for himself if he really is the guy for me..the guy i hope to god that he is...that its only the circumstance thats making our relationship like this.

tonight, im going to try something new. instead of imagining myself with zach as i fall asleep certainly very alone in my bed, im going to not imagine anyone. im going to try to be strong, and not let him rule me. because he doesnt really have any real power over me, right?
love, kaatie

last day, first day.

well im not going to lie..the first day of school was good up unti 30 seconds ago, when i saw some facebook photos that made me feel literally sick. like, stomach drop and flip kind of sick. the kind of photos that reveal, well, zach and hilary having a grand old time at macie's party last saturday, when he was supposed to hang out with me. ugh. i want to trust him. i really really do. but god, what else am i supposed to think? that he just had a friend thats a girl that older and cooler than me with a nose piercing that lives a lot closer to him than i do? yeah right. i dont want to think about it right now. but i want to know, you know? i want someone to come up and tell me...but only if its a no. i only want someone to come up to me and be like, hey, dont worry, because your boyfriend really loves you. how likely is that to happen, though? no likely, i presume. and probably not worth my sleepless night.

yesterday, my last day of summer, was quite an adventure. i got a migrane and it was so bad that i eventually had to spend some time in the emergency room. which i guess isnt that cool from the point of view that i was shaking and i could hardly breathe because my head hurt so bad and i had to spend my last day of freedom in bed all day, but still a little bit cool because i got to wear a wristband and two ugly bandaids and tell a story to everyone that asked about them.

my classes alright, i guess. i made a tight new friend, named megan. she had on an amazingly cute dress from h&m [which is my favorite store], and had cool dyed blonde hair. shes in my english class, and sits next to me. possible best friendship? i think so. all of my other ones are pretty blah. the chem teacher is crazy. in a mad scientist sort of way. my art teacher is really nice, and from the looks of it, into letting students express themselves. he let us pick our first project, which ended up being a colored pencil drawing of some sort of foliage. im going to do a kid sitting in a tree from the waist down, partially hidden by the leaves and branches and whatnot. maybe two kids in the same manner, holding hands...something cute and innocent by way of secret garden.

so i noticed some things today. the first: if youre cool, you have random, tacky streaks of pink or purple in your hair. allll of the cool kids have them. seriously. if you arent an abercrombied out prep without obsurdly purple hair, you ARE NOT cool. ARE NOT. NO. haha. forget all of those other attractive hair colors...no one or two streaks of pink or purple, and your good to go. and the other: if you are cool and a girl, you have every single accessory that fits on your body in a peace sign, and you like hannah montanna and the jonas brothers. particulary nick jonas, the one with straight hair? hes the hot one, i guess. i wouldnt know. i find the disney channel disgusting, a disgrace to real culture.

tomorrow is friday! and then the weekend! maybe ill hang out with zach tomorrow afternoon...wow, im in bad shape to be thinking tgif on the first day of school.
love, kaatie.

excitement.

so its been a while, im sorry. i havent really been busy, since it was the weekend, but i dont know. i just didnt feel like getting on the computer. and i got in trouble for being online at all hours of the night...because my little sister totally ratted me out. she said it was because she was mad that i didnt ever spend any time with her, which doesnt make much since to me. youd think if she wanted some more sister time, shed like, kiss my ass or something, not try to get me in trouble. like, seriously. what good is that going to do? now i dont think ill be trusting her with much secret info. haha, because im a very mysterious person, and i keep alot of secrets. well, i do from some people. but im kinda the type of person that needs to tell at least one person something before i can chill about it. especially my little internal debates and ponderances. i think actually hearing myself say it to someone helps me sort out whether or not its actually ridiculous or if its like, something legit. usually actually ridiculous. but you know. theres those rare occurances.

so yesterday, i thought i would take the day off of golf, since everyday for the past 7 days id played 18+ holes. but then me and zach decided to play 9 at autumn ridge, and my dad tagged along, to like, meet him. which was cute. they shook hands when they were introduced, which is like, the awkwardest thing in THE entire world to watch. "nice to meet you, mr. phipps." wow. i was trying really hard not to laugh at that moment. other moments last night, i could not control random laughter, and heres why: zach is a terrible golfer. like, suuuper bad. but it was fun, nevertheless. i played somewhat amazingly, better than ive played in like, 2 weeks. probably because i was so relaxed. suprisingly, it wasnt all that awkward to have my dad there. except for the part where he almost kissed me in front of him. now that would have been wierd. like omg im scarred for life wierd. but no. everything was allll good. another perfect time spent with him...oh i dont think i blogged about how pissed i was that he didnt call me when he got home on saturday. my god, that was interesting. i walked around my house for about an hour like wringing my hands. i bet my bloodpressure was through the roof. then i called him to like, yell or be mad or whatever, and the second i heard his voice, it all melted. like, seriously. vanished. it sucked. well, maybe not, because i didnt want a fight. and he said he was sorry. usually, no matter how bad the incident is, a simple im sorry is all i need. on the flip side, though...if you dont apoligize using the actual words, im not likely to forgive you a hundred percent. just a little fun fact, for you.

school starts soon and im effing pumped. like, whoa. cant waiiit for those mixed grade classes :D and meeting new people...thats like, my favorite. and wearing all of my amazing new school clothes, of course. and using my new backpack. andddd haha i wont keep going. only two more days. wow, if i were normal, i wouldnt be this excited. but im not, so i am. ohh and im going to get my hair cut. like, actually short. like, just brushing my shoulders.. im excited. my grandma agrees with me that itll be cute..it was one of many things we discussed while shopping today. seriously, i think that i have one of the coolest gmas ever. she like, understands stuff [mainly boyfriends, and when i say understands,, i mean for real. shes so easy to talk to! i have no idea why my mom is the way she is]. it was great.

well, bed.
love, kaatie

pms is quite a bitch.

again, nothing happened today. and again, im so angry at absolutely nothing that i dont know what to do with myself. i was reading the joy luck club, my project book, but after about 250 pages, that got boring. that suprises me a little bit, because its one of my favorite books. amy tan is amazing. i wonder what shes like..i bet shes a lot like me, because i can identify with almost every single line of every book of hers that ive ever read. even the parts about moms and love, like in the bonesetter's daughter and the joy luck club. i thought that i was the only one who felt like this, but no. a chinese lady whose name is far more common than mine feels the same way. it makes me feel a little better, i guess, to read exactly what im thinking. because lately its been hard to voice exactly what that is? it sucks to feel something and then try to talk about it and not be able to say what youre thinking and then the conversation goes no where and then you just feel worse than you started off. believe me, i know. it happens about every time ive talked to zach lately, which isnt very lately. last night was the first time since he left for buffalo on tuesday. he said that he was going to dugans or pats or mikes tonight and that he would steal a phone and call me, but he wont. he never does, even when hes at home. oh well. ill sit with my phone right next to me turned up as loud as it can go and feel pathetic for yet another night. i still dont know exactly how i feel about him. i suppose i dont ever really have to figure that one out, though. but it sure would help alot. then we could spend our phone conversations talking about important stuff, instead of having those confusing, unsettling conversations that blur together so i cant remember what i actually said or just thought, what he actually said or i just wished he would say. ugh. wow.

i survived the first full week of golf! we got sixth in the northrop invitational, which makes our record 16-9, i think. something like that. were off this weekend, then back to colonial oaks on monday for a threeway with northrop and leo. which well lose, most likely. colonial is a bitch. anyway, more project to do. im almost done!
love, kaatie

wasting the last days of summer.

today wasnt even that bad, actually. so i dont know why i feel so bad. not bad. actually yes, bad. really bad. pissy, which is the worst kind of bad. i have to bite my tongue to keep from bitching at everyone who talks to me. well, once a month for about three days. so i guess this means that im a girl, and painfully on schedule.

not much happened today, so i dont have alot to talk about. the huntington north invitational was today and of course i played in that. i shot a 101 with 34 putts and 8 penalties. 2 pars and 1 birdie. as a team, we finished fourth out of twelve. which is decent, i guess, because the schools that beat us [huntington north, northrop, homestead] have good teams.

then i had a drive time with andrea, which was good, because shes super nice and alot like me. we talked about boys and gossiped and told stories from the past. actually, it might have been the highlight of my day. i love talking to nonjudgemental people who understand me. but maybe thats just me.

i miss zach. im tired. my back hurts. tomorrow is the northrop invitational at colonial oaks, so i think im going to turn in. sorry that this one was short and boring...i guess im just not in the mood.
love, kaatie

second somethings.

i cant say that im having second thoughts, because that phrase is reserved for breakups, or so it has always seemed to me. and i certainly dont want a breakup. quite the opposite, actually. what ive realized over the last several days is that ive let my guard down way too far. waaaay too far. im in too deep. red lights are flashing. retreat now, while you still can, katie, my smart side screams at the more innocent and much too trusting side of me. its weird though. half of me cant believe that i let myself fall this far for zach when he hasnt exactly always been the most reliable person in the world. the other half wonders what the hell happened to awake me from my headoverheelsness. i know the answer to that one: my parents. i guess since the last time they tried to tell me that i didnt know what love even was [umm, seventh grade maybe?] ive matured a little bit. and i have always been a thinker, so of course, five minutes later after the initial anger wore off, i started to mull that one over. was it possible, i reasoned to myself, that i wasnt in love with zach? that i only cared about him, like my mom said? i didnt come to any conclusions until today..actually thats not true. i said something a couple posts ago...'i lean on zach alot more than hes around'...something along those lines. and i do. really. and that is a huge problem. i think - no, im sure that i care about him waay more than he cares about me. it seems like its always tilted like that. we talked about this once, and he said that it wouldnt be slanted in this relationship. but it is, i can tell now. he doesnt call when hes in new york...im not sure whether its just convienient not to or hes too busy or something like that...i might just be jumping to conclusions on this one. but then again, maybe not. i dont want to feel desperate like this all the time...like i need to see him or talk to him. its just...uncomfortable. it scares me.

im not saying that i dont love him. he makes me feel a helluva lot, thats for sure. especially when im around him, but even when im not. this all just makes me realize that i need to stop looking into the future that we might not have together [but might. hopefully.] and start looking at the now. except....now i havent seen him in about two weeks and miss him like crazy. but also in the now: he comes home and gets his license on saturday. its thursday. maybe things are about to get good soon. who knows? ill just hope for the best, i guess.

carroll golf; record: 2-1. lost to norwell 189 to 197. tomorrow: huntington north invitational.

ima get some sleep.
love, kaatie

chaos!

this morning was crazy. honestly, you'd think that since it was all school related, things would have been a little bit organized. then again, i cant even find my way from the small auditorium to the student parking lot now because of all the construction. on top of that, the entire building is absolutely crawling with construction workers. i hope that this is no indication as to how the school year is going to go.

i got up this morning nonchalantly 45 minutes late. somehow, it didnt register to me that i was late, so i never really got the adrenaline rush that i usually get when im late to school [which is almost every morning]. in any case, i was ready in time but didnt get a chance to eat any breakfast, which isnt smart when you have to go play golf. so then i went over to the school and attempted to find the cafeteria through the maze of plywood and temp walls [it didnt help that i went in the wrong door]. anyway, i found it eventually. i got my schedule, and realized about one second later that it was messed up. they didnt give me spanish 3! which is quite an issue if im going to be going on an exchange junior year. so coach kollinger and i went to the guidance office to try and get that fixed, where we were yelled at for not waiting in line. so he yelled at the random secretary for a while, and then we left a note for my advisor, who wasnt there anyway. coach told me to get my stuff to my locker so we could get on the bus and go. so i was walking that way and delagrange, the athletic director, popped out of nowhere and attacked me. like, seriously, i thought she was going to kick my ass, because i didnt have my physical turned in yet. except..i had it in my hand. i was like, chill, woman, its right here. but of course, my mom forgot to fill out the back page. delagrange almost didnt let my play today, but it was eventually figured out. and i did play. good thing too: i shot a 49 for an overall 2nd place. we beat concordia and dwenger, which means that were 2-0. thats the best record carroll has ever had, i think. and we already have a better record than we did last year. so im pretty much pumped about the season.

theres little kids in my room and they want me to take them to the pool. so i might do that, just to keep my mind on happy things. i have that reading project to do too. soo.
love,kaatie

lukewarm.

i guess things turned out better than they could have, but not like i wanted them to go at all. at very least, my dad doesnt hate me. we ended up playing 9 and by the end of the round, everything was back to normal. my parents originally said that i couldnt go to zachs, but then changed their minds, but by that time it was too late. so i didnt get to see him either way. i guess thats what i get. i made the varsity golf team, which is good. but i have to get up at 6 tomorrow to register for school at 730 because we have matches all this week and theres no other time to do it, which is bad. the waking up early part, anyway. not the matches every day part, because i love those. i hatehatehate school pictures though. they always turn out bad, so why bother? because relatives have to frame them and show them to people even though they suck. dont you love old people? i know i do.

i dont like being told what i think and feel, especially by my mother who has never agreed on anything with me in my entire life. she tried to tell me that i didnt know what love was because im 15. and then she said that the feelings i had for zach were inappropriate, which only made me more mad. ugh, i dont know. im pretty sure that this is something. what else would it be but love? im a little confused. but i do know that i miss him. if things go as planned, it will have been about two weeks. that sucks. i just want to be older so parents didnt fuck everything up all the time. im so scared that one of these days hes just going to decide that its not worth it, like most guys do. that hes going to say, yeah, youre cool and everything, but im going to waste my time with someone who doesnt have crazy controlling parents who i can actually see regularly. that hes going to think that im not worth the trouble.

oh god.
love,kaatie

dr pepper leaves fizzies in your nose.

well, thats what this post was going to be called. i was thinking about what exactly i would write about while i was at the driving range with my dad. i was thinking it would be lighthearted but deep. we had a good time...talking about golf and hitting like a thousand balls and putting and talking and planning the season. we had a putting contest and he beat me by 2, as usual. one of us suggested playing 18 after the second day of tryouts tomorrow afternoon. could have been him, could have been me. he said that he could take the afternoon off of work to play golf with me. skiddlydoo. either 27 or 36 holes tomorrow, and some dad time. which i do, by the way, sincerely enjoy.

so i got home, and started to clean my golf clubs. i was talking to zach on the phone, because i didnt have any music to listen to because my mp3 player is still busted. anyway. so we were talking, and he told me that he was leaving for new york a day earlier than his parents originally said. that meant that if we were going to hang out at all before like, next sunday, it would have to be tomorrow. on top of not seeing him im more than a week as it is. so he asked me if i wanted to come over. and i did, obviously. still do, despite everything that happened in the next hour. in any case, i was pumped, and a little nervous [about being around his parents who i havent really met, about seeing him [he gives me butterflies!], about asking my parents and about them saying yes] so i didnt give the golf plans a second thought before i asked my mom. she said yes, if his parents would be there...and to go ask my dad about what time i should get picked up. so i went downstairs, and asked him, but he said no before i even finished talking. and then he was like, but were going golfing tomorrow. i dont really remember what else he said down in the basement but i know it ended with me going back upstairs to ask mom something else. i was just excited that my mom had said yes, at that point.

zach called back, we were talking for like a minute. then i heard that someone was picking up another phone downstairs, which pisses me off so incredibly much since we have jank ghetto phones anyway where conversations can be listened to. so i went down there, to see who the hell was trying to listen to my conversation. then my mom was like, you need to hang up now. so i did. [note: its not a good idea to let your parents hear you say i love you. which about the more ridiculous thing ive ever heard. i can love who i want.] and then my mom went on a mini tyraid about how i already had plans and i was being a jerk to cancel on my dad, and i was like, well i definately forgot. and then my dad played the whole 'you like him more than you like me' thing. which made me a little mad, because of course i love zach, but i love my dad. and he knows it. he also knows that im quite a careless person. i tried to explain to them exactly why i wanted to go over to zachs tomorrow. the response i got from both of them: "so?" it went on for quite a while..

ahhh, shit. i dont want to write about this anymore. i fought with my dad, and that never happens. so now im scared that i wont be able to see zach and that my dad hates me. i guess. i dont really know.
love, kaatie

she knew she'd shake it eventually.

i am absolutely jovial...its a welcome change. and i have absolutely no idea why! i take that back. i know quite a few reasons why: my headache is GONE! i got 11 hours of sleep last night. steven and i are back on the terms that we should be on. ashley and i are all good too. i ate a can of mega noodle soup for breakfast at 11oo this morning. i want to work for diddy premiers tomorrow. ive listened to about a girl aprox. 100 times in the last 24 hours. someone helped me realize that im a confident, smart individual with a good head on my shoulders that can make good decisions. and that my chucks are totally my favorite shoes that ive ever seen/owned in my entire life. i was home alone for quite a while this morning, doing nothing except coloring a replacement sign for ashley and doing laundry. all of that is just somehow...relaxing. its just what ive been needing.

so im going to take all of those and run with them. im going to make this week, and the week after that, great, so im in prime condition to start sophomore year. i want to make it as drama free as possible. like that would ever happen, but you know. its just a guideline, i suppose. i want to make sure i end up with more friends than i start with [which essentially means no more losing friends, because that sucks,] and not fail my hard classes. thats what im most worried about, i think. chem, algebra II, and honors english. speaking of which, i have a project to do before school starts. it shouldnt be too challenging, but it would definately suck to forget to do it. ill probably end up doing that while zach is in new york, since i wont be able to hang out him at all next week.

im rambling, which is a good sign, i guess. im gonna go watch my daddy play baseball.
love, kaatie

pointless.

i went to a family reunion today. it was really boring, except for the part where i met yet another cousin that i had no idea existed. his name is josh, he lives in iowa, he goes to a private highschool...blah. ive had a terrible headache for the entire day. it feels like something is squeezing my temples in. not fun. other than that, ive done absolutely nothing. nothing at all. except be a little mad because apparently i didnt get to gingers party quick enough or something [?]. oh well though. dont bother explaining that one to me, because i dont care. i know im just being pissy and itll blow over after i get some rest and my head stops being annoying.

i really want to talk to someone who will distract me enough to let me sleep for a little while. i know as soon as i get off of the computer im going to cry. i feel choked up a little even now. i want to shake this feeling, but its been like a week now. its starting to get old, and to annoy even me. i bet its even worse for those who have had to read about it in every single post. im sorry about that. but i havent been bothering anyone about it for real. maybe i need to do that...ill find someone to talk me out of it. jeez. i just need to be done pmsing already. and fall into a rhythm again. golf will help me with that, im sure.

i realize that this was a pointless post, lo siento. but really. this sucks. im going to go listen to we the kings, and try to sleep the whole night through for the first time since tuesday.
love, kaatie

warped was amazing!

warped was rather amazing. and although i could go on and on with stories, im super tired and still recovering. so ill give all of you a summary:

i met travis clark! and all time low, dreams of universities, and cobra starship. saw cobra starship, katy perry, we the kings, all time low, anberlin, angels and airwaves, charlotte sometimes, shwayze, the acadamy is..., and dr manhattan. about a girl is officially my new favorite song. travis is still my favorite ginger, maybe my favorite person in the world besides zach. there were a ton of hot guys. and there were tents for causes that i support: obama, peta [ok. maybe not so much anymore, because i puked in a trashcan by the peta tent and they laughed at me. i was like, yeah go help your animals while i have a heat stroke and puke because i cant keep water down because its so hot!], invisible children..and good music. im seriously considering going into merch now, because it would be effing sweet to go and hang out with all of these people all summer. to be on warped for the summer would be heavenly. after that, who cares? i will have just spent a summer with amazing bands and other cool people. zach WILL be getting his lip pierced, because lip piercings are like the sexiest things on the planet. i dont care what anybody says.

speaking of zach, hes going to cedar point without me, damnit! and back to new york :[ i miss him alot. and i love him alot more. i dont know why, but im extra emotional and moodswingy lately. if he was any less understanding, i dont know what i would do. the way he makes me feel but doing nothing but existing, and just the way he listens to me babble...thats whats holding me together right now.

there was something else i wanted to write, but i dont remember anymore. random things: i need a new mp3 player. i hate it when people copy me. kelsey is really funny. golf tryouts went sorta badly, even though i know im not going to get cut. still, im a little nervous for monday. i reallyreally want to see the dark knight. there isnt much to do at my house..HAHAHA.. insider. umm.. strange moods spawn strange thoughts. and ive definately been thinking some wierd shit lately.

warped was among the greatest experiances of my life. i hugged gabe saporta TWICE and travis signed my shoe and then told me that he loved me! yay. anyway, im falling asleep. peace, lovers!
love, kaatie