downward spiral.

i feel like things are getting a little bit [a lot, actually] out of control. i cant seem to get a grip or even understand whats going on. things are going way to fast for me to comprehend, and i cant make enough sense of the present to stop them. so essentially, im powerless to all of this. of course, if i could just wake up and say no, or at least say something, i might be able to keep my life from slipping entirely from my grasp. everything seemed fine this week, but i think that thats because i had school to distract me from whats going on inside my head. i dont know what i was thinking: everything is about as far from perfect as it could me. things with ethan are approaching freight train speeds. i dont think that anyone understands that. not sarah, even though shes been trying to help me from the beginning. definately not caylin. i dont know whats up with her lately. she always seems a little involved with her stress, and worried about all the wrong things. maybe i should try that...worrying about all the unimportant things. or maybe its the opposite, and im the one that should be thinking about different stuff. either way, she wont listen. i cant talk to ethan. ill explain that in a minute. i think ashley is in such a state that she wouldnt even want to listen. janna...maybe. but not likely. besides, i dont want to extend my drama into their weekend. its supposed to be the best three days of their lives, after all.

ethan is different than any guy that ive ever talked to, much less dated. way different. and to be perfectly honest and clear, i am absolutely scared to death. the way he sees it, you should only go out with people you truely care about, and said relationships should last a long time. kisses should mean something every time, and if it doesnt mean something, you shouldnt be doing it. hes almost ridiculously romantic. and i know, about a week ago, i was praying that i could find someone like that, but man, is this hard to grasp. that someone could actually be more into love and romance than i have always been. or previously was, as im starting to think. i guess its back to the upper hand thing that i talked about a long time ago. yes, if i date him, ill have it. but at the same time, i couldnt bear to be in control because of the sincerity that hes putting into all of this. thats not going out, its getting married. and at this point, at least, im not ready for that kind of commitment. not at all. that might be because one week ago, i was totally and completely shattered, but still. its highschool. this is not the time...if there ever is a time. and i dont see someone like him and someone like me staying together. once again, im dipping below those standards that i set for myself, trying to make it so i wouldnt go out with any more of those guys that only piss me off. hes not as bad as steven, but still. all of this is just freaking me out. i want it all to stop, to just go away. actually, what i want is zach. badly. not going to lie.

speaking of zach and stressing me out, who the hell does this taylor lamphier think she is? she actually messaged me on facebook and tried to play it off like she didnt do anything, and neither did zach. that everything was just peachy. she said sorry about twelve times in a twelve line conversation. it was extremely sketchy and only made me more mad, and all the more curious. obviously, she did something. and honey, if you tell me that you hate to think that someone doesnt like you, i am going to go out of my way to make sure whoever plays with you on tuesday gives you that impression. and the entire carroll team, for that matter. i know they will too [except maybe GoBlah, but no one likes her. everyone else has my back] i hope it effects your golf game, taylor. a fair trade for fucking up my life.

i wish i could sleep without dreaming. but maybe better, now that ive gotten this off my chest.
love, kaatie