low.

life is confusing sometimes. it seemed like i knew exactly where i was going. i saw it. i was close. but then i glanced away, and when i looked back up, i couldnt see my destination anywhere? where had it gone? i asked myself, and then i realized that i couldnt even remember where i had been going.

i still cant.

i was running headlong for freedom, counting the days until i turn sixteen then eighteen then to the day i graduate. i dont even remember a time when i didnt. i couldnt wait to get out of this house, away from my parents, away from the restriction and opression and whathaveyou. i couldnt wait to be on my own, where i didnt have to fake anything for my parents. where i wasnt pressured to do things i dont really care about. where i could just be me, for me. so i could be with who i wanted to be with. now it feels like all of that is vain and selfish, and a little cruel to my parents. maybe a little stupid, and immature. ive never felt like this in my life. maybe it has something to do with being called closed minded, a slut, arrogant, and condescending all on the same day by my dad, who was previously my only ally in this house. its just an eye opener, i guess...maybe im a bitch, maybe im closed minded. maybe i love zach a lot too much. those are all likely possibilities. but all of these new thoughts dont really get me anywhere: all i really want is to not be pressured in golf, to spend more time with my friends, and to see zach more. and my parents are being obnoxiously stubborn and adminstering guilt trips left and right, making me feel like what theyre saying is actually legit.

ugh. everyone must think that im absolutely retarded for having another one of these parent fight posts the effing day after one about being happy, and feeling invincible and whatnot. it always happens like that though: one day high, the next low, the next night im crying myself to sleep, then im feeling loved and on top of the world. today did have one good part though: ethan and i sorta bonded. and it was pretty cool. im beginning to love first period. y yo no se porque a mi me gusta. es raro, no? ;]
love, kaatie