stress point.

i guess things never are the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you wish for them to be right or what way you spin it. i guess, in complete actuality, you really cant ever win. im to the point where i would give just about anything to forget that i ever met zach, and go back to life how it was. i dont remember anything ever hurting this much for so long in my entire life. its making me a little bit crazy, to be honest. i cant do anything, think of anything. everything reminds me of him. and now, its not that im mad at him or whatever, or shocked that it happened. im past that part, i think. i just really want it to not have happened at all. i really want to know what hes saying to taylor and hilary and what hes thinking, since he hasnt really told me anything. but thats like beating my head against a brick wall. i guess i just need to accept that, and move on. but its just so hard! like i want to forget him. i want to be past it. to look back and laugh. but obviously, remembering isnt forgetting. will he ever be completely in the past? its hard to say, but im doing my damndest to put him there as quickly as my...i dont know what - pride, my bleeding heart? my reasoning? anyway - will allow. all of this has created a stress point: bend it too far, and im going to snap.

it seems as though my days have turned into a whirl of emotion and pain and confusion. among the things that make it worse: ethan, and the need he feels for a serious, very committed relationship, and the way hes about to guilt me into it by being so freaking nice and sweet and caring all the time. ken, being so perfect but so far away, who crashed into my life i think to distract me from the way i feel. believe me, if i could walk to him in chicago, i would. forrr sure. ashley, and how i thought that maybe she would have said something by now, because it seemed like things might have been coming around with janna. golf, and how i suck at it when im stressed out, which is all the time these days. i picked today to cry my eyes out, instead of the day that something actually happened or that some certain people said stuff to me. maybe because its all finally feeling real. god. im remembering again. i need to like, do something to get my mind off of this. like sleep for about a month and wake up free and able to drive and do whatever i want. free to get away from this place and the baggage that seems to be tied up here.

cheer me up.
love, kaatie