the unanswerable question of femininity.

it is at times like these that i ask myself a question that can not be answered with a statement or even a soliloquy. the question is: WHY the fuck do you put yourself in these situations? readers, fans, friends, stalkers and ex flames might be having the same thought: here we go again. but honestly, i would like someone to help me out! i dont like my little emotional roller coaster. i actually absolutely hate it. all of this crushing and liking people and then not liking them and being mad or creeped out...its stupid and it needs to not happen anymore. i think that im lonely and am the kind of person that likes the security and challenge of being in a relationship, but its kinda obvious that im not the the point where i can hold one down for a respectable amount of time. either im too mature [not likely] or im a very subtle type of immature that results in me just acting way to cool to be a teenager without any idea of how to be in a relationship or function in the real world [very likely]. im too picky, also. that might be part of my problem. the other part of my problem is that I AM QUITE OBSESSED WITH THIS NEW CRUSH thats in my fifth period. i can see us together and so can sarah. but that never works, and the friendship is left in shambles. what am i to do? it kinda seems to me like our 'relationship' [my crush and my relationship, that is] is headed out of friendville very quickly based on the amount of random conversations that he initiates [good sign! :D]. im not sure if im ready for that.

ah. ok. now that thats out there. today was pretty boring. i texted all day and did basically nothing, except in fashion ms mulligan talked about the advanced fashion course at carroll and it basically sounds like the most exciting thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. so im pumped for that. in homeroom i audited a religious debate between a questioning christian, a reform jew, an agnostic, and a hardcore lutheran. needless to say, homeroom is about to be the best 30 minutes of the week. i practiced really well at golf...i was hitting my irons so well and super straight. and my putting is very much improved. my goal for this weekend [the regional tournament!] is to shoot an 87 or lower. thats a 46 41 split, and thats very achievable. im so excited, and nervous at the same time. i hope that this goes well and we make it to state. i really really do.

im about to go work on my colored pencil drawing that im absolutely sick to death of, but ill probably come back and vent again. jeez. i cant believe that i get sucked into this all the time. maybe ill become a cat lady...except i hate cats.
love, kaatie