things that matter and things that dont.

i know some things: kissing my boy makes my head spin and my heart race. steven scott grim is my best friend and i would be absolutely nothing without him. newspaper class is absolutely amazing. my life has its little ups and downs, but is absolutely amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

my first story is silly, and trivial. today, karri mentioned a secret and i mentioned it to mil, and he obviously had one, so i like finally got it out of him. apparently, like last tuesday, he was in earthspace science and this girl came up to him and asked him if he was dating me. and for some random reason he said no. probably because we'd been going out for less than twenty four hours and people had been asking us both for the entire month we'd been talking. my guess is, he answered automatically, like he was used to. which is fine with me, personally. because going out doesnt make you a part of eachother. thats what time does. but anyway, as soon as he said it, he started to freak out. because apparently, he thought that his subconcious was trying to tell him that he didnt want to really be with me, which was not the case, as ive been assured by karri. but he made a huge deal about it and i thought it was funny. ohh, boys and their silly ideas. but honestly, things with us couldnt be better.

but this is serious. nick lytle, my favorite baby daddy and best friend ever, told me something that made me cry and made me scared and is making me not want to sleep for the rest of my life. he said that steven wants to kill himself. and i dont really know what to do. immediately, i thought of similar events and about how ive been in this situation before. i told someone, and ultimately, they were alright. it took a while, and it took tears and hard work, but it paid off. so i want to tell someone. but then...steven is different. hes depressed and does drugs and is into all the wrong things, and doesnt care about much of anything that matters. i dont know what would happen if i told someone what was going on with him. he would obviously get help, but wouldnt he get in trouble also? would his parents even be supportive? would they care? but the smarter side of me wants to go to someone first thing in the morning, and talk to them about it. i know this is serious, every health class ive ever talken has drilled this into my head. but im scared...to lose him as a friend, but i guess if i dont do anything, i might lose him completely. and i dont know if i could ever recover from that. he told nick he was giving it a year.

i guess i know what i have to do, but i dont know how to do it. im crying and im scared, and thinking about it makes it all the more real to me. it makes me wonder if i could have prevented this somehow. actually, it makes me wonder something very specific: if we were together, would any of this be happening? someone help me.

love, kaatie