second somethings.

i cant say that im having second thoughts, because that phrase is reserved for breakups, or so it has always seemed to me. and i certainly dont want a breakup. quite the opposite, actually. what ive realized over the last several days is that ive let my guard down way too far. waaaay too far. im in too deep. red lights are flashing. retreat now, while you still can, katie, my smart side screams at the more innocent and much too trusting side of me. its weird though. half of me cant believe that i let myself fall this far for zach when he hasnt exactly always been the most reliable person in the world. the other half wonders what the hell happened to awake me from my headoverheelsness. i know the answer to that one: my parents. i guess since the last time they tried to tell me that i didnt know what love even was [umm, seventh grade maybe?] ive matured a little bit. and i have always been a thinker, so of course, five minutes later after the initial anger wore off, i started to mull that one over. was it possible, i reasoned to myself, that i wasnt in love with zach? that i only cared about him, like my mom said? i didnt come to any conclusions until today..actually thats not true. i said something a couple posts ago...'i lean on zach alot more than hes around'...something along those lines. and i do. really. and that is a huge problem. i think - no, im sure that i care about him waay more than he cares about me. it seems like its always tilted like that. we talked about this once, and he said that it wouldnt be slanted in this relationship. but it is, i can tell now. he doesnt call when hes in new york...im not sure whether its just convienient not to or hes too busy or something like that...i might just be jumping to conclusions on this one. but then again, maybe not. i dont want to feel desperate like this all the time...like i need to see him or talk to him. its just...uncomfortable. it scares me.

im not saying that i dont love him. he makes me feel a helluva lot, thats for sure. especially when im around him, but even when im not. this all just makes me realize that i need to stop looking into the future that we might not have together [but might. hopefully.] and start looking at the now. except....now i havent seen him in about two weeks and miss him like crazy. but also in the now: he comes home and gets his license on saturday. its thursday. maybe things are about to get good soon. who knows? ill just hope for the best, i guess.

carroll golf; record: 2-1. lost to norwell 189 to 197. tomorrow: huntington north invitational.

ima get some sleep.
love, kaatie