im in love with noah calhoun.

once when i was thirteen years old, i was at my best friends house, and we watched a movie. actually, i was there alot, and actually, we watched about a thousand amazing movies. but one time, i fell in love and lost my faith, all at once. it was a graceful fall, a painless demise. and a happy ending, dont get me wrong. i watched the notebook for the first time fell head over heels, flat on my face, for noah calhoun.

today i went through my usual swing of emotions: happy and carefree at caylins. jovial [haha] and frustrated on the golf course with my daddy. insanely mad beyond belief at zach, then not, but of course, not with him. and then...loved, and not, at the same time, watching the notebook. and now im left with an emotional hangover. a mix of all of those. mostly just tired, and a little fed up. and missing him too much, as usual. i dont know. watching the notebook makes me cry every single time i watch it, because its such a powerful movie. i want a love like that. actually, thats about all i want right now..someone to want me so bad that it hurts, that he cant sleep at night, that its all he thinks about. i dont think that allie hamilton was a stupid girl when she fell in love that summer, nor do i think she was stupid to go back to noah. i think that loving him with everything she had was simply what she had to do. not had to because someone was making her. just because it was going to happen. i think that loving like this, recklessly, when it hurts me, makes me far stupider than she could ever be. this time, i cried hard. and only because i realized that. it was one of those times that you think about everything thats happening, and how much you wish it could stop, and you feel powerless to it all and sort of lose yourself for a moment. and but the world keeps turning, and you with it.

i figure there are two kinds of crying: the kind that hurts your body, and the kind that hurts you. i think i get too much of the kind that hurts me. and thats why i dont mind doing it anymore. it makes people ask. and its so much easier to tell when someone asks. thats all i really need. i wish zach read this, so he would see what im thinking, and i wouldnt have to tell him. maybe then he could evaluate for himself if he really is the guy for me..the guy i hope to god that he is...that its only the circumstance thats making our relationship like this.

tonight, im going to try something new. instead of imagining myself with zach as i fall asleep certainly very alone in my bed, im going to not imagine anyone. im going to try to be strong, and not let him rule me. because he doesnt really have any real power over me, right?
love, kaatie