i thought i could kid myself.

the next one will be my 50th post, which is pretty nifty, in my opinion. ive kept this up for quite a while now, and so many things have changed. like that intro post is only about half true, i think. i dont know. i havent read it in a while. actually, i havent read anything old for a while. but i definately think i should, so i have something to laugh at. maybe i should recap some of those moments that i was previously so angry with zach, to try to relight that fire. because getting over him is definately not going to be as easy as i thought. actually, its going to be very, very hard. i dont know what it is about him, either. hes not that special. he never called me back when he said he would. just generally not that great. he was awkwardly tall, too. its wierd though, because after what he did, i just kinda figured i would hit the ground running, bounce right back, and be happy right away. which is not going to happen. i miss him, despite everything. and what i said a few posts ago, that i was just a little pissed, is a lie. im more than a little pissed. i didnt cry that day. i was trying so hard to just be brave. but now its not on my mind all the time. but remember those little things that all reminded me of him? how they used to make my day? well, all those little things about made me cry today. every single one. i swear to goodness, ive never felt so pathetic, or weak. he cheated, for the love of god. i should still be seething two days later. i should be so pissed. way incredibly angry. but im not. because i know deep down, that i still love him. and i probably always will.

but that doesnt mean that im not trying. i know what i want, so im going to use this to my advantage. i know im shallow, and semi attractive is a minimum. and semi fashionable. but that you can change, i suppose. he must be mature, and sweet. but not disgustingly so. theres always a balance. i also know that i need my space, and if i dont get my space im a very unhappy person. whoever is so lucky to date me next better not make me the center of his universe. that pisses me off like no other. he better do other stuff besides text me all the time. be busy sometimes. and i like kissing. alot. thats kindof important, i think. im pretty chill about who i date, obviously. so, as long as ethan fits the bill, i think i may be all set. except for one thing. i seem to be quite stuck on the past. i never saw a reason not to say i love you. like, its usually no big deal for me, because i tend to throw myself at whoever im with at a particular time. and fast isnt a word that i would have used to describe ethan, say, yesterday. but my god. one hug [which was, to say the least, the best hug ive ever recieved in my life. from anyone. and while it was a nice change to not be a whole foot shorter, i definately missed that adorable awkwardness for a split second before he said it. and i was like, no. that is not ok. because i still think that i love zach. and thats why im so confused.

but i guess itll be better as time passes. maybe.
love, kaatie