mood swing, captured in writing.

im so mad right now its hard to figure out exactly what i want to write about tonight.

i take that back..im not exactly made, anymore. its more of an intense hate for drama and and immaturity and all problems associated with it. this summer has been the most dramatic in my entire life, by far. its even worse than highschool, actually, which is kindof pathetic. theres the whole steven thing, yeah. but then theres a separate ashley-caylin-zach thing that was going on for more than a month that just sucked. totally sucked. because when your two best friends have a problem with eachother and one of them hates your boyfriend, what the hell do you even do? what do you SAY? i guess its mostly my fault for letting it go on this long, because it didnt occur to me until tonight that i should have just talked it out with ashley to find out what the actual problem was. im so glad that i did though, because the problem is solved. i think. i hope. because i miss ashley so much. our insiders, the way that she just like, gets me. i cant give up zach and caylin, but id do just about anything i had to to get ashley to just be my best friend again. [hashbrown, if youre reading this: i love you.] but were putting all of that in the past. so, as of right now, its officially buried.

i feel a little better now, but i can feel the empty feeling gnawing at the pit of my stomach. im talking to zach though, and it helps. i think that of all the relationships ive ever been in, this is by far the best. he gets me, and i can actually see myself with him in a year. in five years. like, its a plausible thing..him and i staying together. and we talked about it today...about it being long term and stuff like that. i just wish...i dont know. words are pretty powerful for me. and i know how i feel about him. i could tell him how he makes me feel. it bounces around in my head constantly..every second of every day. but like i said earlier, if he told me, it would make me feel better. if he told me that we would last and that he wasnt going to like, change his mind about how he feels about me, it would make me so much more secure..i wouldnt worry half as much. maybe thats what this feeling is...insecurity. like my life is loose, unfixed, uncertain. like its balanced at the edge of a cliff. and maybe these problems are like strong winds, pushing me a little closer towards the edge. its that second of panic when i dont realize that i have people that will always be there to make sure i dont fall.

i feel better, because i definately figured something out thats pretty cool. so heres to the people i love...that will always love me back.
love, kaatie