a bad movie scene.

who listens to classical music? who goes to the hallmark store searching for a birthday card and returns with an 80s cd [which is fabulous. i love the 80s] and a classical cd in tow? who does that? who listens to that shit? my mother, thats who. but this is not to bag on her wacky musical tastes, although i could talk about that in great length. classical music. beethoven, handel, bach. no words. i didnt think anything of it, until today.

i might have mentioned this already: im a music addict. it regulates my moods, helps me sort out how i feel, keeps me interested, keeps me out of trouble even, sometimes. im listening to music right now [boys of summer by the ataris], trying to sort out exactly how i feel. ive listened to alot and know what i like [punk and indie rock] and what i dont like [country! hiphop and rap], and what is tolerable [top 40, r&b]. but i cant say that ive ever been a fan of or even tried classical. the way music speaks to me is through lyrics..and classical music severely lacks those. so it was bypassed. today i realized that music can speak in other interesting [if not ironic] ways.

it felt like a scene from a bad movie. tense, horrible. there was classical music playing innocently as we drove out of the subdivision. recap: my mom was pissed that i didnt clean anything up when she was at the gym, i was talking on the phone for an extended period of time and then forgot to tell me i was supposed to watch her taco shells. i heard the timer, and admitted it, but seriously. how was i to know? anyway. then my sister got grilled for something stupid, me and jackie were conspiring against her, then i asked mom if zach could meet me there. a series of harmless events? [WRONG!!] so we were fighting. when we fight [which is often] i usually kinda let her say what she wants to say and respond minimally, if at all. and usually what she wants to hear is what i say. but today i was furious. she doesnt care that i havent seen zach for 3 weeks, she doesnt care if shes being a bitch, and she doesnt care if what she says hurts me. that makes me mad. so i let loose, and said some things i regret. some mean shit, in other words. but being quiet almost hurts worse than being called selfcentered and stupid... so she decided to tell me and my sister exactly why she makes the little things into a big deal.

she said that since she got married and had kids, she has existed soley for us. she doesnt have a job or go and do things she enjoys. she works in the kitchen, does laundry, and is involved in what me and jackie do: clubs, sports, activites... she feels like thats her entire life. so the little things to me [letting the taco shells burn] are big things to her..because theyre her whole world. she said that her life consists of small things.

it made me cry, and for once, my brain could think of no song, phrase, quote, or word to describe how it made me feel inside. i still cant. all i can think about is how that damn wordless classical turned fast and angry so fast after it was fluffy and light. sometimes in life, i guess there are no words.

im just so confused.
love, kaatie