i need a rewind button.

this morning i woke up with a strange sense that something was going to happen today. something good or bad, i dont know. but something. the losers bracket of the softball tournament that SC thunder is playing in is cancelled, which means that we worked hard and came out with a win yesterday was for nothing, and that i have nothing to do today. my dad and sister left for the 12U softball world series today. which is exciting, i suppose. except now im here all week with just my mom. which is significantly not exciting, because we dont get along that well most of the time. oh well, though.. ive always survived before.

steven is causing me alot of stress right now..definately more than hes worth. people who i talk to regularly have heard me say over and over that i dont want to talk to him ever again, because hes dumb pothead and more trouble than hes worth. im sure zach is tired of hearing about him because i dated steven before i dated him. not that anything good came from it, but still. i [somehow] can be a jealous person, so i can see how that subject could be awkward for him. even so, he listens, and that helps, but now i feel like im just being dramatic. the stuff he says though! hell text me in the middle of the night and be like, i cant stop thinking about you, or another time, i really want to sleep with you. this, coming from [formerly] my best friend is disturbing. theres no other way to put it. honestly, if i could go back to may 3rd to when we were sitting under caylins window in the grass watching the stars and lightning and talking about life and love and fear and change, i would. i would take back all of the things i said to him because i thought i could trust him. i wouldnt believe anything he said that night, how he told me not to worry, how he told me that nothing and everything would change at the same time. i wouldnt kiss him, if i could do it all again. but i cant. now im faced with this constant drama or losing a friend that ive told everything. all in all, i do miss talking to him. itll work itself out eventually..i hope.

when i think about it, it seems that my life is a series of constant struggle rarely graced by moments of peace and contentment. sort of how my golf game is mostly recovery from bad shots. maybe thats what life is all about - struggling against what the universe casts your way, recovering safely from that plight.

maybe im not getting enough sleep.
love, kaatie