contemplations.

i was thinking today while i should have been concentrating on the golf tournament and softball game, and i decided that not a lot of people know who i really am. over the years, ive some how [well, i know how] built up this goodygoody image. the girl who gets straight a's. the girl who does the right thing. the girl who plays it safe. but how far from the real me could they be? i love to take risks. i slack in school. i dont believe in some of the things that i used to believe in. the thoughts though - the actual realization that no one knows who i really am - scared me. does that mean im fake? or reserved? i want people to hear katie phipps and say: she knows what she stands for. but at the same time, i just want to be me. does anyone else have this problem?

i also contemplated the future, freaking myself out as usual. for the past couple of years, all ive been focused on was graduating and getting gone. leaving. never setting foot in this stupid city ever again. that was my plan, so solid, set in stone. but then i met this dumb boy who i cant seem to forget about even for a second..who wants to stay instate for college. WHAT am i going to do if we stay together? i dont like to worry, but ive definately made a career of it lately. long term relationships are great. i can totally see myself with him. so what im really trying to ask myself is this: do i love this boy enough to rearrange my entire life plan just to be with him? how much am i willing to change? back to the upper issue! do i want to change who i am? the answer is no, basically, but i cant deny that things have happened that have changed me. they dulled my trust and forced me to grow up really fast. i cannot say that people to not have an influence me as a person honestly. anyone that thinks they can should seriously reevaluate that.

since im getting closer to being on my own, im rethinking what i believe in and what i dont believe in. thats for another day, though. this is the sort of braindump that will amuse me for a few minutes in about a month or so. who knows, maybe it will help me reach a breakthrough. anyway, sleep well.
love, kaatie