jumbled, lo siento.

"i dont want us to operate by assumptions. I want us to look at each other every morning and ask, 'who is this person im so lucky to love?'" *amy tan
that is what i want. someone to wonder if they deserve me, like i wonder sometimes. love is something that i dont think should even be taken for granted.

i dont know why i feel so scared. or even if i feel scared. this is something.

sometimes i wish that life was in black and white. no gray, no uncertain. i wish i could write everything down on my calandar like i schedule my lessons, games, and practices. i worry about the future, about being happy, and being hurt. i dont like to worry, but thats who i am, i suppose.

i feel sad and happy and confused and lonely and loved and completely ridiculous at the same time. i want to crawl into bed and sleep until next saturday, but i know if i lay down ill toss and turn and think and wont fall asleep for a long time. maybe i just need a hug. maybe i just want someone to tell me how much im needed. maybe i just need to get through it...

am i a shallow person? i wondered that today. i dont think i am, but i caught myself wondering if what i was about to do would effect the way people thought of me. i can easily say that i care what other people think about me. ill ponder this. yay, more thinking. ill pencil that one in for the weekend. jeez. i wonder if i have an anxiety disorder. there might be a reason for this randomness.

its hard to write in my condition so im gonna give it a rest.
love, kaatie