an empty feeling.

in my native tounge, this is called a crash. youre speeding, racing...pressing forward harder and harder. everything around you is blurred. you cant think, you cant breathe. your world is a swirl of light and color and sound. but then suddenly, it stops. you collide with something, someone, an unknown force that you didnt see before. you still cant breathe, but now you need to. you were thrown into the icy water and its filling your mouth, you know that inhaling is impossible but you want the air so badly...you need it. so you breathe. and everything goes black.

i consider myself a happy person, for the most part. nights like tonight are the exception. ive been alone all night. its about midnight now. it must be the perfect mix of a good day with some forgotten feelings. throw in sweet relief, a little love, this perfect quiet, too much thought, aspirations, hopelessness, and desire. add fear. get this. the empty feeling. i tried to explain it to nick once. he thought he understood, but what he described back to me wasnt quite the feeling i get. ill try again: its not that im not happy. and im definately not sad. its just...i think about things that i have and that i want and that will or wont happen, and i just get...this. its like things toss and tumble around in my head and my emotions expand and overlap until theyve bled together to make a sort of non-feeling. an emptyness, because nothing is strong enough to overpower anything else. this is why i hate the night, but love it. ive always had trouble sleeping and i probably always will because anytime im not conciously involved in something that requires my attention, i think. about everything. an intellect, you could possibly call me, but its not that as much as its an anxiety. i want everything to go right...sometimes when i think too much about one thing, something more important gets overlooked. anyway. this feeling breeds rash decisions and great poetry. it makes me feel like writing and crying. if i could bottle it up, i think the empty feeling would help me be sucessful in any creativity-based industry i picked. i wish i had someone to talk to about this, like, actually talk. no one. so i tell you, sweet readers. thanks.

actually, i feel a little better than i did five minutes ago. and a thousand percent better than i did last night. i talked to zach tonight, and im not mad. i never really was mad...i wanted to be, but with a boy like that, i more often than not overrule that tendency. anyway. hes coming home monday. yay! the golf thing was interesting..me and ethan talked alot more than i expected us to, because of the way we ended freshman year. all we did was talk though, and thats all were going to do from now on. i was [surprise!] thinking about it earlier, and yeah, we have a lot of chemistry. we always have. there are things about him that i really like. there are things about him that ill probably never forget. but then theres those reasons that we will never work. i learned my lesson the first time, when i got caught up in that chemistry and sort of forgot why i ended our relationship the first time. as soon as we got back together, i remembered exactly why i didnt want to go out with him. i will not date ethan myers again because i dont want to put myself through it again. yes, people deserve another chance, 95 percent of the time. but no, i will not compromise myself to please someone else. another lesson ive learned. oh. and maddie broke up with her wierdo boyfriend andrew the band fag. skiddlydoo.

blogging seems to be a good treatment for The Feeling. my other wierd thing i do when i feel like this is watch old episodes of The Hills. strange, right? its a show about materialistic dramatic party girls who get into trouble and never learn. but it actually calms me down. and, believe it or not, i actually sort of admire lauren conrad. i know what she went through with heidi and spenser. its so hard, she [like i did] managed to pick up the pieces and continue on. something about the way she lives, too, just makes me wish i was her. the parties, the friends, especially the internship and FIDM. thats what i want to do when i get older. get gone, head to new york city, and totally start my life as a declared, independent person. no baggage. no worries.

if anyone else has a strange empty lonely feeling at this time of night, hit me up. or give me advice, at least. sleep good, lovelies.
love,kaatie