the girl who stared into the sun.

there was a girl who was afraid. she lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood on the good side of town. so did most of her friends. they went to a school where the biggest problems were drama and drugs. she tried to avoid both, for the most part, because whenever she looked around, she saw the problems that those things caused for people. she was good at seeing people for what they were and tried to learn from what she observed. sometimes it helped, sometimes it didnt. but she gained some insight from it, and that never hurt anyone.

she wasnt popular, but she did seem to have a lot of friends, because she was involved in a lot of things. she was smart and talented and she loved to be the best at what she did, so she worked hard and most of the time she accomplished just that. sometimes, she did it just for the satisfaction that people looked up to, admired, or envied her. all she had to do was think about those things, and she would grit her teeth and get through it. things she didnt excel at, she quit.

when she was alone, the scared girl sometimes felt very lonely. she cried and cried at night and wondered why people hated her for no reason. was she too good? not good enough? too ugly, fat, pretty? she thought about it until she was exhausted and drifted into a tormented sleep. but still she wondered strange things. if she died, who would cry? if she was sick, who would notice she was gone from school? she felt wierd for thinking about, and tried to push it from her mind.

for a long time, boys were something of an accessory to her. she went from crush to crush, her mind daring to entertain thoughts of the future with some of them. many of them liked her more than she liked them, and she got bored with that quickly. she wanted to need someone, to feel her throat close and her heart beat fast if they even thought of leaving her. she wanted to be in love. after a few years of immature flings, she started to give up. but then on random chance, she met a boy. he was sweet and sensitive and kind. he said exactly what she imagined someone like him would say. he made her feel special. and after a long time, she decided that she loved him. and she prayed to everything she could think of that he loved her back.

time passed, but slowly, the same thoughts crept in. did he love her like she loved him? did he care about her? what would he do if she killed herself? or was he like she had often been...bored and annoyed by his over obsessed girlfriend. she hated herself for worrying but wondered about it alot. she worried about alot of things those days, especially the future.

then she had a really terrible day. she walked outside and layed down in the grass and stared into the sun. her eyes burned and her head ached. a tear rolled down her cheek. but she didnt look away. her vision faded to black but she kept her eyes open and didnt look away. finally, a cloud passed in front of the sun. she sat up, everything pulsing bright and dim, and went inside. nothing was better, but she figured that eventually, it would be ok.

love, kaatie