labels make it lame.

this is aproximately whats running through my mind right now:

warped warped warped warped warped. travis clark. warped. scene scene travis. we the kings, all time low, forever the sickest [TRAVIS!] kids, katy perry, charlotte sometimes, motion city soundtrack, cobra starship, anberlin, dr manhattan, the acadamy is, mayday parade. we the kings. travis. yum. redhead, travis. we the kings. warped.

im so excited. as you can probably figure out by yourself. like, this is the most excited ive every been in my entire life. actually, maybe not. well, probably. i was pretty pumped before honda civic last year [fall out boy, +44, cobra starship, the acadamy is..] but i didnt even get to go because fall out boy's plane got delayed in new york. the whole concert was moved to the next tuesday. i happened to be in jamiaca that day [which made me feel a little better, since at least i was doing something exciting. and to make me feel any better about missing that sort of event [pete and gabe!] it better be pretty damn fun]. ohh well. fall out boy got lame like 5 minutes later. so i guess i saved myself 50 dolla and the embarassment of actually seeing them sing their new batch of songs written for the radio. not getting to see gabe...now that was killer. i got a sweet t out of the deal though!

i have the perfect little scenester outfit for this adventure, which i think ive already described so im not going to describe it again. i think ill fit in with the emo kids pretty well..haha. people that call themselves emo are among the most halarious people on the planet. theyre all about noncomformity and thats great. i respect them for that. but they all look exactly the same! AND theyre all about 14 years old. and they think theyre better than everyone else on the planet. [this is not stereotyping, i swear. im talking about the ones who actually give themselves this title.] i mean, you'd think a group of kids with sweet hair and sweet clothes and sweet makeup would at least me cool. but i guess when you throw in the fact that they toke up twelve times a day and are dumb as rocks, and do bad in school, and are destined to be god knows what when they outgrow being scene. i should start a new generation of scene kids: smart, introspective, and political...keeping the music and hair and clothes, and of course, the eyeliner and dyed hair. because it just wouldnt be scene without if. i guess you could sum it up like this: labels make everyone lamer. so dont call yourself an emo, prep, jock, or geek. call yourself you!

im proud to be a lover, an artist, a girlfriend, an experimenter, a golfer, a catcher, an eventer, a forward, an explorer, a writer, an arguer, a politician, a reader. a cupcake stripper. a smartie. a good friend.

you can call me any of those, because thats what i am.
love, kaatie.

purpose.

ive been thinking about purpose. not the classic 'why am i here, what am i supposed to accomplish with my life.' that has never really been an issue for me because i dont really care what i was 'predestined' to do. im going to live it moment by moment, not actively trying to change the world. i want to change the world by just being me, and doing what i want to do. i dont have that overwhelming need to feel important like some people, but i do think that some of my ideas could be key to making the world better. not pompously, of course, but i see things differently than other people. i think thats why its so crucial for me to express the way i feel, whether if be with a drawing, a photograph, or a poem. i just want my ideas to get out there. thats why i have this blog, i suppose.

that was a tangent. back to the original train of thought: the purpose of what i do. for a teenager, i have a strangely packed schedule. hard classes at school. newspaper. golf. softball. hockey. riding. finding ways to generate money, be it a job or babysitting. then theres just being a teen: movies, mall, hanging out with friends. it just seems like with everything ive committed myself takes too much time away from doing what i really want to do. yes, i enjoy playing all of the sports that i play. and there is a point to it, i guess, if sucess at sports is a point. because im good at all of them. but it just occurred to me last night while i was talking to erica about the future; i thought of something that id definately never considered before. she said that it was a wierd concept for her to imagine anyone wanting to go without riding horses for an extended period of time, and i agreed with her, except i know im going to have to give it up eventually because im going to live in the city. same with hockey and softball [probably not golf, because thats something that you can do your whole life]. but then i got to thinking: why do i waste my whole summers on things that im not going to use after highschool? but then again, what else would i do with all of the free time? i think its because i like to be busy, and i like to be known as someone who's very talented and sucessful. even so. im looking forward to a slowdown after i graduate.

probably blog. lol. im going to keep thinking about this one, and probably not reach a conclusive decision. this whole pms mood sucks.
love,kaatie

WARPED IS TOMORROW! YAYYYYYY!

if i was a little braver, i might not get teased like this.

i hate shots. i reallyreally do. and unfortunatly for me, watching me get injected is highly comical. needless to say, everytime i go to the doctor, my mother finagles the doctor and nurses into thinking that i need a shot. and let me tell you: it is NOT my idea of a good time to get stabbed with a needle, especially when i dont need to. i mean, its not like im just going to go out and have random sex with random people to get HPV, so why the hell do i need three shots for gardisil? because i cry and wiggle and flip out every time, probably. i swear to god, there were four additional nurses standing in the doorway to the examining room just watching my mom hold my hands and the nurse try and give me the damn hepatitis shot. and then shabam. she got me.

as if that wasnt enough, my doctor is a creeper. he had long greasy silver hair thats comes to about his shoulders that he tucks behind his ears [johnny depp as willy wonka?], and dresses primarily in shades of grey. he leaves the top button of his shirt unbuttoned and doesnt wear a tie. he reminds me of the founding fathers, ex. george washington or benjamin franklin. so its pretty scary when im laying on that paper covered table and hes like, feeling me or whatever. or when he tells me to bend over so he can check my spine. shutter. plus, i dont like doctors in the first place. or dentists, ortodontists, or dermatlogists. theyre too close, i cant move, its just scary. if i had a normal looking one that was hot or even nice, then it might possibly be tolerable. but im pretty sure greys anatomy was created to tease me. no such doctors exist in fort wayne.

so then i had a golf lesson with jeff out at cobblestone, which was pretty dull as usual. and it was hot. then my mom decided that she wanted to go to walmart and pick up some home excercise equipment because she decided that im not in good enough shape [too fat!]. so i didnt have that great of an afternoon either. but i guess one good thing happened: my parents are mulling over whether or not we can go to circuit city to get my new mp3 player. its a creative zen, about the size of a credit card, pretty thin. so if that gets accomplished, ill be all set. living without something to play music sucks so bad, because the sound quality of my good old laptop is terrible. im kinda moody. which means ill probably end up posting about my random musings later. until then.
love, kaatie

ps: enjoy the new music!

suprisingly chill.

my computer had a virus on it tonight, which provided me and my father about six hours of quality entertainment. while watching him sort though all of the various files on my precious laptop searching for the spyware, i had a swiss orange milkshake. yum.

today was pretty nonchalant as a whole. i was home alone for most of the day, which was good, because i needed that to recover from yesterday. then i golfed, better than yesterday evening. my wrist feels a little better. i moved my stuff back down the basement bathroom, now that the spiders are gone. my family had hotdogs for dinner, which was nasty. i hate hotdogs so much...and then im thinking about going vegetarian again when school starts. not because of that stupid, ignorant PETA video about animal cruelty, although that is sad. its just...i dont actually know. i was before, and i liked it. i felt better. and i lost a ton of weight, which is always good. especially because i have some amazing new size 5 skinny jeans i have to fit into. which reminds me: yesterday i was gonna eat a cookie and my mom was like, yeah, thats really gonna help your tight emo pants. what a silly goose she it!

i have a new bestfriend, and that excites me greatly. we're alike in so many ways, even though ive never met him. i wonder if he and janna talked, if they would get along amazingly also? that would be an exciting conversation. ill have to introduce them.

i realized that i lean of zach alot more than hes around. like, if im having a bad day or whatever, all i have to do is think about him to make myself feel a little better. and if i talk to him, i feel like a million times better. sometimes i wonder if im getting in over my head, but then...he promised. but still. for a girl with trust issues, im definately putting alot into him. and its not like something i can ease out of. im in this for the long haul, i think.

and another thing, before i go. i decided that im a confident person, and that i like who i am. i dont want to be anything other than the label free me.
love, kaatie

from an undisclosed location.

mobile, 27JUL08. 530 pm:

well since i dont have verison wireless and a sweet phone with a keyboard, i cant technically blog from anywhere but my room, which is unfortunate on days like today when i simply cannot spend anymore time with anyone. but i can take a pencil and paper and journal, which is what im doing [and now im typing exactly what i wrote. well, except this little blurb] im not a loner, but there are days when being perpetually misunderstood takes too much of a toll on me. i didnt run away, but i ran.

so im sitting on the ground in the thin woods surround by houses. not far away from my house, by far enough that i dont think ill be found or walked in on. unless i was followed. which is possible if not probable. you cant imagine how hard it was to get out of the house. and even harder to escape with this pencil and notebook! my family [parents, mostly] tries so hard to prevent me from keeping that small percentage of my sanity sometimes, i swear.

after i got out of th shower i had an unretainable urge to be alone, so of course i started to retreat into my roon, but i cound even make it those 25-odd steps acros the loft without running into jackie. i decided i would ride my bike. so i quickly changed into a t and some shorts and tossed on some sneaks, grabbed a bag and started to leave. and then i had to explain myself [purpose defeated?] 3 different times to the nosy members of my household. i mean, come on. i say im going for a bike ride and i dont want any company. im effing fifteen and a half. i can do that by myself. but that isnt enough. they all asked what was in the bag [pencil, notebook, phone]. they all asked why i would need a pencil and notebook [to write]. what would i be writing? [journaling, some thoughts, idk] what kind of thoughts? etc. as you could probably guess, by the time i actually got out of the house on my bike i was more than a little pissed. and unecessarily so.

i dont know why i want to cry right now. maybe i just need someone to see that somethings wrong, recognize the unfallen tears, and to not ask questions. to simply let me cry, and to hold me until i stop. but that person is too far away right now. well. i have to go now, because my bike ride was limited to 25 or 30 minutes. go figure.
love, kaatie

a subtle kiss that no one sees; a broken wrist and a big trapeze.

ive missed a few days, i apoligize. ive been a combination of terribly busy and stressed and tired. in a bad way, unfortunately. as i read the last paragraph of good summer days this morning, i laughed to myself. of course something that good couldnt last. and of course that happiness would be short lived. it usually is, especially since my mother is a part of my everyday life. yeah, it kinda sucks, since she has such an obnoxiously short fuse. but i deal. i always have. so i guess im going to tell the story of my weekend, even though im not really down with dragging it out, since it was so pointless and utterly consequenceless.

i left off with my amazing day at ashleys, which was amazing, obviously. i redid her white board with a fresh set of lyrics, which took me aproximately 3 hours, but it was worth it. creations like that are always worth it, simply because they look cool when im done. i slept for about 4 hours, and then got up, came home, and slept some more. got ready, ate an egg mcmuffin, and headed to the mall. got a hundred dolla from my parentals [:]]. it was a drama free and promising start. so me ashley and jackie shopped our hearts out. i was captain bargain shopper, as usual, finding shirts and a pair of shoes and a belt for less than 1o dolla each. i got my warped outfit...its totally scene. and totally hot: dark grey artfully distressed skinny jeans [MAXrave], a bright orange and white striped t [h&m], a black vest [wet seal], and some pretend white vans, for signing. brilliant idea, right? the only thing i didnt get with my parents money was a bottle of sweet daydream from victorias secret, but it wasnt that necessary. i have a ton of other sprays/perfumes. a purchase for another day, i suppose. so me and ashley were out of cash, but jackie still had like 25 dolla [typical jackie, being the last one with cash] so we went to her store of choice, hollister. shutter. although i do like to go and bop around that store, because all of the boys that work there are preppily delicious and smell so good and because the music in there is good. it makes me wonder why people that wear that stuff all the time listen to rap and hiphop more than the good music they play in their store. i guess ill never no. anyway, that trip ended up being the start of the badness. ashley left her phone in there. we didnt realize it until we came out of earth magic about a half hour later.. so we ran back, and it was gone. it would have been pushing our luck to expect to find it, though. the new samsung glyde. so on top of her mom running behind schedule, we traipsed around the mall leaving contact information and the like...i ended up not getting home until like 4:08 or so. which was incredibly bad because my dad and i were supposed to leave with bobby and amy at 4:15 because we had a game at 6 in berne. i got chewed out. so did jackie, even though it wasnt our fault at all and we couldnt have done anything about it. so then we lost the game. i got home, and was in a bad mood. the first game on saturday was bad, but we beat new haven in the second. then we went to berne swiss days and ate fair food. then while the rest of my team was off being obnoxious, i found a spot with the local scene kids and listened to a cute boy with an accoustic guitar sing for a little while. he was good..and covered both bright eyes [at the bottom of everything] and the moldy peaches [anyone else but you]. then i took a 2 and a half hour nap in bobbys truck, which was relaxing. so then we started our first tournament game. we were up 5-1 by the fifth, which is really good for the thunder, seeing as how we kinda suck. then in the bottom of the fifth, they started to score. almost at the end of the inning, there was a girl on third who was leading off really far. i was catching and gave a sign to my third baseman that i was going to throw to her on the next pitch. i was ready to come up and throw...and then the batter swung and hit me in the wrist. it hurt. bad. but i finished the game and hit a standup triple to right field the next inning. but my dad thinks its broken, and it probably is because it hurts like a mother still, but i refuse to accept that because golf season starts on friday. eventful weekend, which is why im doing absolutely nothing today. i need to recuperate.

except i mixed a cd for mother dearest to take to the gym. which is fine, i dont mind doing stuff like that for her to win myself brownie points. what i do mind is that she orders me around while im trying to do her this favor. she doesnt say thank you. not even when im all finished. it just...makes me mad. maybe i expect too much from her? i dont think so.

now that softball season is officially over, i dont have too much to do this week. warped is in 4 short days, and then chs golf gets to claim the rest of my free time. im pretty pumped. school is just around the corner, and when it starts, things slow down and get a lot more calm. thank god for that!
love, kaaite

good summer days.

things are suprisingly chill lately, theres almost nothing i can think of to talk about that i havent already bored you with in the past few days. drivers training is done, thank god. but other than that...its been golf, zach, and drama. lately its taken a steadier rhythm, and i must say that i like it quite a bit.

me and zach went to the fair and hung out yesterday. it was pretty boring, but id sit through the opera or the revelation to be with him. it was the same old 4h shit going on...animals, carnies, food, rides, crafts...and of course a mass abundance of carroll kids. mostly the show choir [gayest] and the popular kids [lamest]. and the in betweeners...me, caylin, sawyer. actually, sawyer might have been the coolest kid there! seeing as how hes tall and amish and his nose is amazingly shaped. a lady came up to me and told me how i could be a model, and told me that my chucks were cool. and she gave me a lollipop and a dvd! jealous much? keep your eyes peeled...ill probably end up on a poster for abused children or something. or like, camo white trash hunting pinup. y'know.

today was amazingly fun. probably close to the most fun ive had all in one go all summer. ashley and i went golfing. except ashley didnt golf, she basically just drove me around and made mischif. and ate mini tacos with every single sauce imaginable from the crazy lady in the club house. lol, insider..anyway. then, we came back to the minyard residence and made some asain cuisine...hit up my facebook for pics. AND THEN. ohh boy. we went to ashleys spot. under the bridge. there was a creek and alot of pretty queen anne's lace, and rocks, and moss...it was seriously like of the coolest things ever. i wish i had a spot like that. ha, all ive got is my bedroom. my computer desk. thats my scene escape. so what did we do? we took scenester pics, duh. tons of them. and then we went tresspassing. as scene explorers of the scene forest, which we discovered was actually a tree farm. can you imagine any cooler of a profession than a tree farmer? i sure cant...it would actually be sorta calming to have your own realm of trees to escape to. especially when the trees are mixed with scene white flowers..it was so pretty. somewhere from a dream...AN IDEAL LOCATION, IF ZACH IS READING THIS. objects posed with include: a tractor, trees, flowers, no tresspassing signs, the bridge, a tree covered with poison oak, and a tree spade. then we came back to eat more asian and be scared shitless by pet sematary. oh my god. it was the creepiest movie ever. but i had so much fun. yay for ashley.

im so glad things are back to normal. who would have thought that things would work out for me like this? seriously, what did i do to deserve this turnaround? fun yesterday and today, and a whole day of shopping tomorrow. thats what i call a some good summer days.
love, kaatie

mood swing, captured in writing.

im so mad right now its hard to figure out exactly what i want to write about tonight.

i take that back..im not exactly made, anymore. its more of an intense hate for drama and and immaturity and all problems associated with it. this summer has been the most dramatic in my entire life, by far. its even worse than highschool, actually, which is kindof pathetic. theres the whole steven thing, yeah. but then theres a separate ashley-caylin-zach thing that was going on for more than a month that just sucked. totally sucked. because when your two best friends have a problem with eachother and one of them hates your boyfriend, what the hell do you even do? what do you SAY? i guess its mostly my fault for letting it go on this long, because it didnt occur to me until tonight that i should have just talked it out with ashley to find out what the actual problem was. im so glad that i did though, because the problem is solved. i think. i hope. because i miss ashley so much. our insiders, the way that she just like, gets me. i cant give up zach and caylin, but id do just about anything i had to to get ashley to just be my best friend again. [hashbrown, if youre reading this: i love you.] but were putting all of that in the past. so, as of right now, its officially buried.

i feel a little better now, but i can feel the empty feeling gnawing at the pit of my stomach. im talking to zach though, and it helps. i think that of all the relationships ive ever been in, this is by far the best. he gets me, and i can actually see myself with him in a year. in five years. like, its a plausible thing..him and i staying together. and we talked about it today...about it being long term and stuff like that. i just wish...i dont know. words are pretty powerful for me. and i know how i feel about him. i could tell him how he makes me feel. it bounces around in my head constantly..every second of every day. but like i said earlier, if he told me, it would make me feel better. if he told me that we would last and that he wasnt going to like, change his mind about how he feels about me, it would make me so much more secure..i wouldnt worry half as much. maybe thats what this feeling is...insecurity. like my life is loose, unfixed, uncertain. like its balanced at the edge of a cliff. and maybe these problems are like strong winds, pushing me a little closer towards the edge. its that second of panic when i dont realize that i have people that will always be there to make sure i dont fall.

i feel better, because i definately figured something out thats pretty cool. so heres to the people i love...that will always love me back.
love, kaatie

the anniversary theory.

im excited, fans. four days until the one month anniversary of this blog! yayyy! it survived a whole month! it doesnt feel like that long, thats for sure. and oh yeah! today is zach and my one month anniversary. not that i had any doubt in my mind that it would last any less than this, but still. milestones are big these days, i suppose. it doesnt even feel like weve been together for a month, and to be perfectly honest, it doesnt even feel like a big deal. it just feels the same...natural. with ethan, it was a huge thing. and he said happy anniversary. how...coupley. gross. and then he acted funny after that. i think when you make a huge deal about something like a one month, it kinda says that making it that far was not certain. like you might have broken up before that, in other words. especially if you celebrate. well, celebrate is the wrong word, because you can celebrate events like this in different ways. for instance, a makeout session. but things like a dinner, a movie, staged romance, A CHEAP RING, gifts in general...it seems cheesy to me. but maybe thats just me, being a little too mature and wound a little tight.

it was a good day, despite getting knocked out of the wallen tournament by a bad throw made by me. i guess i dont really care that much though, because everyone knows that im a damn good player. im pretty sure it was my only error of the season, anyway. plus, i dont have to play anymore games out there this summer. that means only 4 or 5 more at the berne tournament this weekend with thunder, and then im DONE. YES. i got my new glasses today, and theyre absolutely adorable. and theyre coach. my mom and i just hung out and shopped a little in the afternoon. drivers ed was suprisingly unboring and actually kind of stirring in the im-so-hormonal-that-the-crash-story-is-gonna-make-me-cry sort of way. but at least it went fast. i got through a big chunk of the book im reading, virgin earth by phillipa gregory. its amazing, just like the rest of her books. AND, [icing on the cake] i found an amazing ringtone site that sends tones to centennial phones for FREE. HELL YEAH. i got like 5.

so i hope everyone else had as good of day as i had. i dont know why, but i just feeel happy. i wish i could put this feeling in a bottle for those tough days. someone invent that for me.
love, kaatie

cinematic adventures.

i decided that im an extremely jealous person. i also decided that when youre used to being confident all the time, being made insecure isnt fun. actually, it really sucks. i met some of zachs friends today...macie, sawyer, and hilary. i already knew that sawyer was dumb and immature, but he was fatter than i expected, which was a wierd observation, but i guess thats why this is my blog. maybe hell read it and put up a better picture on facebook. or lose weight. who knows. maybe then someone will go out with him. doubt it. macie and hilary though...they were different than people id think zach would hang out with. which is cool, i guess. hes allowed to have friends. except they were both really loud and obnoxious and seemed ditzy and were really pretty and were probably cooler and more interesting and more fun than i am. at first i was a little mad, but then i just felt...small. like after finding out what kind of girls he usually hangs out with, i could never compete for very long. it was a lot like seeing them and thinking to myself, jeez..this wont last long. which i regret thinking a hundred percent because thats all im going to be able to think about when im talking to him until he tells me that it isnt true. why he needs to tell me, i dont know. im just that kind of person, i guess. i want to feel like i deserve someone like him. i want to feel like im just as good as the older, louder, prettier girls. but i cant.

the happening was the dumbest movie ive ever seen, with the worst acting ive ever seen. m night shyamalan is my favorite director, because of signs and the sixth sense. ive never seen one of his movies and been like, holy shit, that was a waste of time. but this one was terrible. it had a rediculous plot, laughable acting, and terrible effects. but the killer was the fact that it totally made a joke of the state of the planet, which isnt a joke. a movie on the subject of the world needing to go green should at least be somewhat believable or mildy entertaining to make even the slightest bit of a statement. wall-e did a better job.

my stomach hurts.
love,kaatie

i need a rewind button.

this morning i woke up with a strange sense that something was going to happen today. something good or bad, i dont know. but something. the losers bracket of the softball tournament that SC thunder is playing in is cancelled, which means that we worked hard and came out with a win yesterday was for nothing, and that i have nothing to do today. my dad and sister left for the 12U softball world series today. which is exciting, i suppose. except now im here all week with just my mom. which is significantly not exciting, because we dont get along that well most of the time. oh well, though.. ive always survived before.

steven is causing me alot of stress right now..definately more than hes worth. people who i talk to regularly have heard me say over and over that i dont want to talk to him ever again, because hes dumb pothead and more trouble than hes worth. im sure zach is tired of hearing about him because i dated steven before i dated him. not that anything good came from it, but still. i [somehow] can be a jealous person, so i can see how that subject could be awkward for him. even so, he listens, and that helps, but now i feel like im just being dramatic. the stuff he says though! hell text me in the middle of the night and be like, i cant stop thinking about you, or another time, i really want to sleep with you. this, coming from [formerly] my best friend is disturbing. theres no other way to put it. honestly, if i could go back to may 3rd to when we were sitting under caylins window in the grass watching the stars and lightning and talking about life and love and fear and change, i would. i would take back all of the things i said to him because i thought i could trust him. i wouldnt believe anything he said that night, how he told me not to worry, how he told me that nothing and everything would change at the same time. i wouldnt kiss him, if i could do it all again. but i cant. now im faced with this constant drama or losing a friend that ive told everything. all in all, i do miss talking to him. itll work itself out eventually..i hope.

when i think about it, it seems that my life is a series of constant struggle rarely graced by moments of peace and contentment. sort of how my golf game is mostly recovery from bad shots. maybe thats what life is all about - struggling against what the universe casts your way, recovering safely from that plight.

maybe im not getting enough sleep.
love, kaatie

a day[and night]dream.

one of two things will probably result from my specific intentions for life: either im going to achieve all or most of them, or live a totally different life than the one im about to describe and be unhappy. or ill succumb to a 9 to 5, white picket fence, white collar...the american dream. whatever the hell that is.

no. thats totally NOT what i want to be like when i grow up. it all seems so boring, cliche, redundant...if you know me you know how i feel about that. i want to be creative and fashionable and intelligent and meaningful and mysterious as an adult. i want to make my own choices and have my own beliefs. i want to have fun and be rediculously, adorably, and hopelessly in love. i want to take risks and have fun, which shouldnt be too hard to do in nyc. and i also [seriously] want to be poor. to struggle. dont get me wrong though, i like living where i do and doing all the exciting sports and activities i do. thats great, and im so grateful to my parents for giving me this life. but when i get older, i dont want to have everything handed to me. i admit that it is now. and its awkward for me to talk to people who are worried about money, because ive never had to be. it doesnt matter to me if i have to live from paycheck to paycheck. i just want to be happy and have friends and have fun.

so. life plans as of right now: im going to survive sophomore year and the first half of junior year. then im going to spend the second half of junior year in spain. speaking spanish and being chic in europe. and maintaining the long distance relationship with zach like a pro, of course. he'll fly over and visit me for a week over spring break. then ill come home all coolified and breeze through senior year. after i graduate, i leave. as soon as i can. ill be starting as a fashion design major at the pratt institute in the fall, with about half of the tuition payed for by a talent scholarship, and the rest payed for by..student loans. anyway. fashion school in new york city. whoaa, what an amazing time thatll be. ill design, learn, party, shop...you get the idea. ill live in a studio apartment in tribeca and commute to school. eventually, when zach finishes doing whatever hes going to be doing, he'll move to new york with me. after a while, marriage? who knows. but eventually, yes. we'll have one little girl a year later, named roane shay, and about that same time my line that ive been working on through a design firm will get big. really big. ill break away from the firm but keep my small following with me to help me get my own line started. roane will be alot like me: unique, driven. and shes gonna be a redhead. dont even argue with me on that one. anyway. she'll go to a competitive private school and not be that into learning and stuff, but do fine. our little family will spend summers in our little house on the beach on nantucket island. ill design and be in love and be totally happy.

yeah, its gonna be pretty great.
love, kaatie

contemplations.

i was thinking today while i should have been concentrating on the golf tournament and softball game, and i decided that not a lot of people know who i really am. over the years, ive some how [well, i know how] built up this goodygoody image. the girl who gets straight a's. the girl who does the right thing. the girl who plays it safe. but how far from the real me could they be? i love to take risks. i slack in school. i dont believe in some of the things that i used to believe in. the thoughts though - the actual realization that no one knows who i really am - scared me. does that mean im fake? or reserved? i want people to hear katie phipps and say: she knows what she stands for. but at the same time, i just want to be me. does anyone else have this problem?

i also contemplated the future, freaking myself out as usual. for the past couple of years, all ive been focused on was graduating and getting gone. leaving. never setting foot in this stupid city ever again. that was my plan, so solid, set in stone. but then i met this dumb boy who i cant seem to forget about even for a second..who wants to stay instate for college. WHAT am i going to do if we stay together? i dont like to worry, but ive definately made a career of it lately. long term relationships are great. i can totally see myself with him. so what im really trying to ask myself is this: do i love this boy enough to rearrange my entire life plan just to be with him? how much am i willing to change? back to the upper issue! do i want to change who i am? the answer is no, basically, but i cant deny that things have happened that have changed me. they dulled my trust and forced me to grow up really fast. i cannot say that people to not have an influence me as a person honestly. anyone that thinks they can should seriously reevaluate that.

since im getting closer to being on my own, im rethinking what i believe in and what i dont believe in. thats for another day, though. this is the sort of braindump that will amuse me for a few minutes in about a month or so. who knows, maybe it will help me reach a breakthrough. anyway, sleep well.
love, kaatie

rainbow gatorade.

got any rainbow gatorade?!

well of course the gay concession stand at wallen softball complex didnt have any. so caitlan had to settle for red. how sad. but uh, anyway. caitlin told me to blog about her as a going away present for camp, which im doing of course, because shes my favorite softball playing ginger. and ima have her baby! [insider]

well. what can i say about caitie? shes pretty amazing, shes a sailor. with a sailboat, how cool is that? shes practically a pirate! uh, shes halarious. she makes some cool videos with her bestie sam and puts them on her site. shes likes a shot of love [so do i!]. she doesnt believe that im not drunk. but im not. i promise.

she goes to northrup, which is basically a mildly ghetto school. except its ghetto enough to have weave all over the floor most mornings. ew! like, actual weave off of someones actual head. she said when school starts shes gonna take a picture and text it to me..ill be sure to put it up here. lol, my school is completely white. we have like 3 black kids in my entire grade. which i find kinda funny.

now that the softball season is almost over, im gonna miss making fun of people and being gangsters and having babies and causing scandal. but well keep in touch. we already decided. sorry caitlan, this post did you no justice. but atleast i tried.
love, kaatie

adult drama is so childish.

there are few things less entertaining than adults with drama. like, seriously! people in highschool get so caught up in their little fights and schemes and problems, and yeah, sometimes it gets a little theatrical. its understandable, because were teenagers. but when youre thirty something and you have kids and something happens, dont make a huge scene. thats so childish. i dont know how many times ive found myself laughing because someones mom is stomping around being waay overdramatic. i think im more mature than fifty percent of the adults i know. i dont know, though, because im so chilll about everything. and when i say everything, i mean EVERYTHING. like when people do things that should infuriate me, ill get mad for maybe a week, and then im all good. i lose trust, but i can still be friends with the person. im usually the bigger person and whathaveyou. its wierd, but i honestly think i could stay in a relationship if the person i was with cheated on me. like, not for an extended peroid of time, but kisses happen. everything happens. some people have too much good in them to be let go after one bad thing. yknow? i guess thats why im different than most people.

i feel so annoying and needy today. like everything i say is unnecessary or stupid. its wierd. but im just being hormonal. i hate pmsing, because i hate feeling like a bitch all the time. i get irritated and then i lash out at people, usually people i like, which makes them mad. i have no explanation for that. i guess i just have to tell them not to take me seriously for a while.

im quite a character :]
love, kaatie

scrambled, again.

this weekend was fun. sorry that its been a while, but yknow. softball tournaments take a lot out of you. and so does laser tag. like whoaa.

ive been in a interesting mood lately. its not lonely, exactly, because ive actually been seeing people more recently. yay drivers training.. its an excuse to miss stuff [mainly riding and babysitting, which means fundage is low, but i deal]. some strange things have just been happening, and im reacting in ways i never expected i react. things that i thought id never forgive im letting go, and its just making me think. im not sure im ready to forget, just like that. but im not sure. im just not suree... and then theres other things that might not have bothered me before than bother me now. idk. im just glad that i have people to lean on. :]

stevens mad at me, which i never thought id be able to accomplish but finally have. and i dont care. honestly, if he never talked to me again, that would be fine. but as i type that, i can see myself in the future changing my mind. people whove been your best friend always have that extra change buried deep in your heart. im learning that. if i love and trust someone enough to tell them anything, its hard for me to shut them out completely, however much they hurt me. ill be mad for a while, but i think all i really need is a chance to cool off. that could be good or bad. i might be getting walked all over, but maybe im just being the bigger person. as long as im cautious, it might be alright in the end. plus, if you held grudges against everyone, you wouldnt ever have any friends!

this is random: i think that doing anything sexual with all of your big brothers friends is a little slutty. no one else seems to think so. but it is. just putting that out there.

its 11:11, and i wished. now im thinking about that, and its going fabulously. i have quite an active imagination, which makes things like that fun. it also makes being apart difficult, because if my mind isnt directly occupied with something else, it usually wanders back to zach. im a dreamer..

the instrumental part of i will possess your heart is quite good. but its by death cab for cutie, so it should be. and while im thinking about it.. 7 things would be good if it was by anyone other than miley cyrus. i passionately hate that girl.. as well as the rest of the disney channel. theyre trying to take over the world, i swear.

well, im off.
love, kaatie

better today.

what i felt was nervous, and the reason i felt it was zach. i love him so damn much that every time i see him my heart starts racing and i dont know what to say or what to do. im not myself around him, and that is extremely strange. boys are a game, sometime to occupy time or to tease. they dont control me. and they certainly dont play hard to get. not with me. thats definately my job.

oh, but he does. can girls be whipped?

summer is more than half over and for the most part, it has sucked. not much has happened. well, i take that back. im pretty much only home at night to sleep, so technically, ive done quite a lot. but i miss being social and seeing my friends and actually doing stuff. one would think that during school i would have more time to like, be a kid. not really. but i guess when school starts in the summer, theres football and stuff like that. between golf matches, of course. then theres homecoming.. whoo. i dont really want to think about school yet, because summer hasnt really...taken off. and because theres a couple people im totally not looking forward to seeing again. but then again...theres some people i reallyreally miss.

i was laying out on my trampoline today and some random trucker driving by slowed way down and honked at me. gross. i flipped him off.

softball tournaments for the next three weekends. skiddlydoo. i have to get up at 545 tomorrow morning, so i guess id better hit the sheets. although i dont really want to get off of here because im too hyped up to sleep.

i hope i at least have good dreams.
love, kaatie

jumbled, lo siento.

"i dont want us to operate by assumptions. I want us to look at each other every morning and ask, 'who is this person im so lucky to love?'" *amy tan
that is what i want. someone to wonder if they deserve me, like i wonder sometimes. love is something that i dont think should even be taken for granted.

i dont know why i feel so scared. or even if i feel scared. this is something.

sometimes i wish that life was in black and white. no gray, no uncertain. i wish i could write everything down on my calandar like i schedule my lessons, games, and practices. i worry about the future, about being happy, and being hurt. i dont like to worry, but thats who i am, i suppose.

i feel sad and happy and confused and lonely and loved and completely ridiculous at the same time. i want to crawl into bed and sleep until next saturday, but i know if i lay down ill toss and turn and think and wont fall asleep for a long time. maybe i just need a hug. maybe i just want someone to tell me how much im needed. maybe i just need to get through it...

am i a shallow person? i wondered that today. i dont think i am, but i caught myself wondering if what i was about to do would effect the way people thought of me. i can easily say that i care what other people think about me. ill ponder this. yay, more thinking. ill pencil that one in for the weekend. jeez. i wonder if i have an anxiety disorder. there might be a reason for this randomness.

its hard to write in my condition so im gonna give it a rest.
love, kaatie

the girl who stared into the sun.

there was a girl who was afraid. she lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood on the good side of town. so did most of her friends. they went to a school where the biggest problems were drama and drugs. she tried to avoid both, for the most part, because whenever she looked around, she saw the problems that those things caused for people. she was good at seeing people for what they were and tried to learn from what she observed. sometimes it helped, sometimes it didnt. but she gained some insight from it, and that never hurt anyone.

she wasnt popular, but she did seem to have a lot of friends, because she was involved in a lot of things. she was smart and talented and she loved to be the best at what she did, so she worked hard and most of the time she accomplished just that. sometimes, she did it just for the satisfaction that people looked up to, admired, or envied her. all she had to do was think about those things, and she would grit her teeth and get through it. things she didnt excel at, she quit.

when she was alone, the scared girl sometimes felt very lonely. she cried and cried at night and wondered why people hated her for no reason. was she too good? not good enough? too ugly, fat, pretty? she thought about it until she was exhausted and drifted into a tormented sleep. but still she wondered strange things. if she died, who would cry? if she was sick, who would notice she was gone from school? she felt wierd for thinking about, and tried to push it from her mind.

for a long time, boys were something of an accessory to her. she went from crush to crush, her mind daring to entertain thoughts of the future with some of them. many of them liked her more than she liked them, and she got bored with that quickly. she wanted to need someone, to feel her throat close and her heart beat fast if they even thought of leaving her. she wanted to be in love. after a few years of immature flings, she started to give up. but then on random chance, she met a boy. he was sweet and sensitive and kind. he said exactly what she imagined someone like him would say. he made her feel special. and after a long time, she decided that she loved him. and she prayed to everything she could think of that he loved her back.

time passed, but slowly, the same thoughts crept in. did he love her like she loved him? did he care about her? what would he do if she killed herself? or was he like she had often been...bored and annoyed by his over obsessed girlfriend. she hated herself for worrying but wondered about it alot. she worried about alot of things those days, especially the future.

then she had a really terrible day. she walked outside and layed down in the grass and stared into the sun. her eyes burned and her head ached. a tear rolled down her cheek. but she didnt look away. her vision faded to black but she kept her eyes open and didnt look away. finally, a cloud passed in front of the sun. she sat up, everything pulsing bright and dim, and went inside. nothing was better, but she figured that eventually, it would be ok.

love, kaatie

a bad movie scene.

who listens to classical music? who goes to the hallmark store searching for a birthday card and returns with an 80s cd [which is fabulous. i love the 80s] and a classical cd in tow? who does that? who listens to that shit? my mother, thats who. but this is not to bag on her wacky musical tastes, although i could talk about that in great length. classical music. beethoven, handel, bach. no words. i didnt think anything of it, until today.

i might have mentioned this already: im a music addict. it regulates my moods, helps me sort out how i feel, keeps me interested, keeps me out of trouble even, sometimes. im listening to music right now [boys of summer by the ataris], trying to sort out exactly how i feel. ive listened to alot and know what i like [punk and indie rock] and what i dont like [country! hiphop and rap], and what is tolerable [top 40, r&b]. but i cant say that ive ever been a fan of or even tried classical. the way music speaks to me is through lyrics..and classical music severely lacks those. so it was bypassed. today i realized that music can speak in other interesting [if not ironic] ways.

it felt like a scene from a bad movie. tense, horrible. there was classical music playing innocently as we drove out of the subdivision. recap: my mom was pissed that i didnt clean anything up when she was at the gym, i was talking on the phone for an extended period of time and then forgot to tell me i was supposed to watch her taco shells. i heard the timer, and admitted it, but seriously. how was i to know? anyway. then my sister got grilled for something stupid, me and jackie were conspiring against her, then i asked mom if zach could meet me there. a series of harmless events? [WRONG!!] so we were fighting. when we fight [which is often] i usually kinda let her say what she wants to say and respond minimally, if at all. and usually what she wants to hear is what i say. but today i was furious. she doesnt care that i havent seen zach for 3 weeks, she doesnt care if shes being a bitch, and she doesnt care if what she says hurts me. that makes me mad. so i let loose, and said some things i regret. some mean shit, in other words. but being quiet almost hurts worse than being called selfcentered and stupid... so she decided to tell me and my sister exactly why she makes the little things into a big deal.

she said that since she got married and had kids, she has existed soley for us. she doesnt have a job or go and do things she enjoys. she works in the kitchen, does laundry, and is involved in what me and jackie do: clubs, sports, activites... she feels like thats her entire life. so the little things to me [letting the taco shells burn] are big things to her..because theyre her whole world. she said that her life consists of small things.

it made me cry, and for once, my brain could think of no song, phrase, quote, or word to describe how it made me feel inside. i still cant. all i can think about is how that damn wordless classical turned fast and angry so fast after it was fluffy and light. sometimes in life, i guess there are no words.

im just so confused.
love, kaatie

i believe its called judgemental.

today i got my permit, had my hair colored, drove all the way to caylins and back, jumped on the trampoline, and ate a popsicle. only one thing could have made my summer day more enjoyable. but i only tease myself with that thought. a tornado touched the ground right by my house, and a random trampoline appeared in our yard. it was exciting, i guess. i was at the bmv at the time, and that definately sucked all of the intensity out of the storm. but i dont look like a total fag in the picture on my permit, so it was a success. shit. i was gonna say something else, but then the phone rang and i forgot. oh well.......

slightly controversial: i was reading a music review sight called Plugged In that ive enjoyed looking at since i was in about seventh grade. its run by a really conservative christian magazine or website or something like that..i dont really know. anyway, the reviews are halarious to read, especially of my favorite bands, if theyve heard of them to review them at all. its something to do every now and then when im poking around on the internet. judge me..i know its random. i get a kick out of it. aanyway. yesterday i was reading a review of death cab for cutie's first album, plans. it was offending, to be quite honest. they didnt totally bash the album, like they do sometimes, and call it satanic or something random like that. they just totally but this pretentious, judgemental spin on my favorite song from that album, which is probably in the top ten of fave songs ever. its called 'different names for the same thing' and the lyrics are some of gibbard's finest.

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumbled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.
The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I knew no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing
There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

not a lot, but for me, those words pack a huge punch and are totally spot on. thats the way to look at the world...people and places; it doesnt matter where in the world you go. everyone's the same, essentially. we all love and laugh and smile and cry and fear and need and want universally.

i didnt originally see the lyrics as having a religious meaning, but then Maxfield and Smithouser mentioned it in their review...and i can see how the phrase 'different names for the same thing' might take on a spiritual meaning in some context, and i know that they said "which is only a problem if referring to the afterlife." but it just got me thinking.

religion has always been a given in our house. we go to church, we pray before dinner, we dont argue about it. thats fine. ive been to church camp a few times. but sometimes, i wonder. i consider myself a logical person. i like to research, to know facts, to make decisions for myself. i know alot about christianity, and to me, it seems like it doesnt always, well, add up. for instance: if god loved the world that he saved everyone, why isnt everyone included? the bible was written by people, not by god. who are they to say that a man cant love another man? arent you supposed to fall in love with the person? but specifically related to this post: judism, islam, and christianity are extremely similar on most points. why is it so wrong to think that the other two arent just different skew from a different group of people? with such a loving god, why couldnt there be more than one path to him? so many questions like that. and i just hate the fact that the church is so intolerant! drives me crazy, actually. i dont have a problem with gays, straights, muslims, jews, hindus, agnostics, poor people, rich people, you, your mother, or the homeless man on the street. is tolerance so wrong?

"Because many of these songs are open to interpretation, families should use caution."
that, my fans, friends, and enemy spies, is terrible. little comments..ugh. wow.

tolerate. project of my lifetime. sometimes its hard..i cant say that i dont have inclinations to judge and stuff like that. and i know i do it all the time. but seriously.
love, kaatie

good day.

today was a good day, overall. i watched my baby sister play three softball games, between which we sat and made fun of the rest of her team. they're all interesting to some degree, but my favorite is kaitlin, nicknamed fat. shes 12, wears her shoulder length hair a couple inches behind her hairline like a unicorn horn, and is obsessively addicted to pete wentz. i suffered the same affliction when i was about that age, but a) that was before fall out boy signed to island and totally and became sellouts and b) that was before pete and ashley...got pregnant/engaged [puke!] and c) that was in the day when the band was cool. shes a headache and a half..very loud and obnoxious and rude, especially to her parents. i dont know why, but that bothers me. when people verbally abuse other people. like she'll be out of gatorade and say something like MOM. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND GET ME SOME GATORADE. in a really demanding voice. not cool, teeniebopper. not cool.

then i had softball practice. it was a good one, too. working hard and playing hard are the things that make softball feel like accomplishing something to me. im good, and that adds some degree of enjoyment to the game also, but if i run and throw and play as hard as i can until im sore and tired, i know that im that much better than the girl who doesnt give it her everything. lame, cliche, yes. but im an athlete, as much as im an artist or a student or anything else. golf isnt as much a run hard, die hard kind of thing, but its a challenge that presents itself harder each time a goal is met. and my other love, hockey. skate, sweat. skate. its a rush. im a beast on the ice...a dirty player, also. if it wasnt social suicide, i might consider playing with the guys. but the girls get intense too. im a notorious tripper, i slash sometimes and check more often. once i punched a girl in the face, and it was liberating. ive been called just about everything on the ice. but its fun. especially walking around with your team and trash talking other teams. it builds bonds. which is another thing i love about hockey.. my second family. aaanyway. then theres eventing, which is like no other. i love horses..theyre a big part of my life and always will be. most of my deepest darkest secrets have been whispered into the ear of a horse, and many tears have been shed into the mane of one. there isnt another sport that requires precise communication between yourself and a partner like that. and the feeling right before your horses feet hit the ground on high jumps feels like youre going to fall forever. its amazing.

tomorrow is gonna be exciting..i start drivers training and zach is coming home. i should probably get some sleep, in preparation.

goodnight, fans..friends.
love,kaatie

an empty feeling.

in my native tounge, this is called a crash. youre speeding, racing...pressing forward harder and harder. everything around you is blurred. you cant think, you cant breathe. your world is a swirl of light and color and sound. but then suddenly, it stops. you collide with something, someone, an unknown force that you didnt see before. you still cant breathe, but now you need to. you were thrown into the icy water and its filling your mouth, you know that inhaling is impossible but you want the air so badly...you need it. so you breathe. and everything goes black.

i consider myself a happy person, for the most part. nights like tonight are the exception. ive been alone all night. its about midnight now. it must be the perfect mix of a good day with some forgotten feelings. throw in sweet relief, a little love, this perfect quiet, too much thought, aspirations, hopelessness, and desire. add fear. get this. the empty feeling. i tried to explain it to nick once. he thought he understood, but what he described back to me wasnt quite the feeling i get. ill try again: its not that im not happy. and im definately not sad. its just...i think about things that i have and that i want and that will or wont happen, and i just get...this. its like things toss and tumble around in my head and my emotions expand and overlap until theyve bled together to make a sort of non-feeling. an emptyness, because nothing is strong enough to overpower anything else. this is why i hate the night, but love it. ive always had trouble sleeping and i probably always will because anytime im not conciously involved in something that requires my attention, i think. about everything. an intellect, you could possibly call me, but its not that as much as its an anxiety. i want everything to go right...sometimes when i think too much about one thing, something more important gets overlooked. anyway. this feeling breeds rash decisions and great poetry. it makes me feel like writing and crying. if i could bottle it up, i think the empty feeling would help me be sucessful in any creativity-based industry i picked. i wish i had someone to talk to about this, like, actually talk. no one. so i tell you, sweet readers. thanks.

actually, i feel a little better than i did five minutes ago. and a thousand percent better than i did last night. i talked to zach tonight, and im not mad. i never really was mad...i wanted to be, but with a boy like that, i more often than not overrule that tendency. anyway. hes coming home monday. yay! the golf thing was interesting..me and ethan talked alot more than i expected us to, because of the way we ended freshman year. all we did was talk though, and thats all were going to do from now on. i was [surprise!] thinking about it earlier, and yeah, we have a lot of chemistry. we always have. there are things about him that i really like. there are things about him that ill probably never forget. but then theres those reasons that we will never work. i learned my lesson the first time, when i got caught up in that chemistry and sort of forgot why i ended our relationship the first time. as soon as we got back together, i remembered exactly why i didnt want to go out with him. i will not date ethan myers again because i dont want to put myself through it again. yes, people deserve another chance, 95 percent of the time. but no, i will not compromise myself to please someone else. another lesson ive learned. oh. and maddie broke up with her wierdo boyfriend andrew the band fag. skiddlydoo.

blogging seems to be a good treatment for The Feeling. my other wierd thing i do when i feel like this is watch old episodes of The Hills. strange, right? its a show about materialistic dramatic party girls who get into trouble and never learn. but it actually calms me down. and, believe it or not, i actually sort of admire lauren conrad. i know what she went through with heidi and spenser. its so hard, she [like i did] managed to pick up the pieces and continue on. something about the way she lives, too, just makes me wish i was her. the parties, the friends, especially the internship and FIDM. thats what i want to do when i get older. get gone, head to new york city, and totally start my life as a declared, independent person. no baggage. no worries.

if anyone else has a strange empty lonely feeling at this time of night, hit me up. or give me advice, at least. sleep good, lovelies.
love,kaatie

the lovesick, political cynic.

independence day, puke. president bush, let me buy you a drink, so you can congratulate yourself on being the leader of the country that has appointed itself the master of the universe. yay america! responsible for thousands of iraqi civilian deaths, the deaths of american soldiers! yay for the price of oil being through the ceiling! yay! lets all get drunk and then blow our hands off with fireworks! our planet needs the scorch marks on her lovely surface.. it adds a nice touch to the global warming and exterminated forests and depleted resources. yeah, bush, let me buy you a beer. obama 08, baby.

i love fireworks...i think if you found a good secluded spot and settled down in the grass with your boyfriend and a bottle of wine, it would be pretty romantic. not that i have any experiance with that kind of thing..romance and whatnot. im pretty sure the love related feelings i feel are either pure chemistry or pure desperation. sometimes it just clicks. equals chemistry. but that never lasts long, and the relationship fizzles out. that happens quite alot, actually. but then theres the feeling when you like someone so much that it terrifies you.. that if it doesnt work between you, you honestly have no idea what you would do. its a horrible feeling, but then theres the moments when you can truely tell yourself, no.. he really does love me. some advice: always keep the upper hand. because if you dont, your everything is in his hands. its no picnic. ive cryed myself to sleep over this once this week.. i dont like it. but i love him. oh, so bittersweet.

enough of that. we made a slip-n-slide today, which was a bitchin time, let me tell you. whoaaa. soapy good times. no alcohol was consumed by me. the fireworks were tight. still no call from my boyfriend who seems to be mia. its day four of extremely pissy mood. my fam is feeling the effects. tomorrow im golfing with ethan and maddie and andrew. which sounds like a double date, but isnt. shall be interesting. too bad i cant bring my date. DAMN FAMILY VACATION.. no offense if zach is reading this. but seriously. hmm.. i drove on an actual road for the first time today and it was terrifying. no one died. when i got home, i was trembling. i dont understand how people can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. it would be challenging, says me, whos undiagnosed mentally retarded and dyslexic. lol. not really. but i do have trouble with left and right and turn signals and i learned that the brake lights were automatic today. drivers ed starts monday. ill pay attention, i promise.

i think ill go toss and turn and think about him and wish he was next to me and end up not sleeping until two or three hours from now. goodnight.
love, kaatie

quickie.

im home, sunshines. we didnt do well, but a good time was had by all. except my thumb, shoulder, and ribcage, all of which were in questionable condition after show jumping rally. everything still works though, at least good enough to play softball tonight. which i had only enough energy to do because of monster. yummy, but im crashingggggg... blech. i dont sleep well away from home. but i did get the fort marshall experiance! whoa dang, that was intense. if you go to the holiday inn express in marshall, michigan, ask for the kids suite. room 326. look in the drawer, me and stippich left messages. but seriously, whats cooler than bunkbeds surrounded by an 8 foot fence? the live deer game, maybe. but thats a stretch.

highlights of my weekend:
THE LIVE DEER GAME; which is when near dusk on a highway driver and passengers search for deer in the fields of rural michigan, squaking whenever you see some. keep count. almost swerve off the road every single time.
FORT MARSHALL; yup.
RAINCOATS; especially when theyre long enough to cover your shorts and make it look like youre not wearing any pants. thats attractive.
THE TACK TRAILER; we kept all of our stuff [four riders] in a two horse slant load. and we hid in there like, hours at a time. just staring at eachother, or slapping gwen with dressage whips because she has NO reflexes. lmao!
MY CONDITION; insider. good times at the mexican restaurant. "jasmine, i would help you sweep, but, you know...my condition." "then i think you shouldnt be riding" "or drinking..."
THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT; i hate mexican. there was a picture of a girl with uncertain ethnicity on the wall. asian/mexican, we decided. there was habenero picante sauce. i pwned it. and drank my, ericas, and gwens pop afterwards. all of the adults got wasted on margaritas..good example, no? the chicken was spongy. and there was white stuff in the bean dip. lol.

my rides were ok. a great fall was captured on video. belle was a retard, but that was expected. skipper is old. there was some drama...and our DC [club leader] gave me some sass. quite funny. im so glad to be home...only two more weeks til my life is back to normal. i think im gonna get some sleep now...

more tomorrow.
love, kaatie