i crave the sick sweetness.

well today was interesting. yesterday i guess, but im pulling a half assed all nighter with karrigan. ohh yes, shes sitting next to me, and were discussing people with waterbeds. apparently their warm comfort went out of style years ago. if you have one, prepare to get teased. im in the weirdest mood, not going to lie. and for once, it doesnt have anything to do with lucifer or steven. it actually has a lot to do with DW, and his advice hotline, as its been deemed by karrigan. and its a twenty four hour hotline....thrilling, no? anyway. i texted him in need of council after i started thinking about how i really dont know anything about emilio. i just noticed that today. i dont really feel close to him. its like, we talk, right? but its always about stupid stuff. the weather, school, tv. not even music, really. i want to have what i felt like [imagined?] that i had with zach. yes, i hate to bring him back up after so long, and after ive found countless ways to tell myself that he wasnt worth it, that what we were wasnt good for me, that it just wasnt a good situation to begin with. but still, there was all of those feelings that i had, legit or not, that i like. the ones that made me feel safe. warm fuzzy feelings, and i dont get that with mil. i still feel like im at a distance and i hate it. its like crossroads right now: i can either decide if i want to keep moving forwards or if i want to start to pull myself away. but lingering here, basically strangers on the most important emotional level...itd kill me. fuck tevyn. i honestly just want to throw myself at mil right now, unguarded, and let him catch me if he means what he says. for once, i want that sickly sweet, adorable, giggles and sunshine relationship. if only for a day.

my dad woke me up at aproximately 6:49 this morning to apoligize for what he said the night before. i was a little groggy and pissed [since my alarm was set for 11], but he was apoligizing all over himself for the night before. for berating me and not being tolerant of my mistakes, he said later. he says he feels terrible, and that he's never going to drink again because of the bad example it set for me and jackie. which i find interesting, but its strange. so he was drunk, and he said some shit. its all fun and good i guess, but theres no point in feeling all guilty when you were under the influence. like i said, if you say it while your drunk, it can most of the time be written off as the drink speaking. it was good that he said something to me though, and even more interesting that he woke me up to do it. i guess he is solid after all. which is comforting. i had a hockey game this morning, against "parents and alumni". i think it was a waste of ice time, personally. it would have been ten times more productive if we'd just had practice. but no, we played. and on the way home, the sun was out, which meant that i could wear my amazing red ray ban wayfarers without looking like an idiot. theyre so amazing, i swear to god. i look so hotttt in them! i feel like there was something else too...it had something to do with mil. oh yeah, him and his older brother. ill talk about that tomorrow i guess, if i feel like it. im getting tired now, so i think im off to bed or something. another giggle fest with karri, more likely.

love, kaatie