at a loss.

i am officially in over my head. which to be perfectly honest, suprises me, due to the sheer number of relationships ive been in. i thought that i could handle it all...haha NOT. actually, ive never ever actually craved intimacy with someone else. ive been a loner for most of my life, my social circle containing exclusively erica and the current boyfriend almost all the way through elementry and middle school. and then erica and i had that falling out last year. since then, it feels like i havent been able to find anyone that i just click with like that. its always been easy for me to bounce around though, i think you may have deduced that from reading this blog over the course of its existance. i just live fast, i guess. anyway. but now, i really really feel like i want to be closer to mil. like i said yesterday, its like i know him, sure, but i dont really know who he is. and it really is bothering me, but not as much as the fact that i cannot for the life of my figure out how im going to solve this problem. truth is, i actually dont know how to get to know him better. but i do know that it wont get any better if we continue things as they are now. we hang out out side of school, sure. but when we do...well, not a lot of talking gets accomplished. so we're going to work on that. the wierd thing is though, he feels the EXACT same way. he said something along the lines of, i feel like i dont know you at all when we were talking on the phone tonight. i thought he'd either found this or talked to karri, but he said that he's been thinking about it for like a week now. so maybe this is a normal feeling? DW said just give it time. anyone else ever feel like this? id sure like some advice right now.

but besides that crazy emotional bullshit, today was good. it was sunny again, which meant that i got to look superfly. ohh, i truely believe that i have an unhealthy obsession with those sunglasses. i noticed that last night i said "i look so hotttt in them!" and that disgusts me. it sounds like washed out, prep sheep speak. which is nasty. smack me if i ever do it again. tomorrow is the newspaper lazer tag adventure, which is thrilling. me and jason appel and karrigan and going to destroy the rest of the staff, since we are superior human beings. and we'll look amazing in the process, with our amazing bandanas that we're going to purchace before such events take place. and then the next day is new years! ohh my goodness, i got some exciting news. well, not really news. but mil and karri are going to kalamazoo, michigan to idk, paula's sisters for new years, and i got invited to go with them! the parents still have to discuss it, since its an overnight deal and everything, but even so, im way totally excited beyond belief. this takes stoked to a new level. since karrigan and mil are two of my favorite people in the whole world. its so convienient for them to be in the same family. which was wierd to think about in the beginning, but now its chill. i dont even think about in anymore. oh i just remembered i was going to talk about derek and his influence on mil. but i dont really want to anymore. since i dont know him and all, i dont need to be assessing such things. or at least, i dont want to be just yet. 666 is being ridiculous right about now, on a more random note. he's a nosy little fucker. i dont know why i even bother talking to him this late at night. its like im asking for it.

but then again, when am i not asking for it?
love, kaatie