todays and tomorrows.

so, the yellow team, consisting of jason appel, karri and i definately dominated in flyness at the newspaper lazer tag extravaganza. we had some amazing black bandanas, which lead kyle rich, this kid that would be amazingly cute if he wasnt a complete douche bag and didnt hang out with the dumb popular kids, to name us the bandana sisters. which well probably be calling eachother til the end of eternity now. the newspaper staff was just as cohesive out of school as it is during fifth period, though it does get a little bit clicquey at times. which is okay, i guess, since we cant all be friends. but most of us are, and i think thats so cool. i mean, i know that ive talked about it before, but honestly. like DW and karri and now, jason appel, are some of my best friends. and what other club spawns bestfriendships? certainly not chess club, id wager. but anyway, i looked badass in my mafia bandada, check the facebook for pictures. oh and APPARENTLY one of sarah's friends met zach, and im a dyke now, according to him. i dont know how that happened, since we went out and everything. i laughed at the story, but i'd really like to punch him in the face. too bad i probably won't have a chance to do that any time soon.

my parents decided to let me go with mil and karri to kalamazoo! suprising right?! ohh my goodness, im so freaking excited i dont even know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. thats more than twenty four hours with mil...its exactly what i feel like we need. i didnt really get a chance to hang out with him today, but i did see him a couple times getting karri and taking her home. it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him finally, after that long week of being apart. im a little nervous though, since its going to be an overnight thing. because i dont want him to see me all disgusting...definately not because i think anything sexual in nature is going to happen, because i know for certain that it wont. because i dont want to, and neither does mil. we both know that we arent ready, which is a good feeling since i know i dont have to worry about the 'negative side effects' generally associated with sex. we have something good going on right now, we dont need to fuck that up with that extra complication to the relationship. i know im not mature enough to deal with that...im just glad that im smart enough to figure that out on my own. some girls arent as lucky i guess, and they end up crossing the line and regretting it. well, i dont regret things. thats why i think long and hard about this stuff i guess...but anyway. karri says there's nothing to do at these people's house, so i guess we'll just be sitting around. which is good, i guess. watch the ball drop, consume liquids sparkling in nature, then sleep. ohhh, it would be nice to fall asleep with him, to wake up in his arms....and its possible. life is good.

i realize that this could possibly be my last post of the year two thousand and eight, which makes me feel slightly excited, but also, kind of sad. so much has happened this year, for better and for worse, but overall, id say that i improved over the course of it. im much more concious, thoughtful, and forward thinking than i was at the beginning of the year. i think before i act now, to an extent, and i made leaps and bounds in discovering who i am. i think that the most important thing i accomplished, however, was learn how to keep myself happy. last year, i let myself get sucked back into the same thing over and over again, and it wore on me. but now i know that i can get past it, and sometimes its better to just let go. ive hardened myself, made myself stronger. i can deal with people that talk shit better than i could before. maybe thats bad though, since people are talking shit. ohh well, i guess they're just jealous? who knows. i've made and lost and strengthened friendships, like i will continue to do throughout my life. when i think about it, i dont really know why people hype new years up so much, besides the fact that its a drinking holiday, and everyone loves those. i mean, today is a day and so is tomorrow...why are they different from all of the rest of the todays and tomorrows? life is not filed in chapters, that bind themselves together into a volume to be stored on a shelf until it is thick with dust and then read not often enough. if it were, with the way i live, i would burn those books. in life, i want to move forward, not waste ny time looking back.

so thats my single new years resolution: to keep going. in two thousand and nine, common era, i, katherine suzanne phipps vow to keep living my life with the intensity and the momentum that i know i deserve to enjoy.

love, kaatie

at a loss.

i am officially in over my head. which to be perfectly honest, suprises me, due to the sheer number of relationships ive been in. i thought that i could handle it all...haha NOT. actually, ive never ever actually craved intimacy with someone else. ive been a loner for most of my life, my social circle containing exclusively erica and the current boyfriend almost all the way through elementry and middle school. and then erica and i had that falling out last year. since then, it feels like i havent been able to find anyone that i just click with like that. its always been easy for me to bounce around though, i think you may have deduced that from reading this blog over the course of its existance. i just live fast, i guess. anyway. but now, i really really feel like i want to be closer to mil. like i said yesterday, its like i know him, sure, but i dont really know who he is. and it really is bothering me, but not as much as the fact that i cannot for the life of my figure out how im going to solve this problem. truth is, i actually dont know how to get to know him better. but i do know that it wont get any better if we continue things as they are now. we hang out out side of school, sure. but when we do...well, not a lot of talking gets accomplished. so we're going to work on that. the wierd thing is though, he feels the EXACT same way. he said something along the lines of, i feel like i dont know you at all when we were talking on the phone tonight. i thought he'd either found this or talked to karri, but he said that he's been thinking about it for like a week now. so maybe this is a normal feeling? DW said just give it time. anyone else ever feel like this? id sure like some advice right now.

but besides that crazy emotional bullshit, today was good. it was sunny again, which meant that i got to look superfly. ohh, i truely believe that i have an unhealthy obsession with those sunglasses. i noticed that last night i said "i look so hotttt in them!" and that disgusts me. it sounds like washed out, prep sheep speak. which is nasty. smack me if i ever do it again. tomorrow is the newspaper lazer tag adventure, which is thrilling. me and jason appel and karrigan and going to destroy the rest of the staff, since we are superior human beings. and we'll look amazing in the process, with our amazing bandanas that we're going to purchace before such events take place. and then the next day is new years! ohh my goodness, i got some exciting news. well, not really news. but mil and karri are going to kalamazoo, michigan to idk, paula's sisters for new years, and i got invited to go with them! the parents still have to discuss it, since its an overnight deal and everything, but even so, im way totally excited beyond belief. this takes stoked to a new level. since karrigan and mil are two of my favorite people in the whole world. its so convienient for them to be in the same family. which was wierd to think about in the beginning, but now its chill. i dont even think about in anymore. oh i just remembered i was going to talk about derek and his influence on mil. but i dont really want to anymore. since i dont know him and all, i dont need to be assessing such things. or at least, i dont want to be just yet. 666 is being ridiculous right about now, on a more random note. he's a nosy little fucker. i dont know why i even bother talking to him this late at night. its like im asking for it.

but then again, when am i not asking for it?
love, kaatie

i crave the sick sweetness.

well today was interesting. yesterday i guess, but im pulling a half assed all nighter with karrigan. ohh yes, shes sitting next to me, and were discussing people with waterbeds. apparently their warm comfort went out of style years ago. if you have one, prepare to get teased. im in the weirdest mood, not going to lie. and for once, it doesnt have anything to do with lucifer or steven. it actually has a lot to do with DW, and his advice hotline, as its been deemed by karrigan. and its a twenty four hour hotline....thrilling, no? anyway. i texted him in need of council after i started thinking about how i really dont know anything about emilio. i just noticed that today. i dont really feel close to him. its like, we talk, right? but its always about stupid stuff. the weather, school, tv. not even music, really. i want to have what i felt like [imagined?] that i had with zach. yes, i hate to bring him back up after so long, and after ive found countless ways to tell myself that he wasnt worth it, that what we were wasnt good for me, that it just wasnt a good situation to begin with. but still, there was all of those feelings that i had, legit or not, that i like. the ones that made me feel safe. warm fuzzy feelings, and i dont get that with mil. i still feel like im at a distance and i hate it. its like crossroads right now: i can either decide if i want to keep moving forwards or if i want to start to pull myself away. but lingering here, basically strangers on the most important emotional level...itd kill me. fuck tevyn. i honestly just want to throw myself at mil right now, unguarded, and let him catch me if he means what he says. for once, i want that sickly sweet, adorable, giggles and sunshine relationship. if only for a day.

my dad woke me up at aproximately 6:49 this morning to apoligize for what he said the night before. i was a little groggy and pissed [since my alarm was set for 11], but he was apoligizing all over himself for the night before. for berating me and not being tolerant of my mistakes, he said later. he says he feels terrible, and that he's never going to drink again because of the bad example it set for me and jackie. which i find interesting, but its strange. so he was drunk, and he said some shit. its all fun and good i guess, but theres no point in feeling all guilty when you were under the influence. like i said, if you say it while your drunk, it can most of the time be written off as the drink speaking. it was good that he said something to me though, and even more interesting that he woke me up to do it. i guess he is solid after all. which is comforting. i had a hockey game this morning, against "parents and alumni". i think it was a waste of ice time, personally. it would have been ten times more productive if we'd just had practice. but no, we played. and on the way home, the sun was out, which meant that i could wear my amazing red ray ban wayfarers without looking like an idiot. theyre so amazing, i swear to god. i look so hotttt in them! i feel like there was something else too...it had something to do with mil. oh yeah, him and his older brother. ill talk about that tomorrow i guess, if i feel like it. im getting tired now, so i think im off to bed or something. another giggle fest with karri, more likely.

love, kaatie

the drunken bible crusade.

YESTERDAY
you'd think that a parent run holiday party would be dull, uneventful. certainly not the source of mischif. and most definately not the source of mischif. and most definately not a reason to cry yourself to sleep. hell, wouldnt it seem like all of tha could potentiall come from leaving two troubled and confused home alone for like five hours [like steven and myself] would be the more likely cause? i think its ridiculously ironic that though we had many chances, absolutely nothing happened. We had a grand time, actuall. We cleaned up the kitchen, played mario kart for wii, and watched Batman [it was really creepy]. in fact, everything was completely fine until my parents got home. mother made a beeline for the bedroom, claiming headache [lightweight?!] but dad wasnt so lucky, since he still had to take steven home. i could smell the alcohol on him, but my first clue that he was utterly inebriated was that he said fuck. ive only heard him swear like once in my life...i just figured he didnt. or didnt around me and jackie, at least. he dropped steven off, and then asked me if anything bad happened. and since i didnt do anything wrong, i was feeling pretty confident about saying that everything was splendid. It was empowering, actually. But ironically, (again?!) It lasted about 30 seconds . He started to lecture ma about something that happened on Friday. We were playing Mario Kart and i got zapped or something and went from first to like last place only feet before the finish line. And being the sailor that i am, i said something resembling the GD word..."gahdahngit" or similar. I know i didnt straight up say it, because i barely cught myself. Of course, Jackie made a big deal about it. My mom just gave me a look and said, "watch your mouth." I figured it was done, buried. Apparently not. Dad's "talk" lasted for twenty minutes.

From his lecture, I have learned three valuable life lessons. More than that, probably. When its all said and done. First though, let me tells you what i know about alcohol. There are people that should drink, because they're charming and silly when they do so. And then theres the kind of the drunks that should be banned from drinking because they become faggy assholes when they're intoxicated. my dad is undoubtedly in the second catagory. my theory: the first group of people started drinking started drinking before they were twenty one, and therefore associate it with excitement. The second group denied themselves, and there you have it, bitter fools. Anyway, i really think that if i am a mean drunk, i wouldn't do it. My dad is, mil's dad is...jeez. i mean, he actually made me cry! With his nonsensical bullshit! Life lesson one: the sweet drink of the Gods makes people speak in tounges, and what is said under its influence, must be disregarded to a point. I picked up on that one when daddy started to contradict himself and babble about things that made no sense. Second: things that are brought before you in absurd ways, communicate the message the strongest. i think i learned something about myself during the talk...when i have to unscramble the words...what he is saying basically reads clearer, because he is saying exactly what his cloudy brain is saying. It wasn't pleasent, i dont plan on talking to him tomorrow, not after some of the things he said. I'm not as strong as id like to pretend, and he hit below the belt Plus, i respect(ed) him, so i'm inclined to take what he says to heart. And third: drinking is not as cool as i thought. Plain as that. DW is right, it's kinda dumb. If i render myself to such a state that i make myself into an unintelligible blubbery mess, whats the fun? It definitely knocked my trust for daddy down a notch, which makes me tear up as i am writing this. I thought he was solid, but i guess not. since he decided to go on a drunken bible crusade.

so im pretty upset, i want to call mil or somebody, but my phone is downstairs and so is my father.
love, kaatie
[partially scrolled by guest dj karrigan]

in the moment, not ahead of it.

its the afternoon, i think. well almost. noonish. but im super tired. mother dearest made me get up at ten to help her clean up for her party tonight. i dont mind, really, except for the fact that i didnt get to sleep until aproximately five in the morning. it was dumb, admittedly, but i needed something to occupy my mind. i was texting tevyn, aka lucifer, aka 666 since thats easier to spell than lucifer, according to karri. And i think that ive got this whole situation under control now. believe it or not, we most talked it out. and i discovered that in essence, we think the same way, down to fears and whatnot. he acts cocky and confident. so do i. apparently, unless he's bullshitting me, hes afraid of putting himself into a relationship just to be tossed to the side when is all said and done. and lord knows how i feel about putting myself in that vulnerable place. god, its like he reads my mind. and then of course, i say something thats just a little too far, and way out of my comfort zone, and its terrifying because i know that i have the potential to turn something that could be good into something very bad REALLY quick. he said that im perfect for him, but it would end badly. which i understand better than he probably knows. its like zach all over, but in a more intellegent, and well, more real form. at least im learning to master my emotions through all of this. he also, apparently, doesnt want me to make things bad for mil. he said he knows what that feels like [so do i!]. it makes me think of what ethan told mil when he said that he didnt want any games with me. ethan had it right: thats all i ever do.

is it totally wierd that i know that i do all of this stuff? i feel like im evaluating someone else, instead of actually living this. its strange and all, but i dont want it to stop. which probably isnt fair and definately isnt how things are supposed to work, i know that. i logically cannot have mil and tevyn at the same time. it would probably fuck up the world order, like when brutus kills caesar and the world falls to pieces. no, im going to have to concentrate on living in the moment.. im starting to realize that i have something good. but anyways. tonight is that party, and then my parents and their friends will be taking the fun bus to other locations for the night. and steven's going to come over to watch monty python with me, and other fun nefarious activities. i guess you could say that we made up. i didnt chew him out like i wanted to. actually, i gave him the silent treatment, and true to form, 24 hours of unanswered texts later, he was begging for forgiveness. which i dont mind so much. at least i got that much from him. so im going to shower now, and do other fun things. life is good.

love, kaatie

sell out boy.

DECEMBER 24, 2008. 12:02 AM
now that ive vented and switched pens, id like to wish everyone a merry christmas. honestly, i just want to forget everything for the next few days and relax for once. life is made of highs and low, i know that better than most, this is like a high and a low at the same time, it its mostly just like the low feeling ive come to accept as a normal happening. its turbulent, i guess. but like everything else, this too shall pass. thank god for that. i dont really remember what i asked for for christmas, but whatever i get, its chill. the only thing i really covet right now is a new phone with a QWERTY keyboard. i know im getting a set of golf clubs and rockband, which is exciting, no lie. OH and nana is getting me a pair of wayfarers. which is thrilling.

And fall out boy, despite the fact that island has made them all radio whores, still has kickass lyrics. provacative, witty, amazing. Folie a Deux is decent ONLY because wentz is an exceptional lyricist. thats all i have to say about that, i guess. its too bad that they had to let me down, because i truely worshiped that band. but now, they're known to me as sell out boy, the faggy losers. wow.

love, kaatie

dont call me a whore.

DECEMBER 23, 2008. 11:51 PM
its really frustrating that i have to take my computer downstairs at night, because its damned hard to blog when i dont have such a device to blog on. And during the day, i never feel like i have anything to write about. After i say goodnight to my parents and turn off the lights is when im assulted by emotion on most nights. but then again, writing it all down manually works fine too. i guess as long as my devoted fans [eye roll] get told about my troubles, its all good. since i know soo many people read this [*insert sigh] oh well. i still get a nice release from this, a writer's high, if you will.

there are a couple of tings that seem to be clouding my thoughts that should be merry, since in 3 mintues it will be christmas eve. it doesnt feel like christmas though. what it feels like is a nightmare. the major characters in said nightmare are myself, tevyn, and steven. all people that usually cause me trouble, i know. but with so many things going on so quickly, and at the same time, everything feels a little dreamlike and surreal. its not good, because i think that might be because im feeling a little guilty. but ill get to that in a minute.

okay so, i want to talk about steven first, because thats what fresh on my mind, it seems as though he's my only solid friend, and thas kinda stange, but whatever. but last night, he called me to tel me that he was "the only imperfect thing in my imperfect life." at first, i was upset, sad, and whathaveyou. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is the BIGGEST attention whore ive ever met in my entire life. i know because whenever he bitches about how much his life sucks, i bend over backwards to try and fix it. and do i ever get repaid with anything? i think not! i dont even get loyalty. as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he decides that he doesnt need me. dumb fucker. ill have none of that, i fully intend on telling him all this next time i see him, and i honestly dont care if he things im a bitch. it really has to be done, or else hell never realize that he needs to quit complaining and GROW UP.

now tevyn: ohhh goodness. yesterdat we were texting and he [not me] suggested that we watch a movie. except, he meant at his house, just the two of us. and his film suggestions were even sort of erotic: sweeny todd and moulin rouge. so i decided that it would be better if we went to carmike and actually saw a movie in theatres. so i recruited parker and erica to go see yes man with us [it was dumb, not that funny] so we went. it was eerily like a double date, except it was a mearly for fun, friendly outing. to me, at least, since me and tevyn are not dating. we talked alot, before, during, and after the movie. about almost everything, including beliefs and religion, which i hardly talk about with anyone. not even mil, as of yet. there was no physical contact, though he tried to kiss me a few times during the movie. i kind of wanted to at the time, but im SO glad that i didnt. the chemistry we have [or it seems like we have, anyway] is addicting and exciting, but i know where to draw the line. and kissing is definately across that line. going anywhere at all might be added to across the line very soon. i did decide that i want to give him a shot eventally though. i think itll be good. the hired help at arbys thought we were a couple, which was ironic in a bad way but funny at the same time. ah, well. at least it seems like ive gotten my fix for a while. i wasnt as impulsed to text him today. ugh. i really am terrible.

so as you can see, i happen to be a very fucked up individual. if you must comment, dont tell me that im a dumb whore. i already know that.
love, kaatie

weaknesses and redundancy.

ho, hum. ABC family is a christmas guilty pleasure of mine, but today they decided to let me down and play the incredibles and cars. and then, the incredibles and cars again. i mean honestly, i love animated movies almost as much as i love art and music, but my god. the same bland plotlines twice in a row!? and cars goes on and on and on. ive never actually been able to watch the whole thing without getting distracted and walking away. but oh well. i would definately rather be watching a classic stop motion christmas movies, but whatever. im in the wierdest mood right now, and id like to dedicate this post to blaming tevyn james bell for my strife. oh and, emilio is going to be in florida for the next week or so with his dad for christmas. and when i heard this, i immediately asked myself, why do i date people that are not from around here? i know the answer: because i hate it here, and like to pretend that this is not my home town. but honestly, all i could think about was zach and his stupid trips home to new york. but i dont talk about him anymore. jeeez.

so anyway. back to tevyn, or as me and karri affectionately nicknamed him, lucifer. because he is like the devil but i just cant get enough of him, or so it seems. when i first met him, i was overwhelmed by the reasons i thought that i should be with him. you know, like we have so much in common, we would be good for eachother, so on, and so forth. but then i got control over myself, and i was like, no katie, he's just playing games, he's clearly just messing with you. and i thought that it would be better from then on. but it didnt get better. like last night, we were chatting it up on facebook. i started with my usual resolve, countering his, you know you want me with a little what the hell does someone like you want with someone like me? But then, suddenly, he was confessing [fakely?!] that he's a closet romantic and that he only gets emotionally involved when he wants to. but we're so similar, i get to thinking. if we went out, wouldnt it work like, amazingly? wouldnt we know exactly what the other one wanted and needed and hated? because we're practically the same person. we understand what we mean, even on stuff that the whole rest of the world thinks is a little off base. compatibility is not something that ive ever gotten to experiance in a relationship before. like, me and emilio dont have anything in common. but nonetheless, our relationship is fabulous. tevyn is a fabulous talker, and i admit that i have a weakness for those. just like i have a weakness for smart people and redheads. and guess what? he's both of those.

me and jason appel plotted about warped tour oh nine today, and its going to be the shit. 30h!3, breathe carolina, bayside, brokencyde, cash cash, escape the fate, every avendue, hit the lights, i set my friends on fire, scary kids scaring kids, millionaires, sing it loud, the ataris, the devil wears prada, the maine, the white tie affair, there for tomorrow, and valencia. oh, and i met a really cool kid named alex taylor. he's fly.

love, kaatie

best friend stealer.

okay so, im a jealous person right? you all know that already, its one of my less than endearing qualities. but its the wierdest thing: im jealous, and fiercely so, of stevens new girlfriend. It pisses me off mostly because she's a freshman. and i dont like steven in that way, but honestly. she's absolutely adorable and smart, apparently. and she does hardcore drugs, which in stevens eyes, probably makes her infinately cooler than me. so in other words, ive been replaced by a freshman. an asian freshman, no less. not that i have anything against asians, duh. but she's just so perfect looking with her almond shaped eyes and thick black hair and perfect skin. i decided that i hate her, and he way she stole my bestest friend. but whatever, i guess. they wont be together forever, and when they break up, ill still be his bestest friend. and she'll be the bitch. its not like theyre getting married or anything. he only talks to her on the bus. thats where they met, which is the dumbest thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. i mean, seriously. yeah, im dating a kid from my bus. he's awkward looking with her. they dont look like they fit. all in all, the situation pisses me off. i dont want to be with him, but i loved his previously undying devotion, that died. i loved the fact that even though i rejected him, we still had that super strong bond that nothing could come between. i didnt even let mil come between us. he was still the most important person in my life. but ohhh, no. one day of bus girl and suddenly, he doesnt even tell me that he loves me, something that we've been saying to eachother for more than a year. and he doesnt sit with me on the bus anymore. what the fuck kind of bus buddy best friend is that?!

tomorrow is going to be great, i think. its the last day of exams, and i only have drawing and newspaper. blowoff test and a christmas party. and its ugly christmas sweater day. my sweater is kickass, check my facebook sometime for pictures. i have amazing christmas presents to give to everyone too, but i wont say what they are in case people are reading this. well, i guess i can say everyones except my lovely hashbrown....i got mil an AE hoodie. steven's getting a chinese fighting fish [hes dating an asian, how ironic]. karri's getting an really cute F21 hat and scarf. stephology, amazing shoelaces. and caylin, i havent decided what to do. i got a somewhat generic F21 necklace, but she's been quite a bitch to me, so i dont really want to give it to her. i know that sounds terrible, but hey. if we arent going to be friends, i dont want to give her a christmas gift. i might give it to erica instead. thats terrible, isnt it? she texted me last night, and was like, im sorry i blew up at you the other day. i dont really think texts can make up for her blatent rudeness, and i find it hard to believe that she values our friendship at all. but ill think about it. im generally pretty forgiving.

i dont know why i have all of these hateful feelings right now. oh wait, yes i do. pms.
love, kaatie

things i never want to be.

there are some things i would never like to be. one of them is fat. seriously, if any of you notice that in my facebook pictures that im starting to look a little porky, let me know immediately! and then stab me with an ice pick in the back of the neck. and then promptly put me on a diet. other things on the list never to be is repulsive in any way, shape or form. and never to smell, with the exception of after hockey games/practices, because if i dont smell like sweat after hockey, it means i didnt sweat, and if i didnt sweat, i didnt work hard enough. i also dont want to acquire a straight up bad reputation. like, i know that my ways make people talk, which is hilarious because of all things im definately not a slut, no matter how many boys i talk to. but i dont want to be labeled as a loser or something. unless that label contains the words arrogant, pretentious, or something else of that nature. because i definately am. i dont know, thats probably why i feel like i have to get this out there: if i was nasty, i dont know how i would be able to go on! seriously, if people smell or are really fat, other people remember and talk about it. or at least, i know i do. and i dont want to be talked about like that. plus, it would be such a waste of my charm and good looks if i was gross, dont you think?

my facebook account is unavalible right now, which is annoying. who knows, thats probably a sign that i need to get up off my ass and get the driveway snowblown, since it snowed like two inches last night. i dont mind so much; i would prefer real winter to the puss winter with slush and lukewarmness anyway. or maybe its a sign that i need to get offline and study for my chemistry final, which looms over my head scarily. todays finals included algebra II, which wasnt so bad i guess, and fashion, which was super easy. you know. i used to think i was a good test taker, but not so much anymore. i hate taking tests, especially ones in math and chemistry. i work so slowly, i never have time to finish, which frustrates me because i feel like if i could get the damn things finished, i could get a halfway decent grade. but no. i hate those classes so much, but i discovered that i have at least one friend in both of them next semester.

thats decent, i guess, except my friend in chemistry happens to be tevyn, and i dont care what my instincts tell me, that is not good. im making a logical case with myself to never talk to that kid again, because honestly, he means trouble. its not that i like him, really. i know that about ninty percent of what he says to me he doesnt mean, and what he does mean, he's only telling me because he wants to get in my pants. im fully aware of these things, but i talk to him anyway. and whats worse: i look forward to talking to him, and sometimes i text him first. believe me, i confuse myself with such actions also. but its like, ive never known someone who has such an addicting effect to me like that. he draws me in and makes me want to keep talking to him. he makes the utterly impossible things he proposes sound like no big deal. AND he makes it seem like he's supremely attractive and like im extremely stupid for not wanting him. i do want him though, at least a little bit. because for everything thats wrong with him [the fact he wants me to cheat on mil, the fact that he's already hooked up with at least two other girls at carroll, and theyre both in show choir and theyre both disgusting, the fact that hes in showchoir himself, the fact that he dresses awkwardly sometimes, his bad hair] we still have things in common and he still has those magical blue eyes...and he's still a total womanizer [excuse me while i sing, that song is stuck in my head.] i guess the bad out weighs the good, but that doesnt make me like him any less. possibly because im an idiot?

oh well. i have to study. more later, or tomorrow.
love, kaatie

triumphant return.

hey, guess who?! hell yeah kids, its katie. in case you forgot, im that easy breezy hippie swinger that loves music, art, and fashion and delights in a good time. things have been so crazy lately, and i was a bit to wrapped up in my own head for a while there, so i decided to take a break and detox, if you will, from spending so much time every day talking about my pathetic life. but things have changed so much in the last month, i kid you not. i believe i am a completely different person. that concert was amazing, by the way. my warped tour shoes are complete, and carolina liar is definately one of my new favorite bands. i guess they have been for a while...a lot of bands have joined those ranks as of lately though. and some unlikely songs hailing from the mainstream have found their way into my heart..er, head. forever by chris brown and womanizer by brittany spears. chris brown cranks out hits that are purely radio every now and then, so it doesnt surprise me that i like forever. but brittany spears....thats different. stab me, but i love her. her videos suck ass, but her music...its not that her lyrics are good. but all of her recent stuff is fabulously catchy. so, there you go. i submit to some popular songs/musicians. but hannah montanna still makes me bleed out the ears.

but more important things have happened to me since i last posted than finding a few new favorite songs. for starters, caylin and i are not really friends anymore. she's a piece of work though, lemme tell you. its not that i dont like her, really, but her attitude is tiresome. all she ever does is cause drama, and she definately acts like she doesnt want to be friends anyway. so i decided that it wasnt worth my time. but, as easily as i seem to lose best friends, i find them easy to replace. fickle bitch says you? easier that way, says i. seriously though. ashley and i reconnected, which is amazing. and karri, aka karrigan marie aka my sister in law serious journalism partner in crime is my bestest friend ever. we have good times in newspaper and we're basically the shit. that unmentionable boy, well, his name is troy temple and he joined the army. he's fun to bother sometimes. and dustin? he actually isnt creepy at all. in fact, DW is one of the smartest, sweetest people i know. totally dateable, though, even though i use the word sweet, if he's reading this. he's an intellegent boy, proof that they really do exist. i consider him the big brother i never had. and ill love him forever, even though his sister is BW and she likes emilio. or so we thing. and let's not forget emilio...i didnt think it would last this long, but things are still absolutely fantastic. its the exact sort of relationship i imagined would result from having your first kiss together under the stars. we fight, but its cute, and there's always a lot of making up afterwards. im not sure love is the word, because im not going to go through all of that again, but i care about him more than i expected to. things are perfect in my perfect life.

or at least they were, until this other boy came crashing into my life. i met him in chemistry class, of all places. the one class where i dont need any distractions. but oh my god, he's a distraction and a half times infinity. his name is tevyn bell and he's probably the most attractive boy ive ever been good friends with. he likes all of the same music as i do, plays seven instruments, plays soccer, is smart, gets good grades, and is from south africa. he has the most amazing blue eyes, the kind that remind you of the sky in july, but are deeper and kinder and a hell of a lot more intoxicating. i know, it sounds like there's something going on, doesnt it? well, i wont deny that i like him. it hard not to. even emilio is friends with him. tevyn is a whole new thing for me...its like meeting myself as a male. he's confident and flattering and even has red hair. but i do my best to not let myself think about him too much. its hard though. and uh....did i mention that he wants to be friends with benefits?

yeah. more on that later. im sure its going to come up about every day. but at least its almost christmas! only one more week of school...finals start on wednesday. and then a half day friday, which hopefully, ill be spending at mil's. but i think i need some sleep now. this was nice. i kind of forgot the release i got from blogging to anyone and everyone that cares to read my innermost thoughts. which arent that inner after theyre on here, are they? perplexing. goodnight.

love, kaatie