two days until the concert.

its either very late or very early, and im so tired, but i figured that since ive been depriving myself of this outlet i would post tonight because im going to be gone tomorrow and sunday. tomorrow, i have two hockey games, then its off to michigan to see we the kings, the academy is..., hey monday, and carolina liar. im so excited, you have no idea. i hope i see ezekiel the merch guy again. that would totally make my day, because hes so tight. and if i could meet travis clark again and have the rest of the band sign my shoes...ohh, life would just be amazing. and william beckett....yumm :]

things with steven were...interesting today. i didnt say anything to him, but i couldnt stop thinking about it. i told mil, and he was supportive and appropriately shocked. i almost cried as i was telling him though, which i think may have freaked him out a little bit. then i felt bad, and a little self centered. i wont let it happen though. ill have him at my house every day. i wont let him out of my sight [steven that is. not mil, although i want him to be with me all the time so badly its crazy]...thats how ill make sure everything is fine. tonight we went to the haunted jail in columbia city, which was the scariest thing ive ever experianed in my life. i did a lot of screaming and i didnt let go of mil if i could help it...it was cute the way he held me. but we were both terrified. im so jumpy anyway. i bet it was hilarious to see the two of us, at least for the actors there. then we chilled at taco bell. which was exciting, no lie. we make good three muskateers.

i must sleep. and dream of 1) my man. and 2) my other man, travis clark. but mostly my own, because i dont think you can top that.
love, kaatie

things that matter and things that dont.

i know some things: kissing my boy makes my head spin and my heart race. steven scott grim is my best friend and i would be absolutely nothing without him. newspaper class is absolutely amazing. my life has its little ups and downs, but is absolutely amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

my first story is silly, and trivial. today, karri mentioned a secret and i mentioned it to mil, and he obviously had one, so i like finally got it out of him. apparently, like last tuesday, he was in earthspace science and this girl came up to him and asked him if he was dating me. and for some random reason he said no. probably because we'd been going out for less than twenty four hours and people had been asking us both for the entire month we'd been talking. my guess is, he answered automatically, like he was used to. which is fine with me, personally. because going out doesnt make you a part of eachother. thats what time does. but anyway, as soon as he said it, he started to freak out. because apparently, he thought that his subconcious was trying to tell him that he didnt want to really be with me, which was not the case, as ive been assured by karri. but he made a huge deal about it and i thought it was funny. ohh, boys and their silly ideas. but honestly, things with us couldnt be better.

but this is serious. nick lytle, my favorite baby daddy and best friend ever, told me something that made me cry and made me scared and is making me not want to sleep for the rest of my life. he said that steven wants to kill himself. and i dont really know what to do. immediately, i thought of similar events and about how ive been in this situation before. i told someone, and ultimately, they were alright. it took a while, and it took tears and hard work, but it paid off. so i want to tell someone. but then...steven is different. hes depressed and does drugs and is into all the wrong things, and doesnt care about much of anything that matters. i dont know what would happen if i told someone what was going on with him. he would obviously get help, but wouldnt he get in trouble also? would his parents even be supportive? would they care? but the smarter side of me wants to go to someone first thing in the morning, and talk to them about it. i know this is serious, every health class ive ever talken has drilled this into my head. but im scared...to lose him as a friend, but i guess if i dont do anything, i might lose him completely. and i dont know if i could ever recover from that. he told nick he was giving it a year.

i guess i know what i have to do, but i dont know how to do it. im crying and im scared, and thinking about it makes it all the more real to me. it makes me wonder if i could have prevented this somehow. actually, it makes me wonder something very specific: if we were together, would any of this be happening? someone help me.

love, kaatie

political soup.

today at school there was a motivational speaker instead of homeroom and activity period. not going to lie, he was probably the most inspiring person ive ever heard speak in my entire life. his story was so touching that i cried, and it really made me want to change for the better. he talked about forgiveness and moving forward in your life, which really hit home because of the way things are with my mom. after his presentation, im willing to let everything go and just work on forming a better relationship with her. i kind of wish that she heard him speak too, though. actually, i think everyone should hear this guy speak once in their life. yeah, hes that good. maybe we should elect him president, if barack obama doesnt work out. speaking of my man obama, im super jazzed that he won the election. but my dad was saying something about his bailout plan affecting my ability to go to Pratt for college because i wont be able to get student loans to pay for it. which would REALLY piss me off. no lie. so now, even though obama won and ive been for him from the beginning, im a little uneasy. i mean, its waay exciting that im consiously living through such a historic election. i dont mean that hes the first african american president, even though thats why people are calling it historic. i dont give a damn if hes black. or white, or mexican, or gay, or rich or poor. those kinds of things couldnt mean less to me. rather, im fascinated by obamas socialist ideals. i find the idea of socialism to be good and beneficial, so to be young while such practices might be implemented in the united states...wow. ive always wondered what it was like to live through things like the USSR or WWII or the French Revolution. did those people know that the things that went on in their world, the politics that their parents debated at the dinner table, the things they chatted about with their friends....the things that were actually going on in the world...if those things would actually be a part of history to come. bush was possibly the worst president in american history. i think, historically, he will be one of those leaders, like for instance, stalin, who came in to change something and left the whole world wondering, what the fuck were you even thinking? and now that our world [our precious PRINCIPLE OF INTERVENTION >:(] is a such a critical point, im ready to witness some history. congratulations, president obama.

four more days until i see my beloved travis again!
love, kaatie

i never cease to thrill.

i discovered, much to my surprise and probably the surprise of many others, something about myself today: i am a commitmentphobe. the feeling hit me all at once. but when i think about it, long term relationships have never really been my thing. when i think about it, after the guy and me actually sit down and talk about being official, things change. for me at least. and thats why it always feels like relationships change the second that they start for me, i think. when we're talking, everythings fine. because im not scared, then. but then WHAM all of a sudden, were together. a couple. we have to do everything that that horrible, nasty word entails. not that i dont like being in a relationship. deffffinately not that. i love the feeling of being loved, and being in a relationship give me some amount of tangible security, i guess. but i dont like all of the things that couples think theyre supposed to do. like, for instance, celebrate 1 month anniversaries, and spend every waking minute together. talk every passing period. you know, all the formalities and such...i dont know. i just think its wierd. does this even make any sense to anyone? i just like things to be the way they are before things are labeled, i guess.

which brings me to the point of my story. today, mil stayed after school with me to keep me company during layout night. and after a while of just staring at my homework, we decided to go mess around somewhere [carroll high school has many amusing locations to do such a thing, you just have to search for them. and always be on your toes. you never know when a janitor is going to pop out of no where!] so we went on that little jaunt and ended up coming back down the stairs by the room where the newspaper staff was chilling, holding hands and just like, talking. and this one girl was like, "WHOA what were you guys just doing?!" and im like, "uhh, nothing abby." because shes wierd and i dont think ive ever talked to her in my life. and then she said "well, you never know. but nine months later..." and i was just like, ok. thats wierd as hell. so we were sitting in the newspaper room by karri. so later i said something about us being in a crowded room, so maybe such pda was not wise, and he was like, why? your my girl. and that really made my day. thats what relationships should be about...not labels or commitment. just solid feelings, trust, and that tingly feeling i get every time he touches me. :]

ELECTION DAY = OBAMA'08
love, kaatie

sweet freedom.

Im ungrounded, a few days early which excites me to an extreme. like you dont even know. so im going to start blogging regularly again, which may or may not be a good thing in the grand scheme of things. if anyone cares, then its your lucky day. and its my lucky day, because i can like, share things now. things have been good for me lately with the exception of today, because today was just a little...wierd. i mean, not really wierd, but not usual...who even knows. im just waaay out of it. probably because im tired and so stressed out that i dont even know if ill be able to handle it. thats why im blogging at this moment, by the way. i need to unwind before i can start my homework.

but things happened today: for one, justo lamas came to our school and preformed a bitchin concert in spanish. me and stephanie decided that it was a warmup for the amazing show were going to on sunday [which is in 6 days!] anyway. if you dont know who justo is, then you're definately missing out. hes basically this spanish pop star type deal that preforms at schools to teach spanish and raise awareness [get ready for this - its crazy] schitzofrenia/suicide. he sings and dances for three whole hours, while people scream and pretend that hes cool because he doesnt speak much english [during the show, he criticizes himself for not taking english in highschool. because he didnt think our language was important. pfffft, what was he thinking?] and take pictures with flash because thats encouraged i guess. his favorite dance moves include swaying he knees back and forth, and pelvic thrusts. and he flipped his greasy, shoulder length blonde hair upside down exactly 146 times during the show. during one song, he walked up and down the two main aisles in the large auditorium and sang, for some unknown purpose. actually, i think the purpose was so that people sitting in the aisle could touch him. AND I DID. yes, he suggestively squeezed my left hand. you know you're jealous. after the show, i got a picture signed and whatnot. i was aproximately 3 feet away from a creepy argentine man that sings for little children and dances suggestively. what a day, what a day.

basically, nothing else has changed. me and mil are still good. we've been going out for a week. on halloween, he came over and we passed out candy. my parents still suck.

now, i must go waste time elsewhere.
love,kaatie