downward spiral.

i feel like things are getting a little bit [a lot, actually] out of control. i cant seem to get a grip or even understand whats going on. things are going way to fast for me to comprehend, and i cant make enough sense of the present to stop them. so essentially, im powerless to all of this. of course, if i could just wake up and say no, or at least say something, i might be able to keep my life from slipping entirely from my grasp. everything seemed fine this week, but i think that thats because i had school to distract me from whats going on inside my head. i dont know what i was thinking: everything is about as far from perfect as it could me. things with ethan are approaching freight train speeds. i dont think that anyone understands that. not sarah, even though shes been trying to help me from the beginning. definately not caylin. i dont know whats up with her lately. she always seems a little involved with her stress, and worried about all the wrong things. maybe i should try that...worrying about all the unimportant things. or maybe its the opposite, and im the one that should be thinking about different stuff. either way, she wont listen. i cant talk to ethan. ill explain that in a minute. i think ashley is in such a state that she wouldnt even want to listen. janna...maybe. but not likely. besides, i dont want to extend my drama into their weekend. its supposed to be the best three days of their lives, after all.

ethan is different than any guy that ive ever talked to, much less dated. way different. and to be perfectly honest and clear, i am absolutely scared to death. the way he sees it, you should only go out with people you truely care about, and said relationships should last a long time. kisses should mean something every time, and if it doesnt mean something, you shouldnt be doing it. hes almost ridiculously romantic. and i know, about a week ago, i was praying that i could find someone like that, but man, is this hard to grasp. that someone could actually be more into love and romance than i have always been. or previously was, as im starting to think. i guess its back to the upper hand thing that i talked about a long time ago. yes, if i date him, ill have it. but at the same time, i couldnt bear to be in control because of the sincerity that hes putting into all of this. thats not going out, its getting married. and at this point, at least, im not ready for that kind of commitment. not at all. that might be because one week ago, i was totally and completely shattered, but still. its highschool. this is not the time...if there ever is a time. and i dont see someone like him and someone like me staying together. once again, im dipping below those standards that i set for myself, trying to make it so i wouldnt go out with any more of those guys that only piss me off. hes not as bad as steven, but still. all of this is just freaking me out. i want it all to stop, to just go away. actually, what i want is zach. badly. not going to lie.

speaking of zach and stressing me out, who the hell does this taylor lamphier think she is? she actually messaged me on facebook and tried to play it off like she didnt do anything, and neither did zach. that everything was just peachy. she said sorry about twelve times in a twelve line conversation. it was extremely sketchy and only made me more mad, and all the more curious. obviously, she did something. and honey, if you tell me that you hate to think that someone doesnt like you, i am going to go out of my way to make sure whoever plays with you on tuesday gives you that impression. and the entire carroll team, for that matter. i know they will too [except maybe GoBlah, but no one likes her. everyone else has my back] i hope it effects your golf game, taylor. a fair trade for fucking up my life.

i wish i could sleep without dreaming. but maybe better, now that ive gotten this off my chest.
love, kaatie

TGIF.

i dont have much to write about, except that school was good again, and the football game was fun. the most exciting thing that happened during the day was forgetting to do my letter to amy tan for english. i got to sit out in the hall with megan the entire class period. and just chill. every once and a while miss ocock would stick her head out the door and be like, hows it going? and we would say something to the effect of, oh, were just working hard! and she would shut the door again. good times. megan is pretty amazing. art class was good, i think im getting the hang of colored pencil. at lunch, me and some other staffers figured out that our crystal lights were like two and a half years expired, so we took them back to the lunch ladies and scored a free one each. i started my article, and its going to be good, i think. youre welcome in advance, band kids. im really talking you up. i pretty much slept through chemistry, until mrs bell called on me. and then, i said the wrong answer to the question she asked, making everyone else chuckle. but hey, it was fourth period. about the time my coffee wears off. afternoon classes...bombed the test in fashion but still somehow have almost an a+. now thats skill. actually, its because of my kickass poster that mulligan absolutely loved. then english.

then golf, dinner, and the game. all whirled by, a little too fast, if you ask me. but no one did. no one ever does, i dont think. except ethan said something that really made me think.

we were texting and stuff, and somehow the conversation got to kissing. and he said he didnt think we were to that point, or something like that. and i was like, ok? so i was confused by that, and i asked him to explain himself. so he did. he said that basically, he didnt just want it to be another kiss. he wanted it to mean someting. which isnt a strange concept, or even a bad one. it was just so crazy to actually have someone tell me that, about two weeks after i decided that guys like that didnt exist. that there was no noah calhouns. no supermans. no one cared like that, it was only in the movies. but ethan...i think he really does care. its too bad i didnt meet him before i gave in to a life of cynicism. but i think i may have met my match: someone to turn me around.

love, kaatie

my streak continues.

so today was good also. its kinda wierding me out, how well school and golf and friends and other things of that nature are going. especially considering what happened monday. i didnt expect this to be probably the best week of my life. everything just seems to be clicking. things with ethan are good, and the little speed issue has been handled. meaning, we had a little conversation about how waiting is a good idea. rushing into relationships is very bad. VERY bad. look at what happened with steven. [maybe i never told that story. that was preblog, i think. well, what happened was: steven told me that he liked me and one week later guilted me into making out with him/ going out with him. it lasted less than a month but i was miserable the entire time. because he pissed me off and he was a loser and he wasnt my type. among other things. moral of the story = dont date your best guy friend. and dont rush into relationships, also. obviously] at least ethans down with that though. it wouldnt be very helpful if he was one of those guys that liked the security of actually being an established couple. but maybe this will actually be beneficial. it might prevent the effect of dating: that gross coupleyness. who knows? i expect things will work out, either way. school was good again today. in kilmers class, we talked about out next assignment, which is a graphite portrait. suprisingly, im excited about it, even though i hate graphite, and i hate portraits. but i have a subject in mind...yeah. but thats a secret, for now. im still working on the colored pencil, anyway. in newspaper, me and kari ran around and interviewed some freshman. i had a hot showchoir date with sawyer and watched the sq's dance for a while. exciting, right? we laughed the entire time, basically. then we went and talked to some seniors and a junior that mr k told me was a freshman. it was the most fun ive had in a while, basically. now i have to write the article. it shouldnt be too tough, though. because i got the exact kind of interviews i needed. in english, my group totally bombed our presentation. but it was kinda funny, and i dont care anyway. so i wont complain. golf was fun even though we played grey goose, which is the shittiest course in existance. i shot a 46, and had two pars and an eagle. YES, AN EAGLE. ON A PAR 5. it was so exciting. we won. and velpel was just losing it. soo funny. i definately love her, and sarah.

tomorrow is the a chinese dinner date with caylin and stephanie, then the football game. which is super exciting, in my opinion. and thats basically it. im glad that my 50th post was about happy stuff.
love, kaatie

i thought i could kid myself.

the next one will be my 50th post, which is pretty nifty, in my opinion. ive kept this up for quite a while now, and so many things have changed. like that intro post is only about half true, i think. i dont know. i havent read it in a while. actually, i havent read anything old for a while. but i definately think i should, so i have something to laugh at. maybe i should recap some of those moments that i was previously so angry with zach, to try to relight that fire. because getting over him is definately not going to be as easy as i thought. actually, its going to be very, very hard. i dont know what it is about him, either. hes not that special. he never called me back when he said he would. just generally not that great. he was awkwardly tall, too. its wierd though, because after what he did, i just kinda figured i would hit the ground running, bounce right back, and be happy right away. which is not going to happen. i miss him, despite everything. and what i said a few posts ago, that i was just a little pissed, is a lie. im more than a little pissed. i didnt cry that day. i was trying so hard to just be brave. but now its not on my mind all the time. but remember those little things that all reminded me of him? how they used to make my day? well, all those little things about made me cry today. every single one. i swear to goodness, ive never felt so pathetic, or weak. he cheated, for the love of god. i should still be seething two days later. i should be so pissed. way incredibly angry. but im not. because i know deep down, that i still love him. and i probably always will.

but that doesnt mean that im not trying. i know what i want, so im going to use this to my advantage. i know im shallow, and semi attractive is a minimum. and semi fashionable. but that you can change, i suppose. he must be mature, and sweet. but not disgustingly so. theres always a balance. i also know that i need my space, and if i dont get my space im a very unhappy person. whoever is so lucky to date me next better not make me the center of his universe. that pisses me off like no other. he better do other stuff besides text me all the time. be busy sometimes. and i like kissing. alot. thats kindof important, i think. im pretty chill about who i date, obviously. so, as long as ethan fits the bill, i think i may be all set. except for one thing. i seem to be quite stuck on the past. i never saw a reason not to say i love you. like, its usually no big deal for me, because i tend to throw myself at whoever im with at a particular time. and fast isnt a word that i would have used to describe ethan, say, yesterday. but my god. one hug [which was, to say the least, the best hug ive ever recieved in my life. from anyone. and while it was a nice change to not be a whole foot shorter, i definately missed that adorable awkwardness for a split second before he said it. and i was like, no. that is not ok. because i still think that i love zach. and thats why im so confused.

but i guess itll be better as time passes. maybe.
love, kaatie

it was chill and i loved it.

yes, called it! today was just as good as yesterday. and oh my god. mulligan asked ME to design the sashes for the homecoming king and queen. i find that amazing and a little intimidating. but seriously, how exciting is it when the fashion teacher asks you, out of the whole school, to actually design the sash for homecoming. super exciting, and totally a big deal. i was like, freaking out. in a good way of course. i also got to attend two lunches because of newspaper and having nothing to do. snuck around school for a while. talked to ethan alot. told the story about how zach never called me back last night alot. got to play in a foursome with sarah for the east noble golf match, and a ginger! but it was a girl one, and an ugly girl at that. so we basically just made fun of her alot and both played incredibly bad. but a good time was had by all. except our number one girl, ashley shot a 52, which has never happened before. it was crazy, let me tell you.

my favorite part of the day was the following:
me: mom, zach still has my golf club.
mom: ok, call him and tell him to bring it back.
me: hell no, i dont want to talk to him. you call him.
mom: ok.

so she did. funniest thing ever.

so. thats about it.
love, kaatie

so thats the end of that.

zach cheated on me, and i broke up with him. im not really all that upset because he didnt care anyway. im mostly just a little pissed that he lied and that i was right, again. i guess i didnt learn much from that one, except sometimes you just have to do it. and that youll survive, no matter what. oh well. im on to better things. like someone who actually gives a shit. ashley got mad at me, i decided that i didnt really want to drag that out because theres some things about her that have bothered me for a really long time. it sucks though, because now ill probably never get to meet janna. not that she wants to meet me anymore, i dont think, but yknow. we were soul sisters at one point. her letter got returned to me in the mail, because i forgot to put a two cent stamp on it. go figure. i guess it doesnt matter though, because all of the things that i wrote about are completely invalid, like me being excited because i was going to hang out with zach in three days, and because i was coming to tennessee if i could convince my parents. ill rewrite one. one thats relevant.

so i guess thats the end of that.

all of my classes are going great, which is kind of suprising because this is about the point in the year where school usually catches up to me. about the same time that the drama catches up with me, in other words. sra. clendenen's first period is amazing. no question. hands down. favorite period of the day. felix is one of the only things keeping me sane right now. thank god for him. i have an a in algebra 2 honors after a whole chapter, which includes homework that ive done all of, a quiz, and a test. miracle. kilmers drawing class is great, because its art. miss briana amazes me every day. and the girl on my other side gets to listen to us talk about our troublesome relationships. which is awkward, but sorta funny. anyway. chem honors is tolerable because mrs bell is crazy. it makes the period go super fast. METER BOX! ITS SO BIG THAT I COULD HAVE SOME PETS IN HERE! OR FRIENDS! COME JOIN ME IN THE METER BOX! haha. insider. newspaper is amazing and kari is like the best partner ever. we're vip and we like to wander around school making mischif after lunch. in fashion, mulligan said that im going to suceed at fit or pratt, when i go there. which was pretty sweet to hear, because it makes me all the more confident in my future. the school part. not the zach part, because thats definately not going to be happening. which is good, because the more i think about it...its kindof gross to marry your highschool sweetheart and he doesnt really fit the bill of my dream guy. just throwing that out there. then seventh period english. our clique. its allll good. then after school! golf team is so much better than last year, because of our relationship therepy sessions with williams, and standing up for inben [sp??!] and her sunscreen. making fun on favorite and FF and CP and goblah with velpel and alysia and sarah, whom ive come to love dearly. shes amazing. who wouldve guessed? i just wrote out all that good stuff about today...wow.

friday is ethans pond party and the marion football game. and i am beyond excited. im even excited for school tomorrow because i know its gonna be drama free. im just gonna sit back, and enjoy it while it lasts.
love, kaatie

ideal sunday.

this is not the first post of an online war, if you were wondering. quit reading if you dont want to hear my point of view. if you have no idea what that means, then nevermind.

yes, well. we all do things wrong, i suppose. i accept that i am a human and that i have my moods and go though phases and periods and the like. i know that i can be a little obnoxious and maybe i am kinda arrogant. but i really dont think i did anything wrong this time. i can see how i might have been able to improve the situation to make ashley happy. what can i do now though? its definately after the fact, and after the fact you can change nothing. am i right? yes. i dont even know exactly why she is so veryvery angry, how ive been acting wierd, etc etc. i cannot change the past, or take back what i did or said, nor do i want to make excuses or beat around the bush and draw something out thats unnecessary in the first place. drama drama drama drama drama. that is not my ideal sunday. my ideal sunday involves being content and mulling over saturday night. which was fabulous and confusing, all at the same time. AND FOR THE RECORD: no plans were made and zach did not come over to caylins. ok? ok.

that project for fashion class [which im supposed to be working on right now] is going wonderfully. a good mistake allowed my mom to give me a fabulous idea which should make mine one of the best, if not the coolest poster ive ever created for anything. which is saying something, because both times i did llama club [hell yes! in third and fourth grade, haha] my poster was grade champion and went on to state. i dont know, i just think i have a good eye for stuff like balance and design. which is a little concieted, i know, but i think its pretty exciting.my other homework was pretty gay, which is normal. and ive been texting felix all day, which basically makes up for the squabble thats taking place. it defiately does. i think the only thing that would make me happier would be if zach called me, all on his own. but i think for the first time in a while, i would be ok if he didnt. i guess you could say that im confused, but know exactly what i want. if that makes any sense to you. im still trying to get it all figured out in my head. at least i know that whichever way it goes, things are going to be alright.

im starting to realize whats good for me.
love, kaatie

low.

life is confusing sometimes. it seemed like i knew exactly where i was going. i saw it. i was close. but then i glanced away, and when i looked back up, i couldnt see my destination anywhere? where had it gone? i asked myself, and then i realized that i couldnt even remember where i had been going.

i still cant.

i was running headlong for freedom, counting the days until i turn sixteen then eighteen then to the day i graduate. i dont even remember a time when i didnt. i couldnt wait to get out of this house, away from my parents, away from the restriction and opression and whathaveyou. i couldnt wait to be on my own, where i didnt have to fake anything for my parents. where i wasnt pressured to do things i dont really care about. where i could just be me, for me. so i could be with who i wanted to be with. now it feels like all of that is vain and selfish, and a little cruel to my parents. maybe a little stupid, and immature. ive never felt like this in my life. maybe it has something to do with being called closed minded, a slut, arrogant, and condescending all on the same day by my dad, who was previously my only ally in this house. its just an eye opener, i guess...maybe im a bitch, maybe im closed minded. maybe i love zach a lot too much. those are all likely possibilities. but all of these new thoughts dont really get me anywhere: all i really want is to not be pressured in golf, to spend more time with my friends, and to see zach more. and my parents are being obnoxiously stubborn and adminstering guilt trips left and right, making me feel like what theyre saying is actually legit.

ugh. everyone must think that im absolutely retarded for having another one of these parent fight posts the effing day after one about being happy, and feeling invincible and whatnot. it always happens like that though: one day high, the next low, the next night im crying myself to sleep, then im feeling loved and on top of the world. today did have one good part though: ethan and i sorta bonded. and it was pretty cool. im beginning to love first period. y yo no se porque a mi me gusta. es raro, no? ;]
love, kaatie

honestly, things are good right now.

ive been going out with zach for two months today, which means ive had this blog for about two months as well. which is pretty exciting, although i am neither more famous nor more respected. but i guess it does help with my mental health and i did start the fabulous blogging trend among several others, which makes me feel kinda cool. hell, when dont i feel cool? im a pretty cool kid.

i think joining newspaper was one of the best decisions i made while scheduling last year. i thought it would be a little nerdy, making me a 'word nerd', if you will, since it would have displayed my obscure love of writing. but its definately not like that at all. as i was sitting in class this morning drawing on the desk because we were learning about things that didnt interest me, i noticed that there are some nifty kids in that class. it kindof dawned on me that i was a part of a really smart, chic [as i looked at scott, who looks like a male model, and kyle, who has the best style of any guy ive ever seen, and jackie, who always looks amazing], involved group of kids. what other club offers that? ive already made friends, too. sarah and i were kinda friends from golf, but this year were like, actually good friends. and scott, and kari. i predict good times. starting with kari and my adventure title The 26o...in which we spend the day driving around fort waste looking for music and art related things to do that are actually fun...its going to be a benefit to fellow chargers since fort wayne is so freaking boring. there must be some underground music or art or something around here. surely the second largest city in indiana must have some culture.

i feel a little reckless today, but at the same time, content. there isnt anything that i really desperately want from life right now. i have a new set of challanges, friends, goals..a great relationship that remains important but not like smotheringly so. the golf team, which means always having something to do. my parents and i have been getting along lately, so things are relatively good at home. so i guess ive reached not a lull but a plateau of emotion, so to speak. its high, consistantly. with all of that, i want to do things that i normally wouldnt consider, because of random insecurity and the like. its not that i want to go crazy. i guess im just comfortable with myself right now. ima big sophomore now, watch out!

i really wish that i was older right now. just because. actually, theres a couple specific daydreams that made class go really fast today, but i dont want to write em out. something about writing things of that nature out just turns me off. id rather let it roll over and over in my mind and let it keep its hold on my imagination like it almost always does. its nice to have an imagination like i have: it keeps me entertained alot of the time.

i want to vote in the 08 election, for senator obama. but alas. not until next time. im sure by then, ill be even more solid in my blacksheep beliefs.
love, kaatie

subpar, for sure.

the acadamy is's new album that came out yesterday, and its pretty amazing. not gonna lie. its a close second for my favorite album ever, the best ever being we the kings, and then third place viva la cobra. but anyway. today was block day, and it was boring, like every other block day that ive ever experianced. fashion was pretty slow because jessica is like the most annoying person in the entire world, and she sat next to me and pissed me off way incredibly much just by being alive. but whatever, i guess? were doing the coolest project ever. we have to pick a celebritry and a country, and then style that celeb in that country for a 5 day promo tour. which is like, amazing, and not even like homework. i picked gabe saporta, because he has amazing style anyway. and south africa, because it would be fricking sweet to go there and party in jo'burg and cape town. seemed chic to me. anyway. of course, everyone else in the class picked someone from the fucking disney channel and a country in europe. except for the ones that picked ashlee simpson and paris hilton, and paris and milan and london. the teacher didnt catch that one. i almost told her, but i dont know. shes just a little dumb. but at least she hates miley cyrus and the jo bros as much as me. its kinda strange, i told my mom that she was almost retarded, and my mom called me arrogant. wierd, right? oh well. im arrogant, im a bitch, and i got asked if i was pregnant. interesting days.

i really hate when people try hard to be something theyre not. i hate cliches, and i hate when i get copied. or when people copy things in general. its kinda like....couldnt you be at least a little creative? i get inspired by stuff, but i like to put a little bit of my own spin on things. blatant idea stealing turns me off. i also hate the disney channel. just throwing that out there.

im especially wish that i was with zach tonight, just so you know. so im going to go lay on my bed and think about stuff.
love, kaatie