dont call me a whore.

DECEMBER 23, 2008. 11:51 PM
its really frustrating that i have to take my computer downstairs at night, because its damned hard to blog when i dont have such a device to blog on. And during the day, i never feel like i have anything to write about. After i say goodnight to my parents and turn off the lights is when im assulted by emotion on most nights. but then again, writing it all down manually works fine too. i guess as long as my devoted fans [eye roll] get told about my troubles, its all good. since i know soo many people read this [*insert sigh] oh well. i still get a nice release from this, a writer's high, if you will.

there are a couple of tings that seem to be clouding my thoughts that should be merry, since in 3 mintues it will be christmas eve. it doesnt feel like christmas though. what it feels like is a nightmare. the major characters in said nightmare are myself, tevyn, and steven. all people that usually cause me trouble, i know. but with so many things going on so quickly, and at the same time, everything feels a little dreamlike and surreal. its not good, because i think that might be because im feeling a little guilty. but ill get to that in a minute.

okay so, i want to talk about steven first, because thats what fresh on my mind, it seems as though he's my only solid friend, and thas kinda stange, but whatever. but last night, he called me to tel me that he was "the only imperfect thing in my imperfect life." at first, i was upset, sad, and whathaveyou. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is the BIGGEST attention whore ive ever met in my entire life. i know because whenever he bitches about how much his life sucks, i bend over backwards to try and fix it. and do i ever get repaid with anything? i think not! i dont even get loyalty. as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he decides that he doesnt need me. dumb fucker. ill have none of that, i fully intend on telling him all this next time i see him, and i honestly dont care if he things im a bitch. it really has to be done, or else hell never realize that he needs to quit complaining and GROW UP.

now tevyn: ohhh goodness. yesterdat we were texting and he [not me] suggested that we watch a movie. except, he meant at his house, just the two of us. and his film suggestions were even sort of erotic: sweeny todd and moulin rouge. so i decided that it would be better if we went to carmike and actually saw a movie in theatres. so i recruited parker and erica to go see yes man with us [it was dumb, not that funny] so we went. it was eerily like a double date, except it was a mearly for fun, friendly outing. to me, at least, since me and tevyn are not dating. we talked alot, before, during, and after the movie. about almost everything, including beliefs and religion, which i hardly talk about with anyone. not even mil, as of yet. there was no physical contact, though he tried to kiss me a few times during the movie. i kind of wanted to at the time, but im SO glad that i didnt. the chemistry we have [or it seems like we have, anyway] is addicting and exciting, but i know where to draw the line. and kissing is definately across that line. going anywhere at all might be added to across the line very soon. i did decide that i want to give him a shot eventally though. i think itll be good. the hired help at arbys thought we were a couple, which was ironic in a bad way but funny at the same time. ah, well. at least it seems like ive gotten my fix for a while. i wasnt as impulsed to text him today. ugh. i really am terrible.

so as you can see, i happen to be a very fucked up individual. if you must comment, dont tell me that im a dumb whore. i already know that.
love, kaatie

weaknesses and redundancy.

ho, hum. ABC family is a christmas guilty pleasure of mine, but today they decided to let me down and play the incredibles and cars. and then, the incredibles and cars again. i mean honestly, i love animated movies almost as much as i love art and music, but my god. the same bland plotlines twice in a row!? and cars goes on and on and on. ive never actually been able to watch the whole thing without getting distracted and walking away. but oh well. i would definately rather be watching a classic stop motion christmas movies, but whatever. im in the wierdest mood right now, and id like to dedicate this post to blaming tevyn james bell for my strife. oh and, emilio is going to be in florida for the next week or so with his dad for christmas. and when i heard this, i immediately asked myself, why do i date people that are not from around here? i know the answer: because i hate it here, and like to pretend that this is not my home town. but honestly, all i could think about was zach and his stupid trips home to new york. but i dont talk about him anymore. jeeez.

so anyway. back to tevyn, or as me and karri affectionately nicknamed him, lucifer. because he is like the devil but i just cant get enough of him, or so it seems. when i first met him, i was overwhelmed by the reasons i thought that i should be with him. you know, like we have so much in common, we would be good for eachother, so on, and so forth. but then i got control over myself, and i was like, no katie, he's just playing games, he's clearly just messing with you. and i thought that it would be better from then on. but it didnt get better. like last night, we were chatting it up on facebook. i started with my usual resolve, countering his, you know you want me with a little what the hell does someone like you want with someone like me? But then, suddenly, he was confessing [fakely?!] that he's a closet romantic and that he only gets emotionally involved when he wants to. but we're so similar, i get to thinking. if we went out, wouldnt it work like, amazingly? wouldnt we know exactly what the other one wanted and needed and hated? because we're practically the same person. we understand what we mean, even on stuff that the whole rest of the world thinks is a little off base. compatibility is not something that ive ever gotten to experiance in a relationship before. like, me and emilio dont have anything in common. but nonetheless, our relationship is fabulous. tevyn is a fabulous talker, and i admit that i have a weakness for those. just like i have a weakness for smart people and redheads. and guess what? he's both of those.

me and jason appel plotted about warped tour oh nine today, and its going to be the shit. 30h!3, breathe carolina, bayside, brokencyde, cash cash, escape the fate, every avendue, hit the lights, i set my friends on fire, scary kids scaring kids, millionaires, sing it loud, the ataris, the devil wears prada, the maine, the white tie affair, there for tomorrow, and valencia. oh, and i met a really cool kid named alex taylor. he's fly.

love, kaatie

best friend stealer.

okay so, im a jealous person right? you all know that already, its one of my less than endearing qualities. but its the wierdest thing: im jealous, and fiercely so, of stevens new girlfriend. It pisses me off mostly because she's a freshman. and i dont like steven in that way, but honestly. she's absolutely adorable and smart, apparently. and she does hardcore drugs, which in stevens eyes, probably makes her infinately cooler than me. so in other words, ive been replaced by a freshman. an asian freshman, no less. not that i have anything against asians, duh. but she's just so perfect looking with her almond shaped eyes and thick black hair and perfect skin. i decided that i hate her, and he way she stole my bestest friend. but whatever, i guess. they wont be together forever, and when they break up, ill still be his bestest friend. and she'll be the bitch. its not like theyre getting married or anything. he only talks to her on the bus. thats where they met, which is the dumbest thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. i mean, seriously. yeah, im dating a kid from my bus. he's awkward looking with her. they dont look like they fit. all in all, the situation pisses me off. i dont want to be with him, but i loved his previously undying devotion, that died. i loved the fact that even though i rejected him, we still had that super strong bond that nothing could come between. i didnt even let mil come between us. he was still the most important person in my life. but ohhh, no. one day of bus girl and suddenly, he doesnt even tell me that he loves me, something that we've been saying to eachother for more than a year. and he doesnt sit with me on the bus anymore. what the fuck kind of bus buddy best friend is that?!

tomorrow is going to be great, i think. its the last day of exams, and i only have drawing and newspaper. blowoff test and a christmas party. and its ugly christmas sweater day. my sweater is kickass, check my facebook sometime for pictures. i have amazing christmas presents to give to everyone too, but i wont say what they are in case people are reading this. well, i guess i can say everyones except my lovely hashbrown....i got mil an AE hoodie. steven's getting a chinese fighting fish [hes dating an asian, how ironic]. karri's getting an really cute F21 hat and scarf. stephology, amazing shoelaces. and caylin, i havent decided what to do. i got a somewhat generic F21 necklace, but she's been quite a bitch to me, so i dont really want to give it to her. i know that sounds terrible, but hey. if we arent going to be friends, i dont want to give her a christmas gift. i might give it to erica instead. thats terrible, isnt it? she texted me last night, and was like, im sorry i blew up at you the other day. i dont really think texts can make up for her blatent rudeness, and i find it hard to believe that she values our friendship at all. but ill think about it. im generally pretty forgiving.

i dont know why i have all of these hateful feelings right now. oh wait, yes i do. pms.
love, kaatie

things i never want to be.

there are some things i would never like to be. one of them is fat. seriously, if any of you notice that in my facebook pictures that im starting to look a little porky, let me know immediately! and then stab me with an ice pick in the back of the neck. and then promptly put me on a diet. other things on the list never to be is repulsive in any way, shape or form. and never to smell, with the exception of after hockey games/practices, because if i dont smell like sweat after hockey, it means i didnt sweat, and if i didnt sweat, i didnt work hard enough. i also dont want to acquire a straight up bad reputation. like, i know that my ways make people talk, which is hilarious because of all things im definately not a slut, no matter how many boys i talk to. but i dont want to be labeled as a loser or something. unless that label contains the words arrogant, pretentious, or something else of that nature. because i definately am. i dont know, thats probably why i feel like i have to get this out there: if i was nasty, i dont know how i would be able to go on! seriously, if people smell or are really fat, other people remember and talk about it. or at least, i know i do. and i dont want to be talked about like that. plus, it would be such a waste of my charm and good looks if i was gross, dont you think?

my facebook account is unavalible right now, which is annoying. who knows, thats probably a sign that i need to get up off my ass and get the driveway snowblown, since it snowed like two inches last night. i dont mind so much; i would prefer real winter to the puss winter with slush and lukewarmness anyway. or maybe its a sign that i need to get offline and study for my chemistry final, which looms over my head scarily. todays finals included algebra II, which wasnt so bad i guess, and fashion, which was super easy. you know. i used to think i was a good test taker, but not so much anymore. i hate taking tests, especially ones in math and chemistry. i work so slowly, i never have time to finish, which frustrates me because i feel like if i could get the damn things finished, i could get a halfway decent grade. but no. i hate those classes so much, but i discovered that i have at least one friend in both of them next semester.

thats decent, i guess, except my friend in chemistry happens to be tevyn, and i dont care what my instincts tell me, that is not good. im making a logical case with myself to never talk to that kid again, because honestly, he means trouble. its not that i like him, really. i know that about ninty percent of what he says to me he doesnt mean, and what he does mean, he's only telling me because he wants to get in my pants. im fully aware of these things, but i talk to him anyway. and whats worse: i look forward to talking to him, and sometimes i text him first. believe me, i confuse myself with such actions also. but its like, ive never known someone who has such an addicting effect to me like that. he draws me in and makes me want to keep talking to him. he makes the utterly impossible things he proposes sound like no big deal. AND he makes it seem like he's supremely attractive and like im extremely stupid for not wanting him. i do want him though, at least a little bit. because for everything thats wrong with him [the fact he wants me to cheat on mil, the fact that he's already hooked up with at least two other girls at carroll, and theyre both in show choir and theyre both disgusting, the fact that hes in showchoir himself, the fact that he dresses awkwardly sometimes, his bad hair] we still have things in common and he still has those magical blue eyes...and he's still a total womanizer [excuse me while i sing, that song is stuck in my head.] i guess the bad out weighs the good, but that doesnt make me like him any less. possibly because im an idiot?

oh well. i have to study. more later, or tomorrow.
love, kaatie

triumphant return.

hey, guess who?! hell yeah kids, its katie. in case you forgot, im that easy breezy hippie swinger that loves music, art, and fashion and delights in a good time. things have been so crazy lately, and i was a bit to wrapped up in my own head for a while there, so i decided to take a break and detox, if you will, from spending so much time every day talking about my pathetic life. but things have changed so much in the last month, i kid you not. i believe i am a completely different person. that concert was amazing, by the way. my warped tour shoes are complete, and carolina liar is definately one of my new favorite bands. i guess they have been for a while...a lot of bands have joined those ranks as of lately though. and some unlikely songs hailing from the mainstream have found their way into my heart..er, head. forever by chris brown and womanizer by brittany spears. chris brown cranks out hits that are purely radio every now and then, so it doesnt surprise me that i like forever. but brittany spears....thats different. stab me, but i love her. her videos suck ass, but her music...its not that her lyrics are good. but all of her recent stuff is fabulously catchy. so, there you go. i submit to some popular songs/musicians. but hannah montanna still makes me bleed out the ears.

but more important things have happened to me since i last posted than finding a few new favorite songs. for starters, caylin and i are not really friends anymore. she's a piece of work though, lemme tell you. its not that i dont like her, really, but her attitude is tiresome. all she ever does is cause drama, and she definately acts like she doesnt want to be friends anyway. so i decided that it wasnt worth my time. but, as easily as i seem to lose best friends, i find them easy to replace. fickle bitch says you? easier that way, says i. seriously though. ashley and i reconnected, which is amazing. and karri, aka karrigan marie aka my sister in law serious journalism partner in crime is my bestest friend ever. we have good times in newspaper and we're basically the shit. that unmentionable boy, well, his name is troy temple and he joined the army. he's fun to bother sometimes. and dustin? he actually isnt creepy at all. in fact, DW is one of the smartest, sweetest people i know. totally dateable, though, even though i use the word sweet, if he's reading this. he's an intellegent boy, proof that they really do exist. i consider him the big brother i never had. and ill love him forever, even though his sister is BW and she likes emilio. or so we thing. and let's not forget emilio...i didnt think it would last this long, but things are still absolutely fantastic. its the exact sort of relationship i imagined would result from having your first kiss together under the stars. we fight, but its cute, and there's always a lot of making up afterwards. im not sure love is the word, because im not going to go through all of that again, but i care about him more than i expected to. things are perfect in my perfect life.

or at least they were, until this other boy came crashing into my life. i met him in chemistry class, of all places. the one class where i dont need any distractions. but oh my god, he's a distraction and a half times infinity. his name is tevyn bell and he's probably the most attractive boy ive ever been good friends with. he likes all of the same music as i do, plays seven instruments, plays soccer, is smart, gets good grades, and is from south africa. he has the most amazing blue eyes, the kind that remind you of the sky in july, but are deeper and kinder and a hell of a lot more intoxicating. i know, it sounds like there's something going on, doesnt it? well, i wont deny that i like him. it hard not to. even emilio is friends with him. tevyn is a whole new thing for me...its like meeting myself as a male. he's confident and flattering and even has red hair. but i do my best to not let myself think about him too much. its hard though. and uh....did i mention that he wants to be friends with benefits?

yeah. more on that later. im sure its going to come up about every day. but at least its almost christmas! only one more week of school...finals start on wednesday. and then a half day friday, which hopefully, ill be spending at mil's. but i think i need some sleep now. this was nice. i kind of forgot the release i got from blogging to anyone and everyone that cares to read my innermost thoughts. which arent that inner after theyre on here, are they? perplexing. goodnight.

love, kaatie

two days until the concert.

its either very late or very early, and im so tired, but i figured that since ive been depriving myself of this outlet i would post tonight because im going to be gone tomorrow and sunday. tomorrow, i have two hockey games, then its off to michigan to see we the kings, the academy is..., hey monday, and carolina liar. im so excited, you have no idea. i hope i see ezekiel the merch guy again. that would totally make my day, because hes so tight. and if i could meet travis clark again and have the rest of the band sign my shoes...ohh, life would just be amazing. and william beckett....yumm :]

things with steven were...interesting today. i didnt say anything to him, but i couldnt stop thinking about it. i told mil, and he was supportive and appropriately shocked. i almost cried as i was telling him though, which i think may have freaked him out a little bit. then i felt bad, and a little self centered. i wont let it happen though. ill have him at my house every day. i wont let him out of my sight [steven that is. not mil, although i want him to be with me all the time so badly its crazy]...thats how ill make sure everything is fine. tonight we went to the haunted jail in columbia city, which was the scariest thing ive ever experianed in my life. i did a lot of screaming and i didnt let go of mil if i could help it...it was cute the way he held me. but we were both terrified. im so jumpy anyway. i bet it was hilarious to see the two of us, at least for the actors there. then we chilled at taco bell. which was exciting, no lie. we make good three muskateers.

i must sleep. and dream of 1) my man. and 2) my other man, travis clark. but mostly my own, because i dont think you can top that.
love, kaatie

things that matter and things that dont.

i know some things: kissing my boy makes my head spin and my heart race. steven scott grim is my best friend and i would be absolutely nothing without him. newspaper class is absolutely amazing. my life has its little ups and downs, but is absolutely amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

my first story is silly, and trivial. today, karri mentioned a secret and i mentioned it to mil, and he obviously had one, so i like finally got it out of him. apparently, like last tuesday, he was in earthspace science and this girl came up to him and asked him if he was dating me. and for some random reason he said no. probably because we'd been going out for less than twenty four hours and people had been asking us both for the entire month we'd been talking. my guess is, he answered automatically, like he was used to. which is fine with me, personally. because going out doesnt make you a part of eachother. thats what time does. but anyway, as soon as he said it, he started to freak out. because apparently, he thought that his subconcious was trying to tell him that he didnt want to really be with me, which was not the case, as ive been assured by karri. but he made a huge deal about it and i thought it was funny. ohh, boys and their silly ideas. but honestly, things with us couldnt be better.

but this is serious. nick lytle, my favorite baby daddy and best friend ever, told me something that made me cry and made me scared and is making me not want to sleep for the rest of my life. he said that steven wants to kill himself. and i dont really know what to do. immediately, i thought of similar events and about how ive been in this situation before. i told someone, and ultimately, they were alright. it took a while, and it took tears and hard work, but it paid off. so i want to tell someone. but then...steven is different. hes depressed and does drugs and is into all the wrong things, and doesnt care about much of anything that matters. i dont know what would happen if i told someone what was going on with him. he would obviously get help, but wouldnt he get in trouble also? would his parents even be supportive? would they care? but the smarter side of me wants to go to someone first thing in the morning, and talk to them about it. i know this is serious, every health class ive ever talken has drilled this into my head. but im scared...to lose him as a friend, but i guess if i dont do anything, i might lose him completely. and i dont know if i could ever recover from that. he told nick he was giving it a year.

i guess i know what i have to do, but i dont know how to do it. im crying and im scared, and thinking about it makes it all the more real to me. it makes me wonder if i could have prevented this somehow. actually, it makes me wonder something very specific: if we were together, would any of this be happening? someone help me.

love, kaatie

political soup.

today at school there was a motivational speaker instead of homeroom and activity period. not going to lie, he was probably the most inspiring person ive ever heard speak in my entire life. his story was so touching that i cried, and it really made me want to change for the better. he talked about forgiveness and moving forward in your life, which really hit home because of the way things are with my mom. after his presentation, im willing to let everything go and just work on forming a better relationship with her. i kind of wish that she heard him speak too, though. actually, i think everyone should hear this guy speak once in their life. yeah, hes that good. maybe we should elect him president, if barack obama doesnt work out. speaking of my man obama, im super jazzed that he won the election. but my dad was saying something about his bailout plan affecting my ability to go to Pratt for college because i wont be able to get student loans to pay for it. which would REALLY piss me off. no lie. so now, even though obama won and ive been for him from the beginning, im a little uneasy. i mean, its waay exciting that im consiously living through such a historic election. i dont mean that hes the first african american president, even though thats why people are calling it historic. i dont give a damn if hes black. or white, or mexican, or gay, or rich or poor. those kinds of things couldnt mean less to me. rather, im fascinated by obamas socialist ideals. i find the idea of socialism to be good and beneficial, so to be young while such practices might be implemented in the united states...wow. ive always wondered what it was like to live through things like the USSR or WWII or the French Revolution. did those people know that the things that went on in their world, the politics that their parents debated at the dinner table, the things they chatted about with their friends....the things that were actually going on in the world...if those things would actually be a part of history to come. bush was possibly the worst president in american history. i think, historically, he will be one of those leaders, like for instance, stalin, who came in to change something and left the whole world wondering, what the fuck were you even thinking? and now that our world [our precious PRINCIPLE OF INTERVENTION >:(] is a such a critical point, im ready to witness some history. congratulations, president obama.

four more days until i see my beloved travis again!
love, kaatie

i never cease to thrill.

i discovered, much to my surprise and probably the surprise of many others, something about myself today: i am a commitmentphobe. the feeling hit me all at once. but when i think about it, long term relationships have never really been my thing. when i think about it, after the guy and me actually sit down and talk about being official, things change. for me at least. and thats why it always feels like relationships change the second that they start for me, i think. when we're talking, everythings fine. because im not scared, then. but then WHAM all of a sudden, were together. a couple. we have to do everything that that horrible, nasty word entails. not that i dont like being in a relationship. deffffinately not that. i love the feeling of being loved, and being in a relationship give me some amount of tangible security, i guess. but i dont like all of the things that couples think theyre supposed to do. like, for instance, celebrate 1 month anniversaries, and spend every waking minute together. talk every passing period. you know, all the formalities and such...i dont know. i just think its wierd. does this even make any sense to anyone? i just like things to be the way they are before things are labeled, i guess.

which brings me to the point of my story. today, mil stayed after school with me to keep me company during layout night. and after a while of just staring at my homework, we decided to go mess around somewhere [carroll high school has many amusing locations to do such a thing, you just have to search for them. and always be on your toes. you never know when a janitor is going to pop out of no where!] so we went on that little jaunt and ended up coming back down the stairs by the room where the newspaper staff was chilling, holding hands and just like, talking. and this one girl was like, "WHOA what were you guys just doing?!" and im like, "uhh, nothing abby." because shes wierd and i dont think ive ever talked to her in my life. and then she said "well, you never know. but nine months later..." and i was just like, ok. thats wierd as hell. so we were sitting in the newspaper room by karri. so later i said something about us being in a crowded room, so maybe such pda was not wise, and he was like, why? your my girl. and that really made my day. thats what relationships should be about...not labels or commitment. just solid feelings, trust, and that tingly feeling i get every time he touches me. :]

ELECTION DAY = OBAMA'08
love, kaatie

sweet freedom.

Im ungrounded, a few days early which excites me to an extreme. like you dont even know. so im going to start blogging regularly again, which may or may not be a good thing in the grand scheme of things. if anyone cares, then its your lucky day. and its my lucky day, because i can like, share things now. things have been good for me lately with the exception of today, because today was just a little...wierd. i mean, not really wierd, but not usual...who even knows. im just waaay out of it. probably because im tired and so stressed out that i dont even know if ill be able to handle it. thats why im blogging at this moment, by the way. i need to unwind before i can start my homework.

but things happened today: for one, justo lamas came to our school and preformed a bitchin concert in spanish. me and stephanie decided that it was a warmup for the amazing show were going to on sunday [which is in 6 days!] anyway. if you dont know who justo is, then you're definately missing out. hes basically this spanish pop star type deal that preforms at schools to teach spanish and raise awareness [get ready for this - its crazy] schitzofrenia/suicide. he sings and dances for three whole hours, while people scream and pretend that hes cool because he doesnt speak much english [during the show, he criticizes himself for not taking english in highschool. because he didnt think our language was important. pfffft, what was he thinking?] and take pictures with flash because thats encouraged i guess. his favorite dance moves include swaying he knees back and forth, and pelvic thrusts. and he flipped his greasy, shoulder length blonde hair upside down exactly 146 times during the show. during one song, he walked up and down the two main aisles in the large auditorium and sang, for some unknown purpose. actually, i think the purpose was so that people sitting in the aisle could touch him. AND I DID. yes, he suggestively squeezed my left hand. you know you're jealous. after the show, i got a picture signed and whatnot. i was aproximately 3 feet away from a creepy argentine man that sings for little children and dances suggestively. what a day, what a day.

basically, nothing else has changed. me and mil are still good. we've been going out for a week. on halloween, he came over and we passed out candy. my parents still suck.

now, i must go waste time elsewhere.
love,kaatie