excitement.

so its been a while, im sorry. i havent really been busy, since it was the weekend, but i dont know. i just didnt feel like getting on the computer. and i got in trouble for being online at all hours of the night...because my little sister totally ratted me out. she said it was because she was mad that i didnt ever spend any time with her, which doesnt make much since to me. youd think if she wanted some more sister time, shed like, kiss my ass or something, not try to get me in trouble. like, seriously. what good is that going to do? now i dont think ill be trusting her with much secret info. haha, because im a very mysterious person, and i keep alot of secrets. well, i do from some people. but im kinda the type of person that needs to tell at least one person something before i can chill about it. especially my little internal debates and ponderances. i think actually hearing myself say it to someone helps me sort out whether or not its actually ridiculous or if its like, something legit. usually actually ridiculous. but you know. theres those rare occurances.

so yesterday, i thought i would take the day off of golf, since everyday for the past 7 days id played 18+ holes. but then me and zach decided to play 9 at autumn ridge, and my dad tagged along, to like, meet him. which was cute. they shook hands when they were introduced, which is like, the awkwardest thing in THE entire world to watch. "nice to meet you, mr. phipps." wow. i was trying really hard not to laugh at that moment. other moments last night, i could not control random laughter, and heres why: zach is a terrible golfer. like, suuuper bad. but it was fun, nevertheless. i played somewhat amazingly, better than ive played in like, 2 weeks. probably because i was so relaxed. suprisingly, it wasnt all that awkward to have my dad there. except for the part where he almost kissed me in front of him. now that would have been wierd. like omg im scarred for life wierd. but no. everything was allll good. another perfect time spent with him...oh i dont think i blogged about how pissed i was that he didnt call me when he got home on saturday. my god, that was interesting. i walked around my house for about an hour like wringing my hands. i bet my bloodpressure was through the roof. then i called him to like, yell or be mad or whatever, and the second i heard his voice, it all melted. like, seriously. vanished. it sucked. well, maybe not, because i didnt want a fight. and he said he was sorry. usually, no matter how bad the incident is, a simple im sorry is all i need. on the flip side, though...if you dont apoligize using the actual words, im not likely to forgive you a hundred percent. just a little fun fact, for you.

school starts soon and im effing pumped. like, whoa. cant waiiit for those mixed grade classes :D and meeting new people...thats like, my favorite. and wearing all of my amazing new school clothes, of course. and using my new backpack. andddd haha i wont keep going. only two more days. wow, if i were normal, i wouldnt be this excited. but im not, so i am. ohh and im going to get my hair cut. like, actually short. like, just brushing my shoulders.. im excited. my grandma agrees with me that itll be cute..it was one of many things we discussed while shopping today. seriously, i think that i have one of the coolest gmas ever. she like, understands stuff [mainly boyfriends, and when i say understands,, i mean for real. shes so easy to talk to! i have no idea why my mom is the way she is]. it was great.

well, bed.
love, kaatie

pms is quite a bitch.

again, nothing happened today. and again, im so angry at absolutely nothing that i dont know what to do with myself. i was reading the joy luck club, my project book, but after about 250 pages, that got boring. that suprises me a little bit, because its one of my favorite books. amy tan is amazing. i wonder what shes like..i bet shes a lot like me, because i can identify with almost every single line of every book of hers that ive ever read. even the parts about moms and love, like in the bonesetter's daughter and the joy luck club. i thought that i was the only one who felt like this, but no. a chinese lady whose name is far more common than mine feels the same way. it makes me feel a little better, i guess, to read exactly what im thinking. because lately its been hard to voice exactly what that is? it sucks to feel something and then try to talk about it and not be able to say what youre thinking and then the conversation goes no where and then you just feel worse than you started off. believe me, i know. it happens about every time ive talked to zach lately, which isnt very lately. last night was the first time since he left for buffalo on tuesday. he said that he was going to dugans or pats or mikes tonight and that he would steal a phone and call me, but he wont. he never does, even when hes at home. oh well. ill sit with my phone right next to me turned up as loud as it can go and feel pathetic for yet another night. i still dont know exactly how i feel about him. i suppose i dont ever really have to figure that one out, though. but it sure would help alot. then we could spend our phone conversations talking about important stuff, instead of having those confusing, unsettling conversations that blur together so i cant remember what i actually said or just thought, what he actually said or i just wished he would say. ugh. wow.

i survived the first full week of golf! we got sixth in the northrop invitational, which makes our record 16-9, i think. something like that. were off this weekend, then back to colonial oaks on monday for a threeway with northrop and leo. which well lose, most likely. colonial is a bitch. anyway, more project to do. im almost done!
love, kaatie

wasting the last days of summer.

today wasnt even that bad, actually. so i dont know why i feel so bad. not bad. actually yes, bad. really bad. pissy, which is the worst kind of bad. i have to bite my tongue to keep from bitching at everyone who talks to me. well, once a month for about three days. so i guess this means that im a girl, and painfully on schedule.

not much happened today, so i dont have alot to talk about. the huntington north invitational was today and of course i played in that. i shot a 101 with 34 putts and 8 penalties. 2 pars and 1 birdie. as a team, we finished fourth out of twelve. which is decent, i guess, because the schools that beat us [huntington north, northrop, homestead] have good teams.

then i had a drive time with andrea, which was good, because shes super nice and alot like me. we talked about boys and gossiped and told stories from the past. actually, it might have been the highlight of my day. i love talking to nonjudgemental people who understand me. but maybe thats just me.

i miss zach. im tired. my back hurts. tomorrow is the northrop invitational at colonial oaks, so i think im going to turn in. sorry that this one was short and boring...i guess im just not in the mood.
love, kaatie

second somethings.

i cant say that im having second thoughts, because that phrase is reserved for breakups, or so it has always seemed to me. and i certainly dont want a breakup. quite the opposite, actually. what ive realized over the last several days is that ive let my guard down way too far. waaaay too far. im in too deep. red lights are flashing. retreat now, while you still can, katie, my smart side screams at the more innocent and much too trusting side of me. its weird though. half of me cant believe that i let myself fall this far for zach when he hasnt exactly always been the most reliable person in the world. the other half wonders what the hell happened to awake me from my headoverheelsness. i know the answer to that one: my parents. i guess since the last time they tried to tell me that i didnt know what love even was [umm, seventh grade maybe?] ive matured a little bit. and i have always been a thinker, so of course, five minutes later after the initial anger wore off, i started to mull that one over. was it possible, i reasoned to myself, that i wasnt in love with zach? that i only cared about him, like my mom said? i didnt come to any conclusions until today..actually thats not true. i said something a couple posts ago...'i lean on zach alot more than hes around'...something along those lines. and i do. really. and that is a huge problem. i think - no, im sure that i care about him waay more than he cares about me. it seems like its always tilted like that. we talked about this once, and he said that it wouldnt be slanted in this relationship. but it is, i can tell now. he doesnt call when hes in new york...im not sure whether its just convienient not to or hes too busy or something like that...i might just be jumping to conclusions on this one. but then again, maybe not. i dont want to feel desperate like this all the time...like i need to see him or talk to him. its just...uncomfortable. it scares me.

im not saying that i dont love him. he makes me feel a helluva lot, thats for sure. especially when im around him, but even when im not. this all just makes me realize that i need to stop looking into the future that we might not have together [but might. hopefully.] and start looking at the now. except....now i havent seen him in about two weeks and miss him like crazy. but also in the now: he comes home and gets his license on saturday. its thursday. maybe things are about to get good soon. who knows? ill just hope for the best, i guess.

carroll golf; record: 2-1. lost to norwell 189 to 197. tomorrow: huntington north invitational.

ima get some sleep.
love, kaatie

chaos!

this morning was crazy. honestly, you'd think that since it was all school related, things would have been a little bit organized. then again, i cant even find my way from the small auditorium to the student parking lot now because of all the construction. on top of that, the entire building is absolutely crawling with construction workers. i hope that this is no indication as to how the school year is going to go.

i got up this morning nonchalantly 45 minutes late. somehow, it didnt register to me that i was late, so i never really got the adrenaline rush that i usually get when im late to school [which is almost every morning]. in any case, i was ready in time but didnt get a chance to eat any breakfast, which isnt smart when you have to go play golf. so then i went over to the school and attempted to find the cafeteria through the maze of plywood and temp walls [it didnt help that i went in the wrong door]. anyway, i found it eventually. i got my schedule, and realized about one second later that it was messed up. they didnt give me spanish 3! which is quite an issue if im going to be going on an exchange junior year. so coach kollinger and i went to the guidance office to try and get that fixed, where we were yelled at for not waiting in line. so he yelled at the random secretary for a while, and then we left a note for my advisor, who wasnt there anyway. coach told me to get my stuff to my locker so we could get on the bus and go. so i was walking that way and delagrange, the athletic director, popped out of nowhere and attacked me. like, seriously, i thought she was going to kick my ass, because i didnt have my physical turned in yet. except..i had it in my hand. i was like, chill, woman, its right here. but of course, my mom forgot to fill out the back page. delagrange almost didnt let my play today, but it was eventually figured out. and i did play. good thing too: i shot a 49 for an overall 2nd place. we beat concordia and dwenger, which means that were 2-0. thats the best record carroll has ever had, i think. and we already have a better record than we did last year. so im pretty much pumped about the season.

theres little kids in my room and they want me to take them to the pool. so i might do that, just to keep my mind on happy things. i have that reading project to do too. soo.
love,kaatie

lukewarm.

i guess things turned out better than they could have, but not like i wanted them to go at all. at very least, my dad doesnt hate me. we ended up playing 9 and by the end of the round, everything was back to normal. my parents originally said that i couldnt go to zachs, but then changed their minds, but by that time it was too late. so i didnt get to see him either way. i guess thats what i get. i made the varsity golf team, which is good. but i have to get up at 6 tomorrow to register for school at 730 because we have matches all this week and theres no other time to do it, which is bad. the waking up early part, anyway. not the matches every day part, because i love those. i hatehatehate school pictures though. they always turn out bad, so why bother? because relatives have to frame them and show them to people even though they suck. dont you love old people? i know i do.

i dont like being told what i think and feel, especially by my mother who has never agreed on anything with me in my entire life. she tried to tell me that i didnt know what love was because im 15. and then she said that the feelings i had for zach were inappropriate, which only made me more mad. ugh, i dont know. im pretty sure that this is something. what else would it be but love? im a little confused. but i do know that i miss him. if things go as planned, it will have been about two weeks. that sucks. i just want to be older so parents didnt fuck everything up all the time. im so scared that one of these days hes just going to decide that its not worth it, like most guys do. that hes going to say, yeah, youre cool and everything, but im going to waste my time with someone who doesnt have crazy controlling parents who i can actually see regularly. that hes going to think that im not worth the trouble.

oh god.
love,kaatie

dr pepper leaves fizzies in your nose.

well, thats what this post was going to be called. i was thinking about what exactly i would write about while i was at the driving range with my dad. i was thinking it would be lighthearted but deep. we had a good time...talking about golf and hitting like a thousand balls and putting and talking and planning the season. we had a putting contest and he beat me by 2, as usual. one of us suggested playing 18 after the second day of tryouts tomorrow afternoon. could have been him, could have been me. he said that he could take the afternoon off of work to play golf with me. skiddlydoo. either 27 or 36 holes tomorrow, and some dad time. which i do, by the way, sincerely enjoy.

so i got home, and started to clean my golf clubs. i was talking to zach on the phone, because i didnt have any music to listen to because my mp3 player is still busted. anyway. so we were talking, and he told me that he was leaving for new york a day earlier than his parents originally said. that meant that if we were going to hang out at all before like, next sunday, it would have to be tomorrow. on top of not seeing him im more than a week as it is. so he asked me if i wanted to come over. and i did, obviously. still do, despite everything that happened in the next hour. in any case, i was pumped, and a little nervous [about being around his parents who i havent really met, about seeing him [he gives me butterflies!], about asking my parents and about them saying yes] so i didnt give the golf plans a second thought before i asked my mom. she said yes, if his parents would be there...and to go ask my dad about what time i should get picked up. so i went downstairs, and asked him, but he said no before i even finished talking. and then he was like, but were going golfing tomorrow. i dont really remember what else he said down in the basement but i know it ended with me going back upstairs to ask mom something else. i was just excited that my mom had said yes, at that point.

zach called back, we were talking for like a minute. then i heard that someone was picking up another phone downstairs, which pisses me off so incredibly much since we have jank ghetto phones anyway where conversations can be listened to. so i went down there, to see who the hell was trying to listen to my conversation. then my mom was like, you need to hang up now. so i did. [note: its not a good idea to let your parents hear you say i love you. which about the more ridiculous thing ive ever heard. i can love who i want.] and then my mom went on a mini tyraid about how i already had plans and i was being a jerk to cancel on my dad, and i was like, well i definately forgot. and then my dad played the whole 'you like him more than you like me' thing. which made me a little mad, because of course i love zach, but i love my dad. and he knows it. he also knows that im quite a careless person. i tried to explain to them exactly why i wanted to go over to zachs tomorrow. the response i got from both of them: "so?" it went on for quite a while..

ahhh, shit. i dont want to write about this anymore. i fought with my dad, and that never happens. so now im scared that i wont be able to see zach and that my dad hates me. i guess. i dont really know.
love, kaatie

she knew she'd shake it eventually.

i am absolutely jovial...its a welcome change. and i have absolutely no idea why! i take that back. i know quite a few reasons why: my headache is GONE! i got 11 hours of sleep last night. steven and i are back on the terms that we should be on. ashley and i are all good too. i ate a can of mega noodle soup for breakfast at 11oo this morning. i want to work for diddy premiers tomorrow. ive listened to about a girl aprox. 100 times in the last 24 hours. someone helped me realize that im a confident, smart individual with a good head on my shoulders that can make good decisions. and that my chucks are totally my favorite shoes that ive ever seen/owned in my entire life. i was home alone for quite a while this morning, doing nothing except coloring a replacement sign for ashley and doing laundry. all of that is just somehow...relaxing. its just what ive been needing.

so im going to take all of those and run with them. im going to make this week, and the week after that, great, so im in prime condition to start sophomore year. i want to make it as drama free as possible. like that would ever happen, but you know. its just a guideline, i suppose. i want to make sure i end up with more friends than i start with [which essentially means no more losing friends, because that sucks,] and not fail my hard classes. thats what im most worried about, i think. chem, algebra II, and honors english. speaking of which, i have a project to do before school starts. it shouldnt be too challenging, but it would definately suck to forget to do it. ill probably end up doing that while zach is in new york, since i wont be able to hang out him at all next week.

im rambling, which is a good sign, i guess. im gonna go watch my daddy play baseball.
love, kaatie

pointless.

i went to a family reunion today. it was really boring, except for the part where i met yet another cousin that i had no idea existed. his name is josh, he lives in iowa, he goes to a private highschool...blah. ive had a terrible headache for the entire day. it feels like something is squeezing my temples in. not fun. other than that, ive done absolutely nothing. nothing at all. except be a little mad because apparently i didnt get to gingers party quick enough or something [?]. oh well though. dont bother explaining that one to me, because i dont care. i know im just being pissy and itll blow over after i get some rest and my head stops being annoying.

i really want to talk to someone who will distract me enough to let me sleep for a little while. i know as soon as i get off of the computer im going to cry. i feel choked up a little even now. i want to shake this feeling, but its been like a week now. its starting to get old, and to annoy even me. i bet its even worse for those who have had to read about it in every single post. im sorry about that. but i havent been bothering anyone about it for real. maybe i need to do that...ill find someone to talk me out of it. jeez. i just need to be done pmsing already. and fall into a rhythm again. golf will help me with that, im sure.

i realize that this was a pointless post, lo siento. but really. this sucks. im going to go listen to we the kings, and try to sleep the whole night through for the first time since tuesday.
love, kaatie

warped was amazing!

warped was rather amazing. and although i could go on and on with stories, im super tired and still recovering. so ill give all of you a summary:

i met travis clark! and all time low, dreams of universities, and cobra starship. saw cobra starship, katy perry, we the kings, all time low, anberlin, angels and airwaves, charlotte sometimes, shwayze, the acadamy is..., and dr manhattan. about a girl is officially my new favorite song. travis is still my favorite ginger, maybe my favorite person in the world besides zach. there were a ton of hot guys. and there were tents for causes that i support: obama, peta [ok. maybe not so much anymore, because i puked in a trashcan by the peta tent and they laughed at me. i was like, yeah go help your animals while i have a heat stroke and puke because i cant keep water down because its so hot!], invisible children..and good music. im seriously considering going into merch now, because it would be effing sweet to go and hang out with all of these people all summer. to be on warped for the summer would be heavenly. after that, who cares? i will have just spent a summer with amazing bands and other cool people. zach WILL be getting his lip pierced, because lip piercings are like the sexiest things on the planet. i dont care what anybody says.

speaking of zach, hes going to cedar point without me, damnit! and back to new york :[ i miss him alot. and i love him alot more. i dont know why, but im extra emotional and moodswingy lately. if he was any less understanding, i dont know what i would do. the way he makes me feel but doing nothing but existing, and just the way he listens to me babble...thats whats holding me together right now.

there was something else i wanted to write, but i dont remember anymore. random things: i need a new mp3 player. i hate it when people copy me. kelsey is really funny. golf tryouts went sorta badly, even though i know im not going to get cut. still, im a little nervous for monday. i reallyreally want to see the dark knight. there isnt much to do at my house..HAHAHA.. insider. umm.. strange moods spawn strange thoughts. and ive definately been thinking some wierd shit lately.

warped was among the greatest experiances of my life. i hugged gabe saporta TWICE and travis signed my shoe and then told me that he loved me! yay. anyway, im falling asleep. peace, lovers!
love, kaatie