say swear?!

fuck my life, wow. i guess i just stopped writing on this, but now i need somewhere to write and microsoft word just isnt cutting it. today was absolutely crazy wierd, in the worst way possible. i mean, its not like what happened was a big deal. just kidding, thats a LIE. today i broke up with emilio. yeah, i didnt think it would happen either. so i guess i should give an overview of the last month and a half, so all of this makes sense. just kidding, it wont make sense because it doesnt even really make sense to me; the whole situation is blurred together and i dont really know what to make of it. OH and: im approaching this blog with a whole new attitude. im done looking for comments, trying to get people to read this, feeling like a reject when no one does. because honestly, im done with all of that narcissitic bullshit. ive come to terms with the fact that no one cares. but read all you want, by all means. okay. enough second person.

so for the most part, after christmas, me and emilio were fine. as in, there was no fighting or insecurity. about a month ago, i turned sixteen. newspaper, school, the new semester, everything was going smoothly. i still suck at chemistry, unfortunately. blah blah blah, i work out four times a week and my body is amazing, life was basically uneventful...AND THEN WHAM! a few weeks ago, at least i think...it may have been two or three, i started talking to kyle rich. oh yes, the very same kyle rich mentioned a few posts ago as a douche bag. well, not so much. as it turns out, hes probably the most amazing kid ive ever met. he may hang out with dumb popular kids, but he certainly isnt dumb. he wants to go to journalism school, he likes great music [i know this because im currently listening to his ipod :D], plays baseball, is into politics and movies and music, ugh, i could go on and on. he and i hit it off, i guess you could say. i guess its easy to gather that i have a crush on him. did i mention that the feeling's extremely mutual? no? well, yes.uh, hello fifth period scandal, hello pissy bob ahlersmeyer that a certain pair of staffers suddenly cant stop talking to eachother, hello allnight text conversations, hello AWKWARNESS with emilio because sadly, kyle suceeds in almost every way that mil fails. so basically, what it came down to was me getting sick of being fake and needing to put an end to it, because my feelings for kyle just seem to intensify as time goes on. anyone else smell a new relationship? yes, i think so too.

so i guess i should feel bad about breaking up with emilio since its like three days after valentines day, but if i said that i felt bad and was all torn up about it, i would be lying. and i dont like to lie, ive had enough lies in the last week to last me a lifetime. so, quite simply, i was done and overwith after vday. too much faking it. he took it rather badly, too. but the funny thing is, i acted like i was going to think it over tonight, but he just sent me a bitch text after school to say its over. a text, really? but i guess im down since he did the dirty work. blech, too much shit is going on right now to really get a good nights sleep, but i feel obligated to try. i may just end up jamming to kyles ipod all night long. god, i love how he handed it to me after school. it was absolutely adorable. because ive never listened to nirvana, he said he was going to burn me a cd. but his jank computer refused to burn it, so he made a playlist. so he gave me the whole thing, with his adorable smile and a little comment, something like, i know youll take good care of her, take this tonight and listen. sweet gesture.

WHY AM I SO EASY TO MELT?
love, kaaite

half assed, but its the new year.

i can hear my family downstairs playing mario kart on the wii. its kind of annoying...especially since my head is pounding since im super exhausted. last night was probably one of the most exciting ive had in a long time. hanging out with emilio and karri, their family, it was a fabulous time just because of the merriment and such. i dont know, there isnt really much to tell, except im feeling more and more comfortable around mil with just about every passing day. which is good, yes, but its simply wierd. after we left his aunt's house, we went back to his house and retreated to his room, since we didnt exactly get any alone time the previous night [no, i didnt get the chance to fall asleep in his arms. but theres quite an amusing story behind that, hit me up if you really want it]. we were both still absolutely exhausted, so we flipped off the lights, grabbed the super soft blanket he keeps in there, and both fell asleep. it was nice, until his stepdad started banging on the door and woke me up. his complaints were that the lights were off and we were under a blanket, but honestly. we were sleeping. and who gets mad at people for that? there were worse things we could have been doing, i'd say. but oh well. i dont have much more to say, because im still so tired i can hardly think straight. but happy '09 :D

love, kaatie

todays and tomorrows.

so, the yellow team, consisting of jason appel, karri and i definately dominated in flyness at the newspaper lazer tag extravaganza. we had some amazing black bandanas, which lead kyle rich, this kid that would be amazingly cute if he wasnt a complete douche bag and didnt hang out with the dumb popular kids, to name us the bandana sisters. which well probably be calling eachother til the end of eternity now. the newspaper staff was just as cohesive out of school as it is during fifth period, though it does get a little bit clicquey at times. which is okay, i guess, since we cant all be friends. but most of us are, and i think thats so cool. i mean, i know that ive talked about it before, but honestly. like DW and karri and now, jason appel, are some of my best friends. and what other club spawns bestfriendships? certainly not chess club, id wager. but anyway, i looked badass in my mafia bandada, check the facebook for pictures. oh and APPARENTLY one of sarah's friends met zach, and im a dyke now, according to him. i dont know how that happened, since we went out and everything. i laughed at the story, but i'd really like to punch him in the face. too bad i probably won't have a chance to do that any time soon.

my parents decided to let me go with mil and karri to kalamazoo! suprising right?! ohh my goodness, im so freaking excited i dont even know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. thats more than twenty four hours with mil...its exactly what i feel like we need. i didnt really get a chance to hang out with him today, but i did see him a couple times getting karri and taking her home. it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him finally, after that long week of being apart. im a little nervous though, since its going to be an overnight thing. because i dont want him to see me all disgusting...definately not because i think anything sexual in nature is going to happen, because i know for certain that it wont. because i dont want to, and neither does mil. we both know that we arent ready, which is a good feeling since i know i dont have to worry about the 'negative side effects' generally associated with sex. we have something good going on right now, we dont need to fuck that up with that extra complication to the relationship. i know im not mature enough to deal with that...im just glad that im smart enough to figure that out on my own. some girls arent as lucky i guess, and they end up crossing the line and regretting it. well, i dont regret things. thats why i think long and hard about this stuff i guess...but anyway. karri says there's nothing to do at these people's house, so i guess we'll just be sitting around. which is good, i guess. watch the ball drop, consume liquids sparkling in nature, then sleep. ohhh, it would be nice to fall asleep with him, to wake up in his arms....and its possible. life is good.

i realize that this could possibly be my last post of the year two thousand and eight, which makes me feel slightly excited, but also, kind of sad. so much has happened this year, for better and for worse, but overall, id say that i improved over the course of it. im much more concious, thoughtful, and forward thinking than i was at the beginning of the year. i think before i act now, to an extent, and i made leaps and bounds in discovering who i am. i think that the most important thing i accomplished, however, was learn how to keep myself happy. last year, i let myself get sucked back into the same thing over and over again, and it wore on me. but now i know that i can get past it, and sometimes its better to just let go. ive hardened myself, made myself stronger. i can deal with people that talk shit better than i could before. maybe thats bad though, since people are talking shit. ohh well, i guess they're just jealous? who knows. i've made and lost and strengthened friendships, like i will continue to do throughout my life. when i think about it, i dont really know why people hype new years up so much, besides the fact that its a drinking holiday, and everyone loves those. i mean, today is a day and so is tomorrow...why are they different from all of the rest of the todays and tomorrows? life is not filed in chapters, that bind themselves together into a volume to be stored on a shelf until it is thick with dust and then read not often enough. if it were, with the way i live, i would burn those books. in life, i want to move forward, not waste ny time looking back.

so thats my single new years resolution: to keep going. in two thousand and nine, common era, i, katherine suzanne phipps vow to keep living my life with the intensity and the momentum that i know i deserve to enjoy.

love, kaatie

at a loss.

i am officially in over my head. which to be perfectly honest, suprises me, due to the sheer number of relationships ive been in. i thought that i could handle it all...haha NOT. actually, ive never ever actually craved intimacy with someone else. ive been a loner for most of my life, my social circle containing exclusively erica and the current boyfriend almost all the way through elementry and middle school. and then erica and i had that falling out last year. since then, it feels like i havent been able to find anyone that i just click with like that. its always been easy for me to bounce around though, i think you may have deduced that from reading this blog over the course of its existance. i just live fast, i guess. anyway. but now, i really really feel like i want to be closer to mil. like i said yesterday, its like i know him, sure, but i dont really know who he is. and it really is bothering me, but not as much as the fact that i cannot for the life of my figure out how im going to solve this problem. truth is, i actually dont know how to get to know him better. but i do know that it wont get any better if we continue things as they are now. we hang out out side of school, sure. but when we do...well, not a lot of talking gets accomplished. so we're going to work on that. the wierd thing is though, he feels the EXACT same way. he said something along the lines of, i feel like i dont know you at all when we were talking on the phone tonight. i thought he'd either found this or talked to karri, but he said that he's been thinking about it for like a week now. so maybe this is a normal feeling? DW said just give it time. anyone else ever feel like this? id sure like some advice right now.

but besides that crazy emotional bullshit, today was good. it was sunny again, which meant that i got to look superfly. ohh, i truely believe that i have an unhealthy obsession with those sunglasses. i noticed that last night i said "i look so hotttt in them!" and that disgusts me. it sounds like washed out, prep sheep speak. which is nasty. smack me if i ever do it again. tomorrow is the newspaper lazer tag adventure, which is thrilling. me and jason appel and karrigan and going to destroy the rest of the staff, since we are superior human beings. and we'll look amazing in the process, with our amazing bandanas that we're going to purchace before such events take place. and then the next day is new years! ohh my goodness, i got some exciting news. well, not really news. but mil and karri are going to kalamazoo, michigan to idk, paula's sisters for new years, and i got invited to go with them! the parents still have to discuss it, since its an overnight deal and everything, but even so, im way totally excited beyond belief. this takes stoked to a new level. since karrigan and mil are two of my favorite people in the whole world. its so convienient for them to be in the same family. which was wierd to think about in the beginning, but now its chill. i dont even think about in anymore. oh i just remembered i was going to talk about derek and his influence on mil. but i dont really want to anymore. since i dont know him and all, i dont need to be assessing such things. or at least, i dont want to be just yet. 666 is being ridiculous right about now, on a more random note. he's a nosy little fucker. i dont know why i even bother talking to him this late at night. its like im asking for it.

but then again, when am i not asking for it?
love, kaatie

i crave the sick sweetness.

well today was interesting. yesterday i guess, but im pulling a half assed all nighter with karrigan. ohh yes, shes sitting next to me, and were discussing people with waterbeds. apparently their warm comfort went out of style years ago. if you have one, prepare to get teased. im in the weirdest mood, not going to lie. and for once, it doesnt have anything to do with lucifer or steven. it actually has a lot to do with DW, and his advice hotline, as its been deemed by karrigan. and its a twenty four hour hotline....thrilling, no? anyway. i texted him in need of council after i started thinking about how i really dont know anything about emilio. i just noticed that today. i dont really feel close to him. its like, we talk, right? but its always about stupid stuff. the weather, school, tv. not even music, really. i want to have what i felt like [imagined?] that i had with zach. yes, i hate to bring him back up after so long, and after ive found countless ways to tell myself that he wasnt worth it, that what we were wasnt good for me, that it just wasnt a good situation to begin with. but still, there was all of those feelings that i had, legit or not, that i like. the ones that made me feel safe. warm fuzzy feelings, and i dont get that with mil. i still feel like im at a distance and i hate it. its like crossroads right now: i can either decide if i want to keep moving forwards or if i want to start to pull myself away. but lingering here, basically strangers on the most important emotional level...itd kill me. fuck tevyn. i honestly just want to throw myself at mil right now, unguarded, and let him catch me if he means what he says. for once, i want that sickly sweet, adorable, giggles and sunshine relationship. if only for a day.

my dad woke me up at aproximately 6:49 this morning to apoligize for what he said the night before. i was a little groggy and pissed [since my alarm was set for 11], but he was apoligizing all over himself for the night before. for berating me and not being tolerant of my mistakes, he said later. he says he feels terrible, and that he's never going to drink again because of the bad example it set for me and jackie. which i find interesting, but its strange. so he was drunk, and he said some shit. its all fun and good i guess, but theres no point in feeling all guilty when you were under the influence. like i said, if you say it while your drunk, it can most of the time be written off as the drink speaking. it was good that he said something to me though, and even more interesting that he woke me up to do it. i guess he is solid after all. which is comforting. i had a hockey game this morning, against "parents and alumni". i think it was a waste of ice time, personally. it would have been ten times more productive if we'd just had practice. but no, we played. and on the way home, the sun was out, which meant that i could wear my amazing red ray ban wayfarers without looking like an idiot. theyre so amazing, i swear to god. i look so hotttt in them! i feel like there was something else too...it had something to do with mil. oh yeah, him and his older brother. ill talk about that tomorrow i guess, if i feel like it. im getting tired now, so i think im off to bed or something. another giggle fest with karri, more likely.

love, kaatie

the drunken bible crusade.

YESTERDAY
you'd think that a parent run holiday party would be dull, uneventful. certainly not the source of mischif. and most definately not the source of mischif. and most definately not a reason to cry yourself to sleep. hell, wouldnt it seem like all of tha could potentiall come from leaving two troubled and confused home alone for like five hours [like steven and myself] would be the more likely cause? i think its ridiculously ironic that though we had many chances, absolutely nothing happened. We had a grand time, actuall. We cleaned up the kitchen, played mario kart for wii, and watched Batman [it was really creepy]. in fact, everything was completely fine until my parents got home. mother made a beeline for the bedroom, claiming headache [lightweight?!] but dad wasnt so lucky, since he still had to take steven home. i could smell the alcohol on him, but my first clue that he was utterly inebriated was that he said fuck. ive only heard him swear like once in my life...i just figured he didnt. or didnt around me and jackie, at least. he dropped steven off, and then asked me if anything bad happened. and since i didnt do anything wrong, i was feeling pretty confident about saying that everything was splendid. It was empowering, actually. But ironically, (again?!) It lasted about 30 seconds . He started to lecture ma about something that happened on Friday. We were playing Mario Kart and i got zapped or something and went from first to like last place only feet before the finish line. And being the sailor that i am, i said something resembling the GD word..."gahdahngit" or similar. I know i didnt straight up say it, because i barely cught myself. Of course, Jackie made a big deal about it. My mom just gave me a look and said, "watch your mouth." I figured it was done, buried. Apparently not. Dad's "talk" lasted for twenty minutes.

From his lecture, I have learned three valuable life lessons. More than that, probably. When its all said and done. First though, let me tells you what i know about alcohol. There are people that should drink, because they're charming and silly when they do so. And then theres the kind of the drunks that should be banned from drinking because they become faggy assholes when they're intoxicated. my dad is undoubtedly in the second catagory. my theory: the first group of people started drinking started drinking before they were twenty one, and therefore associate it with excitement. The second group denied themselves, and there you have it, bitter fools. Anyway, i really think that if i am a mean drunk, i wouldn't do it. My dad is, mil's dad is...jeez. i mean, he actually made me cry! With his nonsensical bullshit! Life lesson one: the sweet drink of the Gods makes people speak in tounges, and what is said under its influence, must be disregarded to a point. I picked up on that one when daddy started to contradict himself and babble about things that made no sense. Second: things that are brought before you in absurd ways, communicate the message the strongest. i think i learned something about myself during the talk...when i have to unscramble the words...what he is saying basically reads clearer, because he is saying exactly what his cloudy brain is saying. It wasn't pleasent, i dont plan on talking to him tomorrow, not after some of the things he said. I'm not as strong as id like to pretend, and he hit below the belt Plus, i respect(ed) him, so i'm inclined to take what he says to heart. And third: drinking is not as cool as i thought. Plain as that. DW is right, it's kinda dumb. If i render myself to such a state that i make myself into an unintelligible blubbery mess, whats the fun? It definitely knocked my trust for daddy down a notch, which makes me tear up as i am writing this. I thought he was solid, but i guess not. since he decided to go on a drunken bible crusade.

so im pretty upset, i want to call mil or somebody, but my phone is downstairs and so is my father.
love, kaatie
[partially scrolled by guest dj karrigan]

in the moment, not ahead of it.

its the afternoon, i think. well almost. noonish. but im super tired. mother dearest made me get up at ten to help her clean up for her party tonight. i dont mind, really, except for the fact that i didnt get to sleep until aproximately five in the morning. it was dumb, admittedly, but i needed something to occupy my mind. i was texting tevyn, aka lucifer, aka 666 since thats easier to spell than lucifer, according to karri. And i think that ive got this whole situation under control now. believe it or not, we most talked it out. and i discovered that in essence, we think the same way, down to fears and whatnot. he acts cocky and confident. so do i. apparently, unless he's bullshitting me, hes afraid of putting himself into a relationship just to be tossed to the side when is all said and done. and lord knows how i feel about putting myself in that vulnerable place. god, its like he reads my mind. and then of course, i say something thats just a little too far, and way out of my comfort zone, and its terrifying because i know that i have the potential to turn something that could be good into something very bad REALLY quick. he said that im perfect for him, but it would end badly. which i understand better than he probably knows. its like zach all over, but in a more intellegent, and well, more real form. at least im learning to master my emotions through all of this. he also, apparently, doesnt want me to make things bad for mil. he said he knows what that feels like [so do i!]. it makes me think of what ethan told mil when he said that he didnt want any games with me. ethan had it right: thats all i ever do.

is it totally wierd that i know that i do all of this stuff? i feel like im evaluating someone else, instead of actually living this. its strange and all, but i dont want it to stop. which probably isnt fair and definately isnt how things are supposed to work, i know that. i logically cannot have mil and tevyn at the same time. it would probably fuck up the world order, like when brutus kills caesar and the world falls to pieces. no, im going to have to concentrate on living in the moment.. im starting to realize that i have something good. but anyways. tonight is that party, and then my parents and their friends will be taking the fun bus to other locations for the night. and steven's going to come over to watch monty python with me, and other fun nefarious activities. i guess you could say that we made up. i didnt chew him out like i wanted to. actually, i gave him the silent treatment, and true to form, 24 hours of unanswered texts later, he was begging for forgiveness. which i dont mind so much. at least i got that much from him. so im going to shower now, and do other fun things. life is good.

love, kaatie

sell out boy.

DECEMBER 24, 2008. 12:02 AM
now that ive vented and switched pens, id like to wish everyone a merry christmas. honestly, i just want to forget everything for the next few days and relax for once. life is made of highs and low, i know that better than most, this is like a high and a low at the same time, it its mostly just like the low feeling ive come to accept as a normal happening. its turbulent, i guess. but like everything else, this too shall pass. thank god for that. i dont really remember what i asked for for christmas, but whatever i get, its chill. the only thing i really covet right now is a new phone with a QWERTY keyboard. i know im getting a set of golf clubs and rockband, which is exciting, no lie. OH and nana is getting me a pair of wayfarers. which is thrilling.

And fall out boy, despite the fact that island has made them all radio whores, still has kickass lyrics. provacative, witty, amazing. Folie a Deux is decent ONLY because wentz is an exceptional lyricist. thats all i have to say about that, i guess. its too bad that they had to let me down, because i truely worshiped that band. but now, they're known to me as sell out boy, the faggy losers. wow.

love, kaatie

dont call me a whore.

DECEMBER 23, 2008. 11:51 PM
its really frustrating that i have to take my computer downstairs at night, because its damned hard to blog when i dont have such a device to blog on. And during the day, i never feel like i have anything to write about. After i say goodnight to my parents and turn off the lights is when im assulted by emotion on most nights. but then again, writing it all down manually works fine too. i guess as long as my devoted fans [eye roll] get told about my troubles, its all good. since i know soo many people read this [*insert sigh] oh well. i still get a nice release from this, a writer's high, if you will.

there are a couple of tings that seem to be clouding my thoughts that should be merry, since in 3 mintues it will be christmas eve. it doesnt feel like christmas though. what it feels like is a nightmare. the major characters in said nightmare are myself, tevyn, and steven. all people that usually cause me trouble, i know. but with so many things going on so quickly, and at the same time, everything feels a little dreamlike and surreal. its not good, because i think that might be because im feeling a little guilty. but ill get to that in a minute.

okay so, i want to talk about steven first, because thats what fresh on my mind, it seems as though he's my only solid friend, and thas kinda stange, but whatever. but last night, he called me to tel me that he was "the only imperfect thing in my imperfect life." at first, i was upset, sad, and whathaveyou. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is the BIGGEST attention whore ive ever met in my entire life. i know because whenever he bitches about how much his life sucks, i bend over backwards to try and fix it. and do i ever get repaid with anything? i think not! i dont even get loyalty. as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he decides that he doesnt need me. dumb fucker. ill have none of that, i fully intend on telling him all this next time i see him, and i honestly dont care if he things im a bitch. it really has to be done, or else hell never realize that he needs to quit complaining and GROW UP.

now tevyn: ohhh goodness. yesterdat we were texting and he [not me] suggested that we watch a movie. except, he meant at his house, just the two of us. and his film suggestions were even sort of erotic: sweeny todd and moulin rouge. so i decided that it would be better if we went to carmike and actually saw a movie in theatres. so i recruited parker and erica to go see yes man with us [it was dumb, not that funny] so we went. it was eerily like a double date, except it was a mearly for fun, friendly outing. to me, at least, since me and tevyn are not dating. we talked alot, before, during, and after the movie. about almost everything, including beliefs and religion, which i hardly talk about with anyone. not even mil, as of yet. there was no physical contact, though he tried to kiss me a few times during the movie. i kind of wanted to at the time, but im SO glad that i didnt. the chemistry we have [or it seems like we have, anyway] is addicting and exciting, but i know where to draw the line. and kissing is definately across that line. going anywhere at all might be added to across the line very soon. i did decide that i want to give him a shot eventally though. i think itll be good. the hired help at arbys thought we were a couple, which was ironic in a bad way but funny at the same time. ah, well. at least it seems like ive gotten my fix for a while. i wasnt as impulsed to text him today. ugh. i really am terrible.

so as you can see, i happen to be a very fucked up individual. if you must comment, dont tell me that im a dumb whore. i already know that.
love, kaatie

weaknesses and redundancy.

ho, hum. ABC family is a christmas guilty pleasure of mine, but today they decided to let me down and play the incredibles and cars. and then, the incredibles and cars again. i mean honestly, i love animated movies almost as much as i love art and music, but my god. the same bland plotlines twice in a row!? and cars goes on and on and on. ive never actually been able to watch the whole thing without getting distracted and walking away. but oh well. i would definately rather be watching a classic stop motion christmas movies, but whatever. im in the wierdest mood right now, and id like to dedicate this post to blaming tevyn james bell for my strife. oh and, emilio is going to be in florida for the next week or so with his dad for christmas. and when i heard this, i immediately asked myself, why do i date people that are not from around here? i know the answer: because i hate it here, and like to pretend that this is not my home town. but honestly, all i could think about was zach and his stupid trips home to new york. but i dont talk about him anymore. jeeez.

so anyway. back to tevyn, or as me and karri affectionately nicknamed him, lucifer. because he is like the devil but i just cant get enough of him, or so it seems. when i first met him, i was overwhelmed by the reasons i thought that i should be with him. you know, like we have so much in common, we would be good for eachother, so on, and so forth. but then i got control over myself, and i was like, no katie, he's just playing games, he's clearly just messing with you. and i thought that it would be better from then on. but it didnt get better. like last night, we were chatting it up on facebook. i started with my usual resolve, countering his, you know you want me with a little what the hell does someone like you want with someone like me? But then, suddenly, he was confessing [fakely?!] that he's a closet romantic and that he only gets emotionally involved when he wants to. but we're so similar, i get to thinking. if we went out, wouldnt it work like, amazingly? wouldnt we know exactly what the other one wanted and needed and hated? because we're practically the same person. we understand what we mean, even on stuff that the whole rest of the world thinks is a little off base. compatibility is not something that ive ever gotten to experiance in a relationship before. like, me and emilio dont have anything in common. but nonetheless, our relationship is fabulous. tevyn is a fabulous talker, and i admit that i have a weakness for those. just like i have a weakness for smart people and redheads. and guess what? he's both of those.

me and jason appel plotted about warped tour oh nine today, and its going to be the shit. 30h!3, breathe carolina, bayside, brokencyde, cash cash, escape the fate, every avendue, hit the lights, i set my friends on fire, scary kids scaring kids, millionaires, sing it loud, the ataris, the devil wears prada, the maine, the white tie affair, there for tomorrow, and valencia. oh, and i met a really cool kid named alex taylor. he's fly.

love, kaatie