Some Harmonious Nonsense

say swear?!

2009-02-18T00:15:00.002-04:00

fuck my life, wow. i guess i just stopped writing on this, but now i need somewhere to write and microsoft word just isnt cutting it. today was absolutely crazy wierd, in the worst way possible. i mean, its not like what happened was a big deal. just kidding, thats a LIE. today i broke up with emilio. yeah, i didnt think it would happen either. so i guess i should give an overview of the last month and a half, so all of this makes sense. just kidding, it wont make sense because it doesnt even really make sense to me; the whole situation is blurred together and i dont really know what to make of it. OH and: im approaching this blog with a whole new attitude. im done looking for comments, trying to get people to read this, feeling like a reject when no one does. because honestly, im done with all of that narcissitic bullshit. ive come to terms with the fact that no one cares. but read all you want, by all means. okay. enough second person.

so for the most part, after christmas, me and emilio were fine. as in, there was no fighting or insecurity. about a month ago, i turned sixteen. newspaper, school, the new semester, everything was going smoothly. i still suck at chemistry, unfortunately. blah blah blah, i work out four times a week and my body is amazing, life was basically uneventful...AND THEN WHAM! a few weeks ago, at least i think...it may have been two or three, i started talking to kyle rich. oh yes, the very same kyle rich mentioned a few posts ago as a douche bag. well, not so much. as it turns out, hes probably the most amazing kid ive ever met. he may hang out with dumb popular kids, but he certainly isnt dumb. he wants to go to journalism school, he likes great music [i know this because im currently listening to his ipod :D], plays baseball, is into politics and movies and music, ugh, i could go on and on. he and i hit it off, i guess you could say. i guess its easy to gather that i have a crush on him. did i mention that the feeling's extremely mutual? no? well, yes.uh, hello fifth period scandal, hello pissy bob ahlersmeyer that a certain pair of staffers suddenly cant stop talking to eachother, hello allnight text conversations, hello AWKWARNESS with emilio because sadly, kyle suceeds in almost every way that mil fails. so basically, what it came down to was me getting sick of being fake and needing to put an end to it, because my feelings for kyle just seem to intensify as time goes on. anyone else smell a new relationship? yes, i think so too.

so i guess i should feel bad about breaking up with emilio since its like three days after valentines day, but if i said that i felt bad and was all torn up about it, i would be lying. and i dont like to lie, ive had enough lies in the last week to last me a lifetime. so, quite simply, i was done and overwith after vday. too much faking it. he took it rather badly, too. but the funny thing is, i acted like i was going to think it over tonight, but he just sent me a bitch text after school to say its over. a text, really? but i guess im down since he did the dirty work. blech, too much shit is going on right now to really get a good nights sleep, but i feel obligated to try. i may just end up jamming to kyles ipod all night long. god, i love how he handed it to me after school. it was absolutely adorable. because ive never listened to nirvana, he said he was going to burn me a cd. but his jank computer refused to burn it, so he made a playlist. so he gave me the whole thing, with his adorable smile and a little comment, something like, i know youll take good care of her, take this tonight and listen. sweet gesture.

WHY AM I SO EASY TO MELT?
love, kaaite

half assed, but its the new year.

2009-01-01T22:35:00.003-04:00

i can hear my family downstairs playing mario kart on the wii. its kind of annoying...especially since my head is pounding since im super exhausted. last night was probably one of the most exciting ive had in a long time. hanging out with emilio and karri, their family, it was a fabulous time just because of the merriment and such. i dont know, there isnt really much to tell, except im feeling more and more comfortable around mil with just about every passing day. which is good, yes, but its simply wierd. after we left his aunt's house, we went back to his house and retreated to his room, since we didnt exactly get any alone time the previous night [no, i didnt get the chance to fall asleep in his arms. but theres quite an amusing story behind that, hit me up if you really want it]. we were both still absolutely exhausted, so we flipped off the lights, grabbed the super soft blanket he keeps in there, and both fell asleep. it was nice, until his stepdad started banging on the door and woke me up. his complaints were that the lights were off and we were under a blanket, but honestly. we were sleeping. and who gets mad at people for that? there were worse things we could have been doing, i'd say. but oh well. i dont have much more to say, because im still so tired i can hardly think straight. but happy '09 :D

love, kaatie

todays and tomorrows.

2008-12-31T00:43:00.004-04:00

so, the yellow team, consisting of jason appel, karri and i definately dominated in flyness at the newspaper lazer tag extravaganza. we had some amazing black bandanas, which lead kyle rich, this kid that would be amazingly cute if he wasnt a complete douche bag and didnt hang out with the dumb popular kids, to name us the bandana sisters. which well probably be calling eachother til the end of eternity now. the newspaper staff was just as cohesive out of school as it is during fifth period, though it does get a little bit clicquey at times. which is okay, i guess, since we cant all be friends. but most of us are, and i think thats so cool. i mean, i know that ive talked about it before, but honestly. like DW and karri and now, jason appel, are some of my best friends. and what other club spawns bestfriendships? certainly not chess club, id wager. but anyway, i looked badass in my mafia bandada, check the facebook for pictures. oh and APPARENTLY one of sarah's friends met zach, and im a dyke now, according to him. i dont know how that happened, since we went out and everything. i laughed at the story, but i'd really like to punch him in the face. too bad i probably won't have a chance to do that any time soon.

my parents decided to let me go with mil and karri to kalamazoo! suprising right?! ohh my goodness, im so freaking excited i dont even know if i'll be able to sleep tonight. thats more than twenty four hours with mil...its exactly what i feel like we need. i didnt really get a chance to hang out with him today, but i did see him a couple times getting karri and taking her home. it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him finally, after that long week of being apart. im a little nervous though, since its going to be an overnight thing. because i dont want him to see me all disgusting...definately not because i think anything sexual in nature is going to happen, because i know for certain that it wont. because i dont want to, and neither does mil. we both know that we arent ready, which is a good feeling since i know i dont have to worry about the 'negative side effects' generally associated with sex. we have something good going on right now, we dont need to fuck that up with that extra complication to the relationship. i know im not mature enough to deal with that...im just glad that im smart enough to figure that out on my own. some girls arent as lucky i guess, and they end up crossing the line and regretting it. well, i dont regret things. thats why i think long and hard about this stuff i guess...but anyway. karri says there's nothing to do at these people's house, so i guess we'll just be sitting around. which is good, i guess. watch the ball drop, consume liquids sparkling in nature, then sleep. ohhh, it would be nice to fall asleep with him, to wake up in his arms....and its possible. life is good.

i realize that this could possibly be my last post of the year two thousand and eight, which makes me feel slightly excited, but also, kind of sad. so much has happened this year, for better and for worse, but overall, id say that i improved over the course of it. im much more concious, thoughtful, and forward thinking than i was at the beginning of the year. i think before i act now, to an extent, and i made leaps and bounds in discovering who i am. i think that the most important thing i accomplished, however, was learn how to keep myself happy. last year, i let myself get sucked back into the same thing over and over again, and it wore on me. but now i know that i can get past it, and sometimes its better to just let go. ive hardened myself, made myself stronger. i can deal with people that talk shit better than i could before. maybe thats bad though, since people are talking shit. ohh well, i guess they're just jealous? who knows. i've made and lost and strengthened friendships, like i will continue to do throughout my life. when i think about it, i dont really know why people hype new years up so much, besides the fact that its a drinking holiday, and everyone loves those. i mean, today is a day and so is tomorrow...why are they different from all of the rest of the todays and tomorrows? life is not filed in chapters, that bind themselves together into a volume to be stored on a shelf until it is thick with dust and then read not often enough. if it were, with the way i live, i would burn those books. in life, i want to move forward, not waste ny time looking back.

so thats my single new years resolution: to keep going. in two thousand and nine, common era, i, katherine suzanne phipps vow to keep living my life with the intensity and the momentum that i know i deserve to enjoy.

love, kaatie

at a loss.

2008-12-30T00:50:00.003-04:00

i am officially in over my head. which to be perfectly honest, suprises me, due to the sheer number of relationships ive been in. i thought that i could handle it all...haha NOT. actually, ive never ever actually craved intimacy with someone else. ive been a loner for most of my life, my social circle containing exclusively erica and the current boyfriend almost all the way through elementry and middle school. and then erica and i had that falling out last year. since then, it feels like i havent been able to find anyone that i just click with like that. its always been easy for me to bounce around though, i think you may have deduced that from reading this blog over the course of its existance. i just live fast, i guess. anyway. but now, i really really feel like i want to be closer to mil. like i said yesterday, its like i know him, sure, but i dont really know who he is. and it really is bothering me, but not as much as the fact that i cannot for the life of my figure out how im going to solve this problem. truth is, i actually dont know how to get to know him better. but i do know that it wont get any better if we continue things as they are now. we hang out out side of school, sure. but when we do...well, not a lot of talking gets accomplished. so we're going to work on that. the wierd thing is though, he feels the EXACT same way. he said something along the lines of, i feel like i dont know you at all when we were talking on the phone tonight. i thought he'd either found this or talked to karri, but he said that he's been thinking about it for like a week now. so maybe this is a normal feeling? DW said just give it time. anyone else ever feel like this? id sure like some advice right now.

but besides that crazy emotional bullshit, today was good. it was sunny again, which meant that i got to look superfly. ohh, i truely believe that i have an unhealthy obsession with those sunglasses. i noticed that last night i said "i look so hotttt in them!" and that disgusts me. it sounds like washed out, prep sheep speak. which is nasty. smack me if i ever do it again. tomorrow is the newspaper lazer tag adventure, which is thrilling. me and jason appel and karrigan and going to destroy the rest of the staff, since we are superior human beings. and we'll look amazing in the process, with our amazing bandanas that we're going to purchace before such events take place. and then the next day is new years! ohh my goodness, i got some exciting news. well, not really news. but mil and karri are going to kalamazoo, michigan to idk, paula's sisters for new years, and i got invited to go with them! the parents still have to discuss it, since its an overnight deal and everything, but even so, im way totally excited beyond belief. this takes stoked to a new level. since karrigan and mil are two of my favorite people in the whole world. its so convienient for them to be in the same family. which was wierd to think about in the beginning, but now its chill. i dont even think about in anymore. oh i just remembered i was going to talk about derek and his influence on mil. but i dont really want to anymore. since i dont know him and all, i dont need to be assessing such things. or at least, i dont want to be just yet. 666 is being ridiculous right about now, on a more random note. he's a nosy little fucker. i dont know why i even bother talking to him this late at night. its like im asking for it.

but then again, when am i not asking for it?
love, kaatie

i crave the sick sweetness.

2008-12-29T04:25:00.002-04:00

well today was interesting. yesterday i guess, but im pulling a half assed all nighter with karrigan. ohh yes, shes sitting next to me, and were discussing people with waterbeds. apparently their warm comfort went out of style years ago. if you have one, prepare to get teased. im in the weirdest mood, not going to lie. and for once, it doesnt have anything to do with lucifer or steven. it actually has a lot to do with DW, and his advice hotline, as its been deemed by karrigan. and its a twenty four hour hotline....thrilling, no? anyway. i texted him in need of council after i started thinking about how i really dont know anything about emilio. i just noticed that today. i dont really feel close to him. its like, we talk, right? but its always about stupid stuff. the weather, school, tv. not even music, really. i want to have what i felt like [imagined?] that i had with zach. yes, i hate to bring him back up after so long, and after ive found countless ways to tell myself that he wasnt worth it, that what we were wasnt good for me, that it just wasnt a good situation to begin with. but still, there was all of those feelings that i had, legit or not, that i like. the ones that made me feel safe. warm fuzzy feelings, and i dont get that with mil. i still feel like im at a distance and i hate it. its like crossroads right now: i can either decide if i want to keep moving forwards or if i want to start to pull myself away. but lingering here, basically strangers on the most important emotional level...itd kill me. fuck tevyn. i honestly just want to throw myself at mil right now, unguarded, and let him catch me if he means what he says. for once, i want that sickly sweet, adorable, giggles and sunshine relationship. if only for a day.

my dad woke me up at aproximately 6:49 this morning to apoligize for what he said the night before. i was a little groggy and pissed [since my alarm was set for 11], but he was apoligizing all over himself for the night before. for berating me and not being tolerant of my mistakes, he said later. he says he feels terrible, and that he's never going to drink again because of the bad example it set for me and jackie. which i find interesting, but its strange. so he was drunk, and he said some shit. its all fun and good i guess, but theres no point in feeling all guilty when you were under the influence. like i said, if you say it while your drunk, it can most of the time be written off as the drink speaking. it was good that he said something to me though, and even more interesting that he woke me up to do it. i guess he is solid after all. which is comforting. i had a hockey game this morning, against "parents and alumni". i think it was a waste of ice time, personally. it would have been ten times more productive if we'd just had practice. but no, we played. and on the way home, the sun was out, which meant that i could wear my amazing red ray ban wayfarers without looking like an idiot. theyre so amazing, i swear to god. i look so hotttt in them! i feel like there was something else too...it had something to do with mil. oh yeah, him and his older brother. ill talk about that tomorrow i guess, if i feel like it. im getting tired now, so i think im off to bed or something. another giggle fest with karri, more likely.

love, kaatie

the drunken bible crusade.

2008-12-28T21:39:00.003-04:00

YESTERDAY
you'd think that a parent run holiday party would be dull, uneventful. certainly not the source of mischif. and most definately not the source of mischif. and most definately not a reason to cry yourself to sleep. hell, wouldnt it seem like all of tha could potentiall come from leaving two troubled and confused home alone for like five hours [like steven and myself] would be the more likely cause? i think its ridiculously ironic that though we had many chances, absolutely nothing happened. We had a grand time, actuall. We cleaned up the kitchen, played mario kart for wii, and watched Batman [it was really creepy]. in fact, everything was completely fine until my parents got home. mother made a beeline for the bedroom, claiming headache [lightweight?!] but dad wasnt so lucky, since he still had to take steven home. i could smell the alcohol on him, but my first clue that he was utterly inebriated was that he said fuck. ive only heard him swear like once in my life...i just figured he didnt. or didnt around me and jackie, at least. he dropped steven off, and then asked me if anything bad happened. and since i didnt do anything wrong, i was feeling pretty confident about saying that everything was splendid. It was empowering, actually. But ironically, (again?!) It lasted about 30 seconds . He started to lecture ma about something that happened on Friday. We were playing Mario Kart and i got zapped or something and went from first to like last place only feet before the finish line. And being the sailor that i am, i said something resembling the GD word..."gahdahngit" or similar. I know i didnt straight up say it, because i barely cught myself. Of course, Jackie made a big deal about it. My mom just gave me a look and said, "watch your mouth." I figured it was done, buried. Apparently not. Dad's "talk" lasted for twenty minutes.

From his lecture, I have learned three valuable life lessons. More than that, probably. When its all said and done. First though, let me tells you what i know about alcohol. There are people that should drink, because they're charming and silly when they do so. And then theres the kind of the drunks that should be banned from drinking because they become faggy assholes when they're intoxicated. my dad is undoubtedly in the second catagory. my theory: the first group of people started drinking started drinking before they were twenty one, and therefore associate it with excitement. The second group denied themselves, and there you have it, bitter fools. Anyway, i really think that if i am a mean drunk, i wouldn't do it. My dad is, mil's dad is...jeez. i mean, he actually made me cry! With his nonsensical bullshit! Life lesson one: the sweet drink of the Gods makes people speak in tounges, and what is said under its influence, must be disregarded to a point. I picked up on that one when daddy started to contradict himself and babble about things that made no sense. Second: things that are brought before you in absurd ways, communicate the message the strongest. i think i learned something about myself during the talk...when i have to unscramble the words...what he is saying basically reads clearer, because he is saying exactly what his cloudy brain is saying. It wasn't pleasent, i dont plan on talking to him tomorrow, not after some of the things he said. I'm not as strong as id like to pretend, and he hit below the belt Plus, i respect(ed) him, so i'm inclined to take what he says to heart. And third: drinking is not as cool as i thought. Plain as that. DW is right, it's kinda dumb. If i render myself to such a state that i make myself into an unintelligible blubbery mess, whats the fun? It definitely knocked my trust for daddy down a notch, which makes me tear up as i am writing this. I thought he was solid, but i guess not. since he decided to go on a drunken bible crusade.

so im pretty upset, i want to call mil or somebody, but my phone is downstairs and so is my father.
love, kaatie
[partially scrolled by guest dj karrigan]

in the moment, not ahead of it.

2008-12-27T13:18:00.003-04:00

its the afternoon, i think. well almost. noonish. but im super tired. mother dearest made me get up at ten to help her clean up for her party tonight. i dont mind, really, except for the fact that i didnt get to sleep until aproximately five in the morning. it was dumb, admittedly, but i needed something to occupy my mind. i was texting tevyn, aka lucifer, aka 666 since thats easier to spell than lucifer, according to karri. And i think that ive got this whole situation under control now. believe it or not, we most talked it out. and i discovered that in essence, we think the same way, down to fears and whatnot. he acts cocky and confident. so do i. apparently, unless he's bullshitting me, hes afraid of putting himself into a relationship just to be tossed to the side when is all said and done. and lord knows how i feel about putting myself in that vulnerable place. god, its like he reads my mind. and then of course, i say something thats just a little too far, and way out of my comfort zone, and its terrifying because i know that i have the potential to turn something that could be good into something very bad REALLY quick. he said that im perfect for him, but it would end badly. which i understand better than he probably knows. its like zach all over, but in a more intellegent, and well, more real form. at least im learning to master my emotions through all of this. he also, apparently, doesnt want me to make things bad for mil. he said he knows what that feels like [so do i!]. it makes me think of what ethan told mil when he said that he didnt want any games with me. ethan had it right: thats all i ever do.

is it totally wierd that i know that i do all of this stuff? i feel like im evaluating someone else, instead of actually living this. its strange and all, but i dont want it to stop. which probably isnt fair and definately isnt how things are supposed to work, i know that. i logically cannot have mil and tevyn at the same time. it would probably fuck up the world order, like when brutus kills caesar and the world falls to pieces. no, im going to have to concentrate on living in the moment.. im starting to realize that i have something good. but anyways. tonight is that party, and then my parents and their friends will be taking the fun bus to other locations for the night. and steven's going to come over to watch monty python with me, and other fun nefarious activities. i guess you could say that we made up. i didnt chew him out like i wanted to. actually, i gave him the silent treatment, and true to form, 24 hours of unanswered texts later, he was begging for forgiveness. which i dont mind so much. at least i got that much from him. so im going to shower now, and do other fun things. life is good.

love, kaatie

sell out boy.

2008-12-27T04:25:00.003-04:00

DECEMBER 24, 2008. 12:02 AM
now that ive vented and switched pens, id like to wish everyone a merry christmas. honestly, i just want to forget everything for the next few days and relax for once. life is made of highs and low, i know that better than most, this is like a high and a low at the same time, it its mostly just like the low feeling ive come to accept as a normal happening. its turbulent, i guess. but like everything else, this too shall pass. thank god for that. i dont really remember what i asked for for christmas, but whatever i get, its chill. the only thing i really covet right now is a new phone with a QWERTY keyboard. i know im getting a set of golf clubs and rockband, which is exciting, no lie. OH and nana is getting me a pair of wayfarers. which is thrilling.

And fall out boy, despite the fact that island has made them all radio whores, still has kickass lyrics. provacative, witty, amazing. Folie a Deux is decent ONLY because wentz is an exceptional lyricist. thats all i have to say about that, i guess. its too bad that they had to let me down, because i truely worshiped that band. but now, they're known to me as sell out boy, the faggy losers. wow.

love, kaatie

dont call me a whore.

2008-12-27T03:45:00.001-04:00

DECEMBER 23, 2008. 11:51 PM
its really frustrating that i have to take my computer downstairs at night, because its damned hard to blog when i dont have such a device to blog on. And during the day, i never feel like i have anything to write about. After i say goodnight to my parents and turn off the lights is when im assulted by emotion on most nights. but then again, writing it all down manually works fine too. i guess as long as my devoted fans [eye roll] get told about my troubles, its all good. since i know soo many people read this [*insert sigh] oh well. i still get a nice release from this, a writer's high, if you will.

there are a couple of tings that seem to be clouding my thoughts that should be merry, since in 3 mintues it will be christmas eve. it doesnt feel like christmas though. what it feels like is a nightmare. the major characters in said nightmare are myself, tevyn, and steven. all people that usually cause me trouble, i know. but with so many things going on so quickly, and at the same time, everything feels a little dreamlike and surreal. its not good, because i think that might be because im feeling a little guilty. but ill get to that in a minute.

okay so, i want to talk about steven first, because thats what fresh on my mind, it seems as though he's my only solid friend, and thas kinda stange, but whatever. but last night, he called me to tel me that he was "the only imperfect thing in my imperfect life." at first, i was upset, sad, and whathaveyou. but the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is the BIGGEST attention whore ive ever met in my entire life. i know because whenever he bitches about how much his life sucks, i bend over backwards to try and fix it. and do i ever get repaid with anything? i think not! i dont even get loyalty. as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he decides that he doesnt need me. dumb fucker. ill have none of that, i fully intend on telling him all this next time i see him, and i honestly dont care if he things im a bitch. it really has to be done, or else hell never realize that he needs to quit complaining and GROW UP.

now tevyn: ohhh goodness. yesterdat we were texting and he [not me] suggested that we watch a movie. except, he meant at his house, just the two of us. and his film suggestions were even sort of erotic: sweeny todd and moulin rouge. so i decided that it would be better if we went to carmike and actually saw a movie in theatres. so i recruited parker and erica to go see yes man with us [it was dumb, not that funny] so we went. it was eerily like a double date, except it was a mearly for fun, friendly outing. to me, at least, since me and tevyn are not dating. we talked alot, before, during, and after the movie. about almost everything, including beliefs and religion, which i hardly talk about with anyone. not even mil, as of yet. there was no physical contact, though he tried to kiss me a few times during the movie. i kind of wanted to at the time, but im SO glad that i didnt. the chemistry we have [or it seems like we have, anyway] is addicting and exciting, but i know where to draw the line. and kissing is definately across that line. going anywhere at all might be added to across the line very soon. i did decide that i want to give him a shot eventally though. i think itll be good. the hired help at arbys thought we were a couple, which was ironic in a bad way but funny at the same time. ah, well. at least it seems like ive gotten my fix for a while. i wasnt as impulsed to text him today. ugh. i really am terrible.

so as you can see, i happen to be a very fucked up individual. if you must comment, dont tell me that im a dumb whore. i already know that.
love, kaatie

weaknesses and redundancy.

2008-12-21T19:59:00.003-04:00

ho, hum. ABC family is a christmas guilty pleasure of mine, but today they decided to let me down and play the incredibles and cars. and then, the incredibles and cars again. i mean honestly, i love animated movies almost as much as i love art and music, but my god. the same bland plotlines twice in a row!? and cars goes on and on and on. ive never actually been able to watch the whole thing without getting distracted and walking away. but oh well. i would definately rather be watching a classic stop motion christmas movies, but whatever. im in the wierdest mood right now, and id like to dedicate this post to blaming tevyn james bell for my strife. oh and, emilio is going to be in florida for the next week or so with his dad for christmas. and when i heard this, i immediately asked myself, why do i date people that are not from around here? i know the answer: because i hate it here, and like to pretend that this is not my home town. but honestly, all i could think about was zach and his stupid trips home to new york. but i dont talk about him anymore. jeeez.

so anyway. back to tevyn, or as me and karri affectionately nicknamed him, lucifer. because he is like the devil but i just cant get enough of him, or so it seems. when i first met him, i was overwhelmed by the reasons i thought that i should be with him. you know, like we have so much in common, we would be good for eachother, so on, and so forth. but then i got control over myself, and i was like, no katie, he's just playing games, he's clearly just messing with you. and i thought that it would be better from then on. but it didnt get better. like last night, we were chatting it up on facebook. i started with my usual resolve, countering his, you know you want me with a little what the hell does someone like you want with someone like me? But then, suddenly, he was confessing [fakely?!] that he's a closet romantic and that he only gets emotionally involved when he wants to. but we're so similar, i get to thinking. if we went out, wouldnt it work like, amazingly? wouldnt we know exactly what the other one wanted and needed and hated? because we're practically the same person. we understand what we mean, even on stuff that the whole rest of the world thinks is a little off base. compatibility is not something that ive ever gotten to experiance in a relationship before. like, me and emilio dont have anything in common. but nonetheless, our relationship is fabulous. tevyn is a fabulous talker, and i admit that i have a weakness for those. just like i have a weakness for smart people and redheads. and guess what? he's both of those.

me and jason appel plotted about warped tour oh nine today, and its going to be the shit. 30h!3, breathe carolina, bayside, brokencyde, cash cash, escape the fate, every avendue, hit the lights, i set my friends on fire, scary kids scaring kids, millionaires, sing it loud, the ataris, the devil wears prada, the maine, the white tie affair, there for tomorrow, and valencia. oh, and i met a really cool kid named alex taylor. he's fly.

love, kaatie

best friend stealer.

2008-12-18T22:26:00.002-04:00

okay so, im a jealous person right? you all know that already, its one of my less than endearing qualities. but its the wierdest thing: im jealous, and fiercely so, of stevens new girlfriend. It pisses me off mostly because she's a freshman. and i dont like steven in that way, but honestly. she's absolutely adorable and smart, apparently. and she does hardcore drugs, which in stevens eyes, probably makes her infinately cooler than me. so in other words, ive been replaced by a freshman. an asian freshman, no less. not that i have anything against asians, duh. but she's just so perfect looking with her almond shaped eyes and thick black hair and perfect skin. i decided that i hate her, and he way she stole my bestest friend. but whatever, i guess. they wont be together forever, and when they break up, ill still be his bestest friend. and she'll be the bitch. its not like theyre getting married or anything. he only talks to her on the bus. thats where they met, which is the dumbest thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. i mean, seriously. yeah, im dating a kid from my bus. he's awkward looking with her. they dont look like they fit. all in all, the situation pisses me off. i dont want to be with him, but i loved his previously undying devotion, that died. i loved the fact that even though i rejected him, we still had that super strong bond that nothing could come between. i didnt even let mil come between us. he was still the most important person in my life. but ohhh, no. one day of bus girl and suddenly, he doesnt even tell me that he loves me, something that we've been saying to eachother for more than a year. and he doesnt sit with me on the bus anymore. what the fuck kind of bus buddy best friend is that?!

tomorrow is going to be great, i think. its the last day of exams, and i only have drawing and newspaper. blowoff test and a christmas party. and its ugly christmas sweater day. my sweater is kickass, check my facebook sometime for pictures. i have amazing christmas presents to give to everyone too, but i wont say what they are in case people are reading this. well, i guess i can say everyones except my lovely hashbrown....i got mil an AE hoodie. steven's getting a chinese fighting fish [hes dating an asian, how ironic]. karri's getting an really cute F21 hat and scarf. stephology, amazing shoelaces. and caylin, i havent decided what to do. i got a somewhat generic F21 necklace, but she's been quite a bitch to me, so i dont really want to give it to her. i know that sounds terrible, but hey. if we arent going to be friends, i dont want to give her a christmas gift. i might give it to erica instead. thats terrible, isnt it? she texted me last night, and was like, im sorry i blew up at you the other day. i dont really think texts can make up for her blatent rudeness, and i find it hard to believe that she values our friendship at all. but ill think about it. im generally pretty forgiving.

i dont know why i have all of these hateful feelings right now. oh wait, yes i do. pms.
love, kaatie

things i never want to be.

2008-12-17T18:03:00.003-04:00

there are some things i would never like to be. one of them is fat. seriously, if any of you notice that in my facebook pictures that im starting to look a little porky, let me know immediately! and then stab me with an ice pick in the back of the neck. and then promptly put me on a diet. other things on the list never to be is repulsive in any way, shape or form. and never to smell, with the exception of after hockey games/practices, because if i dont smell like sweat after hockey, it means i didnt sweat, and if i didnt sweat, i didnt work hard enough. i also dont want to acquire a straight up bad reputation. like, i know that my ways make people talk, which is hilarious because of all things im definately not a slut, no matter how many boys i talk to. but i dont want to be labeled as a loser or something. unless that label contains the words arrogant, pretentious, or something else of that nature. because i definately am. i dont know, thats probably why i feel like i have to get this out there: if i was nasty, i dont know how i would be able to go on! seriously, if people smell or are really fat, other people remember and talk about it. or at least, i know i do. and i dont want to be talked about like that. plus, it would be such a waste of my charm and good looks if i was gross, dont you think?

my facebook account is unavalible right now, which is annoying. who knows, thats probably a sign that i need to get up off my ass and get the driveway snowblown, since it snowed like two inches last night. i dont mind so much; i would prefer real winter to the puss winter with slush and lukewarmness anyway. or maybe its a sign that i need to get offline and study for my chemistry final, which looms over my head scarily. todays finals included algebra II, which wasnt so bad i guess, and fashion, which was super easy. you know. i used to think i was a good test taker, but not so much anymore. i hate taking tests, especially ones in math and chemistry. i work so slowly, i never have time to finish, which frustrates me because i feel like if i could get the damn things finished, i could get a halfway decent grade. but no. i hate those classes so much, but i discovered that i have at least one friend in both of them next semester.

thats decent, i guess, except my friend in chemistry happens to be tevyn, and i dont care what my instincts tell me, that is not good. im making a logical case with myself to never talk to that kid again, because honestly, he means trouble. its not that i like him, really. i know that about ninty percent of what he says to me he doesnt mean, and what he does mean, he's only telling me because he wants to get in my pants. im fully aware of these things, but i talk to him anyway. and whats worse: i look forward to talking to him, and sometimes i text him first. believe me, i confuse myself with such actions also. but its like, ive never known someone who has such an addicting effect to me like that. he draws me in and makes me want to keep talking to him. he makes the utterly impossible things he proposes sound like no big deal. AND he makes it seem like he's supremely attractive and like im extremely stupid for not wanting him. i do want him though, at least a little bit. because for everything thats wrong with him [the fact he wants me to cheat on mil, the fact that he's already hooked up with at least two other girls at carroll, and theyre both in show choir and theyre both disgusting, the fact that hes in showchoir himself, the fact that he dresses awkwardly sometimes, his bad hair] we still have things in common and he still has those magical blue eyes...and he's still a total womanizer [excuse me while i sing, that song is stuck in my head.] i guess the bad out weighs the good, but that doesnt make me like him any less. possibly because im an idiot?

oh well. i have to study. more later, or tomorrow.
love, kaatie

triumphant return.

2008-12-14T21:19:00.001-04:00

hey, guess who?! hell yeah kids, its katie. in case you forgot, im that easy breezy hippie swinger that loves music, art, and fashion and delights in a good time. things have been so crazy lately, and i was a bit to wrapped up in my own head for a while there, so i decided to take a break and detox, if you will, from spending so much time every day talking about my pathetic life. but things have changed so much in the last month, i kid you not. i believe i am a completely different person. that concert was amazing, by the way. my warped tour shoes are complete, and carolina liar is definately one of my new favorite bands. i guess they have been for a while...a lot of bands have joined those ranks as of lately though. and some unlikely songs hailing from the mainstream have found their way into my heart..er, head. forever by chris brown and womanizer by brittany spears. chris brown cranks out hits that are purely radio every now and then, so it doesnt surprise me that i like forever. but brittany spears....thats different. stab me, but i love her. her videos suck ass, but her music...its not that her lyrics are good. but all of her recent stuff is fabulously catchy. so, there you go. i submit to some popular songs/musicians. but hannah montanna still makes me bleed out the ears.

but more important things have happened to me since i last posted than finding a few new favorite songs. for starters, caylin and i are not really friends anymore. she's a piece of work though, lemme tell you. its not that i dont like her, really, but her attitude is tiresome. all she ever does is cause drama, and she definately acts like she doesnt want to be friends anyway. so i decided that it wasnt worth my time. but, as easily as i seem to lose best friends, i find them easy to replace. fickle bitch says you? easier that way, says i. seriously though. ashley and i reconnected, which is amazing. and karri, aka karrigan marie aka my sister in law serious journalism partner in crime is my bestest friend ever. we have good times in newspaper and we're basically the shit. that unmentionable boy, well, his name is troy temple and he joined the army. he's fun to bother sometimes. and dustin? he actually isnt creepy at all. in fact, DW is one of the smartest, sweetest people i know. totally dateable, though, even though i use the word sweet, if he's reading this. he's an intellegent boy, proof that they really do exist. i consider him the big brother i never had. and ill love him forever, even though his sister is BW and she likes emilio. or so we thing. and let's not forget emilio...i didnt think it would last this long, but things are still absolutely fantastic. its the exact sort of relationship i imagined would result from having your first kiss together under the stars. we fight, but its cute, and there's always a lot of making up afterwards. im not sure love is the word, because im not going to go through all of that again, but i care about him more than i expected to. things are perfect in my perfect life.

or at least they were, until this other boy came crashing into my life. i met him in chemistry class, of all places. the one class where i dont need any distractions. but oh my god, he's a distraction and a half times infinity. his name is tevyn bell and he's probably the most attractive boy ive ever been good friends with. he likes all of the same music as i do, plays seven instruments, plays soccer, is smart, gets good grades, and is from south africa. he has the most amazing blue eyes, the kind that remind you of the sky in july, but are deeper and kinder and a hell of a lot more intoxicating. i know, it sounds like there's something going on, doesnt it? well, i wont deny that i like him. it hard not to. even emilio is friends with him. tevyn is a whole new thing for me...its like meeting myself as a male. he's confident and flattering and even has red hair. but i do my best to not let myself think about him too much. its hard though. and uh....did i mention that he wants to be friends with benefits?

yeah. more on that later. im sure its going to come up about every day. but at least its almost christmas! only one more week of school...finals start on wednesday. and then a half day friday, which hopefully, ill be spending at mil's. but i think i need some sleep now. this was nice. i kind of forgot the release i got from blogging to anyone and everyone that cares to read my innermost thoughts. which arent that inner after theyre on here, are they? perplexing. goodnight.

love, kaatie

two days until the concert.

2008-11-08T01:14:00.002-04:00

its either very late or very early, and im so tired, but i figured that since ive been depriving myself of this outlet i would post tonight because im going to be gone tomorrow and sunday. tomorrow, i have two hockey games, then its off to michigan to see we the kings, the academy is..., hey monday, and carolina liar. im so excited, you have no idea. i hope i see ezekiel the merch guy again. that would totally make my day, because hes so tight. and if i could meet travis clark again and have the rest of the band sign my shoes...ohh, life would just be amazing. and william beckett....yumm :]

things with steven were...interesting today. i didnt say anything to him, but i couldnt stop thinking about it. i told mil, and he was supportive and appropriately shocked. i almost cried as i was telling him though, which i think may have freaked him out a little bit. then i felt bad, and a little self centered. i wont let it happen though. ill have him at my house every day. i wont let him out of my sight [steven that is. not mil, although i want him to be with me all the time so badly its crazy]...thats how ill make sure everything is fine. tonight we went to the haunted jail in columbia city, which was the scariest thing ive ever experianed in my life. i did a lot of screaming and i didnt let go of mil if i could help it...it was cute the way he held me. but we were both terrified. im so jumpy anyway. i bet it was hilarious to see the two of us, at least for the actors there. then we chilled at taco bell. which was exciting, no lie. we make good three muskateers.

i must sleep. and dream of 1) my man. and 2) my other man, travis clark. but mostly my own, because i dont think you can top that.
love, kaatie

things that matter and things that dont.

2008-11-06T23:09:00.004-04:00

i know some things: kissing my boy makes my head spin and my heart race. steven scott grim is my best friend and i would be absolutely nothing without him. newspaper class is absolutely amazing. my life has its little ups and downs, but is absolutely amazing, and i wouldnt trade it for anything.

my first story is silly, and trivial. today, karri mentioned a secret and i mentioned it to mil, and he obviously had one, so i like finally got it out of him. apparently, like last tuesday, he was in earthspace science and this girl came up to him and asked him if he was dating me. and for some random reason he said no. probably because we'd been going out for less than twenty four hours and people had been asking us both for the entire month we'd been talking. my guess is, he answered automatically, like he was used to. which is fine with me, personally. because going out doesnt make you a part of eachother. thats what time does. but anyway, as soon as he said it, he started to freak out. because apparently, he thought that his subconcious was trying to tell him that he didnt want to really be with me, which was not the case, as ive been assured by karri. but he made a huge deal about it and i thought it was funny. ohh, boys and their silly ideas. but honestly, things with us couldnt be better.

but this is serious. nick lytle, my favorite baby daddy and best friend ever, told me something that made me cry and made me scared and is making me not want to sleep for the rest of my life. he said that steven wants to kill himself. and i dont really know what to do. immediately, i thought of similar events and about how ive been in this situation before. i told someone, and ultimately, they were alright. it took a while, and it took tears and hard work, but it paid off. so i want to tell someone. but then...steven is different. hes depressed and does drugs and is into all the wrong things, and doesnt care about much of anything that matters. i dont know what would happen if i told someone what was going on with him. he would obviously get help, but wouldnt he get in trouble also? would his parents even be supportive? would they care? but the smarter side of me wants to go to someone first thing in the morning, and talk to them about it. i know this is serious, every health class ive ever talken has drilled this into my head. but im scared...to lose him as a friend, but i guess if i dont do anything, i might lose him completely. and i dont know if i could ever recover from that. he told nick he was giving it a year.

i guess i know what i have to do, but i dont know how to do it. im crying and im scared, and thinking about it makes it all the more real to me. it makes me wonder if i could have prevented this somehow. actually, it makes me wonder something very specific: if we were together, would any of this be happening? someone help me.

love, kaatie

political soup.

2008-11-05T23:13:00.003-04:00

today at school there was a motivational speaker instead of homeroom and activity period. not going to lie, he was probably the most inspiring person ive ever heard speak in my entire life. his story was so touching that i cried, and it really made me want to change for the better. he talked about forgiveness and moving forward in your life, which really hit home because of the way things are with my mom. after his presentation, im willing to let everything go and just work on forming a better relationship with her. i kind of wish that she heard him speak too, though. actually, i think everyone should hear this guy speak once in their life. yeah, hes that good. maybe we should elect him president, if barack obama doesnt work out. speaking of my man obama, im super jazzed that he won the election. but my dad was saying something about his bailout plan affecting my ability to go to Pratt for college because i wont be able to get student loans to pay for it. which would REALLY piss me off. no lie. so now, even though obama won and ive been for him from the beginning, im a little uneasy. i mean, its waay exciting that im consiously living through such a historic election. i dont mean that hes the first african american president, even though thats why people are calling it historic. i dont give a damn if hes black. or white, or mexican, or gay, or rich or poor. those kinds of things couldnt mean less to me. rather, im fascinated by obamas socialist ideals. i find the idea of socialism to be good and beneficial, so to be young while such practices might be implemented in the united states...wow. ive always wondered what it was like to live through things like the USSR or WWII or the French Revolution. did those people know that the things that went on in their world, the politics that their parents debated at the dinner table, the things they chatted about with their friends....the things that were actually going on in the world...if those things would actually be a part of history to come. bush was possibly the worst president in american history. i think, historically, he will be one of those leaders, like for instance, stalin, who came in to change something and left the whole world wondering, what the fuck were you even thinking? and now that our world [our precious PRINCIPLE OF INTERVENTION >:(] is a such a critical point, im ready to witness some history. congratulations, president obama.

four more days until i see my beloved travis again!
love, kaatie

i never cease to thrill.

2008-11-05T00:08:00.004-04:00

i discovered, much to my surprise and probably the surprise of many others, something about myself today: i am a commitmentphobe. the feeling hit me all at once. but when i think about it, long term relationships have never really been my thing. when i think about it, after the guy and me actually sit down and talk about being official, things change. for me at least. and thats why it always feels like relationships change the second that they start for me, i think. when we're talking, everythings fine. because im not scared, then. but then WHAM all of a sudden, were together. a couple. we have to do everything that that horrible, nasty word entails. not that i dont like being in a relationship. deffffinately not that. i love the feeling of being loved, and being in a relationship give me some amount of tangible security, i guess. but i dont like all of the things that couples think theyre supposed to do. like, for instance, celebrate 1 month anniversaries, and spend every waking minute together. talk every passing period. you know, all the formalities and such...i dont know. i just think its wierd. does this even make any sense to anyone? i just like things to be the way they are before things are labeled, i guess.

which brings me to the point of my story. today, mil stayed after school with me to keep me company during layout night. and after a while of just staring at my homework, we decided to go mess around somewhere [carroll high school has many amusing locations to do such a thing, you just have to search for them. and always be on your toes. you never know when a janitor is going to pop out of no where!] so we went on that little jaunt and ended up coming back down the stairs by the room where the newspaper staff was chilling, holding hands and just like, talking. and this one girl was like, "WHOA what were you guys just doing?!" and im like, "uhh, nothing abby." because shes wierd and i dont think ive ever talked to her in my life. and then she said "well, you never know. but nine months later..." and i was just like, ok. thats wierd as hell. so we were sitting in the newspaper room by karri. so later i said something about us being in a crowded room, so maybe such pda was not wise, and he was like, why? your my girl. and that really made my day. thats what relationships should be about...not labels or commitment. just solid feelings, trust, and that tingly feeling i get every time he touches me. :]

ELECTION DAY = OBAMA'08
love, kaatie

sweet freedom.

2008-11-03T16:45:00.002-04:00

Im ungrounded, a few days early which excites me to an extreme. like you dont even know. so im going to start blogging regularly again, which may or may not be a good thing in the grand scheme of things. if anyone cares, then its your lucky day. and its my lucky day, because i can like, share things now. things have been good for me lately with the exception of today, because today was just a little...wierd. i mean, not really wierd, but not usual...who even knows. im just waaay out of it. probably because im tired and so stressed out that i dont even know if ill be able to handle it. thats why im blogging at this moment, by the way. i need to unwind before i can start my homework.

but things happened today: for one, justo lamas came to our school and preformed a bitchin concert in spanish. me and stephanie decided that it was a warmup for the amazing show were going to on sunday [which is in 6 days!] anyway. if you dont know who justo is, then you're definately missing out. hes basically this spanish pop star type deal that preforms at schools to teach spanish and raise awareness [get ready for this - its crazy] schitzofrenia/suicide. he sings and dances for three whole hours, while people scream and pretend that hes cool because he doesnt speak much english [during the show, he criticizes himself for not taking english in highschool. because he didnt think our language was important. pfffft, what was he thinking?] and take pictures with flash because thats encouraged i guess. his favorite dance moves include swaying he knees back and forth, and pelvic thrusts. and he flipped his greasy, shoulder length blonde hair upside down exactly 146 times during the show. during one song, he walked up and down the two main aisles in the large auditorium and sang, for some unknown purpose. actually, i think the purpose was so that people sitting in the aisle could touch him. AND I DID. yes, he suggestively squeezed my left hand. you know you're jealous. after the show, i got a picture signed and whatnot. i was aproximately 3 feet away from a creepy argentine man that sings for little children and dances suggestively. what a day, what a day.

basically, nothing else has changed. me and mil are still good. we've been going out for a week. on halloween, he came over and we passed out candy. my parents still suck.

now, i must go waste time elsewhere.
love,kaatie

officially official.

2008-10-29T15:47:00.002-04:00

its been quite a while, but honestly, im not freaking. kindof, because i broke the whole pattern of posting everyday or at least at every single oppurtunity i could, but not so much on an emotional level. probably because things are going well, amazingly. i havent felt like this before. which is extremely cliche and i realize that, but its one of those feelings that makes you want to get out of bed at five oclock and get to school early just to talk to that someone. in my case, mil. one of those feelings that lingers, and makes everything, no matter how mundane, exciting, because you know theres someone who wants to hear all about everything. someone who wants to hear every detail about your days, whos fascinated with every part of you...it really is wonderful. and i still cant believe that i found someone like that. seriously, i mentioned him in a post when i met him. and now, less than a month later....

not much happened last week, as far as wednesday is concerned at least. the poetry reading went great. school was a half day on thursday, and then me and mom and jackie chilled around the house and cleaned. my room recieved a much needed cleaning. friday, we shopped. and i got some cute stuff. then we took my dad out for dinner for his birthday, which is actually tomorrow, but hes in arizona. then i spent the night at caylins with her and steph. we watched some movies [silent hill and se7en are both scary as hell. my goodness. i dont recommend watching them without guys, which is what we did.] and chilled. then went to caylins volleyball thingy. then i had to go home by myself. but i was pretty freaked out. so i called mil, and we talked for about...4 hours. sunday, we didnt leave the house, so i had a disney marathon. alice in wonderland is so trippy. and beauty and the beast remains my favorite one, the little mermaid a close second.

monday was probably the most amazing day of my entire life. i went over to mils house at like 11ish, and we hung out til like 4. he asked me to be his girlfriend, so we're definatly official :] ohhh wow. get details from me if i love you. all i can say is wow. i think i found a keeper. hes just so amazing, and it was so unexpected. i found something good.

yesterday and today; school. ive been quite keyed up, so i havent been sleeping that well, but i think its a good thing. because ive been lying awake thinking happy thoughts about someone that i may or may not love but definately have some strong feelings for. yknow. halloween is the day after tomorrow, and apparently im too old to trick or treat so i think that mil is coming over here to pass out candy with me. then, arrianas party on saturday. im definately pumped. and i know i say this kind of a lot, but damn, my life is good.

love, kaatie

trend.

2008-10-21T15:54:00.002-04:00

your new trend is such a disaster
dont try and fool us with pretentious laughter
i think i can see but its not very clear
i know you know what happened here
death cab comes, quick bolt the door
bloody kleenex all over the floor
glorified and glamorized
try and forget their sunken eyes
its on your hands and heres a tip
we dont care if youre really hip
you said shoot up, come fly with me
the habit wouldnt set them free
you models are beautiful, dont get me wrong
emaciated junkies have been in all along
down your runway, hell comes faster
your new trend is such a disaster.

critique?

preforming artist?!.

2008-10-21T15:46:00.003-04:00

ohhemmgee! tonight is ms ococks poetry reading at firefly coffee house. im waaay effing pumped. a band is going to be there, called dark room. apparently its ms ococks friend from college or something, and hes tight as HELL. not even joking. he was in english class today to talk about music and poetry, and i thought i was going to die. literally. its a damn good thing that i sit in the back of the classroom. for one, he was a ginger. with amazing hair.. second only to travis's, but sexy FO SHO. i just wanted to like, run my fingers through it. for two, he had great style. like, he just looked cool. and then...oh my god his voice. check them out on myspaceee, hes tight. im so glad that im in honors english. AND his favorite band is death cab for cutie, because of ben's amazing lyrics. so basically, it was the best class, not only english class [exageration, yes. but still] ever.

so im nervous for this whole reading thing. i mean, i love to write, and i know im good at it [uhh, yes, concieted] but like, i like to think of myself as a visual artist. i mess around on the guitar, but im by no means a musician. but, in spite of nerves and apprehension, i shall overcome. :D ill post my poem next. things with mil are going splendidly. we actually hung out today, even though it was before school. but still, it was time together.

it was a good day.
love, kaatie

a little jaded but what else is new.

2008-10-19T19:44:00.001-04:00

its strange. ive had so many wierd thoughts lately but nothing to say...thats a lie. i have plenty to say, but when i actually have time to sit down and just spill it all out, i cant think of any words to accuately describe what im thinking. its not like last weekend [or at least i think it was last weekend, where i could barely even talk because i was just so dumbfounded by emilio and the whole host of feelings that suddenly materialized with him] but its uncomfortable in the same way. my sanity depends on being able to talk about what im feeling so that i can understand it. and im not able to do that when i have to spend the entire weekend with 13 year old boys and my sister. ugh. hockey season has begun. the highlights of my weekend include being called a pedophile and being asked not one but three times if i went to michigan state university.

i feel a little jaded, and it might have something to do with ethan meyers [hes a part of that not so exclusive club of mine. you know, the ex's.] telling [warning?] mil that i get bored with guys easily and that im a bitch and that i go through boyfriends like no tomorrow and that if he gets involved with me, it wont last more than a week. so mil like freaks out and calls me on thursday night to find out if its true [accurate answer: probably]. of course i told him that ethan was probably just jealous, and not to worry about it. but im extremely furious. ethan meyers does not have long to live. gage said that he just wants to get back with me. AS FUCKING IF. but it got me to thinking: what if thats really what other people think about me? that im just going from guy to guy for entertainment, that i just wanna mess around and be done [although ethan definately never got any from me]. i mean, yeah i get bored easily, but thats because no one interests me. if i found someone who actually made me love them for something, someone that made me feel the way i want to feel, which is not like a freaking middle school crush. [like zach. i never got bored with him] i want to be in real love. i want a relationship that keeps in coming back day after day, someone i absolutely can not stop thinking about if i try...is that too much to ask? apparently, yes.

i need some ice cream. goodness gracious. at least i have school tomorrow. i need a hug, and i think i know exactly where i can find a good one.... ;]
love, kaatie

tagged.

2008-10-18T12:13:00.004-04:00

:o i got tagged by almostjade. that means people are reading my blog. which makes me intensely happy. so im writing this, like, bouncing up and down. with excitement.

WISHES
1) for things to work out with emilio
2) to have enough money to get my fashion fix
3) to find friends that are mature and do not add to the stress in my life
4) to marry travis clark and have a ginger child :]

DESTINATIONS
1) New York City
2) Haiti
3) London
4) Madrid

CAREERS
1) fashion design
2) music industry
3) journalism
4) photography

AT THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, GODS GONNA SAY
1) hey katie,
2) we have plenty of people that are eager to meet you,
3) because of the things you did during your life
4) youre about to have a great time

VICTIMS
1) hashbrown
2) jbaby
3) aren
4) jocelyn

love, kaatie

times like these.

2008-10-15T17:11:00.005-04:00

whoa hey. im a little bit spazzed out todaybecause of the PSAT and last night being, well, basically one of the best nights of my life, EVEN THOUGH my math homework took me all of like four hours and i only got like five hours of sleep because my stupid hair was in stupid rollers. but it turned out cute so im happy. kinda. i hate wearing my hair curly most of the time because i think it looks dumb but everyone else says its cute. i took a photo and when my computer moves back upstairs when i regain custody of it in like 3 more weeks, ill upload it. but anyway. back to last night.

everyother tuesday is layout night, so of course, that set the tone for the most amazingest evening. so i went to the newspaper room, with karri and mil [:)]. so i was like, working on my math, and me and karri were making fun of mil because he doesnt speak like any spanish at all and were both really fluent. obviously we were talking about him. and about how hes whipped, pre-relationshiply. so then karri disappeared, and me and mil hung out for quite a while. then we went to the vball game to watch caylin. and then i realized that bri anderson [who hates me with a passion] and liz jones [mil's ex :o who, if she didnt hate me before, probably hates me now] are both on the volleyball team. and sure enough, mil and i were recieving death glares from both of them. i thought it was funny then, but now i sorta feel bad. a little. because it would have been a little like zach going to a golf match and then being all over taylor. OUCH. but they only like went out for a week and that was like a month ago, so its not quite as bad. but what can you do? im not smart enough to do something like that on purpose. then mils older brother derek came to pick them up, and lemme just throw this out there: if mil turns out like derek, then we will certainly be getting married because my GOODNESS that boy is CALIENTE. oh man. then, well, i think we all know what happened next. the second was better than the first :]

its a different kind of like right now, and im slowly starting to figure out why mil isnt like the other flames this year. for one, he knows how things operate, and i think he values space like i do. but in that, he doesnt let anyone, myself included, that hes completely crazy about me. hes adorable. at first, i thought that him being a master at making my heart race made him also a master player, but not anymore. not after orin and andy both told me that he talks about me constantly. he just makes me feel comfortable around him, and more importantly, comfortable with myself. looking back, im not sure that zach ever made me feel like that. in fact, im starting to think that all of the feelings i had for zach were partially imaginary. because we really didnt see eachother that much for me to be that 'in love' with him. i dont want to let those feelings go, but i know that i can now, because i found someone that makes me really feel like that. for real.

its times like these that make this rollercoaster worth riding.
love, kaatie

i got kissed under the stars.

2008-10-13T16:47:00.004-04:00

im baaack....did you miss me? well, actually, im definately not back because im definately still grounded, but i had a very interesting weekend so ill take a few minutes from my intense review writing for the charger to talk about it. i missed my blogging more than ever as i sat around feeling very apathetic and so confused after friday night. not that it went badly...contrarily, it was amazing. well, mostly. ill get to that in a minute. but the feelings i had...i wish i could have documented them. because im sure that ive never felt like that before. it was so wierd, because the way i was thinking was so removed from what i was feeling. and then this morning, they totally completely shifted on me. like, one of those 'was i really thinking that or was i imagining it?' kind of deals.

friday night was...amazing. i wont bore you with the details [but if you ask me, i just might telll you the juicy parts ;)] overview: we watched the STUPIDEST movie ive ever seen im my life, called session 9 about a crazy guy, i think. the plot was so confusing and all over the place that i didnt even totally understand what went on, except that the one guy killed all the other people because he was insane and the voice in his head [whose name was simon...i did pick up on that. simon also liked in this dead girl's head and made her kill her brother and parents. i think. that was just kindof in the movie randomly.] it was rated R, but im not exactly sure why. really, the only thing that happened was the kid was rolling a j and they said fuck like twelve thousand times. so who knows. so then the movie ended and me and mil decided to just go like, walk around outside. so we walked around in pine valley for a while, just talking and such. it was quite romantic, if i do say so myself. then we chilled on some random person's swingset and looked at the stars. and then [for those of you that cant see this coming] he kissed me :]

well, then we got back to stephanie's house, and caylin was PISSED like whoa, and i got attacked because caylin doesnt have a boyfriend [i maintain that i also do not have a boyfriend, at least right now] and shes lonley, blah blah blah...what was i supposed to do? that was definately a wierd conversation, but whatever. i have a plan, which i will most likely share when things are settled. all that needs to happen is steven needs to stop being an ass, and then things shall be good. but even all that didnt ruin my friday. i dont think anything could, really.

the confusion is basically unjustified and stupid, so i wont even go there.

the rest of the weekend was emotional nonsense. jackie had three games, so i went to those, but basically did nothing. i finished the colored pencil drawing, and it looks absolutely terrible. i hate it. i got an eighty five though, and that was suprising. at least i dont have to work on it anymore. i wrote a kickass poem for english class. and newspaper was good. me and karri just talked about things [trevor and mil, haha. duh.] and laughed alot. tomorrow is layout night, which makes me happy.

love, kaatie

quick, before someone comes home.

2008-10-09T20:43:00.002-04:00

no one is home right now except for me and the damn bird. my dad and sister went to hockey practice on the other side of town, and wont be home for another hour and a half. my mother is somewhere around indianapolis for a trace adkins concert. i used to find the fact that she went on these three day concert excursions mortifying, but now its only mildly embarassing. not that i like, tell people though. idk. but anyway, that leaves me here to play music as loudly as i please and draw and get on the computer to tell you all about my day. arent you lucky?

well actually, today was pleasant. spanish went quickly, and it was remarkable, except i had to be partners with ethan for an actividad and it was awkward. but you know me, or maybe not....i stop at nothing to resolve an awkward situation. which basically means i babble endlessly about things that do not matter whatsoever and that makes things even more awkward and soon things go disasterously. anyway. then i had drawing, during me and sean and jessi made a giraffe and a trophy and a tree out of our erasers. it was quite intense. there was also a highly inappropriate conversation across the room about the acid levels in someones moms vajayjay. and mr kilmer was a bit wierded out. but that is typical of carroll art classes, i suppose. its no worse than our convos with mr mcfarren last year about such topics as drugs, parents, rebellion, and relationships. newspaper....oh god. the unmentionable boy heard me and karri talking about mil and he immediately got all pissy. which definately means that he had feelings for me, which is BAD. bad to the twelve thousandth power. bad bad bad timing. like whoa. i honestly have no idea what to do. suggustions would me greatly appreciated. in seventh period, ms ocock assulted us with a suprise test. just grand, right?

basically, things with mil couldnt be better. were gonna go to stephs tomorrow to watch scary movies. and im pumped. because i think that something may happen :D

love, kaatie

who even knows.

2008-10-08T16:35:00.002-04:00

OH SNAP. its been too long. i didnt realize how completly dependent on this i am...i really really do need an outlet or else sporatic thoughts bounce around in my head and i cant sleep at night. but im grounded, so posts will be few and far between for the next, well, month. its so very unfortunate that i wont be able to tell the world about my conquests for twenty eight more days...i do rather hate being grounded. it sucks. since like, now that i dont have anything else to do, my teachers have been giving me virtually zero homework. so basically, i sit around and chill. and play tetris on my calculator.

my hair is amazing. absolutely incredible. its short...barely touching my shoulders. its mostly red, with big random peekaboo blonde highlights underneath. very layered, with relatively short side bangs. that can be made into the kind that go straight across. its sweet, especially because short hair can be styled so many ways...its sorta overwhelming, actually, to someone that has never gone beyond the simple mousse, dry, and straighten. its edgy. i feel like it totally captures my personality. and thats what everyone else says. honestly, i think the only person who doesnt like it is ashley prindle. but thats probably because shes hatefully jealous of my bangin bod, talent, brains...taste, style...ability....and about everything else. silly gossiping fool. oh, and my parents. i think. they acted awfully angry for liking my new look. thats why im grounded. because i guess i didnt follow the chemical process restrictions while i was getting my hair done. and i gave them sass. but whatever, at least i have cool hair. allyce said that she just made this style up in her head, which means that no one has it. mission accomplished.

im not sure about the unmentionable boy and his feelings. like, it seemed like it was going somewhere for a while, but i might have imagined that. so im just going to like, see where that goes, but not really pursue it as much. newspaper is mostly filled with talking to karri about emilio these days [emilio was previously nicknamed million, but since were practically talking now, i feel as though his name can be used]. hes adorable and such...not straightlaced at all, but he has a cleancut, preppy style. maybe not my fave, but at least he has style. totally cute. hes the only guy ive ever like that pulls off short hair really well. so im going to see where that goes...weve been spending virtually all free time together at school since we met last thursday night. sitting together at lunch and stuff...and he walks me to all my classes. its cute. i just dont know though...it seems so in reach that it scares me. do i really want to be in love again? has it ever worked out before? the answer is no, for anyone that felt like debating my rhetorical question.

who knows whats going to happen while i cant tell you all about it. its depressing to think about...ill post when i can.
love, kaatie

music hunter, yours truely.

2008-10-04T20:31:00.003-04:00

i think that i might have a new interest. not love interest, which might suprise people, since it seems like thats all ive been talking about since zach and i broke up over a month ago. my goodness, it seems like its been way longer than that. but anyway. this is not a post about boys or relationships. because its saturday and i talked to zero boys today. and thought about them only a little bit, i confess. nothing conclusive. BUT ANYWAY.

new interest: well actually old interest, but ive never seriously considered it as a career. but the music industry! my goodness, how cool would it be to work for a record company, like street team or something. or go on tour with bands and work in merch or promotion or something? i seriously think that that would be among the coolest careers ever. i got a taste today, when this band called stealing jane messaged me on purevolume. i gave them a listen, and really liked them. so then the guy, bryce, asked me if i had friends that would be interested [of course i do, and those friends are also avid name droppers. so even better]. i told him yes, and then thought of something else...podcasts! i never got a response from FBR on the friday night boys [im not sure how i feel about that] so i havent done a music review yet. but i figured that an unsigned band like SJ would love to be featured on something like that, to get their music out. so i asked him, and he was like YES PLEASE DO, which made me feel ultracool and super excited to be on the charger staff. i sent him a couple questions, and hes gonna send me some background info and some unreleased tracks to listen to and play in the podcast...whoa its intense. wouldnt it be intense to make a name for myself as an online band promoter? i do love finding bands with new sound that beg for a fan base...its all i can do to help them out. its my new quest.

epic haircut is tomorrow. tonight, i go to caylins to chill and whatnot. it shall be enjoyable as always, im sure. man oh man, life is good right now.

love, kaatie
[buy stealing jane's album on cdbaby or itunes!]

sneak attack.

2008-10-03T22:45:00.003-04:00

you know that you're a complete loser nerd when you sit around and play games on your calculator in sweats at nine pm on friday night. yes, i qualify. but i think i needed a night to just sit around and chill. i went out last night, so i guess it might be alright. and i have that stupid art project to finish. but every time i start working on it, i just get mad and quit because it sucks and i just want to light it on fire. mr kilmer said that my portrait is good enough to win an award in the scholastic art competition after christmas break, so id much rather be working on that than a stupid piece that i actually AM going to light on fire after its graded. because i probably wont get higher than a B on it anyway. so whats the point? well, by now, im at the point where im just kinda coloring it. i officially do not give a damn anymore.

i hate when you think you know how you feel about something/someone, and then you do a suprise attack on yourself. you're just bopping along, being, say, lovesick over someone, and things are going great. then WHAM out of nowhere! comes someone else. and then you cant even decide what to do! like, the unmentionable boy was all i could think until i started talking to this new fellow [codename, million. just go with it. when i figure this out, ill let you know his real name and it will all make sense.] it was like, so wierd, too. because i just met him like yesterday. but he told karri that hes totally into me. and he sounds completely adorable, from what ive heard. soo. yknow. im just a little like, confuzled right now...

like whoa, im tired. i think im going to go to sleep, and maybe tomorrow do some serious thinking. and some serious golfing, with my daddy. then some serious saturday night churching, then to caylins! to get my hair did! im sooo excited. you dont even know.

love, kaatie

general school day, with flirtation.

2008-10-02T22:26:00.004-04:00

school was fast today, and i dont really know what else. in newspaper, i spent a great deal of time talking to the unmentionable boy and dustin, the business manager. it might be silly, but talking to such persona, them both being seniors, makes me feel kinda special. well, flirting with the unmentionable boy is always exhilirating. especially since he flirts back :] humm...dustin from newspaper is kinda creepy. im not sure that i like him that much, as far as newspaper friendships go. he makes comments that make he think that he likes me, which will be really wierd if i go out with the unmentionable boy. but oh well. i was looking at some old pictures of him on facebook, from when he was a sophmore. he was actually really cute then! so im like, uhhmm...what happened? i really like last day of the production cycle thursdays, which mean a full block period of just walking around and talking to people. wandering the school, if i wish. not that i want to leave the pub room. but you know.

i went to the school play, and it was quite adorable. i was with karri, and one of her other friends, and her stepbrother, whose in my grade. i was a little suprised when i talked to him, because hes like, reallyreally nice and such. and idk. nice. thats really all that happened.

love, kaatie

fast times

2008-10-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

lets see. today flew by, even though today is wednesday and i hate wednesday. my tests were easy enough, i suppose. i pretty much just played tetris on my calculator all day, which was amusing. the unmentionable boy [kudos to janna on the code name!] said hi to me TWICE in the halls, even though we didnt have a class together today. it was pretty intense. steven and i are having a...situation, if you will. im not so sure that i like it, but then again, i cant seem to get it off my mind. so there you have it. i guess somewhere in my twisted, manipulative little brain, there are some unknown feelings for steven. they can stay locked away in their dusty corner thought, because ill have none of that. he WAY isnt my type. my type is hipster, fashionable, busy, smart, talented. steven is none of those.

after school me and my mom and jackie went to the vera bradley sale preview at the coliseum. there was no fights, because apparently the people who buy tickets [like my mom and myself, because we are terrible about these events, who managed to walk out with $250 plus worth of bags] are more cultured. i did see a fight once, and it was probably the best experiance of my life. two women were like beating eachother for a messenger bag. THE LAST ONE. ohh man. but anyway. i kinda hate vera bradley, but i found this one bag in this one color that might be kinda kitsch. possibly. but whatever. the sale is fun, like a secert agent mission with a giant pink shopping bag among rows and rows of stacks of bags. there was an oddly large number of males working there, but they were actually like, really hot. i was impressed. i purchased three adorable golf gloves, a cargo sling, a change/ID wallet thing, and another zippy type article, all in a color called mod floral.

love, kaatie

qualms.

2008-09-30T21:52:00.003-04:00

this emotional business is getting a little bit old for me. i feel stressed and frazzled even though nothing is really going on right now. at least the newspaper deadline was yesterday, so ill be doing nothing in fifth period on thursday. i guess i do have a huge fashion test tomorrow and quizzes in chemistry and algebra 2...damn, thats every class tomorrow. oh well? at least i get to sleep in, i suppose. layout night was boring beyond belief because that one kid that im absolutely head over heels for [i really should come up with a code name for him... :D] had to work, so he didnt go. so i was the sophomore slave, running around and helping other people do their work and such. in the end, it made for an satisfying couple hours because it felt like working for a real publication. kindof like interning, since im a staffer. i ate about twelve brownies, which didnt help me feel any less bloated but were chocolately and delicious. add me on purevolume, because i set up my profile while i was there. its CATASTROPHIK_KAATIE. i cant wait to see how many of you silly geese set up accounts because i have one. because im a trendsetter like that.

hmm, what else. im about to get the most epic haircut/dyejob EVER. its going to be totally amazing, significantly less tame, and quite a bit more edgy than anything ive ever had before. i feel like i need a change like that, something that matches my personality. because brown with red tint, caramel highlights, side swept bangs, and long layers are a little too boring for my taste right now. i need intense change. and that change will be taking place either on saturday night or sunday. so check out my new profile pic at that time. im pumped. i watched the new episode of the hills a little while ago, because i am completely addicted to that show. brody is being amazing, like always. im in love with him, even if LC isnt. im about to get games for my TI 84 graphic calculator, so while im sitting there in smart kid math feeling dumb, i can play intense games of tetris.

love, kaatie

epic discovery.

2008-09-29T20:52:00.002-04:00

well, yesterday was probably the best day of my life, NOT even kidding. wanna know why? well ill tell ya! yesterday, i discovered that there is actually a word for that certain type of person i hate. im sure ive mentioned it to you before...the kind of person that pretends to be into the music/fashion/art industry because they think it makes them look cultured, pretends to have opinions on politics/issues/other things that they really could care less about, pretends to be edgy and cool. i have the er, the pleasure of knowing several of these creatures, titled pseudo-intellectuals. urbandictionary that shit. it made me laugh for like ten minutes straight. probably because i know a person or two who fit the bill perfectly.

i am officially losing my mind. earlier i was sitting at my computer, thinking crazy thoughts about zach and wondering if he still wonders about me like i still wonder about him. i found his page on facebook [i defriended him, if you didnt read that entry like three weeks ago] and my cursor was over the friend request button. and then i thought to myself: WHAT are you DOING!? i seriously dont know what i was thinking. and like on saturday, i was tempted to just like, clear things up with taylor. why, i have know idea. not like i want to be her friend or anything. because really, i have a deep hate in my soul for that girl. hmm...im still ridiculously head over heels for that boy in my newspaper class. tomorrow is layout night, and that means a couple of hours after school during which all the newspaper kids are forced to stay and do nothing! aka, t time, as me and karri decided it should be called. i kinda hope that that goes somewhere soon, because i really really hate all of this nonverbal shit. mm, but hes worth the wait :]

love, kaatie

repeat cycle.

2008-09-27T23:16:00.002-04:00

wow, my last post was probably the worst one yet. last night wasnt really a good night. ive been feeling a little depressed and kinda lonely lately. last night was just super bad. i havent really talked to ken for a few days, and i dont know what else is wrong with me. its bad though, and i dont like it even a little bit. it feels like this is always going to go on, even though i know it wont. because things like this never last. eventually ill be going out with someone and then ill feel loved and warm and safe. ill be happy, if hes nice to me that day. then it will eventually end and ill come crashing down, probably dangerously hard. repeat cycle. isnt it funny how that affects my mood so much? i dont think so at all.

my computer is running so slow today. its really pissing me off. but anyway- the regional was this afternoon. we shot the same as last weekend, and got fifth. we didnt make it to state, which is ok with me i suppose, but im disappointed. everyone was a little bit, except ash, because she wont the whole freaking tournament. i had the same split as last weekend, which torked me off a little bit. i left so many on the back, it wasnt even funny. but oh well, what can you do? next year were gonna be killer, since we arent losing any varsity golfers and were gonna practice as a team all winter. and i might be quitting softball...more on that later though. hmm. i dont really know what else i can say about today, haha all i really did was golf. i have to write my editorial and my article for tomorrow, which is basically going to suck. and the colored pencil drawing...ugh. a busy sunday. my favorite?

love, kaatie

emotionless.

2008-09-26T21:25:00.002-04:00

today was basically uneventful. i played eighteen at cobblestone, then went to autumn ridge and hit on the range and chipped for a long time. it was kinda relaxing, and i think ill do fine tomorrow. even though cobblestone is kinda narrow, i think im going to do fine. i didnt get to talk to anyone really today, so i dont really have that much to post about.

i feel quite apathetic tonight. i dont know why. things with steven have me so confused...last night was probably one of my worst in a while. i really really like that one kid.

love, kaatie

dont worry about me, im just here.

2008-09-26T02:14:00.003-04:00

ok so, heres the dish. i dont want to get off the computer because im emotional as hell. i just watched all of season 4 of the hills thus far, and i really got into it. like, i wanted to cry for LC like every five minutes. shes so strong. i dont care if its real or not. her character goes through so much, and since im constantly up in the air with all of my friends i know kinda what shes feeling. its hard to trust anyone when things are like that. and in fact, i dont really trust anyone. i feel like theres people that i talk to, but they'll probably just come and go in waves like people always do. its just stupid, and i dont like it. i wish that i had a solid crew that i ran around with and always chilled with, but thats not what ive set myself up for. i want to start over, and have a new group of friends that fits who i really am. i think that ive changed a lot since...well i dont really know when this changing took place but it did. and i cant deny it. what it comes down it is pathetic: im so lonely because i really dont have good friends right now.

so lonely, in fact, that i called the one person i knew would always love me no matter what: steven. i want to talk to him so badly right now, which is waay confusing, since ive been looking at someones facebook pictures for like an hour. im such a creeper, but im obsessed, alright? i need some interaction, but ken is like, grounded or something, stevens phone is off...and i dont even know who of the girls i would call. so goofy. im parched, but i dont want to move. and im getting a little sleepy, which means ill fall right to sleep and then wake up in what feels like five minutes and itll be time to go golfing. thats what i need right now: nothing bad for me. just a little bit of peace and a lot of sleep. i just wish i knew what was bad and what was good for me, so i could be sure to avoid the things that make me feel this way.

love, kaatie

i need help.

2008-09-24T21:49:00.003-04:00

so someone needs to help me understand this concept of this...of open relationships. because i think im going to find myself in one pretty soon. i think that its totally okay, dont get me wrong. ken is amazing, and i think im in love with him, or at least i could love him if he lived close enough that we could be together easily. i really really wish that i could be with him. and i would do just about anything to just be near to him. i havent given up on him and i never will. i dont think that i could. but obviously, chicago is way far away...and theres someone i see everyday that i really can see myself with, and really like. so what am i to do? my my my. if you have advice, lemme know. please.

today was chill. i interviewed an extremely hot kid named jake thats a musician as well as a senior. and he gave me his cell number at the end of the interview, in case i had any more questions. hmm...yeah, only about a thousand. first of which is: will you marry me? not really, but man. and this stoner kid in my drawing class, chris meyers thinks that im hot, i guess. or at least thats what he told bri. hes not too bad himself...he has really cool hair. dreadlocks. i dont know what it is about lately, but i just have a few too many boys hanging around. i just dont know what to do with them all. and its all at once, too. theres that unnamable person and ken. and steven. its a little too much for me right now. but it makes school super interesting, and im not gonna say that i dont enjoy the attention. things are going well right now.

then theres golf. we had another team dinner, which was basically us just cracking up for about three hours straight. we were looking through a yearbook and whatnot, and it was intensely amazing. i really do love them. except maybe goblah. but yknow. the regional is on saturday, and im nervous. but i dont know. hopefully things will go good and well go on to state. that would be amazing! so im going to play tomorrow with dad and velpel and her dad, and its about to be hilarious.

so im going to bed, because its an early morning tomorrow. ugh. like usual.
love, kaatie

the unanswerable question of femininity.

2008-09-24T18:14:00.003-04:00

it is at times like these that i ask myself a question that can not be answered with a statement or even a soliloquy. the question is: WHY the fuck do you put yourself in these situations? readers, fans, friends, stalkers and ex flames might be having the same thought: here we go again. but honestly, i would like someone to help me out! i dont like my little emotional roller coaster. i actually absolutely hate it. all of this crushing and liking people and then not liking them and being mad or creeped out...its stupid and it needs to not happen anymore. i think that im lonely and am the kind of person that likes the security and challenge of being in a relationship, but its kinda obvious that im not the the point where i can hold one down for a respectable amount of time. either im too mature [not likely] or im a very subtle type of immature that results in me just acting way to cool to be a teenager without any idea of how to be in a relationship or function in the real world [very likely]. im too picky, also. that might be part of my problem. the other part of my problem is that I AM QUITE OBSESSED WITH THIS NEW CRUSH thats in my fifth period. i can see us together and so can sarah. but that never works, and the friendship is left in shambles. what am i to do? it kinda seems to me like our 'relationship' [my crush and my relationship, that is] is headed out of friendville very quickly based on the amount of random conversations that he initiates [good sign! :D]. im not sure if im ready for that.

ah. ok. now that thats out there. today was pretty boring. i texted all day and did basically nothing, except in fashion ms mulligan talked about the advanced fashion course at carroll and it basically sounds like the most exciting thing ive ever heard of in my entire life. so im pumped for that. in homeroom i audited a religious debate between a questioning christian, a reform jew, an agnostic, and a hardcore lutheran. needless to say, homeroom is about to be the best 30 minutes of the week. i practiced really well at golf...i was hitting my irons so well and super straight. and my putting is very much improved. my goal for this weekend [the regional tournament!] is to shoot an 87 or lower. thats a 46 41 split, and thats very achievable. im so excited, and nervous at the same time. i hope that this goes well and we make it to state. i really really do.

im about to go work on my colored pencil drawing that im absolutely sick to death of, but ill probably come back and vent again. jeez. i cant believe that i get sucked into this all the time. maybe ill become a cat lady...except i hate cats.
love, kaatie

what sarah said.

2008-09-21T22:21:00.002-04:00

well today was interesting on a couple levels. for one, i decided that i had to tell people about my crush on that one guy in that one class that is my favorite between chemistry and fashion. i told karri, who thought it was super cute, and sarah, who said that it wasnt out of reach at all. that part made my day, possibly my week. i decided that i was actually going to go for it, even though he seems so out of reach. sarah's known him for a while and if she thinks so...well i dont know. sarah is wise in many subjects. and i told caylin, who was just like, ok. i told steven, because hes my bestie and all. and he like, flipped out! hes telling me right now how he would do anything to get me back and how hes changed and how it would be a lot better than the last time that we dated, which i dont even believe a little bit. i mean, sometimes its like i have some feelings for him, but i really dont think so. i just think its the way i can tell him anything that makes me want to subconciously like him. but i conciously like that one guy. my god, it makes my heart beat fast when he comes over and talks to me. and i can totally see myself with someone like him. also today, i found out that ethan thinks that me and steven are together, which i find somewhat hilarious. but mission accomplished.

love, kaatie

regional bound!

2008-09-21T11:33:00.002-04:00

Blogs of note. I was reading the one from september 12th, and i saw that each post about random nothing in a random 27 year old girls life, and that each one had about a hundred comments on every post. and i had a wierd jealous response. it was crazy: i was like, kinda angry that people care about her life and im just here in indiana struggling to keep my individuality and sanity day after day. and she has like eight hundred followers. while i have 2. and then i thought something interesting. a week ago, she was nobody, just like me. so maybe theres hope, even though my blog features the excitement of indiana. well, yeah. you know...im not that special.

but why am i talking about my emotional responses to people that have things that i want when i have amazing new to tell?! THE LADY CHARGERS GOLF TEAM QUALIFIED FOR REGIONALS! yes. its been so long since we've done that that the school doesnt even have a record of it. we shot 355...i shot a 91. my game was definately on yesterday, and i made some stupid mistakes that could have taken off even more strokes. a 91 is good for me, and im pleased, no lie. but i mean, it was the difference between us getting second and beating leo when i took a 7 on a par 3. frustrating. i did totally drain a 20 footer on the last green with a whole crowd of people watching, and that was quite a rush. my goodness, im so excited. and then we tped the coaches to celebrate. oh, how i do love the golf team. OH and our score would have beat homestead, who won their sectional with a 368. and guess who shot a 91 also! taylor, their number one player. god, that was pretty great. i tied her even though i left like 7 strokes on the course. it was a good day.

me and steph went to coffee cafe to see taylor [fredricks] play some guitar. we had an adventure on the way there, and ended up on [DONT LAUGH] pontiac street. for those of you that dont know, like ninty percent of fort wayne shootings occur on pontiac street. it was SO scary. but we got there eventually and taylor was sexylicious and sounded amazing. :D

later. i have homework and then golf!
love, kaatie

my mind works in interesting ways.

2008-09-19T22:44:00.003-04:00

well, carroll LOST its HOMECOMING GAME for the SECOND year in a ROW. wow. i just wanted to point out why thats so embarassing. i wish i went somewhere else. i dont know where exactly, but carrolls pretty lame. my dad mentioned something about moving to maryland the other day. and that sounds pretty amazing right now, no lie. a fresh start would be nice. i just have way too much going on right now to deal with to be content. i feel a little antsy and very nostalgic. its kinda lame, how little things make me feel insanely sad, or how big things [well, big things that happen to other people] have no effect on me whatsoever. its like, no one cares about my problems, so i have to focus on not like, freaking out all the time, and that means i cant focus on being other peoples therapist all the time like i used to. and then they all get super pissy and so on and so forth, blah blah blah, it creates drama. i dont know. im just not a compassionate person right now. i wont detail because i dont really want to think about some things that were said to me tonight at the game. i really dont want to get back on and read what im thinking right now. i just want it to be buried, like so many other painful things. that reminds me of an amy tan quote.

music is keeping me going right now. and newspaper class, which if i wasnt so busy, i would allow to consume my life. unfortunately for me, i have a HUGE crush on someone in that class that i havent mentioned on this. its unfortunate because im currently on my single quest right now. and because i have absolutely NO shot in the world, probably because hes super smart and funny and cute [smokin!] and talented anddd...my god. now hes someone i would date in a heartbeat. im not sure i want to tell anyone about this, like out loud in a confessional sort of way. because that would make it too real for me. hopefully this is going to pass. and soon. but ohhh god. i kinda cant stop thinking about it...and how he initiated conversation twice today. and yesterday. and the day before that. who even knows. my mind works in strange ways.

golf sectionals are tomorrow and i really dont know how i feel about that.
love, kaatie

confusion.

2008-09-18T22:00:00.002-04:00

im going to go to bed early tonight, because im going to ride the bus to school in the morning. which sucks, and i hate, but i have things to do tomorrow. i have to clean my locker, and then theres the pep session before school. and i kinda wanna spend some time with steven. and im not exactly sure why. this whole thing with him is confusing to me, but i kinda do like it. im struggling, internally. i think i might just be able to ward off any urges to be anything more than FWB with him for like a week. aka pretend boyfriend for a while, and then move on to my singleness. who needs boys anyway?

homecoming is tomorrow and im decking out in the charger blue and white. whooo....? im so effing glad that those sashes are done. i was like, freaking out. but now its out of my hands, and thats a HUGE relief. its a little pathetic, but im skipping powderpuff to practice at autumn ridge before the football game. sectionals are on satuday and im nervous as HELL. we have a shot at the regional as a team and i dont want to blow it for the team. but who knows, i guess. today i was kinda nostalgic, and i dont know why. and ive been really pissy for the past few days. i think im just a little [LOT] stressed. i hope thats about to end..not likely.

bedtime!
love, kaatie

three things were finished today.

2008-09-17T22:37:00.003-04:00

im alot less stressed today because of my accomplishments of the day.

ok, well i finally finished the sashes AND took my reference photos for art class...i knocked out two major looming tasks in one day. yay for me. i dont know about the sashes though. i hope on one hates them...or hates me for making them. i think that they look cool, but that might just be me. who knows...i guess if im going to be a famous fashion designer, ill have to gather some confidence. but i shall do that by wearing my own creations...making the sashes for the homecoming king and queen probably was not the smartest jumping off point in my design career. but everyone has to start somewhere, right?

i admire coco chanel very much, if the lifetime movie is actually being straight up about her life. she was so strong, so confident...it takes alot to go against the social norms to do what you really want to do. i think she just earned herself a place among my favorite women in history, besides audrey hepburn and marilyn monroe and louise nevelson. i give her credit for my new favorite quote, and we all know how i feel about quotes. well, maybe you dont. i love them, absolutely. more can be said in a quote, or a line in a song than prose can ever say. for me, music is about fifty percent about what the band sounds like, but then fourty nine percent what they actually say in their songs. and about one percent what they look like, because you cant go around supporting a band of really ugly guys. i cant think of a band where all four or five members is disgusting - OH WAIT yes i can. relient k. their singer is especially disgusting.

today was a good day. istep, then i spent a majority of newspaper scouring purevolume for bands to check out. i ended up finding like six and downloaded a hundred new songs after school. then in fashion, more of the coco chanel movie. english was....english, typical boring miss ocock being annoying. there wasnt even any innuendos to laugh at today. golf was boring too...then i came home and sewed. that was basically my day.

things with ethan are OVER and me and steven are in love! ahahahaha :D
love, kaatie

"To be irreplacable, one must always be different."
-Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel

for my friends and ememies.

2008-09-16T22:28:00.003-04:00

humm...i wasnt in the mood yesterday. so i posted nothing. i still dont think im in the mood, but ill bust something out. i feel a sense of duty to my fans. haha, fans...yeah right. friends and enemies, more like.

istep testing started today at school, and therefore i did absolutely nothing. well, thats kindof a lie. i took four tests this morning, then went to newspaper and did my first podcast with karri, then went to fashion and watched an amazing movie about coco chanel, and then went to english and passed notes with jacob and megan about the poetic orgasm in some futuristic ecology mumbo jumbo. i have no idea what ocock was talking about because i was paying basically no attention. as usual. its a little dissapointing that my favorite subject is so boring...well, the learning part is boring. that class is kinda halarious. megan and jacob keep things lively. and velpel is in that class. so its all good. lets see...then i had a quite awkward conversation with ethan after school which basically consisted of him trying to understand golf team insiders. then practice...we did pushups because we all suck at putting. which made us angry. then we cracked up for like 3 hours straight at ash's house for the team dinner. it was kinda intense. were gonna tp the coaches this saturday, and all wear different shirts for the match on thursday. itll be pretty funny. the rest of my week is gonna be great: tomorrow, nothing but tests. thursday, match against snider and more istep. friday, the charger comes out and the homecoming game, saturday, sectionals, coffee cafe with steph and karri, then the team sleepover/tping the coaches. and hopefully partying because were going to regionals. ahhh, im so excited. i decorated my homecoming t and its super cute.

the highlight of my day was talking to ken, not gonna lie :] thats about all i got for ya. and whoever the anynomous comment was from: yes, check my facebook. or comment again if you cant.
love, kaatie

good weekend, considering the epic battles of friday.

2008-09-14T22:10:00.002-04:00

today was long, and lazy. i labored at my sewing machine ALL day, not even kidding, to make the homecoming sashes. and in reality, only finished one. but i guess all i have to do for the other is handstitch the letters AND the trim...tie the bow....my god. this is a hell of a project. i better get at least a little bit of compensation. maybe a picture in the yearbook? actually, if they said my name over the PA at homecoming, as the sash designer, i would be pleased. but i will likely get no recognition. which sucks.

i was supposed to shoot my self portraits this weekend, but didnt have any time because of the sashes and conference and my journalism adventure with karri. but when i get everything else out of the way, ill take pictures. and mr kilmer can choose one then. conference, by the way, went alright. i played TERRIBLE on the front nine, but managed to get things under control on the back to shoot a 99. we got fifth. out of eight. oh well, what really matters is the sectional, and thats next weekend. it shall be good, i think. i love zollner.

journalism adventure: while i was polling for my article about things to do in fort wayne, someone told me that there was a really tight coffee shop in georgetown. so me and karri were like, lets go check it out! well, the kid couldnt remember the name, so we just kinda went to a coffee shop in georgetown called Coffee Cafe. and it was like, the tightest place ever. they have the most delish panda frappes, live music all the time, and a really hot kid that works there. it might just have to be my new favorite hangout :]]] and the owner said that she'd advertize! which means that i only have to get one more ad to complete the assignment. whooo. so that was super exciting. i hope this manager for the friday night boys emails me back soon, because i really dont want to write another podcast. and because that would make me feel cool. i guess. ahaha.

things with ethan are starting to just get annoying. i hate drama. and im starting to feel a little stressed, but thats life...istep is this week, which means alot of sitting around and doing nothing. perfect for relaxing.
love, kaatie

hurdles.

2008-09-12T21:45:00.004-04:00

tonight, i feel a little bit inspired. and i have absolutely no idea why. inspired to do what? i dont have any clue about that either. i feel like doing something powerful...maybe thats the feeling. empowered. i can make anything i want happen. anything at all. it might take time, and it might hurt people and myself a little along the way, but thats life, i guess. the road to happiness, and the hurdles along the way. my life is full of tiny, frequent hurdles. they are the occurances that define my days but also shape who i am, and what i can handle.

tomorrow is the conference tournament. i will shoot better than a ninty, because i know that i can. i can feel it. this is going to be big. im working on the sashes for homecoming, and people will see them and hear that i made them and be like, whoa, thats tight. i will design for a living. i will. i can. i want to. it doesnt matter what happens between now and the time that i move out. ken and i will be together. we both know it. the only thing that can stop us is ourselves. i will not give up. these are the things that im going to fight for in my life, because i fully believe that what you dream will be achieved. i will no longer have to pretend that i am happy and that i am satisfied with myself. because i will be.

that said, i shall sleep.
love, kaatie [wish me luck!]

speechless but unaffected, more or less.

2008-09-12T17:54:00.002-04:00

today was by far the most interesting day ive had in a long time. as far as the amount of stories i told to people, it felt like the day that i broke up with zach. but, since im so wonderfully single, i didnt break up with anyone. me and ethan had a...fight? i wouldnt call it a fight, it was more of a......yeah actually it was a fight. its disturbing, kinda, because no guy has ever gotten legitimately mad at me before. i dont exactly know whats up, because i got two different stories from him and sarah. plus, since hes probably going to read this, im not going to exactly recap what went on. all that anyone needs to know was that a) it was a little bit crazy, because NOTHING like this has ever happened to me before, and b) the thing that really got me fired up.[this is the only part that im going to tell] we were having a civilized discussion, but it was progressing towards an angry discussion about me being stalked [!] and he told me that he was just a nosy person. so i was like, well then this is NOT going to work, kinda loudly [i was subconciously aware that a table full of his guy friends were staring at me, and i realized that my wish had been granted. it was just like in a movie.] and then he shot back, rather quickly and just as angrily, "well, that doesnt suprise me!" it was a lot like a slap in the face. and i was speechless. no ones ever said anything to me like that, or called me out on anything, for that matter. it was insane. i still dont even know whats going on with him. we shall see.

class today was pretty good, i suppose. spanish was awkward. algebra 2 was tolerable. drawing was good, as usual. mr kilmer and i talked about my portrait, which im going to shoot this weekend. check my facebook for the pictures. the chem test was hard, and long. newspaper was kinda stressful but still rewarding, at the same time. i have to email around to get permission to podcast Thats What She Said by the Friday Night Boys, which is exciting, because it makes me feel like a real journalist, once again. i have to finish my second article, but thatll be easy. its mostly written already. fashion was boring. english was chill. we didnt have golf, even though our conference tournament is tomorrow at grey goose. ohhh goodness. im nervous, but kinda not. i decided to add two more college options to my short list of possibilities: colombia for a general arts major and a journalism minor, to play golf, and the art institute of new york. just some more things to consider. i was watching the new this morning while eating an orange cranberry bagel and they were talking about sarah palin and her interview with charles gibson. and she bombed. honestly, i dont like her. her story is cool and everything, and shes a normal mom. but that isnt enough for me. the way she didnt understand the bush doctorine, and the way she contradicted herself...it wasnt working for me. just because im a woman doesnt mean that shed have my vote, if i could vote. obama '08.

love, kaatie

tolerable, if not pleasant.

2008-09-11T22:41:00.002-04:00

its a little late, so this is going to be a shortie. today was pretty tight, actually, even though it was kinda stressful. there were more spiders in my bathroom, so i promptly moved upstairs again. if there are spiders involved, ill happily accept defeat. those things are absolutely terrifying. i was pretty stressed because i had homework to be turned in that wasnt finished, because i had to talk to mulligan about the jank sewing machine, and conduct three interviews during lunch...all of that had to be accomplished during fifth period newspaper. but i got it done! which excites me, actually. i was calmer after that. my article is going great, and my podcast is all written, so i just have to record it. which reminds me...im going to put up a link to the website for our school paper. check me out, alright? or at least, listen to my podcasts :] spanish was boring as usual, and clendenen didnt count me late even though i walked in like five minutes after the bell. it was great. then in drawing....mr kilmer actually talked me into drawing a self portrait instead of one of erica. because colleges prefer to see self portraits in their applicants portfolios...which sucks, but hey- i need one such portfolio. so this weekend, ill be taking scene portraits of myself. in english, we had a little socratic seminar with speaking chips. that was kinda ridiculous, because we were only allowed to contribute five points to the discussion. but it was also good, because i didnt feel like an idiot for talking more than everyone else.

i wish i was older.
love, kaatie

it might hurt a little.

2008-09-10T23:01:00.002-04:00

basically, today was frustrating. i didnt have a very good morning for two reasons [one of them, i wont post for the world to read] but the other one was kinda funny, in retrospect. but also quite traumatizing. you see, im absolutely terrified of spiders. and my bathroom happens to be in an area of the basement where the spiders like to live, despite my dads regular sprays with spider killer. its gross...they arent normal ones, like little daddy long legs or whatever. these spiders are the real deal. the biggest one ive seen had a body about the size of a quarter, and the smallest, which picked this morning to attack had a body about the size of a dime. i was straightening my hair, and i saw it crawling along the wall out of the corner of my eye. and i flipped out, screeched, pressed myself against the opposite wall...i didnt have my contacts in yet so i didnt see exactly where it went. which was a mistake, because when i crept back to see where it went, i couldnt find it. but i knew that it had been creeping back towards my navy h&m cardi that i was planning to wear. .......i was freaking. so i picked it up by the tag and started shaking it, but nothing fell out. i wasnt convinced. i took it up to my mom, who was still in bed at that point, and told her to check it out. shes considerably less claustrophobic than i am, so she did. i was eating breakfast and she came out of her room, laughing. apparently, the spider was in there...hiding on the inside of a sleeve. isnt that disgusting?

school was pretty boring. algebra 2 was dull, as math class always is. the quiz took me almost the entire period, and i felt retarded. then homeroom...which was fun because i got to just sit and talk to orin. i missed him this summer. then in chem we did a lab and reviewed for the test. in fashion, everyone dressed up like the decade that they were supposed to present. my group had the 90s, and my salmon pink t and mom jeans with a thick black belt actually looked really good. i was pleased, considering i didnt try any of it on, and i forgot until this morning on the way out of the house. golf was golf, of couse. then i got home, and i was going to work on the homecoming sashes, because homecoming is like, next friday. but my effing sewing machine is so jank that the internet does not hold the secret of getting the bobbin to work. i was about to throw it at someone, but then i thought...that might hurt a little bit. so i refrained. i think that after this project is done, ill take up sewing as a regular thing. i know at least pratt requires sewing in your admission portfolio...FIT and FIDM probably do too. plus, if i sew stuff, itll be unique and also cheaper. sounds like a good time, to me at least. newspaper class tomorrow, and im interviewing. first period wont go fast enough, especially because third fifth and seventh are all going to be enjoyable tomorrow. stupid spanish.

i guess i should go to bed, and dream about my 11:11 wish that should most certainly come true. because he promised.
love, kaatie

journalist extrodinaire, and the balancing act.

2008-09-09T19:50:00.002-04:00

humm, what to do, what to do...i have rather complicated algebra assignment looming over my head, as well as that damned colored pencil drawing thats quite uncomplete. i could also be writing my podcast or roughdraft or interview questions for newspaper. i could be studying for chemistry. but, of course, instead, im camped out in front of my computer. and, per usual, i wandered from facebook to blogger in search of something to occupy my time. i dont know why i feel so frazzled today. it might be because im pmsing. but maybe not. who knows, these days? maybe its because i have so much to do, and no motivation to do it. or because im completely antsy because of certain issues pertaining to my love life. in either case, theres no outward cause this...mood. i think i want to go and get a cookies and creme milkshake, but i neither need the calories nor want another distraction. justin came over [since he lives at ipfw now] and chilled for a little while, but then he left. my mom is working the concession stand at the volleyball game against northrop. i guess id rather be there, cheering for caylin...because she started today. thats good. i hope shes playing well. now is not a good time for me to be home alone, i dont think. i feel precariously placed, between about twelve different things. if i dont explode from the tension, im going to fall. i really hate not being able to text, because it feels like i havent talked to ken if for-freaking-ever. speaking of ken....maybe this is the aftermath of our conversation last night. i swear, i layed in bed last night for longer than i think is healthy, thinking about a boy whos far away and likely out of reach. i know how things go. its easy to promise. but waiting...well, i think everyone knows what waiting is like. and i know better than most that people get tired of waiting. ...im not sure why it doesnt bother me. my overactive imagination, probably.

journalism is something thats easy for me to be passionate about. ive always love to write, but its different than writing for me. i like to write because its all telling lies. and saying what i want to say without anyone knowing that its how i really feel. its safe, its anyonomous. but in newspaper, youre telling everyone what you think. its completely amazing to me how i can sit and think of an angle to take, and then talk to maybe fifty kids at lunch, and find exactly the information that i need. i get so stoked when i find someone who can tell me what i need to know. the thrill of the chase, the excitement i get when i see my words, my thoughts in two thousand copies to go to two thousand people...it fires me up.

love, kaatie

my timing is a little off.

2008-09-08T21:56:00.003-04:00

today some good things happened: ethan seemed to be a little more chill, which was good, and it actually helped me calm down a little about that situation. i went to c lunch and talked to him and some of his friends. it was a good time. i found out that i did not, in fact, fail the chemistry quiz...in fact, i got a c. thats a ton better than i expected, so therefore i am pleased with that, even though its still low. you can recover from a c. but usually not for a complete f. so there is hope in chemistry. things werent so good for steph, though. she actually did fail it. poor her. i got about a hundred new songs, of alot of really good bands. and then the last thing...i was plesantly suprised when i logged into blogger today with the new reading list, and how you can see who follows your blog. and i have one! yayy! it makes me feel kindof special.

i feel like im always up and down with my feelings these days, so i think im going to stop focusing on them in these posts. they sorta get me in trouble anyway. i was thinking today about how i really want to say something to someone someday that sounds like its from a movie. you know...like its so good and so right, and right at the exact right time; its just like WHAM. i think of these things after the fact, mostly. so someday, im gonna nail it. and its gonna be great. anyway. i cant get my mind off of a certain someone.. and i dont mind at all. in fact, its kinda keeping me going for the time being. just knowing that there IS someone out there...nevermind. its making me daydream. steven wants me to go to the leo football game with him on friday, and im not sure if thats such a good idea. especially in light of past events. but i do miss hanging out with him, like when we were best friends. hmm, never thought i would. but whatever. i dont even know what im thinking most of the time. it keeps things interesting, for sure.

its raining, and that makes me happy. i like fallling asleep to the sound of rain. and these days, it reminds me of ken. like....just about everything, actuallly.
love, kaatie

lazy day.

2008-09-07T22:19:00.002-04:00

somehow, i managed to avoid getting in trouble after quite a bit of yelling. im not even sure how i managed to accomplish that one. but i did, and thats all that matters. i went to mcmillen with jackie, and we skated and whatnot, had a good time...i dont know. today was generally boring, the highlight being hearing ken's voice for the first time in a week. it definately made me think about last weekend, and i realized that theres no way im going to keep him out of my head. so i guess im going to have to figure this one out. its plausible, no doubt. its just going to be...challenging. besides getting screamed at by my mother, the worst part of today was finding out that im completely out of texts for this month. which sucks, let me tell you. i think im going to die. until wednesday. thats when it resets itself. but until then...im somewhat incommunicado.

today was just kinda chill. i didnt do much, besides church and skate and homework. well, some homework. i didnt actually get around to doing some of it. and i did some laundry. i had a lot of time to think about stuff, which is never good but happens alot. i didnt talk to ethan all weekend, which was a little wierd. i really have no idea what its gonna be like with him tomorrow at school, but i guess we'll see. im pretty sure hes still reading this. which im not sure how i feel about, but whatever i guess. its his call. i have a fancy new disclaimer, which i posted in all sincerity. it breaks my heart to tell people not to read my beloved blog, because i want about everyone to read it, but when i get confronted about things that i say on here...that is where i draw the line. but fans, by all means, read and tell others to do the same. AND COMMENT!

love, kaatie

untitled 0654.

2008-09-07T02:16:00.000-04:00

stare at the
the same sky, you and I saw
that night, wish we could be
together
now, a thousand miles
cant keep you out of my head

wanting so
badly to be with you
tonight, I wont deny
that it almost hurts
not to see your face
I need your voice so
I’ll replay that day again

telling a
different lie to myself
for why I cant breathe
I know its you
its so hard to sleep, here alone
tonight ill dream that im with you instead

and

ethan's statuses always confuse me.

love, kaatie

having a boyfriend is rather pointless.

2008-09-06T22:25:00.004-04:00

today was good, overall. actually, it was really good. we had a pony club carwash which was about the most unponyclub approved thing ever. we were washing cars in the tsc parking lot belong to [whoda thunk?] all guys. it was pretty great. me madison and erica basically just had a good time standing by the road, running across coliseum, and spraying the cars. and then there was the excitement when the power was out and we couldnt get any water. so what did we do? we shopped up tsc in the dark and put on some penguin suits and put erica in a cage and smacked eachother with paddles. we also told stories that could probably get us disowned by the pony club. but oh well. good times. and then after i helped coach a softball tryout, and had to comfort a crying girl that sucked, i went to a movie with erica. which was good. and suuper funny. like old times, i suppose, making mischif and such. and getting isocks from the gas station, talking to steven, and getting ten cheesytots instead of nine. and then getting locked out. we found some tracts in a box [which idk what they are] but one of them was like DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT and we thought that was pretty funny because of the whole steven guilting me into doing stuff. so i posed for a photo. i laughed alot tonight, which made me feel better.

because i definately had a like five minute period where that old depression, that low feeling snuck in. it feels like nothing in your life [love life, that is] is ever going to work out because of the person you are, and even though youre trying hard to make it better, its not working, only making things more complicated and horrible and so on and so forth. after seeing a romantic comedy, i kinda wished that i could date someone in my entire life that was sweet and sensitive and cute...like, the whole package. i dont really know of anyone that i would consider the whole package. most of the guys i know have like, one aspect, or two at most. i didnt think that i would ever come to this point, but im about to put my foot down. maybe i just shouldnt date anymore in highschool, or at least take a VERY long break. like, 6 months to a year, to just let me work things over and figure stuff out. find myself. realize that i dont need the first guy that comes along. because really, i dont. im loving being single right now. i feel rather free. like i can do anything i want. well, not really that. but i love that im not burdened by worry and thoughts that im supposed to be having about a boy. i can actually sleep at night because im not thinking about anyone. boyfriends used to make me feel secure, but lately im thinkin that theyre a pain in the ass. i just had a thought! im not going to have another boyfriend until that magic day when i turn sixteen and im legally allowed to date, according to my parents. well. maybe thats going a little too far. but im going to wait a while at least, and enjoy my sweet freedom.

love, kaatie

i shall be drawing a hipster.

2008-09-05T23:12:00.003-04:00

good news! i thought of a portrait to shoot and draw for drawing class. im like, so pumped for this. its going to be this hipster, thats really pretty and everything, standing at her bathroom counter getting ready. she has a ton of makeup on and scene hair and everything, and shes just standing there judging herself, and she isnt pleased with whats in the mirror. basically, the portrait expresses her insecurity and the way she sees herself negatively, where the rest of the world is seeing something different. i wonder if kilmer would let me draw a different, uglier face as the reflection, and have the actual girls face be about flawless. ill have to ask him about that. i have the angles and lighting and everything planned out in my head..its going to be freaking sweet even though its going to be a graphite drawing. but i figure if i get the tightest reference photo ever, ill be inspired to work extra hard on it. and graphite is like a million times easier than colored pencil, so itll be a nice change, even if i am cheating and using mostly graphite on my colored pencil drawing, to make an easier grey. so things should turn out good. especially since i actually did find a good subject - erica!

basically, nothing else exciting happened today. so i guess this is just an art update.
love, kaatie

thursday.

2008-09-04T22:12:00.002-04:00

i did it. i defriended zach and his little homestead crew on facebook and blocked him on aim. so there shall be no more reminders in my minifeed or on my buddylist. im so proud of myself, because although its easy to click buttons on the computer, its hard to tell myself that this really is the end. which it is. im certain.

today was sorta boring, but also sorta...invigorating? that isnt the word for it. i was definately antsy all day, but not because things with ethan were awkward. they were just the opposite, actually. it felt like about a thousand pounds was lifted off my chest all at once. like i didnt have to hold anything else in, because he'd already read it all. that felt really good, actually. it just felt like he was a little bit confrontational about it. which is totally understandable. considering what he ready, im really suprised that he wasnt like, seething. but thats guys for you. i dont think ive ever been able to acomplish making a boy mad at me for more than like, five minutes at a time. i guess i dont have the kind of skill. whatever works, though. all he needs to do now is figure out that the more he tries to press and the faster he tries to go, the longer im going to want to wait. and im especially not feeling the whole 'right now' thing. im loving being single. i feel quite..free. i could really get used to it. ashley sat with us at lunch today, and i enjoyed that. im glad things are getting better between us.

the first issue of the charger comes out tomorrow, and im ridiculously excited. i dont quite know why, but something about journalism just fascinates me. being on newspaper is so exciting and i have so much fun. like today was amazingly exciting, even though we did absolutely nothing except sit and then go and chill in c lunch. i think that i might possibly want to intern at a magazine either before or after art school [or during, like LC] to get a taste of what thats like. i doubt itll be anything like a school paper, but still. we have good times in the a&e section. its my best class of the day, by far. well, actually...drawing is tied for first, but thats a given. ive been trying to think about my portrait, and ive mostly been drawing blanks. its highly unlikely that ill do the subject that i was considering doing, because it would be a little awkward and it wouldnt be expressive enough. or at least, i dont think it would be. but people surprise me every day. and a sidenote, while im on suprises...the end of breaking dawn was suprisingly suckish. like, i was so dissapointed because she just left me hanging on so many things. but she has plenty of room to keep going with her story. soo, theres hope.

im super excited about the strong possibility that september 27 will be the best day of my entire life. like, you dont even know. and im not going to tell you until i know for sure, or at least have some idea of whether or not its a yes or a no. but if its a yes...oh my goodness. i will be so happy.
love, kaatie

awareness raised.

2008-09-03T21:48:00.003-04:00

wow, my parents make me very angry. it seems like their new favorite hobby is checking my grades online, and yelling at me about assignments that arent like, a hundred percent. its annoying. the particular test in question was a c. and i took it today, so i didnt even know what i got, or what i missed. in fact, it was news to me that i did bad on it, because i was actually feeling pretty good about that chapter. damn, i guess im just too dumb. i bombed a chem quiz. like majorly, terribly, indisputably. ill be very suprised if i even got a fifty percent on it. and im sure that my parents arent going to be happy about that. i expect that ill be grounded for quiteee a while. whoo.

so its been brought to my attention that people are like, reading this. people besides the ones that i already knew. like, specifically, people that i talk about all the time. which is a little [well, a lot, actually] creepy. i had no clue, and i also thought that it was semi private. so ive been quite open with what i post. and let me tell you: that is NOT going to change. i thought about it, and considered changing the url or whatever so it would be a little more private, but i dont care enough to do that. im posting this stuff online, right? so i guess it only makes sense that people are reading it, finding it, etc. at least people know what im thinking. im not going to censor, and im not going to keep that sorta thing into consideration when i write. for instance: i thought of something REALLY funny today: i could dwell on the past, sure. but things could be a lot worse...i could have a widow's peak. that would be ultimate. theyre about the ugliest things around. and i know someone who's currently sporting a big one. i feel really bad for her. that was easy, and a little liberating.

"he crashed into my life so fast that at first i didnt know how to react. Should i be sad that he would come and go so quickly? Or happy that i had the chance to know someone like him? I chose to be hopeful, because we both know that no matter what, that sunset, that goodbye...it wouldnt be the last."

that sums me up, at this moment. it happens to be my favorite quote right now. i really feel like working on that novel i started about three months ago..i feel quite inspired. i love it when new characters walk right up and introduce themselves..since it seems to be loosly autobiographical. but thats a secret...if anyone asks, its complete fiction. but for now...i need sleep.
love, kaatie

stress point.

2008-09-02T22:49:00.003-04:00

i guess things never are the way you want them to be, no matter how hard you wish for them to be right or what way you spin it. i guess, in complete actuality, you really cant ever win. im to the point where i would give just about anything to forget that i ever met zach, and go back to life how it was. i dont remember anything ever hurting this much for so long in my entire life. its making me a little bit crazy, to be honest. i cant do anything, think of anything. everything reminds me of him. and now, its not that im mad at him or whatever, or shocked that it happened. im past that part, i think. i just really want it to not have happened at all. i really want to know what hes saying to taylor and hilary and what hes thinking, since he hasnt really told me anything. but thats like beating my head against a brick wall. i guess i just need to accept that, and move on. but its just so hard! like i want to forget him. i want to be past it. to look back and laugh. but obviously, remembering isnt forgetting. will he ever be completely in the past? its hard to say, but im doing my damndest to put him there as quickly as my...i dont know what - pride, my bleeding heart? my reasoning? anyway - will allow. all of this has created a stress point: bend it too far, and im going to snap.

it seems as though my days have turned into a whirl of emotion and pain and confusion. among the things that make it worse: ethan, and the need he feels for a serious, very committed relationship, and the way hes about to guilt me into it by being so freaking nice and sweet and caring all the time. ken, being so perfect but so far away, who crashed into my life i think to distract me from the way i feel. believe me, if i could walk to him in chicago, i would. forrr sure. ashley, and how i thought that maybe she would have said something by now, because it seemed like things might have been coming around with janna. golf, and how i suck at it when im stressed out, which is all the time these days. i picked today to cry my eyes out, instead of the day that something actually happened or that some certain people said stuff to me. maybe because its all finally feeling real. god. im remembering again. i need to like, do something to get my mind off of this. like sleep for about a month and wake up free and able to drive and do whatever i want. free to get away from this place and the baggage that seems to be tied up here.

cheer me up.
love, kaatie

experiment.

2008-09-02T19:49:00.004-04:00

i want to give something a try.

hello, my name is katherine suzanne phipps. im your everyday average girl. i would rather accept what im told than ask questions and find things out for my self. i dont like learning much. im not very smart, but i try hard in all of my classes because i really want to go into medicine when i get out of school. i go to carroll, by the way, and i love it. my favorite class is math, because i love a good challenge. im a very conservative republican, and i like to do things by the books. i hate taking crazy chances and avoid risks at all costs. im closed minded. it doesnt bother me at all when people copy what i do, because everyone knows that imitation is the highest form of flattery. it would be perfectly alright with me if i grew up, went to college, spent a few years in a career and then had a couple kids and became a stay at home mom. in fact, i want to have three or four kids because i love them! and definately not a redhead, because everyone would make fun of them for being a ginger. that wouldnt be very cool. i want my husband to work a nine to five, white collar job. and he better not have piercing and he better believe exactly what i do. i want to live in the subburbs, in a nice house with a yard and a picket fence. i like clingy people, and im a hopeless romantic. its hard to make me sad, and im the strongest person i know. i cant remember the last time i broke down and cried. when i fall, it takes me only a matter of minutes before i pick myself up again, and keep living my life. im fearless. right now, things arent looking bleak and hopeless for me, theyre looking happy and bright. i got over zachary john hodgson in one day. i do not hate taylor lamphier. things really couldnt be better.

yeah, thats what i thought. its so easy to tell lies.
love, kaatie

chicago is my happy place.

2008-09-01T16:48:00.003-04:00

happy september, happy labor day. i didnt post yesterday because i got home super late. me and caylin were beachin' it up at weko beach in michigan. i guess eleven isnt that late, but i was experiancing a whirl of emotions that i didnt want to spell out in writing. i think that might have messed up the perfection of the feeling, if i tried to analyse it. but no, i just layed in bed and stared at the ceiling and wished that i was in chicago. or laying on the beach, looking at the stars...

...with ken. let me start at the beginning: me and caylin decided that we wanted to kill two birds with one stone...i wanted to meet some guys to celebrate singleness and she wanted to pwn some kids at volleyball. and there happened to be some guys playing at the time. so we went and joined their game, and started chatting them up...well, eventually we got bored of volleyball. and we decided to go run around on the dunes. so we did, and it ended up being a trek through the woods..well me and ken pretty much just talked the whole time. and we really hit it off. the creek we were following opened up to the beach, and we kinda started walking along the shore...exciting. and about 45 minutes later, we wanted to go back into the woods. and as it turned out, luke and caylin had stopped following us, so far away that we couldnt see them. it was pretty funny. so we turned around, kept talking...it was pretty sweet. hes sweet. damn those boys that are just about perfect that live so far away! we watched the sunset over lake michigan, and it was a little bit romantic. things were pretty good, i guess you could say. i miss him already.

i really dont know what else to say. except that i hate this and i hate what im feeling and i hate that i cant just get over him already. i guess its pretty stupid that my heart leapt when i saw that zach facebook messaged me...but of course, it was about taylor. my god. could this be any more painful, zach? could you please just stab me in the throat already?

ill just let my mind wander to its happy place: the dunes at weko beach.
love, kaatie

downward spiral.

2008-08-31T01:13:00.003-04:00

i feel like things are getting a little bit [a lot, actually] out of control. i cant seem to get a grip or even understand whats going on. things are going way to fast for me to comprehend, and i cant make enough sense of the present to stop them. so essentially, im powerless to all of this. of course, if i could just wake up and say no, or at least say something, i might be able to keep my life from slipping entirely from my grasp. everything seemed fine this week, but i think that thats because i had school to distract me from whats going on inside my head. i dont know what i was thinking: everything is about as far from perfect as it could me. things with ethan are approaching freight train speeds. i dont think that anyone understands that. not sarah, even though shes been trying to help me from the beginning. definately not caylin. i dont know whats up with her lately. she always seems a little involved with her stress, and worried about all the wrong things. maybe i should try that...worrying about all the unimportant things. or maybe its the opposite, and im the one that should be thinking about different stuff. either way, she wont listen. i cant talk to ethan. ill explain that in a minute. i think ashley is in such a state that she wouldnt even want to listen. janna...maybe. but not likely. besides, i dont want to extend my drama into their weekend. its supposed to be the best three days of their lives, after all.

ethan is different than any guy that ive ever talked to, much less dated. way different. and to be perfectly honest and clear, i am absolutely scared to death. the way he sees it, you should only go out with people you truely care about, and said relationships should last a long time. kisses should mean something every time, and if it doesnt mean something, you shouldnt be doing it. hes almost ridiculously romantic. and i know, about a week ago, i was praying that i could find someone like that, but man, is this hard to grasp. that someone could actually be more into love and romance than i have always been. or previously was, as im starting to think. i guess its back to the upper hand thing that i talked about a long time ago. yes, if i date him, ill have it. but at the same time, i couldnt bear to be in control because of the sincerity that hes putting into all of this. thats not going out, its getting married. and at this point, at least, im not ready for that kind of commitment. not at all. that might be because one week ago, i was totally and completely shattered, but still. its highschool. this is not the time...if there ever is a time. and i dont see someone like him and someone like me staying together. once again, im dipping below those standards that i set for myself, trying to make it so i wouldnt go out with any more of those guys that only piss me off. hes not as bad as steven, but still. all of this is just freaking me out. i want it all to stop, to just go away. actually, what i want is zach. badly. not going to lie.

speaking of zach and stressing me out, who the hell does this taylor lamphier think she is? she actually messaged me on facebook and tried to play it off like she didnt do anything, and neither did zach. that everything was just peachy. she said sorry about twelve times in a twelve line conversation. it was extremely sketchy and only made me more mad, and all the more curious. obviously, she did something. and honey, if you tell me that you hate to think that someone doesnt like you, i am going to go out of my way to make sure whoever plays with you on tuesday gives you that impression. and the entire carroll team, for that matter. i know they will too [except maybe GoBlah, but no one likes her. everyone else has my back] i hope it effects your golf game, taylor. a fair trade for fucking up my life.

i wish i could sleep without dreaming. but maybe better, now that ive gotten this off my chest.
love, kaatie

TGIF.

2008-08-29T23:07:00.002-04:00

i dont have much to write about, except that school was good again, and the football game was fun. the most exciting thing that happened during the day was forgetting to do my letter to amy tan for english. i got to sit out in the hall with megan the entire class period. and just chill. every once and a while miss ocock would stick her head out the door and be like, hows it going? and we would say something to the effect of, oh, were just working hard! and she would shut the door again. good times. megan is pretty amazing. art class was good, i think im getting the hang of colored pencil. at lunch, me and some other staffers figured out that our crystal lights were like two and a half years expired, so we took them back to the lunch ladies and scored a free one each. i started my article, and its going to be good, i think. youre welcome in advance, band kids. im really talking you up. i pretty much slept through chemistry, until mrs bell called on me. and then, i said the wrong answer to the question she asked, making everyone else chuckle. but hey, it was fourth period. about the time my coffee wears off. afternoon classes...bombed the test in fashion but still somehow have almost an a+. now thats skill. actually, its because of my kickass poster that mulligan absolutely loved. then english.

then golf, dinner, and the game. all whirled by, a little too fast, if you ask me. but no one did. no one ever does, i dont think. except ethan said something that really made me think.

we were texting and stuff, and somehow the conversation got to kissing. and he said he didnt think we were to that point, or something like that. and i was like, ok? so i was confused by that, and i asked him to explain himself. so he did. he said that basically, he didnt just want it to be another kiss. he wanted it to mean someting. which isnt a strange concept, or even a bad one. it was just so crazy to actually have someone tell me that, about two weeks after i decided that guys like that didnt exist. that there was no noah calhouns. no supermans. no one cared like that, it was only in the movies. but ethan...i think he really does care. its too bad i didnt meet him before i gave in to a life of cynicism. but i think i may have met my match: someone to turn me around.

love, kaatie

my streak continues.

2008-08-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

so today was good also. its kinda wierding me out, how well school and golf and friends and other things of that nature are going. especially considering what happened monday. i didnt expect this to be probably the best week of my life. everything just seems to be clicking. things with ethan are good, and the little speed issue has been handled. meaning, we had a little conversation about how waiting is a good idea. rushing into relationships is very bad. VERY bad. look at what happened with steven. [maybe i never told that story. that was preblog, i think. well, what happened was: steven told me that he liked me and one week later guilted me into making out with him/ going out with him. it lasted less than a month but i was miserable the entire time. because he pissed me off and he was a loser and he wasnt my type. among other things. moral of the story = dont date your best guy friend. and dont rush into relationships, also. obviously] at least ethans down with that though. it wouldnt be very helpful if he was one of those guys that liked the security of actually being an established couple. but maybe this will actually be beneficial. it might prevent the effect of dating: that gross coupleyness. who knows? i expect things will work out, either way. school was good again today. in kilmers class, we talked about out next assignment, which is a graphite portrait. suprisingly, im excited about it, even though i hate graphite, and i hate portraits. but i have a subject in mind...yeah. but thats a secret, for now. im still working on the colored pencil, anyway. in newspaper, me and kari ran around and interviewed some freshman. i had a hot showchoir date with sawyer and watched the sq's dance for a while. exciting, right? we laughed the entire time, basically. then we went and talked to some seniors and a junior that mr k told me was a freshman. it was the most fun ive had in a while, basically. now i have to write the article. it shouldnt be too tough, though. because i got the exact kind of interviews i needed. in english, my group totally bombed our presentation. but it was kinda funny, and i dont care anyway. so i wont complain. golf was fun even though we played grey goose, which is the shittiest course in existance. i shot a 46, and had two pars and an eagle. YES, AN EAGLE. ON A PAR 5. it was so exciting. we won. and velpel was just losing it. soo funny. i definately love her, and sarah.

tomorrow is the a chinese dinner date with caylin and stephanie, then the football game. which is super exciting, in my opinion. and thats basically it. im glad that my 50th post was about happy stuff.
love, kaatie

i thought i could kid myself.

2008-08-27T22:05:00.004-04:00

the next one will be my 50th post, which is pretty nifty, in my opinion. ive kept this up for quite a while now, and so many things have changed. like that intro post is only about half true, i think. i dont know. i havent read it in a while. actually, i havent read anything old for a while. but i definately think i should, so i have something to laugh at. maybe i should recap some of those moments that i was previously so angry with zach, to try to relight that fire. because getting over him is definately not going to be as easy as i thought. actually, its going to be very, very hard. i dont know what it is about him, either. hes not that special. he never called me back when he said he would. just generally not that great. he was awkwardly tall, too. its wierd though, because after what he did, i just kinda figured i would hit the ground running, bounce right back, and be happy right away. which is not going to happen. i miss him, despite everything. and what i said a few posts ago, that i was just a little pissed, is a lie. im more than a little pissed. i didnt cry that day. i was trying so hard to just be brave. but now its not on my mind all the time. but remember those little things that all reminded me of him? how they used to make my day? well, all those little things about made me cry today. every single one. i swear to goodness, ive never felt so pathetic, or weak. he cheated, for the love of god. i should still be seething two days later. i should be so pissed. way incredibly angry. but im not. because i know deep down, that i still love him. and i probably always will.

but that doesnt mean that im not trying. i know what i want, so im going to use this to my advantage. i know im shallow, and semi attractive is a minimum. and semi fashionable. but that you can change, i suppose. he must be mature, and sweet. but not disgustingly so. theres always a balance. i also know that i need my space, and if i dont get my space im a very unhappy person. whoever is so lucky to date me next better not make me the center of his universe. that pisses me off like no other. he better do other stuff besides text me all the time. be busy sometimes. and i like kissing. alot. thats kindof important, i think. im pretty chill about who i date, obviously. so, as long as ethan fits the bill, i think i may be all set. except for one thing. i seem to be quite stuck on the past. i never saw a reason not to say i love you. like, its usually no big deal for me, because i tend to throw myself at whoever im with at a particular time. and fast isnt a word that i would have used to describe ethan, say, yesterday. but my god. one hug [which was, to say the least, the best hug ive ever recieved in my life. from anyone. and while it was a nice change to not be a whole foot shorter, i definately missed that adorable awkwardness for a split second before he said it. and i was like, no. that is not ok. because i still think that i love zach. and thats why im so confused.

but i guess itll be better as time passes. maybe.
love, kaatie

it was chill and i loved it.

2008-08-26T21:53:00.003-04:00

yes, called it! today was just as good as yesterday. and oh my god. mulligan asked ME to design the sashes for the homecoming king and queen. i find that amazing and a little intimidating. but seriously, how exciting is it when the fashion teacher asks you, out of the whole school, to actually design the sash for homecoming. super exciting, and totally a big deal. i was like, freaking out. in a good way of course. i also got to attend two lunches because of newspaper and having nothing to do. snuck around school for a while. talked to ethan alot. told the story about how zach never called me back last night alot. got to play in a foursome with sarah for the east noble golf match, and a ginger! but it was a girl one, and an ugly girl at that. so we basically just made fun of her alot and both played incredibly bad. but a good time was had by all. except our number one girl, ashley shot a 52, which has never happened before. it was crazy, let me tell you.

my favorite part of the day was the following:
me: mom, zach still has my golf club.
mom: ok, call him and tell him to bring it back.
me: hell no, i dont want to talk to him. you call him.
mom: ok.

so she did. funniest thing ever.

so. thats about it.
love, kaatie

so thats the end of that.

2008-08-25T22:30:00.003-04:00

zach cheated on me, and i broke up with him. im not really all that upset because he didnt care anyway. im mostly just a little pissed that he lied and that i was right, again. i guess i didnt learn much from that one, except sometimes you just have to do it. and that youll survive, no matter what. oh well. im on to better things. like someone who actually gives a shit. ashley got mad at me, i decided that i didnt really want to drag that out because theres some things about her that have bothered me for a really long time. it sucks though, because now ill probably never get to meet janna. not that she wants to meet me anymore, i dont think, but yknow. we were soul sisters at one point. her letter got returned to me in the mail, because i forgot to put a two cent stamp on it. go figure. i guess it doesnt matter though, because all of the things that i wrote about are completely invalid, like me being excited because i was going to hang out with zach in three days, and because i was coming to tennessee if i could convince my parents. ill rewrite one. one thats relevant.

so i guess thats the end of that.

all of my classes are going great, which is kind of suprising because this is about the point in the year where school usually catches up to me. about the same time that the drama catches up with me, in other words. sra. clendenen's first period is amazing. no question. hands down. favorite period of the day. felix is one of the only things keeping me sane right now. thank god for him. i have an a in algebra 2 honors after a whole chapter, which includes homework that ive done all of, a quiz, and a test. miracle. kilmers drawing class is great, because its art. miss briana amazes me every day. and the girl on my other side gets to listen to us talk about our troublesome relationships. which is awkward, but sorta funny. anyway. chem honors is tolerable because mrs bell is crazy. it makes the period go super fast. METER BOX! ITS SO BIG THAT I COULD HAVE SOME PETS IN HERE! OR FRIENDS! COME JOIN ME IN THE METER BOX! haha. insider. newspaper is amazing and kari is like the best partner ever. we're vip and we like to wander around school making mischif after lunch. in fashion, mulligan said that im going to suceed at fit or pratt, when i go there. which was pretty sweet to hear, because it makes me all the more confident in my future. the school part. not the zach part, because thats definately not going to be happening. which is good, because the more i think about it...its kindof gross to marry your highschool sweetheart and he doesnt really fit the bill of my dream guy. just throwing that out there. then seventh period english. our clique. its allll good. then after school! golf team is so much better than last year, because of our relationship therepy sessions with williams, and standing up for inben [sp??!] and her sunscreen. making fun on favorite and FF and CP and goblah with velpel and alysia and sarah, whom ive come to love dearly. shes amazing. who wouldve guessed? i just wrote out all that good stuff about today...wow.

friday is ethans pond party and the marion football game. and i am beyond excited. im even excited for school tomorrow because i know its gonna be drama free. im just gonna sit back, and enjoy it while it lasts.
love, kaatie

ideal sunday.

2008-08-24T19:03:00.005-04:00

this is not the first post of an online war, if you were wondering. quit reading if you dont want to hear my point of view. if you have no idea what that means, then nevermind.

yes, well. we all do things wrong, i suppose. i accept that i am a human and that i have my moods and go though phases and periods and the like. i know that i can be a little obnoxious and maybe i am kinda arrogant. but i really dont think i did anything wrong this time. i can see how i might have been able to improve the situation to make ashley happy. what can i do now though? its definately after the fact, and after the fact you can change nothing. am i right? yes. i dont even know exactly why she is so veryvery angry, how ive been acting wierd, etc etc. i cannot change the past, or take back what i did or said, nor do i want to make excuses or beat around the bush and draw something out thats unnecessary in the first place. drama drama drama drama drama. that is not my ideal sunday. my ideal sunday involves being content and mulling over saturday night. which was fabulous and confusing, all at the same time. AND FOR THE RECORD: no plans were made and zach did not come over to caylins. ok? ok.

that project for fashion class [which im supposed to be working on right now] is going wonderfully. a good mistake allowed my mom to give me a fabulous idea which should make mine one of the best, if not the coolest poster ive ever created for anything. which is saying something, because both times i did llama club [hell yes! in third and fourth grade, haha] my poster was grade champion and went on to state. i dont know, i just think i have a good eye for stuff like balance and design. which is a little concieted, i know, but i think its pretty exciting.my other homework was pretty gay, which is normal. and ive been texting felix all day, which basically makes up for the squabble thats taking place. it defiately does. i think the only thing that would make me happier would be if zach called me, all on his own. but i think for the first time in a while, i would be ok if he didnt. i guess you could say that im confused, but know exactly what i want. if that makes any sense to you. im still trying to get it all figured out in my head. at least i know that whichever way it goes, things are going to be alright.

im starting to realize whats good for me.
love, kaatie

low.

2008-08-22T23:33:00.004-04:00

life is confusing sometimes. it seemed like i knew exactly where i was going. i saw it. i was close. but then i glanced away, and when i looked back up, i couldnt see my destination anywhere? where had it gone? i asked myself, and then i realized that i couldnt even remember where i had been going.

i still cant.

i was running headlong for freedom, counting the days until i turn sixteen then eighteen then to the day i graduate. i dont even remember a time when i didnt. i couldnt wait to get out of this house, away from my parents, away from the restriction and opression and whathaveyou. i couldnt wait to be on my own, where i didnt have to fake anything for my parents. where i wasnt pressured to do things i dont really care about. where i could just be me, for me. so i could be with who i wanted to be with. now it feels like all of that is vain and selfish, and a little cruel to my parents. maybe a little stupid, and immature. ive never felt like this in my life. maybe it has something to do with being called closed minded, a slut, arrogant, and condescending all on the same day by my dad, who was previously my only ally in this house. its just an eye opener, i guess...maybe im a bitch, maybe im closed minded. maybe i love zach a lot too much. those are all likely possibilities. but all of these new thoughts dont really get me anywhere: all i really want is to not be pressured in golf, to spend more time with my friends, and to see zach more. and my parents are being obnoxiously stubborn and adminstering guilt trips left and right, making me feel like what theyre saying is actually legit.

ugh. everyone must think that im absolutely retarded for having another one of these parent fight posts the effing day after one about being happy, and feeling invincible and whatnot. it always happens like that though: one day high, the next low, the next night im crying myself to sleep, then im feeling loved and on top of the world. today did have one good part though: ethan and i sorta bonded. and it was pretty cool. im beginning to love first period. y yo no se porque a mi me gusta. es raro, no? ;]
love, kaatie

honestly, things are good right now.

2008-08-21T22:50:00.003-04:00

ive been going out with zach for two months today, which means ive had this blog for about two months as well. which is pretty exciting, although i am neither more famous nor more respected. but i guess it does help with my mental health and i did start the fabulous blogging trend among several others, which makes me feel kinda cool. hell, when dont i feel cool? im a pretty cool kid.

i think joining newspaper was one of the best decisions i made while scheduling last year. i thought it would be a little nerdy, making me a 'word nerd', if you will, since it would have displayed my obscure love of writing. but its definately not like that at all. as i was sitting in class this morning drawing on the desk because we were learning about things that didnt interest me, i noticed that there are some nifty kids in that class. it kindof dawned on me that i was a part of a really smart, chic [as i looked at scott, who looks like a male model, and kyle, who has the best style of any guy ive ever seen, and jackie, who always looks amazing], involved group of kids. what other club offers that? ive already made friends, too. sarah and i were kinda friends from golf, but this year were like, actually good friends. and scott, and kari. i predict good times. starting with kari and my adventure title The 26o...in which we spend the day driving around fort waste looking for music and art related things to do that are actually fun...its going to be a benefit to fellow chargers since fort wayne is so freaking boring. there must be some underground music or art or something around here. surely the second largest city in indiana must have some culture.

i feel a little reckless today, but at the same time, content. there isnt anything that i really desperately want from life right now. i have a new set of challanges, friends, goals..a great relationship that remains important but not like smotheringly so. the golf team, which means always having something to do. my parents and i have been getting along lately, so things are relatively good at home. so i guess ive reached not a lull but a plateau of emotion, so to speak. its high, consistantly. with all of that, i want to do things that i normally wouldnt consider, because of random insecurity and the like. its not that i want to go crazy. i guess im just comfortable with myself right now. ima big sophomore now, watch out!

i really wish that i was older right now. just because. actually, theres a couple specific daydreams that made class go really fast today, but i dont want to write em out. something about writing things of that nature out just turns me off. id rather let it roll over and over in my mind and let it keep its hold on my imagination like it almost always does. its nice to have an imagination like i have: it keeps me entertained alot of the time.

i want to vote in the 08 election, for senator obama. but alas. not until next time. im sure by then, ill be even more solid in my blacksheep beliefs.
love, kaatie

subpar, for sure.

2008-08-20T22:40:00.002-04:00

the acadamy is's new album that came out yesterday, and its pretty amazing. not gonna lie. its a close second for my favorite album ever, the best ever being we the kings, and then third place viva la cobra. but anyway. today was block day, and it was boring, like every other block day that ive ever experianced. fashion was pretty slow because jessica is like the most annoying person in the entire world, and she sat next to me and pissed me off way incredibly much just by being alive. but whatever, i guess? were doing the coolest project ever. we have to pick a celebritry and a country, and then style that celeb in that country for a 5 day promo tour. which is like, amazing, and not even like homework. i picked gabe saporta, because he has amazing style anyway. and south africa, because it would be fricking sweet to go there and party in jo'burg and cape town. seemed chic to me. anyway. of course, everyone else in the class picked someone from the fucking disney channel and a country in europe. except for the ones that picked ashlee simpson and paris hilton, and paris and milan and london. the teacher didnt catch that one. i almost told her, but i dont know. shes just a little dumb. but at least she hates miley cyrus and the jo bros as much as me. its kinda strange, i told my mom that she was almost retarded, and my mom called me arrogant. wierd, right? oh well. im arrogant, im a bitch, and i got asked if i was pregnant. interesting days.

i really hate when people try hard to be something theyre not. i hate cliches, and i hate when i get copied. or when people copy things in general. its kinda like....couldnt you be at least a little creative? i get inspired by stuff, but i like to put a little bit of my own spin on things. blatant idea stealing turns me off. i also hate the disney channel. just throwing that out there.

im especially wish that i was with zach tonight, just so you know. so im going to go lay on my bed and think about stuff.
love, kaatie

tuesday.

2008-08-19T22:07:00.002-04:00

today was almost as good as yesterday. i decided that scott is hotter than ethan and kyle. we had golf pictures. i got started on my colored pencil drawing in art, which is going to be tough to draw because the perspective is so wierd in it. oh well though, that just means its gonna look extra cool when im done, and ill be better in the long run. i do hate colored pencil though. really really do. so this project has its ups and downs, i suppose. im super excited, because me and bri signed up for mr mcfarrens animation club. not that im like, into animatin, but mr mcfarren is amazing. seriously, he was more like a..friendly uncle? than a teacher. hes just like, easy to talk to and he gives like really good advice and stuff. so that should be fun. i definately love my new music player. and i definately hate chemistry class. i have to go in early on friday to make up a lab, since i had the wrong kind of lab notebook. its retarded.

it was so crazy. in fashion, ms mulligan definately was teaching a lesson on labels, like sterotypes and cliques and cliches. it was the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard in my life. the girls in that class are like, i dont know. i want to say stupid, but not necessarily. they just think of fashion as like, spending daddy's money. thats why i honestly think i can suceed in the industry...im alot more intelligent and introspective than alot of people, and im driven. and i dont label, or accept labels. i just like to experiment with clothes. because its fun.

i dont know why im not in the mood to write today. it seems like its an everyother day thing..which isnt good because i want this to be like a daily thing. but i guess if im not feeling it, im not feeling it. im kinda sleepy, but i get to sleep in tomorrow since its wednesday. yay!
love, kaatie.

newspaper class is definately my fave.

2008-08-18T16:54:00.004-04:00

yeah so i didnt really feel like being on the computer yesterday, so i definately didnt post. well, i was, but that was just to put a couple [500, lol] of the essential songs on my new mp3 player, which is friggin sweet. its a creative zen. anyway. i didnt do anything, so i didnt have anything to write about. i still dont really, except school. which reminds me, today was pretty good! actually, it was really good, considering that its that time of the month and i usually want to rip peoples heads off. but not today. i just feel very chill and happy. i discovered that im in a better mood if i just put him out of my mind when i dont talk to him. and it works. ive been worry free for aproximately 20 or so hours: an absolutely fabulous miracle.

i cant decide whether i like newspaper or spanish better. or rather, wheter ethan hess or kyle schiffli is hotter. i do know that sarah is my new best friend, because she definately assigned me to be kyles partner during the 'interview skills' part of newspaper. it was probably the best activity ive ever participated in in school. ready for this? partnered with an extremely cute junior [dark brown eyes, long thick eyelashes, curly hair, football player thats into writing and good music! my god, what more can you ask for?], sit and talk until lunch. [bonus! hes in my chem class! the one with no seating chart.] YES, that was a school activity. and then after lunch? sit and 'interview' another cute junior [scott, the soccer playing sports editor. yum.] so that class was great. now that i think about it, spanish doesnt even come close! well, ethan is very cute. in that quiet, smart way, you know? anyway, hes my partner every other week :D i think i should feel bad about this. but i dont. not even a little bit. shoot me? im not cheating.

golf was blah, except we got our sweats. theyre super cute, and pink. instead of blue tiedye, thank god. kilmer like my reference photos for the colored pencil project.

i never thought that it was possible, but i really do think that jon lancaster and i will become actual for real friends. which is good for him, i suppose, because i dont think hes ever had a real friend before. that sounds really shitty, but seriously. for shiz. everyone makes fun of him for being a super genius, but i think since im also a super genius, i understand him a little better? and then theres jacob, who for some reason i always feel like im flirting with, because of the way he acts. but that is in no way possible. and megan! oh, how i do love english class. even miss ocock is cool. sweeet action.

so i have to do my homework now. but like, thats fine with me [!?] i guess because im in such an uncommonly good mood.
love,kaatie

im in love with noah calhoun.

2008-08-16T22:52:00.003-04:00

once when i was thirteen years old, i was at my best friends house, and we watched a movie. actually, i was there alot, and actually, we watched about a thousand amazing movies. but one time, i fell in love and lost my faith, all at once. it was a graceful fall, a painless demise. and a happy ending, dont get me wrong. i watched the notebook for the first time fell head over heels, flat on my face, for noah calhoun.

today i went through my usual swing of emotions: happy and carefree at caylins. jovial [haha] and frustrated on the golf course with my daddy. insanely mad beyond belief at zach, then not, but of course, not with him. and then...loved, and not, at the same time, watching the notebook. and now im left with an emotional hangover. a mix of all of those. mostly just tired, and a little fed up. and missing him too much, as usual. i dont know. watching the notebook makes me cry every single time i watch it, because its such a powerful movie. i want a love like that. actually, thats about all i want right now..someone to want me so bad that it hurts, that he cant sleep at night, that its all he thinks about. i dont think that allie hamilton was a stupid girl when she fell in love that summer, nor do i think she was stupid to go back to noah. i think that loving him with everything she had was simply what she had to do. not had to because someone was making her. just because it was going to happen. i think that loving like this, recklessly, when it hurts me, makes me far stupider than she could ever be. this time, i cried hard. and only because i realized that. it was one of those times that you think about everything thats happening, and how much you wish it could stop, and you feel powerless to it all and sort of lose yourself for a moment. and but the world keeps turning, and you with it.

i figure there are two kinds of crying: the kind that hurts your body, and the kind that hurts you. i think i get too much of the kind that hurts me. and thats why i dont mind doing it anymore. it makes people ask. and its so much easier to tell when someone asks. thats all i really need. i wish zach read this, so he would see what im thinking, and i wouldnt have to tell him. maybe then he could evaluate for himself if he really is the guy for me..the guy i hope to god that he is...that its only the circumstance thats making our relationship like this.

tonight, im going to try something new. instead of imagining myself with zach as i fall asleep certainly very alone in my bed, im going to not imagine anyone. im going to try to be strong, and not let him rule me. because he doesnt really have any real power over me, right?
love, kaatie

last day, first day.

2008-08-14T20:32:00.004-04:00

well im not going to lie..the first day of school was good up unti 30 seconds ago, when i saw some facebook photos that made me feel literally sick. like, stomach drop and flip kind of sick. the kind of photos that reveal, well, zach and hilary having a grand old time at macie's party last saturday, when he was supposed to hang out with me. ugh. i want to trust him. i really really do. but god, what else am i supposed to think? that he just had a friend thats a girl that older and cooler than me with a nose piercing that lives a lot closer to him than i do? yeah right. i dont want to think about it right now. but i want to know, you know? i want someone to come up and tell me...but only if its a no. i only want someone to come up to me and be like, hey, dont worry, because your boyfriend really loves you. how likely is that to happen, though? no likely, i presume. and probably not worth my sleepless night.

yesterday, my last day of summer, was quite an adventure. i got a migrane and it was so bad that i eventually had to spend some time in the emergency room. which i guess isnt that cool from the point of view that i was shaking and i could hardly breathe because my head hurt so bad and i had to spend my last day of freedom in bed all day, but still a little bit cool because i got to wear a wristband and two ugly bandaids and tell a story to everyone that asked about them.

my classes alright, i guess. i made a tight new friend, named megan. she had on an amazingly cute dress from h&m [which is my favorite store], and had cool dyed blonde hair. shes in my english class, and sits next to me. possible best friendship? i think so. all of my other ones are pretty blah. the chem teacher is crazy. in a mad scientist sort of way. my art teacher is really nice, and from the looks of it, into letting students express themselves. he let us pick our first project, which ended up being a colored pencil drawing of some sort of foliage. im going to do a kid sitting in a tree from the waist down, partially hidden by the leaves and branches and whatnot. maybe two kids in the same manner, holding hands...something cute and innocent by way of secret garden.

so i noticed some things today. the first: if youre cool, you have random, tacky streaks of pink or purple in your hair. allll of the cool kids have them. seriously. if you arent an abercrombied out prep without obsurdly purple hair, you ARE NOT cool. ARE NOT. NO. haha. forget all of those other attractive hair colors...no one or two streaks of pink or purple, and your good to go. and the other: if you are cool and a girl, you have every single accessory that fits on your body in a peace sign, and you like hannah montanna and the jonas brothers. particulary nick jonas, the one with straight hair? hes the hot one, i guess. i wouldnt know. i find the disney channel disgusting, a disgrace to real culture.

tomorrow is friday! and then the weekend! maybe ill hang out with zach tomorrow afternoon...wow, im in bad shape to be thinking tgif on the first day of school.
love, kaatie.

excitement.

2008-08-11T22:19:00.002-04:00

so its been a while, im sorry. i havent really been busy, since it was the weekend, but i dont know. i just didnt feel like getting on the computer. and i got in trouble for being online at all hours of the night...because my little sister totally ratted me out. she said it was because she was mad that i didnt ever spend any time with her, which doesnt make much since to me. youd think if she wanted some more sister time, shed like, kiss my ass or something, not try to get me in trouble. like, seriously. what good is that going to do? now i dont think ill be trusting her with much secret info. haha, because im a very mysterious person, and i keep alot of secrets. well, i do from some people. but im kinda the type of person that needs to tell at least one person something before i can chill about it. especially my little internal debates and ponderances. i think actually hearing myself say it to someone helps me sort out whether or not its actually ridiculous or if its like, something legit. usually actually ridiculous. but you know. theres those rare occurances.

so yesterday, i thought i would take the day off of golf, since everyday for the past 7 days id played 18+ holes. but then me and zach decided to play 9 at autumn ridge, and my dad tagged along, to like, meet him. which was cute. they shook hands when they were introduced, which is like, the awkwardest thing in THE entire world to watch. "nice to meet you, mr. phipps." wow. i was trying really hard not to laugh at that moment. other moments last night, i could not control random laughter, and heres why: zach is a terrible golfer. like, suuuper bad. but it was fun, nevertheless. i played somewhat amazingly, better than ive played in like, 2 weeks. probably because i was so relaxed. suprisingly, it wasnt all that awkward to have my dad there. except for the part where he almost kissed me in front of him. now that would have been wierd. like omg im scarred for life wierd. but no. everything was allll good. another perfect time spent with him...oh i dont think i blogged about how pissed i was that he didnt call me when he got home on saturday. my god, that was interesting. i walked around my house for about an hour like wringing my hands. i bet my bloodpressure was through the roof. then i called him to like, yell or be mad or whatever, and the second i heard his voice, it all melted. like, seriously. vanished. it sucked. well, maybe not, because i didnt want a fight. and he said he was sorry. usually, no matter how bad the incident is, a simple im sorry is all i need. on the flip side, though...if you dont apoligize using the actual words, im not likely to forgive you a hundred percent. just a little fun fact, for you.

school starts soon and im effing pumped. like, whoa. cant waiiit for those mixed grade classes :D and meeting new people...thats like, my favorite. and wearing all of my amazing new school clothes, of course. and using my new backpack. andddd haha i wont keep going. only two more days. wow, if i were normal, i wouldnt be this excited. but im not, so i am. ohh and im going to get my hair cut. like, actually short. like, just brushing my shoulders.. im excited. my grandma agrees with me that itll be cute..it was one of many things we discussed while shopping today. seriously, i think that i have one of the coolest gmas ever. she like, understands stuff [mainly boyfriends, and when i say understands,, i mean for real. shes so easy to talk to! i have no idea why my mom is the way she is]. it was great.

well, bed.
love, kaatie

pms is quite a bitch.

2008-08-08T20:16:00.002-04:00

again, nothing happened today. and again, im so angry at absolutely nothing that i dont know what to do with myself. i was reading the joy luck club, my project book, but after about 250 pages, that got boring. that suprises me a little bit, because its one of my favorite books. amy tan is amazing. i wonder what shes like..i bet shes a lot like me, because i can identify with almost every single line of every book of hers that ive ever read. even the parts about moms and love, like in the bonesetter's daughter and the joy luck club. i thought that i was the only one who felt like this, but no. a chinese lady whose name is far more common than mine feels the same way. it makes me feel a little better, i guess, to read exactly what im thinking. because lately its been hard to voice exactly what that is? it sucks to feel something and then try to talk about it and not be able to say what youre thinking and then the conversation goes no where and then you just feel worse than you started off. believe me, i know. it happens about every time ive talked to zach lately, which isnt very lately. last night was the first time since he left for buffalo on tuesday. he said that he was going to dugans or pats or mikes tonight and that he would steal a phone and call me, but he wont. he never does, even when hes at home. oh well. ill sit with my phone right next to me turned up as loud as it can go and feel pathetic for yet another night. i still dont know exactly how i feel about him. i suppose i dont ever really have to figure that one out, though. but it sure would help alot. then we could spend our phone conversations talking about important stuff, instead of having those confusing, unsettling conversations that blur together so i cant remember what i actually said or just thought, what he actually said or i just wished he would say. ugh. wow.

i survived the first full week of golf! we got sixth in the northrop invitational, which makes our record 16-9, i think. something like that. were off this weekend, then back to colonial oaks on monday for a threeway with northrop and leo. which well lose, most likely. colonial is a bitch. anyway, more project to do. im almost done!
love, kaatie

wasting the last days of summer.

2008-08-07T21:35:00.002-04:00

today wasnt even that bad, actually. so i dont know why i feel so bad. not bad. actually yes, bad. really bad. pissy, which is the worst kind of bad. i have to bite my tongue to keep from bitching at everyone who talks to me. well, once a month for about three days. so i guess this means that im a girl, and painfully on schedule.

not much happened today, so i dont have alot to talk about. the huntington north invitational was today and of course i played in that. i shot a 101 with 34 putts and 8 penalties. 2 pars and 1 birdie. as a team, we finished fourth out of twelve. which is decent, i guess, because the schools that beat us [huntington north, northrop, homestead] have good teams.

then i had a drive time with andrea, which was good, because shes super nice and alot like me. we talked about boys and gossiped and told stories from the past. actually, it might have been the highlight of my day. i love talking to nonjudgemental people who understand me. but maybe thats just me.

i miss zach. im tired. my back hurts. tomorrow is the northrop invitational at colonial oaks, so i think im going to turn in. sorry that this one was short and boring...i guess im just not in the mood.
love, kaatie

second somethings.

2008-08-06T21:44:00.004-04:00

i cant say that im having second thoughts, because that phrase is reserved for breakups, or so it has always seemed to me. and i certainly dont want a breakup. quite the opposite, actually. what ive realized over the last several days is that ive let my guard down way too far. waaaay too far. im in too deep. red lights are flashing. retreat now, while you still can, katie, my smart side screams at the more innocent and much too trusting side of me. its weird though. half of me cant believe that i let myself fall this far for zach when he hasnt exactly always been the most reliable person in the world. the other half wonders what the hell happened to awake me from my headoverheelsness. i know the answer to that one: my parents. i guess since the last time they tried to tell me that i didnt know what love even was [umm, seventh grade maybe?] ive matured a little bit. and i have always been a thinker, so of course, five minutes later after the initial anger wore off, i started to mull that one over. was it possible, i reasoned to myself, that i wasnt in love with zach? that i only cared about him, like my mom said? i didnt come to any conclusions until today..actually thats not true. i said something a couple posts ago...'i lean on zach alot more than hes around'...something along those lines. and i do. really. and that is a huge problem. i think - no, im sure that i care about him waay more than he cares about me. it seems like its always tilted like that. we talked about this once, and he said that it wouldnt be slanted in this relationship. but it is, i can tell now. he doesnt call when hes in new york...im not sure whether its just convienient not to or hes too busy or something like that...i might just be jumping to conclusions on this one. but then again, maybe not. i dont want to feel desperate like this all the time...like i need to see him or talk to him. its just...uncomfortable. it scares me.

im not saying that i dont love him. he makes me feel a helluva lot, thats for sure. especially when im around him, but even when im not. this all just makes me realize that i need to stop looking into the future that we might not have together [but might. hopefully.] and start looking at the now. except....now i havent seen him in about two weeks and miss him like crazy. but also in the now: he comes home and gets his license on saturday. its thursday. maybe things are about to get good soon. who knows? ill just hope for the best, i guess.

carroll golf; record: 2-1. lost to norwell 189 to 197. tomorrow: huntington north invitational.

ima get some sleep.
love, kaatie

chaos!

2008-08-05T13:41:00.003-04:00

this morning was crazy. honestly, you'd think that since it was all school related, things would have been a little bit organized. then again, i cant even find my way from the small auditorium to the student parking lot now because of all the construction. on top of that, the entire building is absolutely crawling with construction workers. i hope that this is no indication as to how the school year is going to go.

i got up this morning nonchalantly 45 minutes late. somehow, it didnt register to me that i was late, so i never really got the adrenaline rush that i usually get when im late to school [which is almost every morning]. in any case, i was ready in time but didnt get a chance to eat any breakfast, which isnt smart when you have to go play golf. so then i went over to the school and attempted to find the cafeteria through the maze of plywood and temp walls [it didnt help that i went in the wrong door]. anyway, i found it eventually. i got my schedule, and realized about one second later that it was messed up. they didnt give me spanish 3! which is quite an issue if im going to be going on an exchange junior year. so coach kollinger and i went to the guidance office to try and get that fixed, where we were yelled at for not waiting in line. so he yelled at the random secretary for a while, and then we left a note for my advisor, who wasnt there anyway. coach told me to get my stuff to my locker so we could get on the bus and go. so i was walking that way and delagrange, the athletic director, popped out of nowhere and attacked me. like, seriously, i thought she was going to kick my ass, because i didnt have my physical turned in yet. except..i had it in my hand. i was like, chill, woman, its right here. but of course, my mom forgot to fill out the back page. delagrange almost didnt let my play today, but it was eventually figured out. and i did play. good thing too: i shot a 49 for an overall 2nd place. we beat concordia and dwenger, which means that were 2-0. thats the best record carroll has ever had, i think. and we already have a better record than we did last year. so im pretty much pumped about the season.

theres little kids in my room and they want me to take them to the pool. so i might do that, just to keep my mind on happy things. i have that reading project to do too. soo.
love,kaatie

lukewarm.

2008-08-04T22:13:00.002-04:00

i guess things turned out better than they could have, but not like i wanted them to go at all. at very least, my dad doesnt hate me. we ended up playing 9 and by the end of the round, everything was back to normal. my parents originally said that i couldnt go to zachs, but then changed their minds, but by that time it was too late. so i didnt get to see him either way. i guess thats what i get. i made the varsity golf team, which is good. but i have to get up at 6 tomorrow to register for school at 730 because we have matches all this week and theres no other time to do it, which is bad. the waking up early part, anyway. not the matches every day part, because i love those. i hatehatehate school pictures though. they always turn out bad, so why bother? because relatives have to frame them and show them to people even though they suck. dont you love old people? i know i do.

i dont like being told what i think and feel, especially by my mother who has never agreed on anything with me in my entire life. she tried to tell me that i didnt know what love was because im 15. and then she said that the feelings i had for zach were inappropriate, which only made me more mad. ugh, i dont know. im pretty sure that this is something. what else would it be but love? im a little confused. but i do know that i miss him. if things go as planned, it will have been about two weeks. that sucks. i just want to be older so parents didnt fuck everything up all the time. im so scared that one of these days hes just going to decide that its not worth it, like most guys do. that hes going to say, yeah, youre cool and everything, but im going to waste my time with someone who doesnt have crazy controlling parents who i can actually see regularly. that hes going to think that im not worth the trouble.

oh god.
love,kaatie

dr pepper leaves fizzies in your nose.

2008-08-03T22:47:00.003-04:00

well, thats what this post was going to be called. i was thinking about what exactly i would write about while i was at the driving range with my dad. i was thinking it would be lighthearted but deep. we had a good time...talking about golf and hitting like a thousand balls and putting and talking and planning the season. we had a putting contest and he beat me by 2, as usual. one of us suggested playing 18 after the second day of tryouts tomorrow afternoon. could have been him, could have been me. he said that he could take the afternoon off of work to play golf with me. skiddlydoo. either 27 or 36 holes tomorrow, and some dad time. which i do, by the way, sincerely enjoy.

so i got home, and started to clean my golf clubs. i was talking to zach on the phone, because i didnt have any music to listen to because my mp3 player is still busted. anyway. so we were talking, and he told me that he was leaving for new york a day earlier than his parents originally said. that meant that if we were going to hang out at all before like, next sunday, it would have to be tomorrow. on top of not seeing him im more than a week as it is. so he asked me if i wanted to come over. and i did, obviously. still do, despite everything that happened in the next hour. in any case, i was pumped, and a little nervous [about being around his parents who i havent really met, about seeing him [he gives me butterflies!], about asking my parents and about them saying yes] so i didnt give the golf plans a second thought before i asked my mom. she said yes, if his parents would be there...and to go ask my dad about what time i should get picked up. so i went downstairs, and asked him, but he said no before i even finished talking. and then he was like, but were going golfing tomorrow. i dont really remember what else he said down in the basement but i know it ended with me going back upstairs to ask mom something else. i was just excited that my mom had said yes, at that point.

zach called back, we were talking for like a minute. then i heard that someone was picking up another phone downstairs, which pisses me off so incredibly much since we have jank ghetto phones anyway where conversations can be listened to. so i went down there, to see who the hell was trying to listen to my conversation. then my mom was like, you need to hang up now. so i did. [note: its not a good idea to let your parents hear you say i love you. which about the more ridiculous thing ive ever heard. i can love who i want.] and then my mom went on a mini tyraid about how i already had plans and i was being a jerk to cancel on my dad, and i was like, well i definately forgot. and then my dad played the whole 'you like him more than you like me' thing. which made me a little mad, because of course i love zach, but i love my dad. and he knows it. he also knows that im quite a careless person. i tried to explain to them exactly why i wanted to go over to zachs tomorrow. the response i got from both of them: "so?" it went on for quite a while..

ahhh, shit. i dont want to write about this anymore. i fought with my dad, and that never happens. so now im scared that i wont be able to see zach and that my dad hates me. i guess. i dont really know.
love, kaatie

she knew she'd shake it eventually.

2008-08-03T13:27:00.002-04:00

i am absolutely jovial...its a welcome change. and i have absolutely no idea why! i take that back. i know quite a few reasons why: my headache is GONE! i got 11 hours of sleep last night. steven and i are back on the terms that we should be on. ashley and i are all good too. i ate a can of mega noodle soup for breakfast at 11oo this morning. i want to work for diddy premiers tomorrow. ive listened to about a girl aprox. 100 times in the last 24 hours. someone helped me realize that im a confident, smart individual with a good head on my shoulders that can make good decisions. and that my chucks are totally my favorite shoes that ive ever seen/owned in my entire life. i was home alone for quite a while this morning, doing nothing except coloring a replacement sign for ashley and doing laundry. all of that is just somehow...relaxing. its just what ive been needing.

so im going to take all of those and run with them. im going to make this week, and the week after that, great, so im in prime condition to start sophomore year. i want to make it as drama free as possible. like that would ever happen, but you know. its just a guideline, i suppose. i want to make sure i end up with more friends than i start with [which essentially means no more losing friends, because that sucks,] and not fail my hard classes. thats what im most worried about, i think. chem, algebra II, and honors english. speaking of which, i have a project to do before school starts. it shouldnt be too challenging, but it would definately suck to forget to do it. ill probably end up doing that while zach is in new york, since i wont be able to hang out him at all next week.

im rambling, which is a good sign, i guess. im gonna go watch my daddy play baseball.
love, kaatie

pointless.

2008-08-02T22:36:00.002-04:00

i went to a family reunion today. it was really boring, except for the part where i met yet another cousin that i had no idea existed. his name is josh, he lives in iowa, he goes to a private highschool...blah. ive had a terrible headache for the entire day. it feels like something is squeezing my temples in. not fun. other than that, ive done absolutely nothing. nothing at all. except be a little mad because apparently i didnt get to gingers party quick enough or something [?]. oh well though. dont bother explaining that one to me, because i dont care. i know im just being pissy and itll blow over after i get some rest and my head stops being annoying.

i really want to talk to someone who will distract me enough to let me sleep for a little while. i know as soon as i get off of the computer im going to cry. i feel choked up a little even now. i want to shake this feeling, but its been like a week now. its starting to get old, and to annoy even me. i bet its even worse for those who have had to read about it in every single post. im sorry about that. but i havent been bothering anyone about it for real. maybe i need to do that...ill find someone to talk me out of it. jeez. i just need to be done pmsing already. and fall into a rhythm again. golf will help me with that, im sure.

i realize that this was a pointless post, lo siento. but really. this sucks. im going to go listen to we the kings, and try to sleep the whole night through for the first time since tuesday.
love, kaatie

warped was amazing!

2008-08-01T20:48:00.002-04:00

warped was rather amazing. and although i could go on and on with stories, im super tired and still recovering. so ill give all of you a summary:

i met travis clark! and all time low, dreams of universities, and cobra starship. saw cobra starship, katy perry, we the kings, all time low, anberlin, angels and airwaves, charlotte sometimes, shwayze, the acadamy is..., and dr manhattan. about a girl is officially my new favorite song. travis is still my favorite ginger, maybe my favorite person in the world besides zach. there were a ton of hot guys. and there were tents for causes that i support: obama, peta [ok. maybe not so much anymore, because i puked in a trashcan by the peta tent and they laughed at me. i was like, yeah go help your animals while i have a heat stroke and puke because i cant keep water down because its so hot!], invisible children..and good music. im seriously considering going into merch now, because it would be effing sweet to go and hang out with all of these people all summer. to be on warped for the summer would be heavenly. after that, who cares? i will have just spent a summer with amazing bands and other cool people. zach WILL be getting his lip pierced, because lip piercings are like the sexiest things on the planet. i dont care what anybody says.

speaking of zach, hes going to cedar point without me, damnit! and back to new york :[ i miss him alot. and i love him alot more. i dont know why, but im extra emotional and moodswingy lately. if he was any less understanding, i dont know what i would do. the way he makes me feel but doing nothing but existing, and just the way he listens to me babble...thats whats holding me together right now.

there was something else i wanted to write, but i dont remember anymore. random things: i need a new mp3 player. i hate it when people copy me. kelsey is really funny. golf tryouts went sorta badly, even though i know im not going to get cut. still, im a little nervous for monday. i reallyreally want to see the dark knight. there isnt much to do at my house..HAHAHA.. insider. umm.. strange moods spawn strange thoughts. and ive definately been thinking some wierd shit lately.

warped was among the greatest experiances of my life. i hugged gabe saporta TWICE and travis signed my shoe and then told me that he loved me! yay. anyway, im falling asleep. peace, lovers!
love, kaatie

labels make it lame.

2008-07-30T16:47:00.003-04:00

this is aproximately whats running through my mind right now:

warped warped warped warped warped. travis clark. warped. scene scene travis. we the kings, all time low, forever the sickest [TRAVIS!] kids, katy perry, charlotte sometimes, motion city soundtrack, cobra starship, anberlin, dr manhattan, the acadamy is, mayday parade. we the kings. travis. yum. redhead, travis. we the kings. warped.

im so excited. as you can probably figure out by yourself. like, this is the most excited ive every been in my entire life. actually, maybe not. well, probably. i was pretty pumped before honda civic last year [fall out boy, +44, cobra starship, the acadamy is..] but i didnt even get to go because fall out boy's plane got delayed in new york. the whole concert was moved to the next tuesday. i happened to be in jamiaca that day [which made me feel a little better, since at least i was doing something exciting. and to make me feel any better about missing that sort of event [pete and gabe!] it better be pretty damn fun]. ohh well. fall out boy got lame like 5 minutes later. so i guess i saved myself 50 dolla and the embarassment of actually seeing them sing their new batch of songs written for the radio. not getting to see gabe...now that was killer. i got a sweet t out of the deal though!

i have the perfect little scenester outfit for this adventure, which i think ive already described so im not going to describe it again. i think ill fit in with the emo kids pretty well..haha. people that call themselves emo are among the most halarious people on the planet. theyre all about noncomformity and thats great. i respect them for that. but they all look exactly the same! AND theyre all about 14 years old. and they think theyre better than everyone else on the planet. [this is not stereotyping, i swear. im talking about the ones who actually give themselves this title.] i mean, you'd think a group of kids with sweet hair and sweet clothes and sweet makeup would at least me cool. but i guess when you throw in the fact that they toke up twelve times a day and are dumb as rocks, and do bad in school, and are destined to be god knows what when they outgrow being scene. i should start a new generation of scene kids: smart, introspective, and political...keeping the music and hair and clothes, and of course, the eyeliner and dyed hair. because it just wouldnt be scene without if. i guess you could sum it up like this: labels make everyone lamer. so dont call yourself an emo, prep, jock, or geek. call yourself you!

im proud to be a lover, an artist, a girlfriend, an experimenter, a golfer, a catcher, an eventer, a forward, an explorer, a writer, an arguer, a politician, a reader. a cupcake stripper. a smartie. a good friend.

you can call me any of those, because thats what i am.
love, kaatie.

purpose.

2008-07-30T11:06:00.003-04:00

ive been thinking about purpose. not the classic 'why am i here, what am i supposed to accomplish with my life.' that has never really been an issue for me because i dont really care what i was 'predestined' to do. im going to live it moment by moment, not actively trying to change the world. i want to change the world by just being me, and doing what i want to do. i dont have that overwhelming need to feel important like some people, but i do think that some of my ideas could be key to making the world better. not pompously, of course, but i see things differently than other people. i think thats why its so crucial for me to express the way i feel, whether if be with a drawing, a photograph, or a poem. i just want my ideas to get out there. thats why i have this blog, i suppose.

that was a tangent. back to the original train of thought: the purpose of what i do. for a teenager, i have a strangely packed schedule. hard classes at school. newspaper. golf. softball. hockey. riding. finding ways to generate money, be it a job or babysitting. then theres just being a teen: movies, mall, hanging out with friends. it just seems like with everything ive committed myself takes too much time away from doing what i really want to do. yes, i enjoy playing all of the sports that i play. and there is a point to it, i guess, if sucess at sports is a point. because im good at all of them. but it just occurred to me last night while i was talking to erica about the future; i thought of something that id definately never considered before. she said that it was a wierd concept for her to imagine anyone wanting to go without riding horses for an extended period of time, and i agreed with her, except i know im going to have to give it up eventually because im going to live in the city. same with hockey and softball [probably not golf, because thats something that you can do your whole life]. but then i got to thinking: why do i waste my whole summers on things that im not going to use after highschool? but then again, what else would i do with all of the free time? i think its because i like to be busy, and i like to be known as someone who's very talented and sucessful. even so. im looking forward to a slowdown after i graduate.

probably blog. lol. im going to keep thinking about this one, and probably not reach a conclusive decision. this whole pms mood sucks.
love,kaatie

WARPED IS TOMORROW! YAYYYYYY!

if i was a little braver, i might not get teased like this.

2008-07-29T12:14:00.003-04:00

i hate shots. i reallyreally do. and unfortunatly for me, watching me get injected is highly comical. needless to say, everytime i go to the doctor, my mother finagles the doctor and nurses into thinking that i need a shot. and let me tell you: it is NOT my idea of a good time to get stabbed with a needle, especially when i dont need to. i mean, its not like im just going to go out and have random sex with random people to get HPV, so why the hell do i need three shots for gardisil? because i cry and wiggle and flip out every time, probably. i swear to god, there were four additional nurses standing in the doorway to the examining room just watching my mom hold my hands and the nurse try and give me the damn hepatitis shot. and then shabam. she got me.

as if that wasnt enough, my doctor is a creeper. he had long greasy silver hair thats comes to about his shoulders that he tucks behind his ears [johnny depp as willy wonka?], and dresses primarily in shades of grey. he leaves the top button of his shirt unbuttoned and doesnt wear a tie. he reminds me of the founding fathers, ex. george washington or benjamin franklin. so its pretty scary when im laying on that paper covered table and hes like, feeling me or whatever. or when he tells me to bend over so he can check my spine. shutter. plus, i dont like doctors in the first place. or dentists, ortodontists, or dermatlogists. theyre too close, i cant move, its just scary. if i had a normal looking one that was hot or even nice, then it might possibly be tolerable. but im pretty sure greys anatomy was created to tease me. no such doctors exist in fort wayne.

so then i had a golf lesson with jeff out at cobblestone, which was pretty dull as usual. and it was hot. then my mom decided that she wanted to go to walmart and pick up some home excercise equipment because she decided that im not in good enough shape [too fat!]. so i didnt have that great of an afternoon either. but i guess one good thing happened: my parents are mulling over whether or not we can go to circuit city to get my new mp3 player. its a creative zen, about the size of a credit card, pretty thin. so if that gets accomplished, ill be all set. living without something to play music sucks so bad, because the sound quality of my good old laptop is terrible. im kinda moody. which means ill probably end up posting about my random musings later. until then.
love, kaatie

ps: enjoy the new music!

suprisingly chill.

2008-07-28T23:12:00.002-04:00

my computer had a virus on it tonight, which provided me and my father about six hours of quality entertainment. while watching him sort though all of the various files on my precious laptop searching for the spyware, i had a swiss orange milkshake. yum.

today was pretty nonchalant as a whole. i was home alone for most of the day, which was good, because i needed that to recover from yesterday. then i golfed, better than yesterday evening. my wrist feels a little better. i moved my stuff back down the basement bathroom, now that the spiders are gone. my family had hotdogs for dinner, which was nasty. i hate hotdogs so much...and then im thinking about going vegetarian again when school starts. not because of that stupid, ignorant PETA video about animal cruelty, although that is sad. its just...i dont actually know. i was before, and i liked it. i felt better. and i lost a ton of weight, which is always good. especially because i have some amazing new size 5 skinny jeans i have to fit into. which reminds me: yesterday i was gonna eat a cookie and my mom was like, yeah, thats really gonna help your tight emo pants. what a silly goose she it!

i have a new bestfriend, and that excites me greatly. we're alike in so many ways, even though ive never met him. i wonder if he and janna talked, if they would get along amazingly also? that would be an exciting conversation. ill have to introduce them.

i realized that i lean of zach alot more than hes around. like, if im having a bad day or whatever, all i have to do is think about him to make myself feel a little better. and if i talk to him, i feel like a million times better. sometimes i wonder if im getting in over my head, but then...he promised. but still. for a girl with trust issues, im definately putting alot into him. and its not like something i can ease out of. im in this for the long haul, i think.

and another thing, before i go. i decided that im a confident person, and that i like who i am. i dont want to be anything other than the label free me.
love, kaatie

from an undisclosed location.

2008-07-28T12:34:00.002-04:00

mobile, 27JUL08. 530 pm:

well since i dont have verison wireless and a sweet phone with a keyboard, i cant technically blog from anywhere but my room, which is unfortunate on days like today when i simply cannot spend anymore time with anyone. but i can take a pencil and paper and journal, which is what im doing [and now im typing exactly what i wrote. well, except this little blurb] im not a loner, but there are days when being perpetually misunderstood takes too much of a toll on me. i didnt run away, but i ran.

so im sitting on the ground in the thin woods surround by houses. not far away from my house, by far enough that i dont think ill be found or walked in on. unless i was followed. which is possible if not probable. you cant imagine how hard it was to get out of the house. and even harder to escape with this pencil and notebook! my family [parents, mostly] tries so hard to prevent me from keeping that small percentage of my sanity sometimes, i swear.

after i got out of th shower i had an unretainable urge to be alone, so of course i started to retreat into my roon, but i cound even make it those 25-odd steps acros the loft without running into jackie. i decided i would ride my bike. so i quickly changed into a t and some shorts and tossed on some sneaks, grabbed a bag and started to leave. and then i had to explain myself [purpose defeated?] 3 different times to the nosy members of my household. i mean, come on. i say im going for a bike ride and i dont want any company. im effing fifteen and a half. i can do that by myself. but that isnt enough. they all asked what was in the bag [pencil, notebook, phone]. they all asked why i would need a pencil and notebook [to write]. what would i be writing? [journaling, some thoughts, idk] what kind of thoughts? etc. as you could probably guess, by the time i actually got out of the house on my bike i was more than a little pissed. and unecessarily so.

i dont know why i want to cry right now. maybe i just need someone to see that somethings wrong, recognize the unfallen tears, and to not ask questions. to simply let me cry, and to hold me until i stop. but that person is too far away right now. well. i have to go now, because my bike ride was limited to 25 or 30 minutes. go figure.
love, kaatie

a subtle kiss that no one sees; a broken wrist and a big trapeze.

2008-07-27T13:48:00.002-04:00

ive missed a few days, i apoligize. ive been a combination of terribly busy and stressed and tired. in a bad way, unfortunately. as i read the last paragraph of good summer days this morning, i laughed to myself. of course something that good couldnt last. and of course that happiness would be short lived. it usually is, especially since my mother is a part of my everyday life. yeah, it kinda sucks, since she has such an obnoxiously short fuse. but i deal. i always have. so i guess im going to tell the story of my weekend, even though im not really down with dragging it out, since it was so pointless and utterly consequenceless.

i left off with my amazing day at ashleys, which was amazing, obviously. i redid her white board with a fresh set of lyrics, which took me aproximately 3 hours, but it was worth it. creations like that are always worth it, simply because they look cool when im done. i slept for about 4 hours, and then got up, came home, and slept some more. got ready, ate an egg mcmuffin, and headed to the mall. got a hundred dolla from my parentals [:]]. it was a drama free and promising start. so me ashley and jackie shopped our hearts out. i was captain bargain shopper, as usual, finding shirts and a pair of shoes and a belt for less than 1o dolla each. i got my warped outfit...its totally scene. and totally hot: dark grey artfully distressed skinny jeans [MAXrave], a bright orange and white striped t [h&m], a black vest [wet seal], and some pretend white vans, for signing. brilliant idea, right? the only thing i didnt get with my parents money was a bottle of sweet daydream from victorias secret, but it wasnt that necessary. i have a ton of other sprays/perfumes. a purchase for another day, i suppose. so me and ashley were out of cash, but jackie still had like 25 dolla [typical jackie, being the last one with cash] so we went to her store of choice, hollister. shutter. although i do like to go and bop around that store, because all of the boys that work there are preppily delicious and smell so good and because the music in there is good. it makes me wonder why people that wear that stuff all the time listen to rap and hiphop more than the good music they play in their store. i guess ill never no. anyway, that trip ended up being the start of the badness. ashley left her phone in there. we didnt realize it until we came out of earth magic about a half hour later.. so we ran back, and it was gone. it would have been pushing our luck to expect to find it, though. the new samsung glyde. so on top of her mom running behind schedule, we traipsed around the mall leaving contact information and the like...i ended up not getting home until like 4:08 or so. which was incredibly bad because my dad and i were supposed to leave with bobby and amy at 4:15 because we had a game at 6 in berne. i got chewed out. so did jackie, even though it wasnt our fault at all and we couldnt have done anything about it. so then we lost the game. i got home, and was in a bad mood. the first game on saturday was bad, but we beat new haven in the second. then we went to berne swiss days and ate fair food. then while the rest of my team was off being obnoxious, i found a spot with the local scene kids and listened to a cute boy with an accoustic guitar sing for a little while. he was good..and covered both bright eyes [at the bottom of everything] and the moldy peaches [anyone else but you]. then i took a 2 and a half hour nap in bobbys truck, which was relaxing. so then we started our first tournament game. we were up 5-1 by the fifth, which is really good for the thunder, seeing as how we kinda suck. then in the bottom of the fifth, they started to score. almost at the end of the inning, there was a girl on third who was leading off really far. i was catching and gave a sign to my third baseman that i was going to throw to her on the next pitch. i was ready to come up and throw...and then the batter swung and hit me in the wrist. it hurt. bad. but i finished the game and hit a standup triple to right field the next inning. but my dad thinks its broken, and it probably is because it hurts like a mother still, but i refuse to accept that because golf season starts on friday. eventful weekend, which is why im doing absolutely nothing today. i need to recuperate.

except i mixed a cd for mother dearest to take to the gym. which is fine, i dont mind doing stuff like that for her to win myself brownie points. what i do mind is that she orders me around while im trying to do her this favor. she doesnt say thank you. not even when im all finished. it just...makes me mad. maybe i expect too much from her? i dont think so.

now that softball season is officially over, i dont have too much to do this week. warped is in 4 short days, and then chs golf gets to claim the rest of my free time. im pretty pumped. school is just around the corner, and when it starts, things slow down and get a lot more calm. thank god for that!
love, kaaite

good summer days.

2008-07-24T13:02:00.003-04:00

things are suprisingly chill lately, theres almost nothing i can think of to talk about that i havent already bored you with in the past few days. drivers training is done, thank god. but other than that...its been golf, zach, and drama. lately its taken a steadier rhythm, and i must say that i like it quite a bit.

me and zach went to the fair and hung out yesterday. it was pretty boring, but id sit through the opera or the revelation to be with him. it was the same old 4h shit going on...animals, carnies, food, rides, crafts...and of course a mass abundance of carroll kids. mostly the show choir [gayest] and the popular kids [lamest]. and the in betweeners...me, caylin, sawyer. actually, sawyer might have been the coolest kid there! seeing as how hes tall and amish and his nose is amazingly shaped. a lady came up to me and told me how i could be a model, and told me that my chucks were cool. and she gave me a lollipop and a dvd! jealous much? keep your eyes peeled...ill probably end up on a poster for abused children or something. or like, camo white trash hunting pinup. y'know.

today was amazingly fun. probably close to the most fun ive had all in one go all summer. ashley and i went golfing. except ashley didnt golf, she basically just drove me around and made mischif. and ate mini tacos with every single sauce imaginable from the crazy lady in the club house. lol, insider..anyway. then, we came back to the minyard residence and made some asain cuisine...hit up my facebook for pics. AND THEN. ohh boy. we went to ashleys spot. under the bridge. there was a creek and alot of pretty queen anne's lace, and rocks, and moss...it was seriously like of the coolest things ever. i wish i had a spot like that. ha, all ive got is my bedroom. my computer desk. thats my scene escape. so what did we do? we took scenester pics, duh. tons of them. and then we went tresspassing. as scene explorers of the scene forest, which we discovered was actually a tree farm. can you imagine any cooler of a profession than a tree farmer? i sure cant...it would actually be sorta calming to have your own realm of trees to escape to. especially when the trees are mixed with scene white flowers..it was so pretty. somewhere from a dream...AN IDEAL LOCATION, IF ZACH IS READING THIS. objects posed with include: a tractor, trees, flowers, no tresspassing signs, the bridge, a tree covered with poison oak, and a tree spade. then we came back to eat more asian and be scared shitless by pet sematary. oh my god. it was the creepiest movie ever. but i had so much fun. yay for ashley.

im so glad things are back to normal. who would have thought that things would work out for me like this? seriously, what did i do to deserve this turnaround? fun yesterday and today, and a whole day of shopping tomorrow. thats what i call a some good summer days.
love, kaatie

mood swing, captured in writing.

2008-07-22T22:44:00.004-04:00

im so mad right now its hard to figure out exactly what i want to write about tonight.

i take that back..im not exactly made, anymore. its more of an intense hate for drama and and immaturity and all problems associated with it. this summer has been the most dramatic in my entire life, by far. its even worse than highschool, actually, which is kindof pathetic. theres the whole steven thing, yeah. but then theres a separate ashley-caylin-zach thing that was going on for more than a month that just sucked. totally sucked. because when your two best friends have a problem with eachother and one of them hates your boyfriend, what the hell do you even do? what do you SAY? i guess its mostly my fault for letting it go on this long, because it didnt occur to me until tonight that i should have just talked it out with ashley to find out what the actual problem was. im so glad that i did though, because the problem is solved. i think. i hope. because i miss ashley so much. our insiders, the way that she just like, gets me. i cant give up zach and caylin, but id do just about anything i had to to get ashley to just be my best friend again. [hashbrown, if youre reading this: i love you.] but were putting all of that in the past. so, as of right now, its officially buried.

i feel a little better now, but i can feel the empty feeling gnawing at the pit of my stomach. im talking to zach though, and it helps. i think that of all the relationships ive ever been in, this is by far the best. he gets me, and i can actually see myself with him in a year. in five years. like, its a plausible thing..him and i staying together. and we talked about it today...about it being long term and stuff like that. i just wish...i dont know. words are pretty powerful for me. and i know how i feel about him. i could tell him how he makes me feel. it bounces around in my head constantly..every second of every day. but like i said earlier, if he told me, it would make me feel better. if he told me that we would last and that he wasnt going to like, change his mind about how he feels about me, it would make me so much more secure..i wouldnt worry half as much. maybe thats what this feeling is...insecurity. like my life is loose, unfixed, uncertain. like its balanced at the edge of a cliff. and maybe these problems are like strong winds, pushing me a little closer towards the edge. its that second of panic when i dont realize that i have people that will always be there to make sure i dont fall.

i feel better, because i definately figured something out thats pretty cool. so heres to the people i love...that will always love me back.
love, kaatie

the anniversary theory.

2008-07-21T23:53:00.003-04:00

im excited, fans. four days until the one month anniversary of this blog! yayyy! it survived a whole month! it doesnt feel like that long, thats for sure. and oh yeah! today is zach and my one month anniversary. not that i had any doubt in my mind that it would last any less than this, but still. milestones are big these days, i suppose. it doesnt even feel like weve been together for a month, and to be perfectly honest, it doesnt even feel like a big deal. it just feels the same...natural. with ethan, it was a huge thing. and he said happy anniversary. how...coupley. gross. and then he acted funny after that. i think when you make a huge deal about something like a one month, it kinda says that making it that far was not certain. like you might have broken up before that, in other words. especially if you celebrate. well, celebrate is the wrong word, because you can celebrate events like this in different ways. for instance, a makeout session. but things like a dinner, a movie, staged romance, A CHEAP RING, gifts in general...it seems cheesy to me. but maybe thats just me, being a little too mature and wound a little tight.

it was a good day, despite getting knocked out of the wallen tournament by a bad throw made by me. i guess i dont really care that much though, because everyone knows that im a damn good player. im pretty sure it was my only error of the season, anyway. plus, i dont have to play anymore games out there this summer. that means only 4 or 5 more at the berne tournament this weekend with thunder, and then im DONE. YES. i got my new glasses today, and theyre absolutely adorable. and theyre coach. my mom and i just hung out and shopped a little in the afternoon. drivers ed was suprisingly unboring and actually kind of stirring in the im-so-hormonal-that-the-crash-story-is-gonna-make-me-cry sort of way. but at least it went fast. i got through a big chunk of the book im reading, virgin earth by phillipa gregory. its amazing, just like the rest of her books. AND, [icing on the cake] i found an amazing ringtone site that sends tones to centennial phones for FREE. HELL YEAH. i got like 5.

so i hope everyone else had as good of day as i had. i dont know why, but i just feeel happy. i wish i could put this feeling in a bottle for those tough days. someone invent that for me.
love, kaatie

cinematic adventures.

2008-07-20T23:23:00.002-04:00

i decided that im an extremely jealous person. i also decided that when youre used to being confident all the time, being made insecure isnt fun. actually, it really sucks. i met some of zachs friends today...macie, sawyer, and hilary. i already knew that sawyer was dumb and immature, but he was fatter than i expected, which was a wierd observation, but i guess thats why this is my blog. maybe hell read it and put up a better picture on facebook. or lose weight. who knows. maybe then someone will go out with him. doubt it. macie and hilary though...they were different than people id think zach would hang out with. which is cool, i guess. hes allowed to have friends. except they were both really loud and obnoxious and seemed ditzy and were really pretty and were probably cooler and more interesting and more fun than i am. at first i was a little mad, but then i just felt...small. like after finding out what kind of girls he usually hangs out with, i could never compete for very long. it was a lot like seeing them and thinking to myself, jeez..this wont last long. which i regret thinking a hundred percent because thats all im going to be able to think about when im talking to him until he tells me that it isnt true. why he needs to tell me, i dont know. im just that kind of person, i guess. i want to feel like i deserve someone like him. i want to feel like im just as good as the older, louder, prettier girls. but i cant.

the happening was the dumbest movie ive ever seen, with the worst acting ive ever seen. m night shyamalan is my favorite director, because of signs and the sixth sense. ive never seen one of his movies and been like, holy shit, that was a waste of time. but this one was terrible. it had a rediculous plot, laughable acting, and terrible effects. but the killer was the fact that it totally made a joke of the state of the planet, which isnt a joke. a movie on the subject of the world needing to go green should at least be somewhat believable or mildy entertaining to make even the slightest bit of a statement. wall-e did a better job.

my stomach hurts.
love,kaatie

i need a rewind button.

2008-07-20T10:33:00.006-04:00

this morning i woke up with a strange sense that something was going to happen today. something good or bad, i dont know. but something. the losers bracket of the softball tournament that SC thunder is playing in is cancelled, which means that we worked hard and came out with a win yesterday was for nothing, and that i have nothing to do today. my dad and sister left for the 12U softball world series today. which is exciting, i suppose. except now im here all week with just my mom. which is significantly not exciting, because we dont get along that well most of the time. oh well, though.. ive always survived before.

steven is causing me alot of stress right now..definately more than hes worth. people who i talk to regularly have heard me say over and over that i dont want to talk to him ever again, because hes dumb pothead and more trouble than hes worth. im sure zach is tired of hearing about him because i dated steven before i dated him. not that anything good came from it, but still. i [somehow] can be a jealous person, so i can see how that subject could be awkward for him. even so, he listens, and that helps, but now i feel like im just being dramatic. the stuff he says though! hell text me in the middle of the night and be like, i cant stop thinking about you, or another time, i really want to sleep with you. this, coming from [formerly] my best friend is disturbing. theres no other way to put it. honestly, if i could go back to may 3rd to when we were sitting under caylins window in the grass watching the stars and lightning and talking about life and love and fear and change, i would. i would take back all of the things i said to him because i thought i could trust him. i wouldnt believe anything he said that night, how he told me not to worry, how he told me that nothing and everything would change at the same time. i wouldnt kiss him, if i could do it all again. but i cant. now im faced with this constant drama or losing a friend that ive told everything. all in all, i do miss talking to him. itll work itself out eventually..i hope.

when i think about it, it seems that my life is a series of constant struggle rarely graced by moments of peace and contentment. sort of how my golf game is mostly recovery from bad shots. maybe thats what life is all about - struggling against what the universe casts your way, recovering safely from that plight.

maybe im not getting enough sleep.
love, kaatie

a day[and night]dream.

2008-07-19T22:05:00.005-04:00

one of two things will probably result from my specific intentions for life: either im going to achieve all or most of them, or live a totally different life than the one im about to describe and be unhappy. or ill succumb to a 9 to 5, white picket fence, white collar...the american dream. whatever the hell that is.

no. thats totally NOT what i want to be like when i grow up. it all seems so boring, cliche, redundant...if you know me you know how i feel about that. i want to be creative and fashionable and intelligent and meaningful and mysterious as an adult. i want to make my own choices and have my own beliefs. i want to have fun and be rediculously, adorably, and hopelessly in love. i want to take risks and have fun, which shouldnt be too hard to do in nyc. and i also [seriously] want to be poor. to struggle. dont get me wrong though, i like living where i do and doing all the exciting sports and activities i do. thats great, and im so grateful to my parents for giving me this life. but when i get older, i dont want to have everything handed to me. i admit that it is now. and its awkward for me to talk to people who are worried about money, because ive never had to be. it doesnt matter to me if i have to live from paycheck to paycheck. i just want to be happy and have friends and have fun.

so. life plans as of right now: im going to survive sophomore year and the first half of junior year. then im going to spend the second half of junior year in spain. speaking spanish and being chic in europe. and maintaining the long distance relationship with zach like a pro, of course. he'll fly over and visit me for a week over spring break. then ill come home all coolified and breeze through senior year. after i graduate, i leave. as soon as i can. ill be starting as a fashion design major at the pratt institute in the fall, with about half of the tuition payed for by a talent scholarship, and the rest payed for by..student loans. anyway. fashion school in new york city. whoaa, what an amazing time thatll be. ill design, learn, party, shop...you get the idea. ill live in a studio apartment in tribeca and commute to school. eventually, when zach finishes doing whatever hes going to be doing, he'll move to new york with me. after a while, marriage? who knows. but eventually, yes. we'll have one little girl a year later, named roane shay, and about that same time my line that ive been working on through a design firm will get big. really big. ill break away from the firm but keep my small following with me to help me get my own line started. roane will be alot like me: unique, driven. and shes gonna be a redhead. dont even argue with me on that one. anyway. she'll go to a competitive private school and not be that into learning and stuff, but do fine. our little family will spend summers in our little house on the beach on nantucket island. ill design and be in love and be totally happy.

yeah, its gonna be pretty great.
love, kaatie

contemplations.

2008-07-18T00:43:00.003-04:00

i was thinking today while i should have been concentrating on the golf tournament and softball game, and i decided that not a lot of people know who i really am. over the years, ive some how [well, i know how] built up this goodygoody image. the girl who gets straight a's. the girl who does the right thing. the girl who plays it safe. but how far from the real me could they be? i love to take risks. i slack in school. i dont believe in some of the things that i used to believe in. the thoughts though - the actual realization that no one knows who i really am - scared me. does that mean im fake? or reserved? i want people to hear katie phipps and say: she knows what she stands for. but at the same time, i just want to be me. does anyone else have this problem?

i also contemplated the future, freaking myself out as usual. for the past couple of years, all ive been focused on was graduating and getting gone. leaving. never setting foot in this stupid city ever again. that was my plan, so solid, set in stone. but then i met this dumb boy who i cant seem to forget about even for a second..who wants to stay instate for college. WHAT am i going to do if we stay together? i dont like to worry, but ive definately made a career of it lately. long term relationships are great. i can totally see myself with him. so what im really trying to ask myself is this: do i love this boy enough to rearrange my entire life plan just to be with him? how much am i willing to change? back to the upper issue! do i want to change who i am? the answer is no, basically, but i cant deny that things have happened that have changed me. they dulled my trust and forced me to grow up really fast. i cannot say that people to not have an influence me as a person honestly. anyone that thinks they can should seriously reevaluate that.

since im getting closer to being on my own, im rethinking what i believe in and what i dont believe in. thats for another day, though. this is the sort of braindump that will amuse me for a few minutes in about a month or so. who knows, maybe it will help me reach a breakthrough. anyway, sleep well.
love, kaatie

rainbow gatorade.

2008-07-18T00:25:00.002-04:00

got any rainbow gatorade?!

well of course the gay concession stand at wallen softball complex didnt have any. so caitlan had to settle for red. how sad. but uh, anyway. caitlin told me to blog about her as a going away present for camp, which im doing of course, because shes my favorite softball playing ginger. and ima have her baby! [insider]

well. what can i say about caitie? shes pretty amazing, shes a sailor. with a sailboat, how cool is that? shes practically a pirate! uh, shes halarious. she makes some cool videos with her bestie sam and puts them on her site. shes likes a shot of love [so do i!]. she doesnt believe that im not drunk. but im not. i promise.

she goes to northrup, which is basically a mildly ghetto school. except its ghetto enough to have weave all over the floor most mornings. ew! like, actual weave off of someones actual head. she said when school starts shes gonna take a picture and text it to me..ill be sure to put it up here. lol, my school is completely white. we have like 3 black kids in my entire grade. which i find kinda funny.

now that the softball season is almost over, im gonna miss making fun of people and being gangsters and having babies and causing scandal. but well keep in touch. we already decided. sorry caitlan, this post did you no justice. but atleast i tried.
love, kaatie

adult drama is so childish.

2008-07-15T23:42:00.003-04:00

there are few things less entertaining than adults with drama. like, seriously! people in highschool get so caught up in their little fights and schemes and problems, and yeah, sometimes it gets a little theatrical. its understandable, because were teenagers. but when youre thirty something and you have kids and something happens, dont make a huge scene. thats so childish. i dont know how many times ive found myself laughing because someones mom is stomping around being waay overdramatic. i think im more mature than fifty percent of the adults i know. i dont know, though, because im so chilll about everything. and when i say everything, i mean EVERYTHING. like when people do things that should infuriate me, ill get mad for maybe a week, and then im all good. i lose trust, but i can still be friends with the person. im usually the bigger person and whathaveyou. its wierd, but i honestly think i could stay in a relationship if the person i was with cheated on me. like, not for an extended peroid of time, but kisses happen. everything happens. some people have too much good in them to be let go after one bad thing. yknow? i guess thats why im different than most people.

i feel so annoying and needy today. like everything i say is unnecessary or stupid. its wierd. but im just being hormonal. i hate pmsing, because i hate feeling like a bitch all the time. i get irritated and then i lash out at people, usually people i like, which makes them mad. i have no explanation for that. i guess i just have to tell them not to take me seriously for a while.

im quite a character :]
love, kaatie

scrambled, again.

2008-07-14T22:45:00.003-04:00

this weekend was fun. sorry that its been a while, but yknow. softball tournaments take a lot out of you. and so does laser tag. like whoaa.

ive been in a interesting mood lately. its not lonely, exactly, because ive actually been seeing people more recently. yay drivers training.. its an excuse to miss stuff [mainly riding and babysitting, which means fundage is low, but i deal]. some strange things have just been happening, and im reacting in ways i never expected i react. things that i thought id never forgive im letting go, and its just making me think. im not sure im ready to forget, just like that. but im not sure. im just not suree... and then theres other things that might not have bothered me before than bother me now. idk. im just glad that i have people to lean on. :]

stevens mad at me, which i never thought id be able to accomplish but finally have. and i dont care. honestly, if he never talked to me again, that would be fine. but as i type that, i can see myself in the future changing my mind. people whove been your best friend always have that extra change buried deep in your heart. im learning that. if i love and trust someone enough to tell them anything, its hard for me to shut them out completely, however much they hurt me. ill be mad for a while, but i think all i really need is a chance to cool off. that could be good or bad. i might be getting walked all over, but maybe im just being the bigger person. as long as im cautious, it might be alright in the end. plus, if you held grudges against everyone, you wouldnt ever have any friends!

this is random: i think that doing anything sexual with all of your big brothers friends is a little slutty. no one else seems to think so. but it is. just putting that out there.

its 11:11, and i wished. now im thinking about that, and its going fabulously. i have quite an active imagination, which makes things like that fun. it also makes being apart difficult, because if my mind isnt directly occupied with something else, it usually wanders back to zach. im a dreamer..

the instrumental part of i will possess your heart is quite good. but its by death cab for cutie, so it should be. and while im thinking about it.. 7 things would be good if it was by anyone other than miley cyrus. i passionately hate that girl.. as well as the rest of the disney channel. theyre trying to take over the world, i swear.

well, im off.
love, kaatie